Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The prediction and premonition

I don't care what some people think about health care reform. Especially by those uneducated on how poor American health actually is. All it takes is ONE major pestilence and people will be clamoring for better health care. We have pretty much guaranteed that with H1N1 Swine Flu. Recently the numbers came out that 90,000 people including the young and children will die from this virus when the flu season starts.

What some on the extreme right wing think is so reprehensible and ugly that they have perverted and subverted any logical discussion about how to improve American health. We cannot continue on like this! We will no longer be a world leader when our fellow Americans are so sick that wondrous lives are lost because of greed! I do not care what one's personal thoughts are on health care reform. But I do know that my health care is broken and I am receiving sub par care.

Now, roughly 2 months ago, images in my mind appeared about a Caucasian man with white hair having passed. Then as a passing thought went by with 2 names, one of them being Senator Edward Moore Kennedy. I thought he would have to die in order for Health Care Reform to pass through Congress--a bill President Obama would sign. Sadly, the "wingnuts" would probably call that the "sympathy vote". The feeling arose again on August 20, 2009 at 1:30 PM. I know because I "tweeted" my thoughts and got "teabagged" by a "wingnut". Someone would have to die to pass Health Care Reform. I knew it was Senator Kennedy, but I had no proof other than the clairvoyant images of him in my mind. I have NEVER met this wonderful human being. I have ONLY seen him on television and other media. But, why his image came up 2 months ago, I just felt it. And my clairvoyance only lasts a moment after the event. Then it quiets down until the next passionate issue arises or major disaster.

It is enough to drive one crazy... This gift of second sight. I never asked for it, it just would happen. My mother knows about it, but brushes it off. And only astute "in tune" people are the one's who often pick up I actually do have this minor ability. Moreover, when I focus, I really can "see" how my scientific experiments and mathematical equations are solved. But, when I'm stressed, I don't express this ability. I feel it in the middle of my brain and I think I get image projection with comments. Sometimes I chalk it up as "deja vu". But, more often than not, it is premonitory. Faces and events I know I've seen before but I've never done before...

I do know it takes peace, a calmness and mindfulness.

Well, now, Senator Ted Kennedy is gone. The family is mourning appropriately. And others are trying to be respectful, holding it together and not cry. It is amazing that this man loved helping people when he had so much and lost almost everything. The resolved he showed in the midst of great criticism, but overall, he touch all Americans. We can pay it forward with our service to mankind!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Balancing act

I have an odd neurological physiological response that might be a side effect from the medications I take. 7 years ago, I found myself waking up from the floor at work. They never found what was wrong with me. I have been quite vocal about that.

What I failed to add was my psychotropic meds were NOT being monitored because I got dumped by my licensed and trained mental health care professionals. I interviewed them, like I recommend all persons seeking mental health care need to do, but they convinced me that they could help me. What I did not know is the politics for that care. I came from a well-oiled machine type of care, an HMO, to relocating to a new city with poor coordinated care, and lackadaisical follow up by insurers. That means they will be happy to send you to collections before you have a diagnosis.

If you are not on top of your health care, you will mosey along and get trounced, like me... Back to the psychotropic drugs: I have come to the conclusion that without monitoring for ALL medications, I have had poor outcomes to health care. It comes to the question, do I need the drugs? I do. Now, 2 medications need complete monitoring because they are anti-hypertensives. But, if I do NOT take my psychotropics I get wild eyed, making poor and risky choices, spend money like I have some, and get into fights unnecessarily.

If I take one of my psychotropic medications, I get side effects, and they unfortunately have come back. On of my meds, suddenly became cheaper than what I was taking. The original one I'd swallow rather than chew. So it was possible I was not seeing the benefits of taking this med. Now that it had changed where I swallow it, I am feeling quite light-headed, like dizzy... Not dizzy yet, but light-headed and my optic nerve kinks exacerbating my field cuts (hemizygous). Even if I get up slowly, it is NOT an interaction with my HBP meds.

The other thing is I need to improve my diet/nutrition behavior. NOT SKIPPING MEALS! Especially, breakfast!!! And since I have a predisposition to diabetes, I really need to start being vigilant. Anyhow, I am exercising under a very good program that helps me with my weight loss. Who'd a thought it!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

What a week... Stress is high!

So, I am worried about my future and what I cannot change. My economic instability will worsen and as usual, I am one of many who is lost in the shuffle of the current job market. Unfortunately that has to rest on President Obama's administration, rather than the previous administration that fostered this poor job market.

I really don't want a JOB--I want a career and I think I am heading toward that goal through my business brand called GYM Right Health/Wellness Coaching Services. But, since everyone is calling themselves a coach with little or no training, and especially unrelated to health and wellness, people are attempting to not empower someone to reach their maximum healthy self.

Today, I was at the drug store looking for some "Bag Balm", and the aisle I needed to walk through, sat a morbidly obese woman with a dog. She was in a motorized chair and knocking over the products. Eventually, I found the items I was looking for, but I thought, that could be me in a few years if I don't take care of myself.

It is so DEMORALIZING to have lost a job. And while "they" say 99% has nothing to do with the person who lost the job, one NEVER feels that way, though. And all the unemployment folks can tell you is "get over it". That may be true. As an ADULT, it rests on me to get over it. But it reminds me that I lost my job and I did NOT have a back up plan--a side gig or more! Moreover, it exacerbates my depression. Mania is not as high in my hypomania. But my depression spirals.

What makes is worse is that I do not have a strong network of people or friends who can immediately assist me in stroking my ego. I will NOT be left behind when evil, vile people have job performing ineptly. That is why I started my business and recently expanded it to include 3 brands. Eventually, I will have everything I worked so hard to organize.

For those of you who come across and read my blog, I am going to transfer you to my business blog, entitled The Ariafya Universe where I would like to propose a possible business idea. Please feel free to comment on that blog!


Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Now it's time to flip off the neocons, tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine, and do the right thing by billions of people who need their health care reform. Leave it to 2 cable news channels to bash President Obama's leadership. Who cares what the GOP thinks? They have not helped!

We are nearing the end of the 3rd quarter into the 4th. And it's time to make our first TD to win the game. We need a "Flood The Zone" in the 3rd & 4th quarters, so that we the American workers & sufferers to exorbitant windfall profits from "robber barrons" corporations can live in the America for all citizens, rather than the tiny minority of screaming, lying, gun toting, teabagging, deranged astroturfers.

These people do not deserve to be called Americans, but Amerikkklans! They cling to their loaded weapons, disrespecting the position of our duly elected & sworn in president, who is trying to HELP you live! The brandish lies fabricated by the industrial medical complex who could care less if anyone lives or dies because they believe in slavery, abuse and violations against basic human rights, and they don't attempt to do anything for anyone but themselves. They are selfish, spineless and stupid. They is nothing more delusional that an astroturfer and his/her associations!

The Democrats have played ball long enough and this fight is not fair. They recently have made one too many concessions, they have placated, appeased, and compromised. That rarely brings parity and equality to any relationship. It leads to either aggression and passivity and passive aggression. It behooves all US Congress members to be assertive. We can disagree civilly and make inroads to a more collaborative type of legislation. But see, that is NOT what the health care reform opposition did back in May, 2009. They made a choice to dig in their heels, took the Conservadems or Blug dogs, and failed to have a health care reform proposal of their own. They acted like they were offended because President Obama's administration turned in their homework early. The anti-reform folks could have prepared, but their gameplan was to lie, cheat, steal, bite, lameness and scream people into submission for their behavior. The took 2 cable news channels and AM radio talk shows to spew their propaganda, so twisted and ugly that major pundits who need health care reform indicated their "word salad" to an incoherent utterances.

Well, thankfully, the Democrats today said no more! How neurotic they will be has to be seen. But, this is the 21st century Democrats who once anyone pushes them too far, they make up their minds and do what they've got to do!

Sure the lunatics will bad-mouth, bitch and cry, but who cares? They had their chance to help! They were bought off.

Democrats could risk everything and lose the fight. But I think if the American people back them up, like we have been with extra, we will triumph. When people watch the cable news, be like the rap group, Public Enemy, and "don't believe the hype!" Let President Obama, his team and congressional supporters say, "We got this" and we will make the difference for the American people!

Sunday, August 16, 2009


This hurts. I am physically ill--sickened by this news and I will need therapy to understand this logic:

CNN: No Public Health Option

LA Times: Secretary Kathleen Sebelius says PUBLIC HEALTH OPTION dispensable

The Hill: More explanation of dropping the Public Health Option

I am currently in the process of combating this by sending emails to all my congresspersons. I did not fight so long for the public health option to have it defeated by someone who is weakened by a few abusive and deranged individuals who will NEVER be a representation of the United States of America, which we ALL saw present in November 4, 2008!

Also, it only shows that these slime molds do not have the backbones to fight for our rights as the people who ELECTED these people into office! It is not right nor is it fair! There is no justice in fighting for health care. Basically, health care is what we can do, by scraping by.

I cannot stand politics, but I am immersed up to my butt into it! I could see if we took one plan off the Public Health Option to add another. I could see if we switched to Single Payer and go for gold! But NO PUBLIC HEALTH OPTION! WTF! OH HAYLE TA DA NAW!

Hopefully this inspires us further to push back of the likes no one has seen before. Doing the right thing overrides greed!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I'm still falling--a drop--BASHING The University of Washington

Today was worse than last night. I forgot what the trigger was. I think it was my sore spot that got triggered. I'm worried about not having a job, not finding a job and my unemployment benefits running out. I am frustrated and I felt naked and unprotected.

The incident:

Yesterday, my husband came in about his business, ready to eat. He told me that a professor at my former employed university, University of Washington, to get back in touch with her about a grant. Now that set me off because I remember telling my husband to never speak to anyone about my current on-goings, ever. Doesn't matter who they are, they do not need to know since they FAILED to assist me and my progression in life for gainful employment. I have come to the belief that when you come into employment, the company needs to have your best interests for positive worklife balance. I never had that at the University of Washington. And I do not care how I might hurt anyone, one day when someone might read this, s/he needs to know how wrong and poorly this school and this city treats African American women.

I know I need to get over this "unfairness" mentality, but there has been a gross injustice levied against me. How can I come from a stunning laboratory bright-eyed and bushy tailed with a PhD. Join one of the preeminent institutions in Dallas, Texas at the University of Texas, Southwestern Medical Center. Then wind up unemployed, no future in science and zero prospects.

I have published 3 first authored papers! I have my name on 8 papers! I have not been afforded the opportunity to succeed here, when it is someone's job at the University of Washington to ensure that! Moreover, my husband, has been working at the UW for 15 years and conceptualized, organized and implement an entire aquatic animals and the veterinary work--is he a full professor at that school? NO! And they have FAILED to advance him. Now he is the LEADER in this niche. People come to him, and this sorry excuse of a school will not give him what he deserves! YES, this is my opinion, but still, is he paid commensurate of his work? NO! And the EXCUSES they give to him are the rule of the incompetent, the monuments to nothingness!

How they have treated most African Americans, is lame! One of the preeminent professors at the UW who is now retired, was treated like dirt 50 years ago--not much has changed. Which brings me to the lameness of civil rights in this city. And the people suffer because of this. Why keep silent when I have NOTHING TO LOSE! I've got my mind, I'm crazy enough to say it, and I am a woman with little lost!

So, from my perspective, I was angry because this professor thought she could ask my HUSBAND anything with my name in the same sentence. It is NONE OF THIS PERSON'S BUSINESS!!! And it is for a grant, why do I want to see UW succeed. They advance people who steal people's data. UW is a white supremacist institution and enslaves Asians to do the work. Look at who is working there, look at who is the post-doctorates, and graduate students. Then look at what is being paid to people? YOU DECIDE!

These are NOT my jealous rants. This is why the UW has NOT had significant strides in biomedical sciences with the exception of hard sciences (engineering, physics and math). Why? Because there is this disconnect between physicians who are wannabe scientists and PhD's who actively choose NOT to be physicians as scientists. Are folks going to medical school to be scientists or physicians? One does not know more than the other! Scientists know many laboratory maneuvers--like molarity and concentrations. Whereas, physicians know surgery.

I started off at the wrong foot at UW. I entered a laboratory that was not my area to get my foot in the door. I was going to transition out, but was told some lies about that researcher. Now, I can NEVER get a position in that lab again. When I re-entered my field, the professor was psychotic, little did I know his lab was faltering. And he trusted someone who is slimy. I had to leave because my personality was being attacked, there was work place hostility, mobbing and bullying. In fact I have ALL the emails showing how I was treated. My husband cavalierly says to "let it go"--does he know anything about abuse? I was abused!

The University of Washington ABUSED ME! And I don't have any other reason why other than I am a Black WOMAN scientist with a PhD. What Black women have succeeded in science there? NOT AT UW!

I did apply to many grants and was denied, repeatedly. That was when President Bush removed funds from NIH. Who do I know, network-wise? Don't get me sorry.

So, I decided, THANK GOD! I envision my business. Business could be better, yet, I am doing fine with all of it! It all RESTS on me. But the UW does NOT get my business anymore. They OWE me! No! They owe my husband! Until they do right by him, everything that this school stands for will fail! I hope NO successes for UW as much as they delivered to me!

Yes, this a hate-filled, angry, resentful blog and I am frustrated. But, where am I now? If I thought my net worth would be absent at 40, I would have NEVER left California. At least I have some net worth there and have a chance. But, here in Seattle, I have NOTHING! I AM NOTHING HERE! And now, I don't have the money to move out without a job that pays relocation expenses. Then, I love the West Coast. But I am NOT going back into research. I WANT FORWARD MOVEMENT ON MY BUSINESS! IF IT DOES NOT ADVANCE MY BUSINESS OBJECTIVES, THEN TELL ME, WHAT IS IN IT FOR ME?

Taking on any old job just for money does NOT give me life-satisfaction. And in the end of my life, when I am discussing the dash, what will I say about MY LIFE? That, I did a dead-end job to pay for my business' goals that did not get off the ground because I had the dead-end job--whose fault is that? Mine!

Well, I will NOT discount myself, lower my expectation--I've tried that and look at me today! I will NOT settle for less because some ASSES tell me I can't. I don't have to deal with them anymore! I've been letting people out of my life when they fail to deliver or anger toward me rather than my usual kicking and screaming. Talk is cheap. SHOW ME! If you have anything to offer, STOP TALKING TO ME AND SHOW ME! I tire of lip service and rhetoric.

This is how I have to be. And I am coming out swinging!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

When mania peaks & the depression comes crashing

So, now I have peaked mania. I mainly had levels of grandiosity. However, my levels are not grand. Then I drop & I crash, hard.

Without going into detail, someone asked my loved one a personal question about me and that is what pissed me off about it. My loved one called me a racial epithet, "angry Black woman"--this person is my same racial make up--it cheapened my voice & my feeling. No matter how I share my feelings with that person, this person will not understand my pain.

I was angry, but not as much as I am hurt and my anger escalated. I also, left the discussion

start rant/

My local TV news just described Sydney Poitier as a "man who came to dinner" Another reason why I hate Seattle, because this is that bullisht they say on TV thinking it's okay.

/end rant

OMG, my husband just farted & it stinks! WOW!

What I have to deal with is amazing. Now folks know why there is a health disparity for Black women. Who deals with this bullisht? I don't know any other woman that faces this much crapola!

Back to the depression: As I get older, the crash is not as bad, but for today, this crash reminded me when I was younger & crashed, harder! I was glad I left the conversation. I was one of those astroturf screamers. Now my throat hurts.

How do I feel now?

I am ruminating. So, I may need to enact a mindfulness breath technique to regain my balance. I still feel sadden by what I feel as loss. I feel isolated & rejected. My life:

is gone
is sad
is depressing


Good think I'm going to my psychiatrist tomorrow. Re-adjust my meds, maybe. This issue may have to do with my menstrual cycle-as usual-and is a pain.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The right to NOT go back to my original career 2!

There is a large metropolitan university where I use to work in one of the laboratories. I must say that the first laboratory, which I worked for 3 years, was great, however, I ran out of funds and could not secure further funds. It was during a time that National Institutes of Health was divested and I was one of the people affected by that divestment. But the issue with this very friendly laboratory is that this research program is slow. Unfortunately, I chose a project that was not fortuitous. Sometimes, that happens. And I got lost in the system. Now while I can blame my principle investigator for my loss, the reality in the research game is what I am suppose to crank out. I have been trained to develop studies. So the blame is on me. Besides, I already had a post doctoral position in a top university in the US. RARELY is anyone given that chance and I freely gave that opportunity up because my health, ironically, was affected.

So in 2007, I joined a high powered laboratory at this major metro university. NEVER in a million years did I think that by October, 2007 I would be judged on something so insignificant... The last time that crap was said to me, I wasted an extra 3 years of my life attempting to prove the value of my being present. I did not say anything when that last judgment was made. I told myself if it happened again, I am not wasting my time!

I was told that "The only reason why I was here was because I am Black and the Only way I got my PhD is through affirmative action."

Look when you are someone's mentor, you can think what you want, but to utter those words, especially to a professional is NOT commensurate of the values that this metro university upholds.


Attempting legal proceedings would cause more harm that good for me. And this city has hurled its worse toward me, but STILL I RISE! What did they think? That I would go down forever being humiliated?

I decided to lay myself off from this position because NO ONE deserves to be mobbed and bullied in a hostile environment as mine! NO ONE deserves this BS that I suffered. NO ONE! I decided move forward from this stress filled situation and find my innerpeace. I found it by starting my business, The Ariafya Universe and my support is NOT in the city, which I reside... Oh, the irony!

Anywho, the right to NOT go back to my original career 2, MERITS the BS I have suffered for nearly 15 years. If scientific research is based in this, there is injustice. A students who is earnest in their understanding, works hard and repeatedly shows that she can do the work, just because she is a Black woman, judgment of her work needs to ONLY be the work & not the poor communication and bad behavior encountered in academia. Especially in this major metropolitan university in the city I reside.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Pain - the good kind?

I am in utter pain. Every muscle group in my body hurts utterly. But it is a good pain - I guess because yesterday, I exercised. I took my first course in Karate-do. The exercises are one's I have not done in years. And they were good exercises. Moreover, I learned how to count up to 10 in Japanese during that time. However, I forgot it all now.

Man, am I stiff! That is what happens when you are 40-something. The stiffness is stronger. But, the workout was NEEDED! Karate-do is about mind than about the moves--btw I need to practice plenty! I am unable to simply run back and forth!

Ironically, my husband decided to join me. I never thought he would. The first time he ran in bare feet and got huge blisters. The same happened to me, too. But my blisters healed quickly due to my use of "Bag Balm", whereas, my husband refused to use the balm. We shall see about his healing feet.

I decided to start a martial arts regimen because I need the confidence, the structure and the discipline in my life. And I LOVE IT! It reminds me of my ballet years. Both are disciplined practices. The fact that my husband wanted take the course is something we can share together. His reasons for taking the Karate-do classes are different from mine. Mine are to lose weight. His, I do not know? But I am sure they are positive!

Either way, both our bodies are in a utter pain, but the good kind of accomplishing a sorely needed workout--pun intended...

Moreover, I am changing the impact on my bipolar disorder. My mental health condition physiologically cannot combat particular exercise regimen. In fact it has been shown that isometrics and resistance training increases insulin sensitivity in some patients. I know for my body, my training must be isometrics vs. weights because, while both help, I am more consistent with isometrics. Weights work, but I grossly dislike the discipline. I enjoy isometric exercises that both Karate-do and Ballet give me. I do not enjoy Yoga because of lack of directed and patient training that Karate-do and Ballet gives to me.

The fact is regardless of which fitness enterprise one pursues, one's brain has to readjust and certain poorly connected neural connection in a unhealthy lifestyle cannot be maintained when attempting an exercise regimen. It levels the playing field. And the small cost of the muscle stiffness is worth the payoff one receives in the health and happiness end. I am glad I have this kind of pain, the good kind.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Guerrilla tactics to use on the mobbing bullies who are against Health Care Reform

This is from a blog I wrote June 8, 2009 after the Health Care Kickoff Meeting per Organizing for America with little direction.

On Saturday, June 6th, I took the lead for President Obama's Public Health Plan through the Organizing for America. President Obama says we need to fix health care this year. He walks a tight rope because if he goes too left, it looks like communist medicine. If the goes too right, it looks like business has bought him out. He wants Reduced Costs, Guaranteed Choice, and Quality Affordable Health Care for all. A base minimum plan where another plan would step in for extra costs of care. June 6th was the planning meeting for a June 27th community service activity. I chose to host a meeting because when I searched on the Organizing for America (OFA) meeting, there was NO meeting in my area! So, since I was unemployed, I need experiences to add to my resume, I also thought I could expand my business opportunities, and I had just completed this health facilitators volunteer course by a local coop hospital, I had the courage to step up and host a meeting. And I chose to host it at my local library, because my house is too small to hold a meeting with non-neighbors (strangers).

We had 32 people attended the meeting I hosted! I was amazed! Everyone bandwagoned at the last minute. And while I do not like that, whatever... My meeting was the first planned in my area because that is the way I roll... I operate in that manner! My feeling is not a matter of arrogance, it is a matter of fact, I successfully operate when I am ahead of the curve than when I wipe out!

When I finally got the "Host Guide", I printed it out and followed it as close as I could follow. I organized the materials in nice, neat piles to share with the attendees, I coordinated a time & location, I contacted the OFA to make sure I had the latest accurate information. I paid for the copies out of my own money, never to be reimbursed!!! I conceptualized, interpreted, developed and formalized the Powerpoint slide presentation--ME!!! MYSELF!!! NO ONE PAID ME!!!

So, after everyone arrived to my meeting, I get treated like "the messenger" of OFA because I support the President's Public Health Plan. Health care, in all forms, is important to me, personally. I have been involved in Health Care for ~30 years!!! It is my training as a research scientist in molecular genetics with a Ph.D. It is my business and I act on it. Health care MUST change and the POTUS has requested us to do activities. No one is forcing anyone to do these activities, it is a request! If people choose not support the POTUS, that is their choice. But Health Care Reform must happen this year, absolutely! The question is how?

This was May and June 2009! The anti-health care foes, the status quo, the belligerent changers had nearly 3 months to get themselves together, create a plan for reform and enact their policies forward. No, rather they CHOOSE to harangue the President Obama, label and people who support health care and create lame arguments against health care reform.

I know it reform is needed when I see a homeless encampment thinking they have no choices for their health care and downtrodden already when seeking what government waste pays to care for them. Then when this economy tanked, millions of unemployed Americans with chronic illness, infections, toothaches and battle scars cannot be seen by physicians who have given oaths to do no harm, but these insurance CEO collect billions! I am told this is NORMAL AND DOES NOT NEED TO CHANGE! WHAT!!!

During the Health Care Kickoff meeting, I was heckled. Organizing for America does NOT pay me to say anything I came under my own volition because that is how much I know health care must be reformed! Reform = justice! There has been gross injustice that has been going on for decades and the disenfranchised have been alienated for too long! For too long we have been operating on 40 year old rules, is it not time to reform these laws. Medical technology has advanced prolifically so. Why remain in the primitive stone-age and have a health care public option commensurate with the 21st century?

Yes, I chose to host this event under President Obama's Organizing for America. I was heckled by the few people who never organized any event in their lives! Due to the heckling, and my lack of preparation for it, I suffered from severe panic attack, deep depression and agoraphobia!!! Bipolar disorder can sometimes elicit a secondary symptom of high anxiety, leading to a panic attack. My depression occurred after, where all I could do afterward is cry, even after several supporters said I did a great job! And I fear going in public because I cannot handle being harassed. If I was educated about their tactics, I would have a better chance enact guerrilla tactics... There are quite a few devices to use to quite it. But only when you know it exist or can operate quickly on your feet--but that even requires training at some point. I had no training, and I was told I did a sufficient job handling ignoramuses. And I am not one to really enjoy trying to find fights!

I wanted to do community service because I know how beneficial it is. I love community service from my days as a church deacon and a member of my Sorority. During the Kickoff event, we were asked to brainstorm what kind of community service event the group of us would like to do. I actually received support from the co-op trainers on brainstorming! There is a method. The groups that did their brainstorms, presented several good ideas, i.e. educate people about health reform, why it is important, at a health group that supports homelessness, disabled and elderly, etc. The core group who liked to work thought of a "Pea Patch" efforts and healthy eating and getting more people to share their health stories and volunteer.

After the event, I cried profusely, slept for most of the day, couldn't motivate myself beyond the humilation of not knowing or at least the feeling that I looked like I did not know anything about healthcare. In May or June, 2009 the public did NOT have enough information on Health Care Reform. Well, now we know. My local Sunday newspaper only had articles that bashed President. There are several reasons why. This experience left me with a very bad taste in my mouth. And while I can see some rays of light, 9 people said they want to plan a community service event with me, it still says you get some crazies that actually DO need psychiatric evaluations.

What pisses me off is that I didn't see them PLAN a meeting... NO ONE told them to attend my meeting. I continuously emailed them that this meeting was "scripted", so that if they disagreed with the activity, they did not have to attend. I am a health care person NOT a policy person on healthcare. I just want something different from what we already have. I would prefer reduced costs, maintain choice, and quality affordable health care for all--what the President asked us to do. My community needed to be uplifted and I would be overjoyed to be a part of that, have my business a part of that and go down in history to make that difference!!! But, planning an COMMUNITY SERVICE event to be yelled at sucks, especially when I am unemployed!

Breathe... I did a formal practice mindfulness exercise during a heated moment of the Kickoff and I found that it shuts down the crazies. This practice is one of the guerrilla tactics that can be used. Other tactics are singing, chanting, dancing--which in fact, why are people having sit down townhall meetings on HEALTH CARE meetings when a part of health care is physical fitness! At the start of shouting, do jumping jacks or some heavy duty cardio or "EVERY BODY DANCE NOW"--have fun with it! Work it out! People can't be that angry after the rush of endorphins! Use the biology that humans were born with! The other issue is when one uses mindfulness or other meditative response, they are attempting to come from a place of peace, love and calm to educate with patient reserve. Responding from this place at least brings people willing to listen, and even if they disagree, it is respectful. Mobbing, bullying and hostility is a spectator sport, puerile and ignorant. Returning it in anger, shows lack of preparation, discombobulation, and inability to take seriously. Some worry about weakness when being mindful or meditative, no, "to whom the gods wish to destroy, they must first make them angry"... A true teacher, educator, mentor does not get frustrated and use anger to destroy someone, it disrespects the other person's right to exist. To evolve, we humans cannot resort to old primitive mentalities that fail to propel us beyond uncontrollable disgusting dung.

After all the mobbing, bullying and hostilities, I am proud that I was a part of Health Care Reform during this summer. I am glad I took the lead because: If not me, then who? If not now, then when? I just need to calm down with guided imagery, behavioral health appointments and find support from people who believe that have foresight and vision! All that is left is me and I have been harangued since birth!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Everything is about choice... (TRIGGER--READ AT YOUR OWN RISK)

Everything is about choice. As adults we make our own choices in life. We choose to live whatever life gives us and it is not always fair. I have had a very unfair life and I am currently attempting to find opportunities where none exist. With Bipolar, sometimes it is very hard to keep that in mind when life has me down. I have to be mindful of my body placement--somewhat like "a check in point". I use to do this when I took ballet. To maintain a stance, position or pose for a significant time, required concentration and the delicate balance of my own muscles to keep that pose. And, I also had to keep my eyes focused on a distant object, without taking them off to complete either a stance, position, pose or even a movement, such as pique turn, turn, turns, rapidly and not wind up dizzy with a low arabesque. At one point in my life, I was extremely proficient.

I chose to drop out of ballet at 9.5 years old. I got bored with it, I was lonely in class, but I really don't know why I was allowed to make that decision, I just know I did actively make that choice. Let's just chalk that up to one of my life decisions I regret...

What does a down episode feel like? To those who do not suffer from any mental illness and read this blog, at the peak of my unmedicated stupor in college when I was 20 years old, I was making POOR CHOICES, setting myself up for failure, specifically my coursework, then when I inevitably failed, I would wonder how I allowed myself to get into these horrendous situations, especially with "the boys" after I knowingly placed myself and acted on impulse. I was not detached from reality, I knew I was making a poor choice, but I also know, if I risk it (my heart, my gusto for grades, my popularity, whatever), the profit of return would be huge or predictably, I would crap out--which I usually did...

Now this was after my intentional suicide attempt, so knowing I had a problem was not the issue, it was about how to treat, which I did not know. Back then, there was no internet, no WebMD, no books in the library at the college I attended, and the way I had racing thoughts, I doubt I could read them anyway--and why read some bogus "self-help" books when I NEED to be reading my course material? That's dumb! Or so I thought.

And I wanted a fantasy island, romantic getaway, with the boys (yes, boys) I liked. While I was running up under them, they wanted nothing to do with me other than... And stupid me, yes, I played that role, which often included binge drinking and smoking cigarettes. No, I was not trying to "be a part of the crowd" or "one of the gang"--more like I intentionally wanted to be numb...

Back then, there were ZERO studies that if you failed to take your anti-depressants, and there were no such things as Selective-Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI), that it would cause you problems. I did not know that. In fact, that was NOT explained to me of the importance to take psychotropic drugs, and why it was important. And I could not comprehend medical texts at that time. So here I was, taking powerful psychotropics, non-adhering, running around binge drinking, making discordant choices before the explosion of HIV/AIDS as a 20 year old! WTH? EXACTLY THAT'S NUTS!!! These days, there would be so many adults on children like "white on rice"...

So here I was, in college, feeling destitute and alienated. No one to talk to all because I made a poor choice and a dumb decision. That's life right? Wrong! Because I can go from 0 to 80 of making that poor choice and dumb decision worse...

I do not remember the EXACT timing of when it happened now after 20-odd year, I can still feel the ratcheting raw emotions that lead me to the decision I made. I believe this was on a weekday where class was in session. I may have failed a test or felt like I was failing. One of the boys I was into played me like a fool, again. I hardly ever got along with any of my roommates, I was just a poor roommate, at that time, communication was not my strongest talents. I may have failed to eat anything that day. That day was becoming another crummy day. I don't know if I was menstruating or I finished (key to remember). In an outburst, I left my dorm room that day, it was Fall, and I rushed to an isolated spot on campus, I don't know how I found it, and I sobbed. For all the poor choices I made to all the bad decisions I made to the people that were effected that I felt I hurt. I was hopeless, I felt helpless and not even my crying stopped the rush of angst...

So nearby my college, there was an Interstate freeway. And on that freeway was an overpass or bridge. At that time, bridges were not covered... Here is my thought that suddenly popped into my head during all that angst: "I could go to that overpass and I could jump head first, then all this pain I feel would be gone and that will end it..."

{Yes, as I write this, the images haunt my memories.}

Something... Something... Something told me... Something, somewhere, somehow, from nowhere, told me... Something, somewhere, somehow from out of nowhere told me to get up and get psychiatric help. Call, visit, speak. Whatever that was, whoever that was, I know who it was and it was NOT me! That was NOT my voice in my head at that time that said that to me...

Somehow, I found my way to the counseling center--which at that time, was for course counseling--advising. But it was the place I saw the few advisors I had who could help me. See, at that time, there were no formal psychiatric psychological services on small college campuses, especially the one I attended. So, basically, I was left untreated, unmedicated-non-adherent, binge drinking, in a full rapid cycle episode, discording relationships, at 20 years old... (For my physician friends, what's your diagnosis?)

By the time I got to see the psychiatrist who did part-time work, the people recommended that I be hospitalized to get stabilized on my medications, which takes ~1 week (yes, at that time it was 1 week). Remember, I had not been adhering to my meds and moreover, pharmacies did NOT have major computer access until I completed college... The other issue is I had to willingly go to the hospital, so the psychiatrist asked me if I wanted to go. Interestingly I said YES because I could not bear these painful thoughts...

The thing is this hospital was for drug/alcohol rehab. Not psychiatric care. There is a difference. While people who are drug/alcohol abusers could have mental health problems, such as depression, their treatments are usually suppressing the addiction to the substance. Not intensive cognitive behavioral therapy, like I needed. Moreover, I had a roommate in the hospital that came from my college. I will never forget her, ever. But the one thing I can say is she was cycling, too and she had been sexually abused by an uncle. Here is my problem truly biochemical, hers traumatic childhood experience. And our treatment modalities were the same... Same group sessions, same activities, same... It was like a precursor to prison, but costs people more personally... What I did get is massive testing, such as blood tests, psychological tests and evaluations. Remember, back in that day, there were no differentials to young women having manic episodes...

Then, I was released. I know I gave an evaluation, don't know what happened to it. I went back home, and my folks asked me what they get for their money and all I could show them was an art project... I was hurt because I could not pay for the damage I inflicted and I did not want my parents to pay for me--because at that time, I felt I was not worth it. Nonetheless, how was I suppose to stop these pervading thoughts from entering my mind?

My father took me to a "health food store" and spoke to a few of the natural herbal remedy counter. They referred me to Skullcap and Valarian. It was my first exposure to complementary alternative medicine and healing. I took these herbs to allow me to sleep more peacefully, and they did do there job. As I found out more about these herbs, I had to find a place that sold them where my college was--I found one. And through talking to one of the herbal remedy people, they handed me books about well-being, wellness care. I read those books with great interest. Concurrently, I had started taking a class at my college that discussed natural healing cures and remedies through food, one of them being garlic for high blood pressure. Never sorted out how it worked, exactly. Later I determined that the drug companies, suppressed the results of the natural products industry...

Somehow, my college hired a social worker to health with the mental health issues. I started seeing her and with her therapy, I got better. Then I asked her what she knew about herbal remedies, she said she remembered that the supplement, Tryptophan, assists people to sleep. So, I got some and it worked! Then it was published that a "rare eosinophilia" is caused by Tryptophan usage and the FDA pulled it off the market... Within 2 weeks, Prozac was introduced...

But I wrote this blog to let people know that we all have to keep that power to make good choices in our lives. If I had not made the choice to go to be hospitalized, I would be dead due to suicide and could not share this story with you today. Also, I would have not learned ANYTHING about complementary healing arts and holistic, wellness and well-being. I would be nowhere need to the recovery levels I am today.

What I do know is this is NOT a path for the newly diagnosed. Work with your team, and remember the path along your recovery journey and find your space that will lead you to well-being or Ariafya!

If you need support, questions, or overall motivation by coaching, talk to me through my website at