Wednesday, August 12, 2009

When mania peaks & the depression comes crashing

So, now I have peaked mania. I mainly had levels of grandiosity. However, my levels are not grand. Then I drop & I crash, hard.

Without going into detail, someone asked my loved one a personal question about me and that is what pissed me off about it. My loved one called me a racial epithet, "angry Black woman"--this person is my same racial make up--it cheapened my voice & my feeling. No matter how I share my feelings with that person, this person will not understand my pain.

I was angry, but not as much as I am hurt and my anger escalated. I also, left the discussion

start rant/

My local TV news just described Sydney Poitier as a "man who came to dinner" Another reason why I hate Seattle, because this is that bullisht they say on TV thinking it's okay.

/end rant

OMG, my husband just farted & it stinks! WOW!

What I have to deal with is amazing. Now folks know why there is a health disparity for Black women. Who deals with this bullisht? I don't know any other woman that faces this much crapola!

Back to the depression: As I get older, the crash is not as bad, but for today, this crash reminded me when I was younger & crashed, harder! I was glad I left the conversation. I was one of those astroturf screamers. Now my throat hurts.

How do I feel now?

I am ruminating. So, I may need to enact a mindfulness breath technique to regain my balance. I still feel sadden by what I feel as loss. I feel isolated & rejected. My life:

is gone
is sad
is depressing


Good think I'm going to my psychiatrist tomorrow. Re-adjust my meds, maybe. This issue may have to do with my menstrual cycle-as usual-and is a pain.