Friday, October 30, 2009

Several things today-A Crazy #BlackWoman's #bipolar thot race

First, watch this:

Then I read this blog about Wanda Sykes & her motherhood, which turns into a rant of Black people hating on loving Black children.

Then I get this lunacy from Yahoo opinions: Stop blaming racism for the failure of black parents by Paul D. White, author of White's Rules.

There is a whole bunch of people planting negative thoughts into people's minds, some of us are "mentally unstable", LOL! We just don't know how to process these painful life's lessons we must learn when we live with people. I just cannot put all these specialized classifications together and my thoughts race, I get frustrated because it's too much, which causes me to be angry and while I can take it out on anyone, chiefly my husband, the anger turns in on to me because I am incapable of processing projected negative thoughts of others.

The reality is, to take them and breathe through them. Not to ruminate on them. Merely notice there existence. It is not to dismiss them, but the immediacy of handling other people's thoughts immediately has what to do with your life and the task at hand? Exactly?

Then in the new, we get how a 15 year old girl was raped for 2 hours at Richmond, California High School and people took pictures and failed to call authorities for help. 4-5 young men were arrested. This is ridiculous! Someone like me who abhors violence against women, especially sexual violence and abuse, and being someone who is labeled as mentally ill, it is too much! The horror didn't happen to me, why should I care? Because a violation of one woman is an indictment of all? No, for me IMHO, I knew that girl, she was me when I was her age... I probably would be freezing waiting for my father, rather than having a group date with girlfriends and boys, some boy asks me to hook up, and I go. Then we would be joshing around with a sip of alcohol and NEVER would I think one of the older guys that I was attracted to would violate me so.

What was humiliating for this girl was not just the physical act, but she naively have the gumption to love independently some twisted sex predator who thought nothing more of her that shit... Oh, I know that girl very well... I would see in the mirror everyday and want nothing but to kill her... Too many thoughts racing through my mind.

Coach Carter says this on CNN:

When the media says how hard it is for Black people to find love or people of color, because I have heard it from other ethnic groups, too, the fact I have seen is self-esteem is low. Generations before have no clue how to comprehend this low self-esteem. We have DONE all the debutante balls, rites of passage programs, the loving we can do. We are the most well-loved people. The fact is we also have all kinds new technology that races information, some of it wholly inaccurate not allow a quiet space for us... Long time ago, but not too long ago, we did not have all this instant gratification throw away culture marketed, focus grouped, barraged upon us. We cannot concentrate! On one activity! Moreover we multi-task and are asked to be available 24/7 around the clock use! And we call this living! In fact, there is a whole industry to tell us we are unhealthy and here you go, we got the cure!

Confabulation! Conflagration!

We cannot concentrate on just ONE activity! Where is our breath! We are gasping for air...

What bothers me about Mr. Harper's book is asking women to make a list of themselves and their ideal mate. Then he says to the women you don't have it like that though! What were these women asking for? Prince Charming on a white horse riding off in the sunset with a song in his heart and slaying the beast to save me from my perils in my life to live happily ever after? And they thought they could have access to that fairy tale?

{sidebar} Let me tell you about my Halloween costume: I'm going to be the Health Care Insurance Reform Fairy--I magically support getting health across state lines! Si se puede! {/end sidebar}

Seriously, if a woman wants to lives delusional imaginary relationships how come she must be denied her goal? Other women live that life on all forms of media? How come Sistahs can't? How come Knight In Shining Armor cannot exist? Now, that isn't to say that women have to work out their own inner love and self. Many don't know how. No self-esteem. Arrogance is not a strong self-esteem.

I think most of the Black women I meet today are awesome. In fact most women I encounter are creatures unlike any other. An oppressive system has attempted to hold them down and they refuse to suffer from it. They use their minds, bodies to maneuver around asinine and encroached rules to limit women! YAAY for vijayjay power! Without that a whole bunch of people would not be born. Use it within our power.

I am married. My husband is the head of our household. But I am the neck. And the head cannot do anything without the neck. This is not a battle of the wills. This is a matter of various positioning in our marriage based on love, mutual respect and care. I LOVE MY HUSBAND! I never thought I could! Sure I needed to love myself and years before I had done that. But, see, in my previous blogs here, the story of my health trumped me dealing with others waffling on relationships.

Anyhow, I can't say our relationship is perfect, but we PLAY with each other. We harp on each other. We take each other for granted and we find one another the most important person on the planet. I worry about the silly stuff when I am in PMS and listen to the thoughts racing exacerbating my bipolar.

I don't know what other womens' paths are toward marital relationships. Black women don't get married until later in life. Black men are usually preoccupied with instant gratification activities: women who will give them what they want whenever or men who for whatever reason just do not want to deal with all the silliness of puerile women. We are talking about heterosexual couples, here. No disrespect to LGBTQI groups.

All I am saying is people need to find their own paths toward their best relationships based on the soul-searching they need to do. Being immobilized to new experiences--or playing it safe--will NEVER implement changes. I understand stabilization, especially when one has children, and if one wants love during her lifetime, the mate desired only comes when risk is involved.

I guess with racing thoughts a symptom of bipolar, these things all come together.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Srsly Pseudo-Science needs to DIE! Or we all will die!

A major health club in my area had a potential member sell her homemade "healthy breads" (isn't that an oxymoron?) with samples, with no covers of the samples & people nasty fingers picking at the pieces. I have no ideas where peoples hands have been. Do you fathom if she had any food handler's permits? She made all her products in her kitchen--not approved by the state health department, attempting to sale her wares in a MAJOR HEALTH CLUB in my local area!

When she asked me to try a sample, I said "I need toothpicks". Then, she attempted to hand me hand sanitizing gel as some passerbyes grimy hands touches the samples, then cuts a sample for me to try?!? Um! WTF!

First off, this MAJOR GYM has a BAD smell problem. HAYLE IT STINKS! The workers who wipe off the machines cannot work fast enough for the nasty sweat from arrogant fat--yes FAT gym members. Next, the fountains have grime around the orifice opening of the water spigot! I spray it, then run the water for 10 seconds before I consume any water from it. Finally, I will NEVER shower in the gym rooms! Bloodied bandages lost from the water, clogged drains, molds! NO! I'll just shower at home. I don't like to go to the gym, because it is a breeding ground for heinous infection wastes with next to not controls by people clueless as to how to keep things sanitary!

Let me explain where I live has temples to false idols to pseudo-science. One shy short of divinity rods, where I live, people actually believe that sneezing without blocking by arm-bend is safe. Let me be blunt: WHO WIPES! These pseudo-science wingnuts actually worship the fact they are so healthy that they don't need vaccinations and vehemently protest those who support them and want them until their child dies from the preventable disease! People are NASTY! Failing to wash their hands, or only wish wash their hands in water. Pick their butts, then there nose. Wipes any kind of way rather than front to back. No soap for no 20 seconds scrub!

These people do this crap and when you call them on it, they range in experiences. Back to my gym. I may need to make anonymous calls. People are plainly foul, here!

Who lives like this? My area... It's called a natural fallacy--because it is natural, it must be true... Well hemlock, belladonna and digitalis are natural too--so is arsenic.

Then when Swine Flu at stake and not being in one of the high risk groups--meaning I have to wait for an injection. I worry because I know me! I catch crazy things and I have to stay on top of my health. None of this snake-oil crap, no! I need evidence-based peer-reviewed medicine. Not this pseudo-science silliness! If you don't know the science, take a class! Seriously, given this time of climate change, global warming and exotic infectious diseases making unnecessary comebacks because of insane resistance, who is paying my health coverage if I get these ailments? Who is in charge of my health? Wingnuts? NO! I AM! So forget the dumb stuff!

I might have to side with the Atheists on this one. Science is my God and it is amoral and devoid of judgment. It has no compassion and it is how it made. Human frailty meanders it way on this Earth as it is in our life cycle. And we have impacted Earth for 200K years of our evolution.


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

EPISODE WARNING TRIGGER: What I do when loved one's tell me to give up these days

When I was young, I was a usually American rebellious teen. My head was hard as a rock! No one could tell me anything. Even today, my husband would say not much has changed. But, I think I consider more what people say due to my life's experience and my attempt to monitor my "mania". If I leave my mania unchecked, I can fly off the handle or worse. Lately, I have getting very angry and rant, about everything! I have to use my mindfulness techniques to monitor that...

Anywho, an aspect of my mental illness causes bad memories--or the bad tapes--to play louder than the good sounds. In fact these tapes are old and busted reel-to-reel bad tapes versus the sleek new Nano IPOD with the picture in green (um, hint, hint for Christmas Gift lol).

My bad tapes rule my thoughts. I cannot express love to my loved ones. When they ask me simple questions, I rant and rave, I go into shock and I negatively ruminate and cling to what they meant by it! The other day, my mother asked me how long will I continue on with this "business" like I am? Simple question, but with the inflection of her voice, and the fact she is my mother who said it, the meaning I took from it reach anger from 0 to 60 in 0.8 seconds. Why? Because, she added a story about another loved one who is giving up a dream and came to some conclusions when my mom asked.

She cannot see my face and how happy I am just doing social media! People come to me to ask questions about mental health and how to navigate a very alienating complex mental health care system. Forget how to pay for it, let's talk about people actively having an episode, having to go off their mental health treatments because they cannot afford it, and slowly coming to the conclusion their mind is driving them absolutely bonkers! These people cannot speak to family members because they will tell them to pray to Jesus, or friends because they don't want to hear it, or whatever reason to fabricate why there is no one to talk to, and so, the minute they see someone who is willing to listen, they jump at the chance as an outreach effort. Hoping this effort goes somewhere--anywhere but where they are now. How do I know? I've been there, done that and got a T-shirt.

Positive comments are welcomed to uplift someone, but there is a core, underneath that requires a professionally licensed person to help them. Needless to say, in respects to my mother and God knows I love her, I LOVE SOCIAL MEDIA AND MY BUSINESS IS SMACK DABBED IN THE MIDDLE OF IT! When I encounter a person having difficulty, usually, I can get them to make some choices, reason why I pursued coaching rather than medical school or graduate school for psychology. I know enough and have experienced enough to realize I have something to offer!

Then, there are others who question my intent, which frustrating to no end! I feel when I become successful, I want to say, "pbbbttthhttttt" to the bandwagoners, but that would not be right. It is like they are "naysayers"--have no positive thing to say and rather that not saying anything, it is there job to say negative shit to me! That just sets me off. I even could say HATERS! But I cannot say that to loved ones.

The ONE person who doesn't say that to me is my husband! I love him! He is very supportive to a point, then he succumbs to the naysayers until I fight back. Of course he asks me at the same time when he sees I am doing reckless activities. Fortunately, this go-round, I am not. I have been catching myself pretty well!

This rumination is nuts! It is killing me! But overall, I have to do what I am doing. I run a little survey on mental health! And now I am getting responses worldwide! :) DIVERSE CULTURES HAVE A DIFFERENT UNDERSTANDING AS TO WHAT IS MENTAL ILLNESS! WHO ELSE IS STUDYING THIS INFORMATION ONLINE EXCEPT FOR THE HIGH LEVEL ACADEMIC LABS OR GOVERNMENT ORGANIZATIONS?

It's simple: when people look for understanding mental illness, they now look on health websites, from there they search for a community of people who share their concerns and join them. My place is for women of color, diverse women, to share all ideas related to mental health--to find healing. And Isle Sanctuary. I made a way out of NO WAY! And I will continue until I die! It is my life's passion and I am kissed by God to do it! I cannot give up now, because I will fail those who do need help and can be helped by my life's experience.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Cheating is a form of spousal abuse! #NYPost #ESPN #Abuse

This is a story about an older 40-something man cheating on his wife with a 22-year old woman.The 40ish man broke up with the 22 year old woman, so the 22 year old woman wrote a letter to the man's wife. This is the letter to the wife.

When I read this letter, the first thing that came to mind is the letter is entirely too graphic, explicit and graphic to be sent to anyone. The presumptuousness this 22 year old mistress as if she is on equal footing to a legally married with a marriage licensed relationship is delusional. The wife can sue for "abandonment of affection" or "sending threatening mail" using the postal service. The wife has more rights than she can fathom, moreover, the couple has 4 sons, so that can be leveraged--people do that often.

Now, if the wife wanted to be devoid of heartache, she did not have to marry her husband. This little girl is definitely not the first dalliance with philandering. Maybe the wife does not care as long as she gets what she wants. But really, if he was in a loveless marriage, then he can bring divorce proceedings and let the wife deal with it. No matter what the wife will be painted in this "poor defenseless woman".

As a woman who knows a few things about a man cheating on her--albeit I was never married when that happened, I say, after the initial shock wears off, no matter how long that takes for you, maneuver your assets into your favor. Be informed of money sinks you have independently from your husband. There should always be no romance without finance is a nuisance in play. And you need a rapid exit strategy. If you do not have a suspicious of your nupital becoming decimated by philandering, rehearse a plan in your mind--keep that what if...

For men, it is the same. For LGBTQ couples it is the same. Remember, ALL relationships end at some time. Hopefully it is not due to divorce. But if it has to be, then have a plan for yourself: physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially.

You also do not need to be underhanded. When you originally married the philanderer, did you think that you would be at this spot. Is your meanness due to your anger to what the person did to you--or rather what you allowed the person to do--or is it because you truly are a mean character? When the guy I cared about cheated on me, I wanted to break him into pieces. I wanted to burn any memory of him from my life. But time does heal all wounds and I have grown that the experiences I cherished and condemned with him are a facet of my life. Now, do NOT do this if your S/O is physically abusing you. If that is happening you need law enforcement, not my little blog.

In this letter, there were too may claims made about the wife that were way off base and IMHO when anyone mentions someone's kids, I'm sorry, that is out of bounds. That to me is a threat and I feel threatened, mobbed and bullied. That will make me call my law enforcement and the FBI. IMHO all romantic relationships are between 2 consenting adults--basically people who do not live under anyone's household--especially marriage. That means 18 years old or older. Once the childrens' names have been brought into that picture by this letter, um yeah, that is a threat in my eyes. This conversation is between me and you, not my children (if I had any).

Secondly, that man is a punk. If he wants to philander, pay the fees for divorce, pay child support for your children, and pay spousal support. Whatever, be a man, walk out on the wife and mess around to your hearts content. But don't have any heifer come up to the wife with some psychotic letter discussing penis envy! If mistress wants him, she can have him. Maybe her puhnanny is tasty. But I serioussssly doubt it.

And don't gloat it is ghetto and unbecoming of a mistress. Mistresses keep quiet. They may be the 2nd "wife" or "concubine"--NOT the 1st wife with rights, roles and duties. If a mistress wants the love of the married man, she awaits his return. That is the position one places herself in when she allows herself to be engaged with men like that. I have not heard of any married man leaving his wife for another woman. It rarely happens. But, I have seen plenty of marriages decimated by infidelity and that is because women have enacted their desires of what is right in their relationship. No woman wants to be cheated upon. Nary a man either. But as a former woman who was cheated upon, it seems that it is all a matter of accepted behavior. If condoning cheating behavior is something allowable in the relationship, then it will progress. IMHO--it is cheating when husband pops off the phone with me to talk to a friend who is a girl... I guess that is the experience I have--I am a jealous woman, like God is jealous, there are no others before me.

Now with that said, turnabout is fair play... Men need to respect the marriage bed. Fools thought they could call me and see how I'm doing, just because. I typically have limited friendships with men who are unrelated to me. I speak to cousins and all. But men who are not my relatives, I have very few friends. I know alot of people. I speak on a civil level. But hanging out and all that visiting the house, etc. NEGATIVE! I know better because I know how I am. Not to say I don't falter and have the desires. But I married my husband because I love him, period! Most real men respect that. Players on the other hand have little respect for that. If a friend is not saying, hey can I respect your schedule and call you at such-in-such time, they are disrespect your relationship, your man, and you! Maybe that is why you are not with him anymore, you think? I actually find it pathetic. My husband says he loves me. I have issues with understanding love by others just because that's my issue, has nothing to do with him. Nonetheless, I LOVE MY HUSBAND and I MADE SOME PROMISES TO HIM THAT I AM KEEPING! So why are all the fools I use to day coming out trying to wreck my happiness? They didn't ask for my hand in marriage? WTH?

So, what is sad about this letter is that the young mistress was compelled to think this whole "thing fling" she had could override a marriage without cost. It is pretty much like a crazed stalker. As for the wife, I know that she will level this woman playing with the big girls. Is this young mistress dense? As for the husband, he needs an ass whooping, if he can't physically get one, he can get one monetarily.

Remember: in my professional opinion, cheating is a form of spouse abuse!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

#Depression #Suicide #Health #WOC #Mentalillness: I knew s/he was crazy, but...

I often get asked what the Telltale Signs of Depression are and I usually say, Google or WebMD?

Since I deal with diverse populations, Google and WebMD are often NOT our BFF's. When explaining to diverse groups there are plenty of "yes, buts" or "what ifs" after even the listing all the Telltale Signs from the DSM-IV revised by a Nobel Laureate in Medicine!

In this written piece, I am relaying and translating the societal and cultural nuances so that mostly everyone can be on the same page for depression and suicide. While knowing the basis of the mental illness through listing the symptoms, it is just as important that these symptoms are understood fully even the variations in behavior that are witness, so that all have a positive mental health diagnosis and prognosis! Everyone deserves equity and parity in mental health care and everyone needs full understanding and education on what is known and treated in serious mental illnesses like depression and suicide.

First, below is the listed symptom of depression from WebMD that was obtained by the National Institutes of Mental Health:

What are symptoms of depression?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression
may include the following:

  • difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
  • fatigue and decreased energy
  • feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
  • feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  • irritability, restlessness
  • loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  • overeating or appetite loss
  • persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
  • persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
  • thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Are there warning signs of suicide with depression?

Depression carries a high risk of suicide. Anybody who expresses suicidal
thoughts or intentions should be taken very, very seriously. Do not hesitate to
call your local suicide hotline immediately. Call 1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) -- or the deaf hotline at

Warning signs of suicide with depression include:

  • a sudden switch from being very sad to being very calm or appearing to be happy
  • always talking or thinking about death
  • clinical depression (deep sadness, loss of interest, trouble sleeping and eating) that gets worse
  • having a "death wish," tempting fate by taking risks that could lead to death, like driving through red lights
  • losing interest in things one used to care about
  • making comments about being hopeless, helpless, or worthless
  • putting affairs in order, tying up loose ends, changing a will
  • saying things like "It would be better if I wasn't here" or "I want out"
  • talking about suicide (killing one's self)
  • visiting or calling people one cares about

Remember, if you or someone you know is demonstrating any of the above
warning signs of suicide with depression, either call your local suicide hot
line, contact a mental health professional right away, or go to the emergency
room for immediate treatment.

Suicide Warning Signs

by Kevin Caruso

If you or someone you know exhibits several of the suicide warning signs listed below, immediate action is required, so please read the information on the home page of this website and take action. Thank you.

Suicide Warning Signs:

  • Appearing depressed or sad most of the time; (Untreated depression is the number one cause for suicide.)
  • Talking or writing about death or suicide.
  • Withdrawing from family and friends.
  • Feeling hopeless.
  • Feeling helpless.
  • Feeling strong anger or rage.
  • Feeling trapped -- like there is no way out of a situation.
  • Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
  • Abusing drugs or alcohol.
  • Exhibiting a change in personality.
  • Acting impulsively.
  • Losing interest in most activities.
  • Experiencing a change in sleeping habits.
  • Experiencing a change in eating habits.
  • Losing interest in most activities.
  • Performing poorly at work or in school.
  • Giving away prized possessions.
  • Writing a will.
  • Feeling excessive guilt or shame.
  • Acting recklessly.

It should be noted that some people who die by suicide do not show any suicide warning signs.

But about 75 percent of those who die by suicide do exhibit some suicide warning signs, so we need to be aware of what the suicide warning signs are and try to spot them in people. If we do see someone exhibiting suicide warning signs, we need to do everything that we can to help them.

If you or someone you know exhibits several of the suicide warning signs listed above, immediate action is required, so please read the information on the home page of this website and take action.

Always take suicide warning signs seriously.

Thank you,

Kevin Caruso

I am translating these symptoms for the African American community because many people have come to me wondering if there is a way to identify or tell, or if there was anything thing they could do to stop any suicide. My cursory view of this list shows the lack of cultural competency in mental health, and thereby can cause burgeoning symptoms in African Americans. While it is clear that not ALL of these symptoms are manifested and there are variations between individuals, these are the main kinds of "cultural nuanced symptoms" that someone who is depressed often displays. It is NOT like someone who is depressed makes an "ACTIVE" choice to have display these symptoms, rather it is likely the wrong choice or inaccurate choice--it is like the person thought it was a good idea at the time or the thought never occur to him/her that the idea was illogical. At this time, I will not be listing what to do to manage these symptoms, but, one is more than welcome to visit one of The Ari | af | ya Universe's brands: Sistah Mental Health and Wellness or GYM Right-H/W Coaching and Events to learn self-managements.

The other issue is I organized this "Translation Navigator" so that we are all on the same page. I mean no disrespect to those who understand this information, but seriously, looking at the mental health disparities, something MUST be done for the lack of cultural incompetence described in my symptom review. I have chosen to do develop this written piece which I also will place on the Crazy Black Woman blog under a more marketable and racy title. This written piece needs to be used complementary to your professional health care provider and does not supplant or supersede your treatment plan with a licensed provider. Nor does it counteract against the written reference material.

Here it goes:

The inability to concentrate often resembles forgetfulness--but everyday forgetting important tasks, like missing due dates for bills, or forgetting to call key people like doctors. It is not the casual forgetfulness of losing keys or dementia like forgetting where you are--like Alzheimer's--that is very different! This forgetfulness is like after have a profound conversation with the depressed person (more like an argument) and they forget to pay the cable bill, still... Mainly forget to do important tasks.

Being fatigued or decreased energy means if the depressed person exercises every day at 12 PM, then they stop and do not do it for a month because they complain of fatigued or exhaustion or "I'm tired"--then it probably a depression. It is the dramatic shift in routine over a month that this symptom resembles.

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or helplessness are often not articulated or said and generally men do not state this. If men say anything it resembles blame of any perceivable target--often you! Generally, depressed women complain, then blame. Shortly, I will explain what that looks like because it is a manifestation of depression as a disorder.

Hopelessness and/or pessimism often looks like "commentary" that teenagers provide whenever you make comments. For example, when you say, "Let's go to the Beach, it is a nice sunny day!", a depressed individual would say rapidly, "Why to get burned by the sun!"

Insomnia or excessive sleeping: I have not been privy to insomnia due to depression, but I have slept all day for several days without being sick. Like I would choose to sleep vs choosing to exercise, or go to a fun social activity.

Irritability or restlessness: Irritability often looks like whining and snapping at whatever you say. You could just say "BOO" and the depressed person combined with the feeling of guilt would bite your head off for saying "BOO"... The restlessness is often combined with the forgetfulness. Watch when they cook. Tell the depressed person to make Koolaid/punch and s/he will get flustered by making a simple recipe... And remember, the behavior is not sporadic; it is consistent over a month or two.

Lost of interest in activities once pleasurable, includes sex: This particular symptom I have witnessed and experienced its combination with the forgetfulness, the fatigue, the guilt the pessimism and the excessive sleeping symptoms. It could be any activity that you know your loved one enjoys. One of mine was going to the movies. I was very much into science fiction and reading the latest trailers and previews. Then, my loved ones would ask, "Hey, let's go to the MOVIES" and I would say I did not want to go. I had no reason why and one would have to twist my arm to make me go. The other issue is when it is several activities once enjoyed as a tradition and the activities no longer want to be done for unknown reasons! Such as your depressed loved one and you enjoy having fries and shakes after a heavy workout, it is your ritual, and for no reason, the depressed individual refuses to go--not because s/he took a new nutrition class, but just s/he does not want it... Remember, the behavior must be consistent over a month and is not sporadic!

Changes in eating behavior: I have witnessed and experienced overeating. I may have done some forms of appetite loss, unrealized. But, I have overeating junk food more than not eaten at all... What a depressed individual does when s/he overeats is a lot of carbs: breads, cakes and sugar! Apparently, the medical aspects of depression feeds off of glucose in the brain, the full mechanism is unknown. Moreover, the meal is one time of day--all day and does not stop until sleep! Alternatively, what a depressed person looks like when his/her appetite loss is s/he has failed to go grocery shopping and all that is left is something indistinguishable, often the depressed person is living off of something bizarre like gum or rationalizes vitamin supplements have nutrition. Most of the symptoms mesh with each other, so this one is combined with forgetfulness, inability making decisions, helplessness and hopelessness. Moreover very little eating can cause the insomnia...

Persistent malaise: A depressed person complains all the time about physical issues and when s/he chooses to see a primary care physician, knowing that the ache and pain is in his/her mind is currently discouraged due to lawsuits. Laboratory tests and manifestations cannot convince the depressed person of his/her ailment. Remember this is another symptom that meshes itself with other symptoms, so if this one is see, the other ones are seen... I have experienced this one with the fatigue, guilt, hopelessness, irritability and lost of interest in activities symptoms.

Persistent negative thoughts: A depressed person complains about "nobody likes me" or any absolute statements: NEVER, ALWAYS, NOBODY, EVERYBODY. AND often you also see judgmental with accusations types of comments: "You should's" and "You must's". The empty feelings look like "listlessness" or lack of response--especially when you ask a simple question like "How are you going today". A depressed person will respond with a shrug or say "I don't know" on a consistent basis. Remember, this type of symptom is meshed with the other ones... The thing is this one is a trigger: meaning when you start hearing them frequently is when your antenna needs to be raised!!!

Thoughts of suicide: When the comment gets made, it needs to be taken seriously. Whether or not there is a plan, that will be discussed later, no games can be made or discounting it. By that time, depressed people have actually intensely rationalized and thought about it, so now they are beginning to vocalize it... It is the process of the disease of depression. Literally, the brain is damaging itself due to the aforementioned symptoms. It is thought that all the symptoms meshed together overload the system and crashes the brain--like a hard drive. But there are other organs attempting to save the body at the same time: i.e. the heart, the muscles, the stomach, the liver and the kidneys, plus many others to override the "self-destruct" button... Remember, this behavior is not night and day or sporadic, does not lessen the impact though, so watch this behavior closely.

So please permit me to use some creative license and combine some of the warning signs to suicide from WebMD and

There are some key spots that MUST be watched and vigilant with someone suffering from depression, especially as it relates to suicide! I cannot stress this enough if you love this person, this is NOT about "Dr. Gina" being crazy, this is about me going into thoughts of suicide and generally these thoughts resemble the below discussion. Also, these are the telltale signs. This IS what you look for so that you can do "if you could have done anything differently..." The way to think about this is the splinter in the tiger. The tiger by itself is a lethal fighting animal, but when there is a splinter, they writhe in pain and while you might think "it is not a big deal", it is to the tiger and usually it will kill itself or gnaw off its paw to minimize the pain... However, if you do notice key suicide warning signs, you need to include a professionally licensed provider for any intervention. But laws vary from state to state, and no one can be hospitalized against his/her consent. I am only pointing out the suicide symptoms, as usual my disclaimer is this is completely complementary and suggestive of any professional statements, it cannot be used to diagnose, supplant or used contrary to any professionally licensed provider's treatment or medical orders. In fact the information presented here has not been verifiable so you must use it at your own risk and it is for casual informational purposes only!

Sudden switch from very sad (depressed) to calm/appearing happy: While obviously stated, often this looks like the depressed person has found "resolution" to his/her problem--usually it is committing suicide--like the game show buzzer--EHHHN--inaccurate conclusion here. So, if you notice this behavior with your loved one, ASK what his/her wants are? Asking this question is also called a question of autonomy. The point of this question is had they made a definitive decision--you will get an answer to this question no matter what the answer is... If s/he flies off the handle or shuts you out, that answers your question. If s/he actually tells you what is going on, then you may have to make your own decisions, which does NOT include yelling at him/her.

Always talking and writing about death. Generally, we think of this "Gothic paraphernalia", like always wearing black like a vampire... But really, making this culturally relevant for African Americans, this symptom looks like wanting to be that "gangster" or "thug", with the guns, listening to "gangsta rap" or "thuggish" music and actually believing it is real. And the discussion looks like dark and dreary kind of lifestyle, such as robbing people, misogyny, prostitution, etc. This symptom meshes with another symptom as described later.

Clinical depression as described in the above section.

Having a "death wish"--taking unnecessary risks: In the African American community, these symptoms appear to resemble anything! Running red lights is unsafe for any African American in the United States, so that would not be something we would manifest. But carrying a gun into a club saying we are protecting ourselves is an "unnecessary risk"... The death wishes we have is getting involved in very dangerous activities known to ruin our lives and are self-destructive--which leads us to our next symptom

Substance abuse: Alcohol is a depressant, and some illegal substances, like marijuana and methamphetamine make irrational thoughts worse. Many people in our community abuse substances to self-medicate from their depression. It is a self-destructive habit. This is probably one of the single elements that is seen more in the African American community than others. The symptom looks over and above the normal consumption of substance abuse--a functional alcoholic or smoker, etc. And substance abuse treatment differs from depression treatment, while the two are intertwined inexplicably, first the addiction is treated then the mental health issue...

Acting impulsively: One of my signature ones! Usually I would run to go somewhere or act like I was running away when I was younger, living with my parents. My folks were not astute enough to pick up that was a suicidal symptom, so, without treatment, this one can precipitate to a worse outcome, like a suicide attempt--which I did. Since this discussion is about depression, acting impulsively is doing something without thinking about it and letting the chips fall where they land--meaning if the depressed person dies, that will be where the chips land... The depression symptoms you often see meshed with this suicide warning sign are guilt and hopelessness.

Poor performance in school and work: Young people often have failing grades and it is known they are able to do the work. For adults, it accounts for missed days of work, lack of follow through and missed deadlines. The depression symptoms you often see meshed with this suicide warning sign are lack of concentration, fatigue and excessive sleeping.

Putting affairs in order, tying up loose ends, writing/changing a will, giving away prized possessions: So many depressed African Americans feel they do not have anything, so changing wills is infrequent occurrence. Moreover, I have not seen or experienced giving away prized possessions freely. I gather this suicide warning sign resembles vandalism or destruction of property. The depressed person's thinking is "Since I have nothing to lose (hopelessness) and everyone thinks I am worthless (guilt, worthlessness), I will vandalize this property by graffiti or I will destroy this property by stealing/thievery of key items". What makes this illogical thinking occur in a depressed person is putting the affairs in order or tying up loose ends... What makes this a suicidal warning sign is the risk of arrest involved along with the depression symptoms and other suicidal warning signs like substance abuse or a death wish.

Feeling strong anger or rage: It has been told to me that depression is anger turned in on myself. The anger I have had and still have is due to unresolved hurts and pains done to me or experiencing what I perceive as a traumatic event. Some people casually say, "This is what is called life, deal with it"--is a destructive comment to make to clinically depressed individual, it is what will tip them over to just thinking about suicide to actually committing suicide. The heartless comment often is misconstrued to a depressed person who is already having inaccurate gross conclusions in thought and the comment causes the person who is incapable to articulate his/her feelings to only verify his/her self-worth with the depression symptoms. What you see is either the first suicidal warning sign of "listlessness" or "empty" feelings or you see an anger/rage unloading, often with crying. What causes this anger? I have a blog on anger as it is written from my bipolar POV. When I realized I was very anger or enraged, I had to develop an action plan to remove myself from the event so that my brain was not damaged by my negative thoughts. I also include several other activities and if you would like to know more, you would have to join Sistah Mental Health and Wellness -- the premier online social media site for diverse women:!

Remember, it should be noted that some people who commit suicide do not show ANY warning signs. So, loved ones may still feel, "I knew s/he was crazy, but..." And if you actively see these symptoms and want to help him/her, judgment does not help them, professionally licensed provider can! A few pastors have qualifications for professional mental health care and it does not only include prayer or telling one to just be saved! Many professionally licensed providers lack cultural sensitivity and could look "crazy" to you! Finding the what works for you, navigating the mental health care system, implementing mental health and wellness goals for you and your loved ones is very important! If that is something that interests you and you are a diverse woman, please feel free to join us at Sistah Mental Health and Wellness! We await your presence, today!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Spelman graduate & I married a #Morehouse Man--the deal

To keep this particular blog short, I will briefly say that Spelman College, an all female HBCU, is not a horrendous school to attend. For many women it is a wonderful experience and knowledge is vast. RARELY will any African American woman have the kind of college education that she could have a Spelman. But as for me, I was not suited to attend Spelman during the time I attended. Spelman lacked mental health resources and support that I suffered when I was in school and the members of the administration broke confidentiality that I unwittingly thought I could keep in confidence. If any lesson can be learned is that if you are a Bipolar African American woman, do not go to Spelman in the 1980's... LOL!

Invariably, since Morehouse College, an all male HBCU, was highly interactive with Spelman. The Spelman-Morehouse connection was close. We got a Morehouse brother in Freshman year. Spelman-Morehouse students often dated each other. Spelman women were in all the Morehouse fashion shows and often won Miss Morehouse, etc. We did have our battle of the sexes and as with all relationships, we had our fights. While I attended Spelman in the mid-late 1980's a lot of couples either got married before graduation or right after graduation. I so much wanted to be one of those women because it is what my parents did while they attended Fisk. Here I was, this hopeless romantic on a dateless night. As I reflect back, bad things were being said about me brought about by my untreated mania and poor behavior. Nevertheless, I lacked self-esteem, I was naive and I allowed myself to be abused, short of domestic violence. In fact, without going into too much detail for this blog, I allowed a boy to rape me and I did nothing because I so fearful of speaking up--I was ignorant. It caused me so much trauma that I needed to go to a psychiatric hospital in Atlanta, alone without familial understanding or support...

Do you blame me that after graduation I decided to swear off all Morehouse men. It was a Morehouse man that diverted my attention from my studies. Yes, I made that decision, but I was also ignorant and believed what this man said versus what I thought. It was a Morehouse man that passed on a sexually transmitted infection right before the day of AIDS in the African American community. It was a Morehouse man that date-raped me causing me to be hospitalized. It was a Morehouse man who dumped me. Oh no, no more Morehouse men living in the Morehouse mystique. For a good two years after graduation, I did not date, period...

I gathered my humiliation, distrust and hate of what I went through and built upon my knowledge. It was the reason I fabricated in my own mind as to why I only applied to one graduate school in my hometown and the school choose not to accept me after heavily networking with them. It was the reason I decided to seek professional mental health providers to assist me in my condition. Because if I did not, I would be dead by my own hand.

I refrained from attending any Spelman function outside my city. I refrained from interacting with anyone who was not a part of immediate local sphere of friends. I could not speak to them, I was too ashamed. Not even my linesisters of my Sorority knew what happened to me, that is how tight lipped I had to become. I was too scared to tell them. While I was pledging, one linesister totally cursed me out for being weak and I had to apologize for my weakness because really, I did not even begin to understand group dynamics. I was such an oddball overall that square pegs in round holes while bashing heads of bipolar disorder is just not worth the explanation. Not to make anyone reading this who sees him/herself as a friend feel bad, the reality is during those 2-3 years of a dry-season desert I had to forgive myself and seek my mind. I suffered from what some trained therapists would call Post Traumatic Stress Disorder--I literally had nightmares/night terrors after I GRADUATED FROM SPELMAN. In fact, I think my ability to rapid cycle due to bipolar helped me going back and forth to my hometown.

Needless to say, while the education was commensurate, the professors at Spelman and Morehouse could care less of a psychiatric problem of their students, EXCEPT for 3: my 1st semester biology professor; Dr. Jann Primus who died from cancer and Dr. Han from Morehouse for Organic Chemistry. They all took a liking to me & kept me interested in the sciences, specifically molecular genetics. Without out them, I would have not completed Spelman nor moved forward into anybody's graduate program.

After I graduated, I meandered. Upgraded by dating scene to high places. Lost weight, and learned some new life's lessons for a different blog. I completed my PhD program, relocated to Dallas, Texas. And I found myself working very hard in science. Long story short, I married the kind of man I detested--a Morehouse man. But at the time, I had learned to forgive myself and while leery, I gave this type of man who also graduated Morehouse a chance. I was ready. Fortunately, he was ready. And I fell in love with him.

Something to be said about Morehouse men: when they go to school they learn how to go hardcore to gain their dreams. These men are very hard workers. They will do the job they have been tasked to do and they are very intelligent going about it. Next thing is the Morehouse men that good heads on their shoulders are the nerdy geeky ones. Not the uber-religious ones or the players or the rabble-rousers or the pimps, but the one's that have their heads completely stuck in their books, who read an array of extra material on top of excelling in their grades and the one's who have plans for their lives. These men are the epitome that Morehouse upholds. A Morehouse man has internships or coursework during the summer & beyond. They have an exchange program or study abroad program, possibly a Fulbright Scholar. There are decent family connections--i.e. he doesn't disrespect any of his elders or siblings. That is the kind of Morehouse man who exists with some faults and there are pros and cons--i.e. arrogance. But if you can tolerate that great!

The amazing this is my Morehouse man tolerates me! Moreover, he has built me up, bolstered by self-esteem even when I am at my lowest and this is far beyond my graduate date from Spelman. It may be the character of the man, but assuredly, Morehouse education help mold that character. Maybe that is what attracted me to him the most, which I had forgotten existed after all the non-Morehouse men I dated.

I also see plenty of bashing of Black men by many people, including Black Women. And while I have dated my share of losers, and have seen the backlash by Morehouse professors who are also Alumni, the thing is that these men are willing to take a look at themselves introspectively. Whether they keep that new look is another issue, but at least they either look at it or try it. And that is how I learned to love my Morehouse man, at his lowest point, I gave him some options, he chose one and he is happy I assist him in a new behavior.

I think the relationship between Spelmanites and Morehouse men is a torrid one, but once a critical connection is made, it is built to last!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

#KO Olbermann on #countdown 4 #HCR #p2 #publicoption #msnbc

Thank you Mr. Keith Olbermann and your impassioned plea for Health Care Reform with the public option.

Sistah Mental Health & Wellness

Youth violence and Sistah #Mental #Health and #Wellness

Today, I saw in CNN that often reports violence images on their news reports, how violence must be stopped by these young men who killed Derrion Albert, a 16 year old student who had no criminal record. The savage killing with tire irons and planks that killed this young man by gangs is reprehensible. The youth who are suspected in killing this young man have not been found or turned in due to the concept of "stop snitching"--no one will "tattletale" to the police about the suspects.

Not even the cell phone filmer who brought this beating to attention right before the bid of the Chicago Olympics in 2016, has not been arrested for uploading smut on to the internet and bring it to the attention of major cable media news outlets...

Then, on CNN when they discussed this topic, I must say it took courage and an emotional plea to change, but it still sounded like BLAME THE VICTIM! The young people if found, proven (by what jury of their peers) guilty & sent to prison for all their lives ruining families already destroyed, will show what for the improvement of the whose community?

No discussion about the INJUSTICE done to these kids over all. Jane Velez-Mitchell keeps saying no one is talking about PEACE--that PEACE is the way to stop violence from a rather violent network, sounds sanctimoniously & self-righteously, lumping on the responsibility to find solutions to this problem that has been growing for over 30 years when President Reagan stole the money & introduced crack into these communities... No, there will be no peace because there is no justice. NO JUSTICE! NO PEACE!

Violence is NOT stopping because someone starts talking about PEACE... Peace occurs because of love. This is a place that is bereft of love. And love is a JUSTICE action... So is forgiveness as well as relaxation...

When pundits say let's do this one idea to solve a chronic condition such as poverty both monetarily and morality and psychologically, they miss the point toward a holistic living or lifestyle changes required for sustainability. WHOLE LIFE LIVING requires some level of JUSTICE BEING SERVED! The Chicago community hurt by this 1 of many young men murdered are ignorant! Justice has not been serve to let them make any informed decision. THIRTY YEARS! That's roughly 2-3 generations growing under a belittling, impoverished conditions who don't even know that a better world exists anywhere! It is easy to live in a rut and as a young person who still is neurologically developing, how can any of us adults who did not grow up similarly ask differently of them without providing them justice or showing an alternative?


These are concepts that the CHURCH has lacked in teaching in these communities. I should know, I use to attend these kinds of churches. Catching the holy spirit, sitting in Bible studies, prayer vigils and making up fasts are all good things, but they are practiced haphazardly without knowledge by the participants where mythology develops and misnomers are perpetuated--especially when it comes to help.

The gateway to the Black community is no longer the church, otherwise how are drugs getting in, then? The Black community was assaulted 30 years ago--it is absent from the discussion of multicultural heritage because we lack ties to a land. And Black people destroy one another--I have incurred that wrath in my current community, which I share no parts into it.

We need a re-envisioning and JUSTICE is the way through love. The Church can assist us with the epistemology of the understanding of LOVE--especially love of oneself--not a selfish love, but a balance, well-being, holistic love--Beloved-God is Love--Love... That would help, a lot. Then translating that action into deeds, because see it is not enough that one LOVES him/herself, that love is translated in words, actions, deeds--mainly community service--where JUSTICE is needed.

Then I would come in with Warrior Training: Mindfulness, Healthy Living, Martial Arts, Nutrition that when one loves one's temple and the body is one's temple, it must be honored... Through non violent communications, motivational interviewing, physical fitness, watering, serving the community--daily, be it community gardens, assisting the younger children to cleaning up the streets of dereliction.

Then the teachers, educators, coaches, artisans (vocational, military, construction, technical) can finally have access to the group to broaden these young people's minds.

I am not the first person to craft this. But knowing molecular genetic systems to keep cells to animals alive, they must be bathed in a good nutritive mix. Never have I seen cells or animals die because of good nutritive enriching environment. NEVER! Cells to animals THRIVE in this kind environment--the expand, the animals are more eager to participant in trials. It is when I remove several nutrients and enrichment at once that I see massive die offs in waves.

My family did not rear me to idly watch this ugliness grow.

But the barrier to success in this Chicago community is INJUSTICE, then Love and forgiveness. Violence is only a symptom the disease of poverty... One can expect that outcome. It's amazing that it's gone on for 30 years...

Sistahs if you need to find toward self-LOVE and want to learn more, please join us at Sistah Mental Health & Wellness and you can fill out your PQ Interest Questionnaire today to seriously have a talk!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

MEDICATION discussion & then some #bipolar #mentalillness

I do not like discussing medications because of several reasons, the main one is I do not want to give any sufferer any ideas of self-medications because that is inappropriate. And then, I do not want to be told by someone who is NOT a clinician or my physicians the delicate balance I am in while taking these serious medications. Moreover, I see these type of medications just like other chronic disease medications, i.e. diabetes, hypertension, heart problems, etc--psychotropic medications work for me because I have found what works and I will need them for the rest of my life. I was born with the misfortune of having this biochemical imbalance in my head and I am struggling to regain that balance. Off medications, and the imbalance immediately comes back and hits me like a ton of bricks.

So, my diagnosis is bipolar. Initially, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, no medications were available at the time. Then by the time I saw a psychiatrist, I was in a major depressive episode where I had attempted suicide. So I was put on anti-depressants that did zero for me except sending my moods to mania. Over time, I taught myself the science of bipolar. I have a PhD in molecular genetics so I pretty much am very familiar of the biochemistry, protein chemistry, molecular interactions, genetic influences, to make an informed decision. Like I said before, it was an very astute psychiatrist that diagnoses me with having bipolar and when I looked at all the symptoms in total, I agreed. The drug I was prescribed was Lithium. The symptoms of mania subsided in 3 weeks. My mind did not race, I didn't spend money like I had some, and I did not pick fights with the one's I love.

Mood disorder drugs do that. Then, the side effects hit me: dry scaly skin, shakiness in the morning and my favorite: my menstrual cycle dictates my moods a lot, so, close to my menstruation and right after my menstrual cycle, my mood drops to depression. Because of that issue, I have to take a small amount of anti-depressant to keep the mood safe. This drug is lamotragine. Well with most anti-depressants suddenly have a side effect on me--it makes me dizzy, so I must be slow to stand up, watch for my peaked manic moods, and eat a normal diet. But one side effect that just cropped up is I cannot remember simple things, until I exercise.

I am confused more than usual. I am forgetful that usual. I think is all the foul moods I sustained caused me brain damage that cannot be measured by normal methods, like X-ray. My problem may need fMRI or PET imaging. But my insurance will not give that to me because I've had 2-3 MRI's also with no complicating factors. Then I am not sitting in the MRI again, I cannot stand it!

When I'm not on my anti-depressants, I remember all the bad memories, as well as the great ones... But with bipolar, the bad is that old cobweb easy stinkin' thinkin' vs. unable to remember any memory. I don't know which is better.

I am NOT going to run down the street rather cuckoo. Neither, do I want forget the great memories. Exercise sort of helps, but I am not there.

When we do crazy things in public...

I have been known to do some crazy stuff in public. Sometimes it is done so spontaneously without any thought to it. It's not dangerous, it is just, well, crazy.

I bring this up because this new young singer, "Lady Gaga", was on SNL and sang "Dancing On Your Disco Stick" within a gyroscope type suit... Here is a typical look for her freaking out the rap artist "Eminem"

Anyhow, she's famous and probably is doing it for the notoriety, the crazier she is, the better off. She also does have talent in singing. So to make a difference, Lady Gaga needs that schtick to be different. It's all cool when your a performer...

But for the most of us who are not famous, doing inane things in public, we are seen as crazy. I have done some crazy, silly things: like buying dog from the pound for someone, preparing food dishes without recipes, giving extravagant gifts that are unreasonable... One time, I was treated so poorly by an airline, I purchased a one way ticket to the location of my desire, at the time it was $200--but I had a credit card.

Wow, I did some bizarre crazy things. I hope I never hurt anyone. But, I have hurt myself. Because when I do oddball things, it is a manifestation of my mania.

These days, I have matured. But I have not ever physically or mentally harmed anyone. Even though I recover from bipolar disorder, ignoramuses often misjudge me as "dangerous" because I sometimes say and do crazy things. Most people have not wanted to get to know me and I really do not care anymore to know why. When I was young, I wanted people to like me, so I would compromise all who I am. I couldn't define myself for myself and function. And oneday, suddenly, I just said the HAYLE about dealing with folks not like me or lacking inclusion of me or my ideas. I have been toiling alone before, I am use to it by now.

Those people who are over enjoyed to spend time with me, work with me will do wonderful things together. To this day, I have done crazy things, and I still have a few friends. The thing is, when others who have misjudged me find out I am actually pretty cool, then they begin to realize there is a unique spot in me--so, why should I change to make people like me? I like me and I think I am just fine the way I am. I don't like lies being told about me, but people with small minds must do that.

My oddball behavior has been a badge of honor for me to wear. Who else is doing what I am doing? So if folks have a problem with that, basically, they can...