Tuesday, October 27, 2009

EPISODE WARNING TRIGGER: What I do when loved one's tell me to give up these days

When I was young, I was a usually American rebellious teen. My head was hard as a rock! No one could tell me anything. Even today, my husband would say not much has changed. But, I think I consider more what people say due to my life's experience and my attempt to monitor my "mania". If I leave my mania unchecked, I can fly off the handle or worse. Lately, I have getting very angry and rant, about everything! I have to use my mindfulness techniques to monitor that...

Anywho, an aspect of my mental illness causes bad memories--or the bad tapes--to play louder than the good sounds. In fact these tapes are old and busted reel-to-reel bad tapes versus the sleek new Nano IPOD with the picture in green (um, hint, hint for Christmas Gift lol).

My bad tapes rule my thoughts. I cannot express love to my loved ones. When they ask me simple questions, I rant and rave, I go into shock and I negatively ruminate and cling to what they meant by it! The other day, my mother asked me how long will I continue on with this "business" like I am? Simple question, but with the inflection of her voice, and the fact she is my mother who said it, the meaning I took from it reach anger from 0 to 60 in 0.8 seconds. Why? Because, she added a story about another loved one who is giving up a dream and came to some conclusions when my mom asked.

She cannot see my face and how happy I am just doing social media! People come to me to ask questions about mental health and how to navigate a very alienating complex mental health care system. Forget how to pay for it, let's talk about people actively having an episode, having to go off their mental health treatments because they cannot afford it, and slowly coming to the conclusion their mind is driving them absolutely bonkers! These people cannot speak to family members because they will tell them to pray to Jesus, or friends because they don't want to hear it, or whatever reason to fabricate why there is no one to talk to, and so, the minute they see someone who is willing to listen, they jump at the chance as an outreach effort. Hoping this effort goes somewhere--anywhere but where they are now. How do I know? I've been there, done that and got a T-shirt.

Positive comments are welcomed to uplift someone, but there is a core, underneath that requires a professionally licensed person to help them. Needless to say, in respects to my mother and God knows I love her, I LOVE SOCIAL MEDIA AND MY BUSINESS IS SMACK DABBED IN THE MIDDLE OF IT! When I encounter a person having difficulty, usually, I can get them to make some choices, reason why I pursued coaching rather than medical school or graduate school for psychology. I know enough and have experienced enough to realize I have something to offer!

Then, there are others who question my intent, which frustrating to no end! I feel when I become successful, I want to say, "pbbbttthhttttt" to the bandwagoners, but that would not be right. It is like they are "naysayers"--have no positive thing to say and rather that not saying anything, it is there job to say negative shit to me! That just sets me off. I even could say HATERS! But I cannot say that to loved ones.

The ONE person who doesn't say that to me is my husband! I love him! He is very supportive to a point, then he succumbs to the naysayers until I fight back. Of course he asks me at the same time when he sees I am doing reckless activities. Fortunately, this go-round, I am not. I have been catching myself pretty well!

This rumination is nuts! It is killing me! But overall, I have to do what I am doing. I run a little survey on mental health! And now I am getting responses worldwide! :) DIVERSE CULTURES HAVE A DIFFERENT UNDERSTANDING AS TO WHAT IS MENTAL ILLNESS! WHO ELSE IS STUDYING THIS INFORMATION ONLINE EXCEPT FOR THE HIGH LEVEL ACADEMIC LABS OR GOVERNMENT ORGANIZATIONS?

It's simple: when people look for understanding mental illness, they now look on health websites, from there they search for a community of people who share their concerns and join them. My place is for women of color, diverse women, to share all ideas related to mental health--to find healing. And Isle Sanctuary. I made a way out of NO WAY! And I will continue until I die! It is my life's passion and I am kissed by God to do it! I cannot give up now, because I will fail those who do need help and can be helped by my life's experience.