Thursday, October 15, 2015


My paper was cited again. The same scientific research article that my mentor professor told me that no one will read or care about my research. My paper has been cited by other scientific researchers seven times in their articles, worldwide. So much for saying my science is worthless.

What gets me is I could have been the scientist to discover the developments that have been published since my first paper. I could have been the researcher to make an impact on science. I could have been if I could have let go of stupid, ignorant, white privileged microaggressions made to me by people that I prized, looked up to and hoped to be my mentors. Instead, the University of Washington in Seattle told me I'm nothing more than an "affirmative action" baby that has no ideas of my own or contributions to make to human disease or science.

That shit I've been hearing since I joined the Joint Doctoral program at San Diego State University and University of California, San Diego.

By my professors. By my colleagues and by my students I taught. Fucking white boys club to derail from science to tear down a Black woman. I was isolated and alone, only my clueless family who tireless got me through the program.

Everything started looking up when I transitioned to my first Post Doctoral program at the University of Texas, Southwestern Medical Center. Then all the stress, the anger, the rage and the lack of medical care caused by the mental anguish of racism, crashed down on me. Part of it was my fault. I was a fiend for science. I did not eat, I did not rest. I did not take care of myself, physically. I had no friends. I stopped trying. Then, BOOM! I wake up off the floor. I fainted. I may have had a seizure. I may have had a stroke. I don't know?

Either way, I had to get out of there.

Then I met my husband who lived in Seattle, WA and I got a job in this laboratory that studied DNA damage. Six months in, I beg for this tiny project. 2 years later, I emerge with a tiny paper. And that was when I was told, my research is meaningless.

I thought to myself, "Self, my research counts!" So I move to this high pressure lab and it was the biggest failure of my life. I evacuated that calm before the storm. My new professor was psychotic and he hated women and he called me the "N-word"!

My husband said he didn't want me working for that lab anymore. I agreed. I left.

Then in 2008, I had a brief stent in another lab that ended my career with animal research. I got laid off as an "at will" employee. The Black people I spoke to, gave me ZERO support. I was alone. I felt abandoned.

So, in life, I changed my life and left science. It was because of bigotry, racism and sexism. I want nothing to do with science. I still had a scientific mind, but active research was gone. I took me 4 years with many tears and therapy to come to the conclusion that I would be fine without science.

Why try to prove oneself to people who would never give you a chance despite all the work, tears, successes you'd do? Especially me, a bipolar person?

You know the crazy man's lab tried to label me dangerous? ASSHOLES! Typical for them.

Then in 2011, I get an email notice in my "Google Scholar's Alert" that my 2008 paper was cited. The paper no one would read.

Then it started trickling from there.

This latest citation shows interesting results about the mutated protein in mice that has DNA damage, and changes in lipids. The only discrepancy is, there is physiology that corresponds to diabetes, whereas, my research does show that in animals with no protein.

Either way, I want to say, "thank you" to Dr. Lebel for citing my research. I do not care if he shows my research is wrong, the fact is he read my paper and cited it. His citation is important to me.

Per his research: He indicated that he sees an organellular dysfunction of his protein that transverses the cytosome into various structures, like peroxisomes. Though he only has immunofluorescence to support his claims, and he would need EM to fully prove his claims, the idea is intriguing based on his fatty acid and precursor data that is increased in his animals.

A tidbit of data we never published was the pancreatic beta-cell islets were hypertrophied in our animals compared to wildtype animals fed a similar high-fat, high-sugar diet. The wildtype animals had enlarged beta-cell islets, for a diet-induced diabetes, but the beta-cell islets from Wrn knockout animals exploded. The Wrn knockout animals had the beta-cell hypertrophy months earlier.

The issue with diabetes is insulin cannot be released from the beta-cell. It was not clear to me how insulin was clogged in the pancreas, called secretagogue secretion and there are many diabetic drugs that unclog the secretagogue, but that was a cytosomal organelle unassociated with peroxisomes directly.

With this paper's implication, peroxisomes may serve some role in the secretion of insulin and other secretagogues in high-lipid moieties: pancreas, liver, and macrophages.

I believe that if these authors were to feed the diet to their animals, then look at the beta-cell islets at some point, they will find the implications for diabetes in the Werner Aging disease.  Diabetes in aging is a peroxisome disorder that starts with DNA damage. I have no proof, but based on all the literature I've read and remember, it was my working hypotheses. Of course I was going the other way, how proteins go into the cell.

I could not get funded for that. No support.

Anyhow, you can support me by purchasing a book from Amazon

Friday, October 2, 2015

The Oregon Shooter Made The Bad Choice to Kill And Was Not Mentally Ill

I have friends in this business and I use the services, but whenever there is another mass shooting, we go back on the stigma of mental illness.
First, replace mental illness with heart disease or cancer and see how far you get with your logic because mental illness is has a medically measurable pathology to it as assessed by health care providers. It requires treatment. It is a chronic condition.
The use of a gun as a weapon is the same for someone who has mental illness and someone who has cancer. Erroneous thoughts happen in both. Actually, how much measurement that is, I haven't seen definitive peer reviewed scientific evidence.
Then the fact that MOST people who do have mental health condition that are undergoing some kind of treatment are STILL lucid enough to determine right from wrong.
I do not believe in using a gun to solve my problems with cruel people. I'd rather stomp around angrily than to resort to gun use and violence. Nothing positive happens with a gun when people are assholes. My self-efficacy is strong enough to know, I'm not going to let some asshat get the best of me when I feel it is not worth my "lifeforce" energy. I can walk away. Pissed. But walk away. I can use mindfulness to stave my anger to move forward. It takes me awhile, but it's better off for me in the long run.
I grew up around guns, too. I've shot at ranges before. Not until I learned by vision was impaired due to a brain congenital defect did I stop practicing gun use with safety. What's the point if I can't see? And even if I could, it's still not for me.
so from my perspective, there does need gun control similar to that like a car with insurances, licenses, etc. What's wrong with that?
My friends who do know how to to use weapons well and my husband can speak more on it.
But this last guy, he made a choice. a bad choice. Which makes him have the ability to tell right from wrong. We'll never know because he's dead. But it looks like, that people who DO NOT GET MENTAL HEALTH treatment are the ones that act out. It looks like people who LAPSE in their mental health treatment act out. Not those of us who do.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Mindfulness and Poverty

Living in the present brings one balance and harmony to a stressful life. As we meditate to become mindful, we learn a few things to live without, a self-control and a heightened self-efficacy. We want that in a stressful life to bring back its breath and rejuvenate us to continue our tasks.

But after reading these articles about poverty (x, x) - poor people are stigmatized by the rich as if their poverty is because they are weak and have no self-control. The myth that poor people cannot restrain themselves from frivolous consumption, as in spending government subsidies on fast foods and other items. All of this thinking is NOT TRUE!

Poor people are poor because of piss poor policies and injustices done to people. Poor governance of human capital that prizes human contribution and inclusion. Irrational narcissism that oppresses people less fortunate in life than what happens to other. It's an arrogance to condemn the poor and for those of us who are religious, specifically Christian, it is one of the greatest sins we wage against God and Jesus Christ.

In fact, poor people have to live in the present because they do not trust the future and it is uncertain as well as unstable. To save a little money for a future payment for say "school" when they finally get enough money, the program is no longer there. It was the difference to eating to survive and then hoarding and hiding money to a future of empty promises. Why trust that? Which means that poverty is more a systemic and organic issue than a weakness of will.

Poor people refrain from eating poor diets, in fact they eat healthier ones. Some dumb people will ask why are poor people fat as the reference women of color, specifically Black women, and never did it occur to them that most poor people might be in starvation response. That in starvation, the stomach protrusions through an enlarged liver to drive sugar production and dwindling bones could possibly be the reason why poor people can be overweight. To correct the starvation response requires high amounts of protein in palatable diets, which unfortunately protein sources are markedly scarce in impoverished environments. Moreover, forget alternative diets, like vegan or vegetarianism. Last checked, most poor people in urban areas cannot have livestock for consumption due to health concerns, and within two generations, the agricultural lifestyle is absent for a majority of people. Farming and ranching is done by corporations that rip off the small farmer who barely makes ends meet further enhancing food desserts.

However, poor people who manage to overcome their obstacles do it at their risk of stress that impacts their bodies, with heart disease and rapid aging. It is as if they know they are poor and it makes them sick so they struggle to not be poor. What would happen if they did not know?

That cocky behavior is manifested solely by the rich. A privilege to dominate over those who can't make decisions. It is as if we live in the FICTIONAL tale of "Oliver Twist" that if we give an impoverished child a better life, then perhaps they will become better. The issue is give JUSTICE to poor people than to create a heaven for them and to see it all defiled by their inability to see the longterm. A survival mentality from day-to-day to complex to higher brain function of prognostication takes education. And our society has failed in that.

Ironically, MINDFULNESS as practiced by Tibetan Buddhist Monks is to relinquish all worldly possession into a poverty of physical attributes and purse a life of solitude and meditation into the richness of the cosmos.

In order to be MINDFUL one has to be poor in physical wealth. For a Christian we are led by the Jesus' scripture, Mark 10:21:

Looking at him, Jesus felt a love (high regard, compassion) for him, and He said to him, “You lack one thing: go and sell all your property and give [the money] to the poor, and you will have [abundant] treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me [becoming My disciple, believing and trusting in Me and walking the same path of life that I walk].”

Today to be poor, though stigmatized by society, is to be rich in a spiritual sense. That poverty, though it can cause a rough, tough exterior, criminal in some respects, also brings a compassion in the spirit higher than any monetary richness can provide. No one likes being poor if they know about it or care about practicalities which are essential, i.e. shelter... Poverty builds lack of trust in people because resources are uncertain and unstable. However, living in the present gives hope for the future that tough times are not forever, and even if they are, the future works in forces more powerful than monetary treasures on this planet. It teaches us to love one another more, compassionately for justice to serve.

Friday, September 11, 2015

WARNING TRIGGER: Natasha McKenna Video

Natasha McKenna

Natasha McKenna suffered from schizophrenia. She was not in recovery. She was never lucid. She did something that had her questioned by the law. She was in episode and went into mental health hospital for 10 days. The psychiatrist said she should be in the hospital for longer and that jail would be very bad for her. Law enforcement in Virginia disagreed and took her into custody where she went full blown psychotic episode, untreated and the facility was ill equipped to manage psychosis.

I am a research scientist with a doctorate in molecular genetics and I have bipolar which I have treated by a psychiatrist and a social worker in my health system. I have a wellness action recovery plan (WRAP) and I have a strong support network with sympathetic family and friends. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have something get that out of order for anyone to be placed in a dangerous environment such as a jail in full episode.

Did the mother KNOW her daughter would die in law enforcement's hands?

NEVER TRUST THE POLICE! NEVER TRUST LAW ENFORCEMENT! Get a lawyer and have legal representation.

What I know about schizophrenia is that the neurology is multigenetic, epigentic, environmental and a neurological mess. But I recall in my scientist days that there was this voltage gated-ion channel that misfires in the brain and has some impact on the erratic thinking, but it is also in the heart that stop a heart from beating. Stress -- like that seen in this youtube below activates it and being tasered, as Ms McKenna was can cause any voltage gated ion channel to "get stuck" open/closed for it to stop working properly to the point to stop the nerves and electrical conduction to contract. (reference)

In any case to throw out the charges from the law enforcement torturers that did an enhanced interrogation on Ms. McKenna, it makes me wonder how safe I am because I suffer from a mental health condition. Though my episodes and act outs are limited because my stress is minimized are far less than Ms. McKenna's it still worries me that that woman could be me. I am no different from her. It makes no difference other than fortune that has paved my way versus hers. Now she's dead. A lovely flower waiting to bloom with a chance snuffed out by jackbooted thugs. I don't care how they feel. Fuck them and fuck you if you disagree. Pay me to yell at me:

What to be done now? The lame Sherriff that needs to be voted out, is right, better crisis intervention. But that's still blaming the victims. Yes, more money for mental health services. But the 1% is psychotic themselves. What would make #BlackLivesMatter to these people? I don't know? It hurts and no one cares.

Well, I care. I know Ms. McKenna's mother does. A whole lot of us, do. But what else can we do to undergird this racist bigoted systemic issue? New votes won't matter. Protesting won't change. Writing, writing, writing, is not changing people. So we just have to realize that white supremacy is in play here and wait it out.



Thursday, August 27, 2015

Good. Vester Flanagan is dead and he has no excuse. PAY ME:

Vester Flanagan

I don't care if people yell at me on the internet and call my blog bullshit to my face. I don't care if someone doxxs me over this asshat. I'm just going to say it:


He's dumb and he has nothing good about him. He killed the Parker girl who was a reporter and Ward the cameraman indiscriminately with extreme predjudice.





Grudge much?

What gets me is he was told he has some issues and he took that as a bashing and did not try to get help. He was let go. He acted out.

I know something about that.

At my job, they accused me of a bunch of stuff. Nevermind the fact that they lied about me. Nevermind the fact of the microaggressions they delivered to me. Nevermind the fact my boss gave me a 23 page manifesto email extoling his virtues and condemning me.

All I knew was to GTFO of that place.


My health was more important than a job I hated. Recent research says that taking on a hated job is not better than no job. It destroys so much. To define oneself by a job is pathetic. Do what you love. Find your passion. Your heart.

But Vester the the Molester needs to realize he messed up. So does his family. There is no excuse to what happened and he needs to own up to that. So does his family. Accountability must be taken.

And while the families of the other shooters did not take accountability, that does not absolve them. There is no reason why folks act out heinous acts such as these.

It makes no sense. Fact is, no one really cares. Still, this is wrong and accountability for mental illness needs to take on the onus.

I have bipolar. I take meds, I see a therapist. I attend groups if I need to. I read self-help books.

IDGAF if you don't have what I do. If I am leveraging privilege on you, or if I seem condescending:

That does not absolve me or your taking charge over our mental illness and moving toward positive action.

I must exercise. I must drink plenty of water. I must get consistent and restful sleep. I must do these things to be the best person I can be to help others. This is my duty, my treat to my joie du vivre.

This dummy CHOSE not to do that and that is what pisses me off. I don't care what his mentality was, he FAILED. Our system may have failed to, but he shot those people.

As far as gun control, I don't use guns to solve my problems. I have no problems that require a weapon. I don't fight wars, I'm not in a demilitarized zone, I'm in a nice place with a decent life to live out my existence. Guns do not figure into my life. And while there may be people in my area that use guns to control their lives, I'm not one of them.

That does not mean that guns are not present in my life. They are, like a diet, like being a vegetarian, I don't need to use guns. My choice.

I'm not a hunter, so...

But given I already have a mental health issue, that I work hard on to keep myself healthy, it's rather fucked up that an asshat destroys people and stigmatizes people with mental health issues further.

Reality is people like that have NEVER sought mental health care, they don't seek it out, they never seen a provider. So when they go crazy, it is by surprise as if no one knew.

But my rage is deeper than that: He is in a hard competitive field of news stations and reporting - where's his youtube channel? What's his hobbies? It is said he's gay, why didn't he write for gay newspapers if he's a reporter - they can use a professional reporter. Why didn't he start a business? He could have gotten the computer programs he needed to produce an online show. But for whatever reason, he decided to brood.

I know for me, I made a conscious choice to leave my position. I knew that if I left, I could not come back. I grieved, but now, I've moved on with my life. Am I still mad at a few people? Yes. But I think of it like this: JUST ONE LESS PERSON TO THINK ABOUT AT CHRISTMASTIME!


If I see them, I'll laugh at them. My life is 10000000000000000000 50-eleventy times better than theirs. Because see, I moved on. I didn't have to step on people for their wickedness to get ahead.

Call it my faith.

Call it whatever.

IDC about that. Because who am I living my life for anyway?


Sunday, August 16, 2015

#SHE: An Ode to The Black Woman

I think this is cute cos that’s all young men for you. We all feel the need for pairbonds and for love. Don’t miss your chance for it when you see it. And go into it with a positive outlook, even though it might become less than desired. No one is perfect. An intimate relationship in the bonds of marriage does take work. 

The criticism I have is as a Black woman, I don’t want to be diminished by my skin color. I’m not beautiful because I have melanin. Melanin accentuates my outwardly appearance that I have come to appreciate after my 47 years of life on this planet. I am beautiful because I’ve done lots of soul work shaped by my experiences in life, some based on racism and negativity, but also some based on love, compassion and care given to those I least thought cared that did not look like me. So to eliminate that is to be ungrateful and devalue me as a person. And when I see men say that to me, I cringe, because I know it’s not true. 

And then now I have a different perspective, because my husband who I married at a later age than most and we do not have children and he is a Black man, are incessantly mushy mushy goofy geeky silly in love. We don’t have a fantabulous life. I’m not doing my own thing like I was 15 years ago. He is the breadwinner of the home. There are reasons for that and ACTIVE choices I made and agreed to. Yes, I knew I was making these choices without knowing the end-game. But that’s life and nothing is promised. So you just move on and say, let’s make the best of what we’ve got and new memories. 

What can I say? Early in our marriage, my husband was learning how to handle my mood issues which is a very hard thing to do. He asked me, "What can I do to make you happy?"

I was in a breakdown pity party mood, tearful and my conscious woke up. I said, "Nothing." I could see his head drop, hurt, befuddled and confused. It was because he felt he had done everything he knew he could do to make me happy with him and my life happy. It was then I realized he did not understand the meaning behind my answer. I interjected. "You cannot make me happy, but you can contribute to my happiness and do things that make you happy. That in turn makes me happy for you. Because I like to see you happy, too."

He lifts he head and held me tight in his arms. That made me happy, and I think then, he realized my happiness was beyond purchasing items, but moments and experiences. My husband found my key to the "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. You may disagree with the author, but still is a good starting workbook for long-lasting love.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Dedicated in Memory of My Sorority Sister: Monica Butler Johnson

This death due to domestic violence hurts because it is my sorority sister that was murdered by her estranged husband (x).
She had done everything legal in her right to get out of her relationship. But Sheriff Jeff Wiley said this:
While he said it is important to fully utilize the legal system, he said it can’t protect victims 24/7. He suggested an additional option. 
"Get your concealed weapons permit. Ladies, learn how to safely handle a weapon, learn how to safely store a weapon, and when you're in a situation like this shoot him in your back yard before he gets in your house. Drop him," said Wiley.
The Sheriff admitted the advice may sound radical, but he said extreme violence requires extraordinary efforts for protection.
"Take the extremes necessary to live a life where you don't have to worry about your kids and your life," said Wiley.

This is some the most privileged cis-het violent white male crap I have read. What and turn into Marissa Alexander to be imprisoned excessively? Why? Dumbass! 

There should have been more to protect my soror! And now you will be obliterated on social media by me and everyone I can get to kick you out of your position of authority. 

The husband was a sheriff, too. Manipulation is what domestic violent abusers do. Just one thing added on another.

Louisiana SUCKS ASS in protecting women.
We must do more than this.
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