Friday, July 31, 2009

The right to NOT go back to my original career!

Right now, I do not have a job. Therefore, I have no income from someone else, like a boss, paying me to do a job. I was laid off in October, 2008. I have not worked since that time. I have repeatedly looked for a variety of positions that I thought I would like, give me forward movement, change my perception, etc. I dislike my job in 2008 because of several reasons. First, it was tedious and lack intellectual challenges that I needed to keep me engaged. Second, I think I got tired of expending some much thought energy to something I got little happiness or satisfaction out of. You know how the pundits say, do something you love, even if you do not get paid--you still enjoy it? Well, that job I had, I hated every day of it. Hence the reason I got laid off after wasting ~5 months of my life.

Another issue is you know how at a certain age, you feel you should be somewhere in your life after hard work and effort? I have been in school since being school-aged. My entire life has been devoted to learning. I have gotten some rewards to attaining my educational degrees. I have small experiences related to career-worklife. But where I lack those concepts, I make up for the wonderment of my ideas. I don't know how I get them, whether I ponder ideas or they just pop into my head, the fact remains, that I think many of my thoughts are marketable and can make money given a chance.

The other issue is I hit my intellectual peak. There are so many sp1 orbitals I want to remember. I do not want to know if the Kreb's cycle intermediates generate the correct isotopemers. Nor do I care for the specific activity of C-14 intermediates in catheterized human cells to estimate turnover. I cannot remember if F=ma or the current = voltage X resistance. I just do not want to think that way anymore. I cannot do it anymore, so when I have to read the scientific articles, I have become illiterate. Not by choice. But, by some sort of stroke induced mental block. If I think about it, I become stressed and stroke out and that part of my brain is wasted... It doesn't mean I cannot go back to it, but lately within the last 2-3 years, I cannot read, study, understand and discuss these hard core scientific studies anymore. I cannot, and I will not. I am in a state of rebellious pre-contemplation...

I KNOW there are some things I can do. I can organize people well! I love planning events related to learning and find sponsors and supporters. I know how to connect people up and network with them. I are really good at listening and I am getting better every day. I can use motivational interviewing techniques with appreciative inquiry to propel people forward to become their best mental health and wellness self.

I love coaching my practice clients. I could do it even if I do not get paid to do it. I like seeing others happy through the work I have done. I love making others joyful and happy. That makes me happy and joyful.

And while, what gives me my gratitude is often underappreciated, I keep helping those who want and need my help. I keep doing it in the midst of my own pain. I might look like a doormat, but I see it as soul-work for myself. Spirit work for a higher cause. I see this as my penitence for the damages I incurred through my mental health disorder and the utmost desire for self-hurt and suicide. I never thought God would lead me to my "peace", but God surprises me again! Just like I never thought He would lead me to a husband, but in His own time, he did.

So that is how I know I am doing what I am suppose to be doing. Living the life as He has asked me to. If God chooses to remove me from my situation, I just pray it will not be in utter suffering and pain. I ask to tiny joys. I am not asking to be rich beyond all my dreams, I just ask for wisdom to help others who suffer. And while I am not a direct healer, like a clinician, I feel I am becoming a "guru healer" "wise woman", that when all else has not worked, I am the one who can find a way to heal through the power within.

I do not really want to be all that famous, however, I want to touch the lives of all I engage. I just want to help... And that is where I am now...

Wow! Real Housewives of the ATL

Okey, I'm a noobz to this reality show, Real Housewives of Atlanta, but I found that behavior disturbing to say the least. Now, I know that the producers of this show, or whoever greenlighted the show probably wanted crazy women, mostly African American, to fight like cats and dogs with constant high schoolishness, but seriously, folks are 30/40-something years old...

Then only 2 this new season are actually MARRIED as housewives. The other 2 are divorcees. Then there is a new one who is being indoctrinated.

I see this as a marketing ploy to bolsters one's market share because it may be all these women want is to be celebrities and this is how--no matter how infamous. But talent takes you a long way. As far as I can see the neophyte has the real talent and hopefully, I would like to see success in her endeavors.

But the behavior of all these women is selfishness.! All this Fantasy Island glitterati with little to no effort. Just because they married a "ball player"--that's why they are "Housewives"? Well, to each her own. I can watch Robot Chicken & be a Cylon...

A young lady, Sheree', who seems to want to make herself classy wanted to have an "independence party" due to her divorce being final. She wanted a helicopter to fly her in with Strange' kind of Queen of the Nile stuff to be worshiped! Why? Then why have that lunacy in the city you live? Go to Monaco or something? Nice, Marseilles or the Greek Isles where they would ACTUALLY worship the ground you walk on just because you exude glamor and glitz. If you want to be independent, independently go to a foreign country, like Dubai and rock it like that there if you have it. But dayum, game needs to be anted up. Why argue with Mr. Party Planner who obviously did not know between his butt and the hole in the ground. Going off showed all your veins pulsating in your neck and that was ugly. Doubt your character is a mark of that! He's the one that has a poor reflection on his business, not you!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Acting stupidly!

How can we humans have a positive discussion about race? I don't want to talk about race. I don't care anymore! I am acting stupidly! I've lost my career I developed over 15 years because of race. I have lost my groups of friends because of race. Race is nothing more than acting stupidly. I am reminding of my race every time I go grocery shopping. Or it is when I fail to take my medications? I don't know anymore. This racialized culture in the United States is stupid-ly!

We are all acting stupidly dealing with this ignorance. As I am in recovery from my mental illness, bipolar disorder 2, how do I balance between the normal symptoms of my mental illness and the ignorant comments made by stupid people, including myself?

Well, like General Colin Powell said, you suck it up. Take a breath and try a teachable moment? When I feel my life, liberty and freedom is threatened--something that is insured by the United States government? Oh, wait, freedom isn't always free. That's right, I was acting stupidly.

Why should I have a chip on my shoulder? Not trusting anyone with my psychological assurance? That means, letting my guard down and being who I really am... Who am I? Really? I do not fit people's definitions other than the stereotype. And I refuse to live up to the stereotype and act crazy stupidly, so why trust anyone with my psychological assurance? Too hard to do the work that does not pay my rent.

It is easier to ignore the offense and stuff it in a box and try to come back to it later. But see, that causes stress, that stress is stuffed in bad places in the body and by the time it is gotten back to it, it is during medical catastrophes--cancer, heart disease, stroke, etc. That is the cost of acting stupidly... This abuse of assumptive stereotyping causes psychological trauma victimizing the target.

Sure, I can act stupidly, but my longevity is impacted, the amount of service I can do to the citizenry and community is minimized. The full expansive potential of who I really am, Divine Royalty, is like containing something meant to be in a box that cannot happen by physical means. All that is left is I can only call out, cry and yell...

There is more to life than this. I know, I've seen it. I will not just act, stupidly. I will not be someone who will accept this suggestion.

How I see it is that asking Dr. Gates to let it go is just like telling a rape victim to let it go after a henious rape or a combat veteran to get over those nightmarish traumas encountered. That is irresponsible. And racial psychological trauma is no different, as manifested by a government law enforcement officer.

Does every interaction with law enforcement contentious? Why? Are they not public servants? Is this a business design, rather than governing under laws by a democracy?

Monday, July 27, 2009

Friends? How many of us have them?

I'll admit, I know a lot of people. I travel in many circles and acquaintances abound. But the people that KNOW ME HAVE TO LOVE ME because of this crazy bipolar. One time I'm up, the next I'm down and it can be tough when I am in a new situation, or a new city.

Do you tell people you suffer from bipolar?

RARELY do I. Why? The stigma of having a mental illness. Facing the ridicule. The sly, glib and ignorant comments. I don't need that and I don't want it. I have worked so hard to maintain most of my balance and sometimes, I have off-kilter days. During those times, I avoid people-yes, I've read that it is not the best thing to do, but it is all I have got to control my rage when these same people piss me off. But, like a volcano, it is unpredictable...

When I deal with ignorant people and they say dumb stuff or treat me poorly, my body negatively responds to that. Depending on the comment made, like if it is about work, I will try to educate. If it has nothing to do about work, I choose not to educate. If it is anything personal, I shut it down immediately. I choose to leave and have nothing to do with these people because I do not know them well enough to maintain my sanity. And I will NOT let them disturb that about me. Actually, that is the latest development. Some would say, it is running away--I would call it "I have too much on my plate at this time and I do not need that..."

When does this issue arise? Well let me explain how it was before I incorporated that mentality. Prior to my medical accident in 2003, I would try to prove to people that I was smart enough, good enough, and I liked me (just like in the SNL skit by former actor, Senator Al Franken). After my medical accident and not really knowing what happened to me, while being in recovery, I asked what is the point "proving" anything to anyone? What do I have to prove? If these people do not appreciate all the attributes and qualities of who I am, what I am and what I stand for after what I have created for them, then they are at a loss, they choose to be stupid, they are unappreciative and they have the problem. I have ZERO to prove! I have not committed a crime, I have NOT intentionally hurt anyone with malice and I have NOT tried to go out of my way to subjugated anybody because it is well within my means to do so. Those are NOT the values I uphold as my guiding principles. I choose different principles and those are entrenched in my life's experience and I know I have something to share and say about them!

It took at least 5 years for me to get to that point. So, the dead weight that once burdened me with spiritual vampires sucking out my life's energy from me suddenly makes my circle of friends very small. And most of those friends live at a distance. What is ironic is I have one close male friend, my husband, but I can only share concepts that need can relate to, such as ESPN, cartoons, and technophile stuff. So our conversations are limited unless it is something serious, like the usual serious stuff marriages discuss. I have other friends who are men where I reside, but they truly act like boys sometimes, getting raunchy, discussing sexual conquests and proclivities, and gossiping maliciously. Men ironically tend to do that, rarely around women. And if a woman wants to "hang out" with the boys, she will not want to feministically question their logic on their discussions if she wants to learn more...

The female friends I have had since I was a child. Those friends will not change, EVER! I will have them for the rest of my life. Like sisters they will remain. Other social networks help, but the physical calling and contacting cannot replace what social media provides. And while I abundantly use social media, the full social dimensions of somebody poorly describes a person even with a picture. Sure one can tell some aspects of how someone thinks through the current web 2.0 platforms we currently use today. But, thoughts are NOT behaviors or mannerisms or appearances, or facial movements that allows the fullest flavor of having friends. So, while nice to connect with people on social media, it is only ONE aspect to the totality of that human being. And all of users, including myself, must NOT forget that!

One way to make friends is by joining groups. Especially when you are new to a city. In late 2003/2004 I was new the Seattle Area. My husband had to fortunate luck of not really caring about who his friends were. Men like him tend to be that way. So, in essence, his buddies were his drinking buddies who got into vicarious situations. That had to be cut because I was not going deal with that early in our marriage. He changed. Some of his buddies were married, and I tried to befriend these women, but they were vile toward me, like competitors. Why? I will never know and do I want to know? What made me write "I HATE SEATTLE" is this, "crabs in a barrel mentality" or competition when there is no competition. I may be bipolar crazy, but these women are NO competition against me. Just by my mere presence I outcompete them, if they are that insecure! So, I told my husband I am not being a part of his group of friends. I know that hurt him so, but after that vicarious situation, he began to understand that. Besides, I could have upgraded that game at that time with these women, if they wanted competition. Dumbasses! Those tactics I learned in Texas...

Ironically, the female friends I have had to cut from "Team Dr. Gina" are the ones that harmed and defiled my space so much that I could not possibly allow them into my life. It is not just that they constantly challenged every waking move I made, it was on the roughest, foggiest and harshest mind terrain these old biddies could conjure! What was going on in their minds about me was perverted and I do not really want to know. The values they were telling me where not the values I felt I was displaying and it was unfair, unrealistic and outright ugly. I would create wonders before their eyes and get ready for the emotional defeatism I felt due to the harsh, demeaning criticism I received. I cried in a corner for days and while I could talk to one of my closest friends of all, my mother, since she was not there, I was unable to fully explained to her accurately what happened on any forms of communication.

Last year, I thought I could successfully handle a very tough assignment for a group I hold dear into my heart. I did handle it, quite successfully and learned how to get a tough activity organized. But the way I was treated by my committee members and yelled at when I was the chairman of this committee, what inexcusable... At that time in my life, I had just made the toughest worklife decision I could ever make, my job caused me so much mental strife, I gained excessive weight, I was evil to people that had done nothing to me-like the grocery store clerk, and I felt accused of something I had not even started yet. The worse thing about this job was, the physical symptoms of my medical accident start reappearing: breakthough menstrual cycle bleeding and the scariest one, I would go to use the restroom and sit, then the walls spun, the dizziness had come back and I was told not to drive. Old mania habits that I had not controlled in a long time came back, ie misplaning experiments, disorganization, lack of focus, stress. I saw where I was going and what I would become if I had continued along that path and I did not like it. So I left. I simply packed my "bags" and left. Rarely have I looked back and be remorseful regarding that decision, because, it surely would have caused me a chronic illness.

But back to the group I held dear, after I encountered that, I took a one month break from all of that lunacy. While the outcome turned out to be more than stellar, I needed a break. Then one month became two, then three and then I decided hey, this feels pretty good! Well, they summarily kicked me out of the group! Of course, their rules. But I wrote a very harsh letter with emotional damaged and I let it go... I miss them from time to time, but I am FREE from the psychological torture to my soul!

There was another group I was a part of, and really, decisions could not be made in a timely manner. I had to leave that group.

There was another group of women that could not get organized, left that group.

See the pattern? I am leaving groups and I guess that is now incorporated in my psyche now since I had not done it before. I finish what I start, but I don't play the BS game. Don't should on me. DO IT! If you want to make something happen, bring it into being!

Now, I am embarking upon another group, and I am fearful because I do not know these women, they seem nice, and well-meaning, but... The difference is, they are not... No, I am in a different place and more receptive and open-minded.

I just had to leave another group because I don't need to be spoken harshy by anyone who is NOT paying me or NOT a customer. If we are collaborators they we speak to each other civilly, I deserve that much. I did what I was asked, but I cut that negativity from me because I am not playing with ignoramouses about me anymore. If they choose not to learn about me, fine. But don't be upset when I start to make my moves and you are not on the bandwagon, because you will get refused!

I have a long memory. Unfortunately, for the bad ways people treated me. I taught myself as a form of self-soothing, "if you can't beat them, join them. If you can't join them, leave..." I have joined plenty and not I am leaving. I can take my toys elsewhere and play in a different sandbox. I don't need to play with silliness anymore. It is now ALL about my business: The Ariafya Universe and if folks come to me with anything other than to propel my business to its peak...

Friday, July 24, 2009

We humans can do better

I hold a doctorate in molecular genetics and my viewpoint of this Universe is always one of curiosity, inquisitiveness and wonderment. I also view human beings as fellow caretakers on planet Earth along with all the other living organisms. As far as anyone else knows, we humans have impacted the Earth greatly-some might say greater than the Yucatan peninsula meteor that hit the Earth in the Jurassic that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.

Currently, within the last 100 years we have made and seen a vast acceleration of science, technology, engineering, manufacturing and industry (STEMI). We have defied our humanly possible biological speed through creation of cars. We have defied gravity with planes. We have defied the Heavens by outerspace travel. We have defied suffering from henious disease, such as polio, use of antibiotics and novel surgical procedures from open heart surgery, separation of conjoined twins connected by their brains, and the ability to add longevity to industrialized nation's lives. Moreover, we have defied our inability to see one another through increased communications, from telephones, televisions, satellites, radio to computers.

I wonder about our emotional social structure. Humans are social beings. Human babies born without a human touch, caress or coo, have a failure to thrive and often die. The cues are thought to be immediate after birth. And within 2 weeks, a human infant KNOWS its mother's voice and within 3 weeks, a human infant KNOWS its mother's face. The molecular biological mechansims at play here are vigorously being investigated. Why we humans do what we do to one another and how we interact interests me from an evolutionary, molecular genetic, mental health and biological perspective.

My point is: We humans can do better!

I was reared in a strong Christian household. My denomination is Presbyterian. I was taught the Bible at a young impressionable age. I do not lord it over anyone. This is about providing perspective to readers. Also, this is not faulting, because I cannot change my past. But, I am bringing this up because what has always intrigued me is this concept of "Love". Specifically in the New Testament's scriptures of "As I have loved you, so must you love one another", "God is Love", "Beloved". I know about the Greek definitions of Love: Agape, Eros and Philos. There are other forms of Love, from the Hindu, Tantra & Kama Sutra leading to Divine Love. And there are a few scientific studies attempting to understand the reason and concept about "Love".

Only a few animal species incorporate Love into their daily lives. Bonobos, Gorillas and Chimps. It is thought Dolphins and Orcas do too, but how, is unclear. How these animal species love has some investigations. Notice how the Large Apes even have that emotion. Separate one of these animals from their "clade" and it is possible the being will not survive without massive intervention.

But as humans, we need to feel love internally and externally. These days it appears more externally than internally. I know, because when I suffer from bipolar on the depression side, it is often when I love myself the least that I must feel love more externally. That external love for me looks differently depending on the circumstance. Externally, I get love from a large piece of chocolate cake. Externally, I can also get love from intimate expressions with my husband. Externally, I can get love when I whine and complain to my parents. But internally, I love myself more when I help others, when I provide service, when I breathe and dance. I love myself when I regain my emotional calmness. It is like when I swim along my back and hear the Sun on my face. Yes, I did write-HEAR the Sun's sounds... I don't know how I know, but I just do... Which confuses me as a scientist, because there is always a stimulus to an action based on the laws of thermodynamics.

When there human calimities: man fighting against man, war, poverty, illness, hatred, angers, frustrations, bigotry, racism, killing, genocide, all the vile evil things that man does to one another are hurled out into the Universe, the Universe will inevitably respond. Not out of revenge or Karma, but a matter of steady state rate kinetics. Equilibrium does not hold forever as a part of Thermodynamics. Rate order mandates how strong the substrate moves into the product--of course this is in a biological perspective. While current astronomy focuses only with physicist and mathematics, the Earth is filled with biological organisms that continually re-evolve into variegated species-based on Darwin's Origin of the Species. Unfortunately, I could not get a passing grade physics and mathematics in college and got better grades in my biology courses...

However, as a spiritual person, I know that humans are endowed with the inane ability to reach out emotionally. An emotionless person is not someone I want to meet. That person scares me. Something makes people feel and know. My mania religiosity would claim possession. My medicated balance would ask which neurotransmitters and areas in the brain that lights up when examined. My depressive drop would lament, "what's the point, nobody cares"... And the transcendent me asks, "Where is the love and how will the Universe respond".

Well, The Universe is in the process of its response to all this human frustration in the world. I think it does not pick a side, it affects all. Those opportunists will succeed, and those naysayers will become extinct. The Universe will respond because we humans are too wound up, stressed out, frustration, queuing up, lacking mindfulness, impatient, tearing down, alienating, angry, hateful, hurtful people! And asking oppressed people who hurt too much already to review the double-standard, introspection, rearing our children to be subjugated to authorities, lawlessness, yelling, screaming, crying, ad nauseum uncontrollable behavior causes violence. And some people take up residence in violence as a functionally biological emotional state that inherently cannot sustain life. Its a short lived life. And after I have published articles on the biology of aging, I have found that the deltaG = deltaH - T X deltaS and it must flow. Equilibrium will shift, dipole moment on small molecules will charge, is essentially what we humans do to evolve, to learn, both mentally and educationally. I should know, because of my bipolar, my education has been stifled. I can amass large swaths of information (education) like a computer, but when my processor (bipolar mental health) is ill, that information means nothing...

Now, I know that I am unable to process when I am stressed upon encountering and participating in violent behavior. Through mindfulness I can get back to that peaceful calm during a heated situation--often a harsh speech, tone, and yelling in my case. And when I am not in balance, it makes it very hard to regain the helio infrasonics in my mind.

I don't know how I can tell what will happen, but what is about to happen is a huge loss in the very near future, which will force our conversations to change based on what the Universe reflects back to us humans.

Let's put it like this, the bigotry we are seeing has peaked. It cannot get any worse. It will take someone to die for it to stop and change. The good thing is that person will NOT die because of violence of strife/hatred, this person will die due to poor health. It won't be expected because this person will speak to key leaders in a peaceful calm logical loving demeanor and this person will say, "So you must Love one another - We humans can do better".

After the mourning, we humans will advance closer to this new Age of where The Universe wants us to be. Yes, all your faith traditions are involved in this decision. Yes, all your belief systems are involved in this decision. Yes, all STEMI advancements are involved in this decision. What this is about is Humanity's embracement into the rest of The Universe to travel to other dimensions, spaces, rare earths, with curiosity, inquisitiveness and wonderment.

Monday, July 20, 2009

What sets off the drop?

What sets off the drop? The spiral downturn to depression? The time from gleefully dancing to wailing in the corner? Mistakes? What?

About me: I am in recovery from bipolar disorder II (hypomania) or what used to be called manic-depressive disorder. That means, my manic episodes are not that high. I get a lot accomplished. I possibly finished my doctorate in molecular genetics, started my business, my marriage, my relocations due to my manic phase. People who have bipolar disorder I, some have their manic phases as psychotic, i.e. I can fly off that building... Whereas, my manic phase is irrationally starting things, and people that know me say I cannot finish them. Now there is some symptoms all manias of bipolar share: spending money like you have some and you don't...

Then there is my depression. My depression gets low. So low that I can easily spiral down to the conclusion of suicide. NO I AM NOT SUICIDAL ON THIS DATE NOW!!! Besides, I have a strong body agreement that if I get immobilized, I call, whoever I need to call to get help. That is my emergency action promise I made to myself. But for someone who has not been fighting this battle as long as I have, it takes a very long time to come to that rationalization. I will tell folks reading this later how I made the agreement.

This blog is about spirally down to depression, though and what I am attempting to convey is right now, I am have already spiraled down to a depression. Honestly, I may have been going down at least 1.5 weeks prior. After, July 4th I was riding high from my day trip staycation to the San Juan Islands--Friday Harbor, Washington. An extraordinary trip! My husband was rather cranky and we had tiffs. But, I made an edict and said I was going regardless of if he wanted too. Having to deal with his funky behavior for reasons I cannot get into right now, hurts my mental health function. I don't need a disparate behavior when having to deal with mine. But, c'est la vie. My mood took me for a down turn 1 week afterward, unfortunately during the same time of my ovulation menstrual cycle--yes, this has been checked by my HMO doctors. Yes, I have tracked it. Yes, the scoping showed nothing. Yes, the blood work showed nothing. So, my feeling of out of sorts-ness is all in my mind. So yes, what relief I get from the psychotropic medications helps with limiting the mania. Not so much with the drop. The drops occur, but right up into the point of hopelessness/helplessness.

I have had to end relationships with people because of the drop. It works better for me. I don't need to be interacting with people when I am all teary and sordid. What for? I get no where. It pisses people off who I am close to and it makes me look weak. But it also looks like a "tree in the forest and no one's around"-thing.

Today, I got an angry phone call to a close business confidante. I made an email faux pas-I emailed this person's list. Thinking back on it, I was riding high along my wave of mania. Of course, this person ought not to have to determine my cyclic bouts with bipolar. So, to spare this person, I have to pull away until my mood re-stabilizes.

And so, this is the delicate balance I must battle daily. I never know what mood will present itself. Will it present itself stable, where I can focus and put effort into it or will it present itself unstable where I fly off the handle or spiral down. Moreover, I am 40ish--meaning have I hit menopause? Another tortured existence I put myself into for another blog, because I don't have children.

So, I guess the "straw the broke the camel's back" was this angry call--and the sad part is I set myself up for that. Why didn't I think? What was it missing? Why did I disrespect the integrity of the group I was emailing. The flipside, so what? Who cares? Did I get my info I intended out? How come I have such a personal attachment? Is this a business decision or personal decision?

All these thoughts race through my head and what happens is I rapidly come to this irrational and unmerited conclusion that I am worthless... And for 24 hours, I will feel this way, because tomorrow, I will be stable. How do I know? Been there, done that and got a T-shirt. That is how my transcriptome works in my neurons responsive for my mood. LOL!

Blogging sometimes helps.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Unemployment at the Job Fair

So here's the deal. I am an entrepreneur now. After leaving a bullishtassed job saying some bigoted stuff and then getting laid off from another job, I said I needed to be my own boss. Never thought the economy would tank and people would hold onto their money, tightly. Moreover, there is a lot of people who want something for nothing and how am I suppose to make a living, just paying simple bills, ie the light bill?

Anyhow, to get my little measly unemployment check that I need to be grateful for, I have to apply for a minimum of 3 positions per week. At anytime the unemployment Mommies can audit my reports and ask for the money back that I get in my check. Well, that would be great if there were plenty of jobs and people would be hiring, but another thing about why I HATE SEATTLE, is there are NOT any jobs and people are ONLY hiring who they know--so you need to NETWORK and NO ONE has an inside track these days. Which is nuts when you don't live on the inside. It's like an "inside joke".

So, I go to the "BioSpace Careers" job fair that is in cahoots--I mean cooperation with the University of Washington and it is downtown Seattle. I live on the Eastside. Everybody from Seattle knows what it is like to get from the Eastside of Seattle to the downtown. It is HAYLE! No wonder people are stressed here! So, I decided to take the bus. Now I do have to admit, that is the ONE thing I enjoy about the Greater Seattle Area--the bus service. Metro and Sound Transit are stellar compared to other cities. Many people take the bus and people are quite joyous in bus taking here. So, I took it to decrease stress while driving--mainly because I am very accident prone--and I did not need to go into the place with an all out attitdude due to poor parking. And I wanted to live my green life! (Another think I enjoy about the Greater Seattle Area--LOL!)

It was on Thursday, July 16, 2009 ~3:30 PM PDT that I arrived. There was a long line outside. Good thing it was a nice day. "No worries". There was a lack of identifying signs or nomeclature for the event, which took place at the Terry St. Naval Building. Then through a prying conversation, there were only 5 recruiting companies! WTH? All this way for only 5 companies? So, I knew to think of this event as a "marketing and advertising" event to discuss my business--It's a business opportunity! YEAH! But what about all the other people who really thought they'd find a job? That's the general sour mentality Seattle has--the "I got mine, you need to get yours". Well, it ain't all that to begin with. Up your game!

I could see if I was a contestant on American Idol about to win a major musical contract, but for less than $40K, really? Is standing in line for 5 recruiters all that? What perks do I get? None--just maybe Sundays off? LOL! If that? WTH? That is NOT what I am in the business for. I could see if I was in the laboratory business, but they need to do more team building exercises so that they don't get as much turnover that hurts the science. Their bottom line is being affected just because they treat workers like slave labor and that is why they outsource these jobs, because the workers don't mind... Now tell me, how is science getting done? When's the last time an illness been cured? And Swine Flu is picking up? Trust no one these days.

Many of the men were wearing professional clothing, like dress shirts, slacks and ties. Whereas, the women were in slacks, like casual Fridays. Very few women were in professional dresses/skirts/suits. I wore a dress.

The obtuse sign said "Biospace Career Fairs: Where Life Meets Science" This is NOT the life. They must be joking, seriously? Then, I saw it, FINALLY some diversity! More than 2 Black women! That is a large number for Seattle!

Back to the recruiters, apparently, there was a social and the description of the social was poor per the arrangement by Washington Biotechnology Business Association (WBBA) The social was to be "Hawaiian Luau" where everyone wears a Hawaiian themed clothing. For the men, Hawaiian T-shirts, for the women, whatever. So the women recruiters wore flip flops. Well, how are you going to have a job fair, where others are dressing professionally thinking they are going to get jobs, in this economy and start partying laisez-faire, lackadasical attitude, in a hothouse of the Naval Center? That is just insult to injury?

Then I recognized 1-2 people searching for jobs. Found out 1 has a job and is getting laid off. Another one, is lost in the rapture and shock that "hmmmm, having a PhD is worthless in Seattle, dayum why didn't I get a clinical degree?" Mind you NO other city in the US except loser cities treats their PhD's this way. We, PhD's decided NOT to be clinicians because we love science so much!

The other thing while standing in line, I asked a young lady about the line and she was unsure what the line was for? Peeking inside, found a lot of lookie-loos. Not a busy space for something well-attended. People really want JOBS!

Little direction as to the next steps. You wait in the long line for 1-2 recruiters without reason why? These are NOT the hiring scientists! These are HR people who know very little about science, and based on the poor perceptions of scientists of people to fill the position, it is just a screen. There was an unknown reason why there were long lines? Maybe because these people thought "D" and "G" had jobs? But they only listed 1-2 positions? 100-200 people for 1-2 positions? That bull! Made me wonder if there were really ANY jobs available?

If you knew anybody, okay. Remember a younger member of my sorority who is in her 3rd year as a graduate student.

So, I decided to stand in the "resume reviewers" line, just to see what it is was like. There were 6 reviewers for 200 people. Now that's interesting... LOL! Stood behind a person who was behind me in the OUTDOOR line and she ventured to ask me a question. I chuckled because this started getting amusing as how people run their businesses.

I could see the downstairs that looked like a basketball court, decorated looking like a senior prom. Juvenile! While I watched nervous twitches before speaking to recuriters, I still smelled the competitve air of superiority of people's one-upmanship over another. Why? No one was getting jobs here? Jobs are made by networking or strong statements... Everyone is in the same boat, a collaboration is the order of business in today's business climate.

I met "Dee" who worked HR and checked people into the resume reviewer clinic. She was very nice, so I respond well to when people are are civil. Then I met the resume reviewer, "Kay"-I presented her 3 forms of my resume. She stated that my resumes' are too academic still. HUH? Interestingly, she said it in a nice way that I listened to her. She said my resume needs to be more about a business marketing proposal. My professional snapshot needs to focus on business, remind acadmic expertise and know what I bring to the table. She said to list the number of years of the various topics of research I studied. How my passion needs to be presented well from the old academic track. Then for the 2008-2009 year I highlight back to how I am doing in my business development. Sell my business idea not my trade (research scientist). Well, afterward, I was very appreciative, but when I got home, I was like WTH? And now as I ponder it, from all my recent trainings I have had, I can give it a try and see how far I get.

Well, I attended the social and started sharing my business concept. I did not speak to any influentual people who can make a difference, but the goal of my networking is to practice, practice, practice! I might attend this function for Executive Non-Profits by JP Morgan Stanley in September. We shall see.

Then, I skipped off home, thinking I accomplished something! Still no job and my unemployment resources dwindling. Either I pray to God something happens or I practice my Buddhism that I can create opportunity or try to do both. Don't know how that works. But, something is going to change--it's either going to get worse or it's going to get better. Let's hope the latter because my mental health cannot take anymore hits.

The Ariafya Universe

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I HATE SEATTLE--written July, 2009 BEFORE MJ's Death #mentalhealth #seattle

IMHO, Seattle SUCKS IN EVERY ASPECT--especially for a Black Woman like me! Now I am sure there are a few Black Women who absolutely love this place. But I come from SoCal, and attended Spelman College in Atlanta, Georgia, and recently lived in Dallas, Texas. I have NEVER been made out to be some "ghetto mama with 10 kids" who will NEVER amount to nothing until I moved to Seattle, Washington! How can people be so offensively presumptuous?

My grandfather was the President of Bethune-Cookman University! I was reared in the Civil Rights royalty. When I was 10/11 years old, I formally campaigned for Mayor Tom Bradley.

Because I lived in SoCal growing up, I thought I wanted to be an actress. Of the many performers I have met, one of the most influential was Ms. Ja'net DuBois (Willona on Good Times) who talked to me about acting and what it seriously involved. I was grateful to her because she taught me to never compromise my values to be myself. I had a chance to take voice lessons, but I since I did not understand the nature of the business and I had little support for it, I chose not to actively pursue it. I am rather glad I did not with all the deaths of celebrities these days.

I have met other famous politicians, such as Governor Pete Wilson, Mayor Maynard Jackon and Mayor Andrew Young. I have met numerous CEO of Fortune 500 Companies. And I have met many more celebrities in entertainment. And this is while I lived in SoCal and Atlanta. My life has been circuitous at best. It would be very easy to have bravado with all the acquaintances I have made over time, but I like to think I am still very down to Earth and I humble myself because I am in recovery from bipolar!

As someone who is in recovery from bipolar, I started having problems as a teenager. I started having suicidal thoughts at 14 years old when I lost my last "yelling contest" with my mother--who was just trying to love me in her special way. In the mid-1980's the crisis hotline did not think that teens could be bipolar so they told me that I sounded younger than my own age, so I hung up.

Through the years of seeking recovery by diet, exercise, nutrition, mediation, etc., I finally got a bipolar diagnosis in 2000 and found some relief. I say some relief, because in 2002, because I found myself waking up from my workplace's floor after allegely having a seizure in Dallas, Texas. It was thought what could have caused my seizure was one of the unmonitored psychotropic drugs I was taking for my bipolar. Taking psychotropic medications ALONE DO NOT WORK! There must be a talk-therapy used in combination with the drugs by a professionally licensed person.

Still, even with my mental health condition, I have a Bachelor's of Science in Biology, a Master's of Science in Molecular Biology and a Doctorate in Molecular Genetics. One would think that living the mental illness the way I have lived, I should be a complete loser who abuses drugs and is homeless. But, somehow I seem to make a way out of no way--by the grace of God.

I move up to Seattle, Washington to marry my husband, sometimes can be quite selfish for the years we have been married. There are many days that he fails to recognize the mental health tribulations I suffer to garner the gumption just to run simple ERRANDS!!!

For example: I go grocery store and check out stand asks for my food vouchers and WIC! I DON'T HAVE CHILDREN!!! I'VE NEVER BEEN PREGNANT AND I AM 40-something YEARS OLD!!!

In my community, I go to the beauty salon for services, and request a "touch up" and they say they have to find a "relaxing specialist"... So now there is no way to maintain my grooming habits.

For my career in 2007, I have had to leave a career it because my bottom-dweller of a professor at the Universe of Washington bluntly said, "the only reason what Dr. G is here is because she's Black, and the only way she got her PhD was through affirmative action"...

Well, the last time that this statement was said to me was before I got my PhD and I worked my ass off an extra 3 years to "prove" I was good enough for my doctorate program. After I got my PhD, I said to myself that I would NEVER go where I was not wanted or felt a strong passion. And if that lunacy happened to me again, I said I was going to leave that position... Because I could not tolerate the workplace violence, the mobbing and harassment, I have had to pay a hefty price in choosing to live in Seattle, Washington.

I have lost EVERYTHING I value and now on the eve of finally re-inventing myself into a new worldview, I am completely out of money. Realistically, no one cares about my laments and I do not know why someone of my stature incurs this kind of wrath from the world?

In Seattle, I see superfluous little white girls whine and complain about their improper treatment and they get all assistance they need, with coats laid down over mud puddles. Since, I refuse to do that and find a way to empower myself, I cannot do it because is subjugates my values. And even if I did, what would I get in return?

Across the country, many Black men treat Black women like a joke (I apologize the men who do not do that. The Black men born in Washington State are the most culpable, based on the laments I hear by many Black women who relocate to Seattle.

Here is my list of reasons why I HATE SEATTLE:

  • I HATE SEATTLE because of the Seattle Freeze! The Freeze like the cold constant alienating rain here, except the Seattle Freeze is a statement of the Seattlites' personalities--they are very polite, but NOT friendly. I have yet to be invited by my contemporaries to any event. I have held several events on a string budget, but in return I barely get invited in reciprocation and it is less than 1 event per year to anyone's party. And the sad part is Freezing people out is not conducive or collaborative for business networking. People fail to talk communicate! During these hard economic times, talking, networking, and meeting people is what business is all about. The greater Seattle area's economy misses out on some potentially great business opportunities when they alienate, pidgeonhole and stereotype people.

  • I HATE SEATTLE because the kneegrows here are 20 years behind on civil rights compared to the rest of the country, and then have the nerve to have a "crabs in a barrel" mentality!!! How can anyone be so arrogant and destructive when s/he have failed to win awards/grants/projects? The concept is beyond me. With all the business assets that the greater Seattle area has and the United States' demarcation in 2010 BC Winter Olympics, business is being lost due to kneegrows' stank behavior toward one another. This is not one of those reality television shows.

  • I HATE SEATTLE because I attended this "job fair" that had only 5 major biotech businesses and they HR people said that none of the attendees will be hired at this function... While these people are not scientists, it says that their actual hiring process is an abysmal failure and a waste of time. To be fair, there were two people who were helpful at the event, but that was only for a resume review. I had 3 formats of my resume, and was told that my resume is too academic and I had no "work experience", so that is why I would not be able to get a scientist position... I was told my experience was too varied. What does that say about support? I was told that businesses did not like to hire me due to my being an entrepreneur (i.e. Sistah Mental Health and Wellness). And I wonder why most of my clients do NOT live in Seattle--what is the point in marketing to anyone here with that kind of mentality?

  • I HATE SEATTLE but, I do not have the money to leave. This is my "lot in life". Sadly, I chose it. Best I can do is whine and complain on my blogs. I do not know how far it will get me...

Do I want to change to like Seattle more? Yes! I do get some assistance for my problems and I am gaining new experiences, such as mindfulness meditation from a health/wellness organization and Karate-do from a master Sensei. I have met some interesting people but those are infrequent encounters. I tried going to Church, but became disenfranchised by the hypocritical double-speaking congregations. Being an Obama supporter, I made some things happen in healthcare reform. I have done plenty of volunteer work with the Puget Sound Susan G. Komen for the Cure race and my Sorority. When I did work for the University of Washington, I dedicated much of my time to community service due to workplace balance and life satisfaction. But the UW PUNISHED ME for serving the community...

Currently, I volunteer hoping that I gain new skills at Evergreen Hospice in Grief/Bereavement telephone follow up calls and Group Health Cooperative workshop facilitation for the "Living Well with Chronic Disease" courses. Alas, serving the community has not propelled me into a paying type of livelihood.

Right now, I am barely scraping by, lost in the wilderness of the South North Pole--also known as the greater Seattle area.

I feel my life sucks...

Dr. Gina M.-S.
Written in July 18, 2009

Postscript: There have been some changes. I have found a business group called Biznik and they are actively doing the kinds of networking events.

I have made a few more friends, just not in "high places" by people who can make hiring or monetary decisions, but that is an issue of the target market.

I have started on my business plans for 2010--after I pay my business taxes and have extended my reach to a wider audience.

I still do not have a boss who pays me, I do not do bench science anymore, but my writing has somewhat improved since I wrote this piece. :)