Monday, July 20, 2009

What sets off the drop?

What sets off the drop? The spiral downturn to depression? The time from gleefully dancing to wailing in the corner? Mistakes? What?

About me: I am in recovery from bipolar disorder II (hypomania) or what used to be called manic-depressive disorder. That means, my manic episodes are not that high. I get a lot accomplished. I possibly finished my doctorate in molecular genetics, started my business, my marriage, my relocations due to my manic phase. People who have bipolar disorder I, some have their manic phases as psychotic, i.e. I can fly off that building... Whereas, my manic phase is irrationally starting things, and people that know me say I cannot finish them. Now there is some symptoms all manias of bipolar share: spending money like you have some and you don't...

Then there is my depression. My depression gets low. So low that I can easily spiral down to the conclusion of suicide. NO I AM NOT SUICIDAL ON THIS DATE NOW!!! Besides, I have a strong body agreement that if I get immobilized, I call, whoever I need to call to get help. That is my emergency action promise I made to myself. But for someone who has not been fighting this battle as long as I have, it takes a very long time to come to that rationalization. I will tell folks reading this later how I made the agreement.

This blog is about spirally down to depression, though and what I am attempting to convey is right now, I am have already spiraled down to a depression. Honestly, I may have been going down at least 1.5 weeks prior. After, July 4th I was riding high from my day trip staycation to the San Juan Islands--Friday Harbor, Washington. An extraordinary trip! My husband was rather cranky and we had tiffs. But, I made an edict and said I was going regardless of if he wanted too. Having to deal with his funky behavior for reasons I cannot get into right now, hurts my mental health function. I don't need a disparate behavior when having to deal with mine. But, c'est la vie. My mood took me for a down turn 1 week afterward, unfortunately during the same time of my ovulation menstrual cycle--yes, this has been checked by my HMO doctors. Yes, I have tracked it. Yes, the scoping showed nothing. Yes, the blood work showed nothing. So, my feeling of out of sorts-ness is all in my mind. So yes, what relief I get from the psychotropic medications helps with limiting the mania. Not so much with the drop. The drops occur, but right up into the point of hopelessness/helplessness.

I have had to end relationships with people because of the drop. It works better for me. I don't need to be interacting with people when I am all teary and sordid. What for? I get no where. It pisses people off who I am close to and it makes me look weak. But it also looks like a "tree in the forest and no one's around"-thing.

Today, I got an angry phone call to a close business confidante. I made an email faux pas-I emailed this person's list. Thinking back on it, I was riding high along my wave of mania. Of course, this person ought not to have to determine my cyclic bouts with bipolar. So, to spare this person, I have to pull away until my mood re-stabilizes.

And so, this is the delicate balance I must battle daily. I never know what mood will present itself. Will it present itself stable, where I can focus and put effort into it or will it present itself unstable where I fly off the handle or spiral down. Moreover, I am 40ish--meaning have I hit menopause? Another tortured existence I put myself into for another blog, because I don't have children.

So, I guess the "straw the broke the camel's back" was this angry call--and the sad part is I set myself up for that. Why didn't I think? What was it missing? Why did I disrespect the integrity of the group I was emailing. The flipside, so what? Who cares? Did I get my info I intended out? How come I have such a personal attachment? Is this a business decision or personal decision?

All these thoughts race through my head and what happens is I rapidly come to this irrational and unmerited conclusion that I am worthless... And for 24 hours, I will feel this way, because tomorrow, I will be stable. How do I know? Been there, done that and got a T-shirt. That is how my transcriptome works in my neurons responsive for my mood. LOL!

Blogging sometimes helps.