Monday, February 27, 2012
No. I know I'm not the only one who has this issue.
It feels like I am a young teen again! Messing up clothes, spray and wash is my friend. Changing out the superovernightjumbowithsuperwings pad. That still does not seem to stop the ruined underwear and clothes. Granny panties aren't covering it.
Well, when it is chunky goo that's more than 5 grams, that is when the physicians must be called.
Does this drive me nuts? YES IT DOES! MY MENTAL HEALTH IS AFFECTED DIRECTLY!!!
I ought to request to rip the entire female organ out and grow a beard! And I hate body hair on places that it is not suppose to be--like my face.
Aging is not the sad part. What is sad is the pain and mental exhaustion. I hate it!
If getting old is all about pain, then what is life? How does one get through it?
Power of positive thinking?
I talk to my elders a lot. I would not be able to live without them. Sad part is they die, it is a part of life. I get that. But it is not like it hurts less knowing that you just cannot call them up whenever you want and talk to them.
But this bodily function issue, is not fun to have at all. All my orifices are clogged and when they release, I am a spring totally pooped out unable to function.
There are other stressors, like being unemployed--or rather I work on my business I have sunk too much money into for nothing to come to fruition. Yes, it is my fault. But I have also learn a lot of things and having fun.
I have learned that many people are a lot worse off than I am and they talk about it on social media these days. While some need validation, I am amazed at the number of kids that are a lot worse off than I am. Whether or not it is exaggeration, kids having these problems? Okay.
Going and getting a job, many people suck it up and work labor that is way outside their field. Well, I am working my own business way outside my field and I feel I ought to get paid from companies who have yet to manage their social media content, then make it entertaining. Which is rather difficult to do, btw, but I am able to do it with the studies I have completed.
Sure I have been dismissed and diminished of my work. But in my old life as a scientist, they did that to me everyday. I was pushed out of my field. So, I said, that is not where I was suppose to be. Great thing about the United States is one can change their field to pursue other opportunities. I did that. I am I successful? I have no money, but the experience makes me feel like the 1%.
I will never have anyone berate me due to the color of my skin to diminish me, as what was done to me in science.
In this new field, social media and creativity, I am open and free to set standards for dynamic opportunity. Best social experiment allowable.
What does this have to do with my menstruation and mental health? I do my best thinking when I suffer immense pain due to my period. Go figure? Oh and I should buy some stock in "Always".
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
But this opinion stems from a discussion I was having with a bunch of "kids" on Evolution vs Creation. Don't ask! But what is apparent from my opinion is that science in American schools is ABSENT! These young people have NO CLUE how we as human beings got to where we are scientifically. Like how were "antibiotics" discovered? How was DNA discovered or the structure of DNA solved? Why are their atoms with electrons, protons and neutrons? What are photons? BASIC stuff and they feel that there was some deity or spiritual essence that "created" these things which is repeatedly been shown there has not been.
This blog is not a diatribe of how poor our science is in America, because I know, I use to do research in it. What this blog discusses is the mental turmoil I have suffered for being a Black Woman Scientist midst the racist bigotry in science perpetuated by myths that scientist have! YES! I said it. And what kept me going to get my Ph.D. was my church and my belief that God wanted me there.
But make no mistake, science and God are not intertwined in my doing science and practicing my faith. One is not the other. Moreover, I am not sneaking off doing science then turn around proselytizing to the sheep here. Science is distinct test of reality-based facts that can be repeated in anyone's hands. Faith is personal and one must have that relationship within themselves to move forward. If it is called a God, there are paradigms set to practice it. But, faith is more self-centered than that. Of course, in my opinion...
When I did go to bed, today, I slept peacefully for about a hour. Then suddenly, I had a "night terror"! I saw tentacles with clawed mouths coming at me ready to eat me up and I screamed! I screamed in real-life, waking my husband up and tried to calm me down. I was kicking... But, I knew why I had a night terror, earlier I had imbibed in a bit of $2 buck Chuck Zinfindel and did not drink all of it. Roughly, a hour later, I took my anti-depressants. One of the side effects of these meds is consuming alcohol can cause night terrors. But I had been pretty good about that. This time, I was not. When I stopped dreaming, and woke up, I my freak out emotions stopped and I heard my husband's voice who was calm and held me close to him. I had to apologize, because he needs his rest and I went to bed at...we won't discuss that issue.
At any rate, opinions...I am of the opinion that I am right where I need to be. I think we have dreams for a reason. Some insecurities we carry to rationalize what we are going through at any given time. Some of our insecurities come to light only in the subconsciousness. One of my insecurities is being unemployed and seriously considering going back to a day job work. Going back to research, being demeaned, daily, my abilities derided constantly in a harsh unsupportive environment, which cuts years off my life due to the stress. Hair falling out, my husband and I arguing about why the cap was not put on or the covers on the the bed did not lay down properly. WHO CARES? I am not a good person to be with when I am at the University of Washington in Seattle, Washington.
Support? In this place? Aside from the few friends I do have, the kind of support I do not get and care and love and friendships if I were elsewhere, at least have some environmental satisfaction...The weather too cold for that. I need to live in Hawaii where poverty reigns and there is Island Fever. Too scared to live in Southern California again, but...alas, that is life.
What I am doing with my life, in business, without making any money and help comes from people I have never met in real life, makes me happy! Like I said, the little rational voice speaks and says, "You have no more money. It will not pan out." It would be one thing is I was not asking for help, but I am. When help arrives, is when I am successful. By then, I do not need help and the sad part is seeing people as jumping on the bandwagon wanting to be in the game and take from me.
Perhaps this night terror was subconsciously telling me two things: My insecurities and uncertainty about my future and being squeezed back into the monster of scientific research; and the monsters that want to steal my hard work I have created and take it as their own when that is not true.
Those are my fears.
My opinion is I am not going to work for the University of Washington in Seattle, Washington every again unless they pay me 6 figures - I am worth more than that! And it is a one time deal to recoup the years of life I lost.
My opinion is if I can think of a way to use those who jump on the bandwagon at the last minute, they will have a job, that can be fulfilled in little time and they take what they can from it - of course with liability issues intact. Either way, leaders will make that happen.
Well, I got that outta my system. C'est la vie! Back to work!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
All my roleplaying stories performed and characters creates are exactly what Ms. Viola Davis describes in her interview on ABC's Nightline airing February 8, 2012.
When I started with my first two characters it was a feeble, inexperienced attempt of creating content specific for women of color, specifically those of African descent on large format social media, such as Twitter and Facebook. Then I was mercilessly cyberbullied and attacked for whatever reason for holding like of not be subjugated by males, young males who had never seen strong black female characters.
I have written many blogs about my trials. Because the black women I see in real life are not what I see on television. What does that say about our little girls and their aspirations?
Then I see this Essence article from the actor Brian White that says that the stereotype is true about angry Black Women who are loud and obnoxious publicly.
So much for equity in Hollywood and Black Actresses.
I am hurt that Viola Davis has to be recognized for an antiquated maid in Jim Crow racist South times. But I am proud of her adding her acting skills to make her character believable and connected with the audience. Will her accomplishment prove beneficial for saying no "Sophie's Choice" -available scripts for Black Actresses change Hollywood? I doubt it...because a lot of people would have to die.
My mother character has some bad thing happen to her in a Galaxy Far, Far Away. What happens with a padawan is violated on trip home by a twisted individual. Her name is Auset Lah.
My Senator-daughter character is biracial straddling a world between having the Force and being absent in the Force. Hiding that fact to her current galaxy. Her name is Senator Yemaja Lah.
And I have gone over that in many blogs. We shall see.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
It is a sad day for fans of "Soul Train". I grew up watching the show and all the parties I attended had "Soul Train" lines. And we watched styles, music and sounds change before our eyes as "Soul Train" was a mainstay of culture for Black Entertainers. Then one day, Don Cornelius got old. Eventually we probably cast him aside onto the next thing. That with the diversity of music in our taste and what we liked to dance to, changed, markedly.
No one commits suicide randomly. There is always a reason and just like a heart attack or cancer, suicide ideation is for similar reasons. The sad part is at 75 years of age, he did not know who he could talk to, clinically, without judgment of his past accomplishments? He had no one who could help him professionally?
I HATE THE STIGMA OF MENTAL ILLNESS!!! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!
Regardless of how he lived his life, regardless of all the accomplishments and regardless of his relationships with loved ones, obviously, these meant nothing to him, and enough for him to commit suicide.
I am not judging here, because I have been there. I can see all I have and wanting to die by my own hand because it was meaningless. Then I get my meds checked and speak to my providers and get a time out and see write in this blog.
But for Don Cornelius at 75 years old to not have any knowledge to seek any professional care provider and decide it is better to die by his own hand...
That is the stigma of mental illness and it is killing us - especially people of color.