Wednesday, February 15, 2012

EPISODE ALERT: Too much talking. Too many opinions

I woke up this morning having an opinion about the meaning of life. This personal opinion is fine to have once in awhile, but I obsess over having mine and forcing others to agree with it, which is not honoring people. It is on the "to do" list of my foibles.

But this opinion stems from a discussion I was having with a bunch of "kids" on Evolution vs Creation. Don't ask! But what is apparent from my opinion is that science in American schools is ABSENT! These young people have NO CLUE how we as human beings got to where we are scientifically. Like how were "antibiotics" discovered? How was DNA discovered or the structure of DNA solved? Why are their atoms with electrons, protons and neutrons? What are photons? BASIC stuff and they feel that there was some deity or spiritual essence that "created" these things which is repeatedly been shown there has not been.

This blog is not a diatribe of how poor our science is in America, because I know, I use to do research in it. What this blog discusses is the mental turmoil I have suffered for being a Black Woman Scientist midst the racist bigotry in science perpetuated by myths that scientist have! YES! I said it. And what kept me going to get my Ph.D. was my church and my belief that God wanted me there.

But make no mistake, science and God are not intertwined in my doing science and practicing my faith. One is not the other. Moreover, I am not sneaking off doing science then turn around proselytizing to the sheep here. Science is distinct test of reality-based facts that can be repeated in anyone's hands. Faith is personal and one must have that relationship within themselves to move forward. If it is called a God, there are paradigms set to practice it. But, faith is more self-centered than that. Of course, in my opinion...


When I did go to bed, today, I slept peacefully for about a hour. Then suddenly, I had a "night terror"! I saw tentacles with clawed mouths coming at me ready to eat me up and I screamed! I screamed in real-life, waking my husband up and tried to calm me down. I was kicking... But, I knew why I had a night terror, earlier I had imbibed in a bit of $2 buck Chuck Zinfindel and did not drink all of it. Roughly, a hour later, I took my anti-depressants. One of the side effects of these meds is consuming alcohol can cause night terrors. But I had been pretty good about that. This time, I was not. When I stopped dreaming, and woke up, I my freak out emotions stopped and I heard my husband's voice who was calm and held me close to him. I had to apologize, because he needs his rest and I went to bed at...we won't discuss that issue.

At any rate, opinions...I am of the opinion that I am right where I need to be. I think we have dreams for a reason. Some insecurities we carry to rationalize what we are going through at any given time. Some of our insecurities come to light only in the subconsciousness. One of my insecurities is being unemployed and seriously considering going back to a day job work. Going back to research, being demeaned, daily, my abilities derided constantly in a harsh unsupportive environment, which cuts years off my life due to the stress. Hair falling out, my husband and I arguing about why the cap was not put on or the covers on the the bed did not lay down properly. WHO CARES? I am not a good person to be with when I am at the University of Washington in Seattle, Washington.

Support? In this place? Aside from the few friends I do have, the kind of support I do not get and care and love and friendships if I were elsewhere, at least have some environmental satisfaction...The weather too cold for that. I need to live in Hawaii where poverty reigns and there is Island Fever. Too scared to live in Southern California again, but...alas, that is life.

What I am doing with my life, in business, without making any money and help comes from people I have never met in real life, makes me happy! Like I said, the little rational voice speaks and says, "You have no more money. It will not pan out." It would be one thing is I was not asking for help, but I am. When help arrives, is when I am successful. By then, I do not need help and the sad part is seeing people as jumping on the bandwagon wanting to be in the game and take from me.

Perhaps this night terror was subconsciously telling me two things: My insecurities and uncertainty about my future and being squeezed back into the monster of scientific research; and the monsters that want to steal my hard work I have created and take it as their own when that is not true.

Those are my fears.

My opinion is I am not going to work for the University of Washington in Seattle, Washington every again unless they pay me 6 figures - I am worth more than that! And it is a one time deal to recoup the years of life I lost.

My opinion is if I can think of a way to use those who jump on the bandwagon at the last minute, they will have a job, that can be fulfilled in little time and they take what they can from it - of course with liability issues intact. Either way, leaders will make that happen.

Well, I got that outta my system. C'est la vie! Back to work!