Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The strength of "Precious Jones"

I just saw "Precious"

This movie is good, but it is ugly in human emotions and everyone in the movie are ugly people except for the children. The adults in this movie are ugly, the words are ugly, the images are disturbing. And no one wanted to take the blame for what was done to Clarice Precious Jones. No one wanted to step up and help this young lady to be better until a Teacher, who happened to be a "lesbian" (OMG! LOL!) took an interest in helping her. And a Nurse who was attempting to teach her something about a healthier lifestyle.

If Mo'Nique doesn't get a nomination for her ugly person role, my GAWD...


The thing that bothered me about this picture is when an entire system that thinks people are disposable and can be cast aside. They cannot help this young lady be more that what they think she ought to be... This denigration of women, this misogyny must stop! MUST STOP! The man who sexually abused precious was her father who only had pictures in the house. He was never there. Then it was told he died of HIV/AIDS! By the time Precious was told by her mother, she stopped caring.

Precious' voice came through education in the simplest form - writing in a Journal, that her teacher would read and reply. Then, she was able to read at the 7-8th grade level within weeks of moving forward. Her mother and grandmother were foul people. Same is as the welfare agency that was trying to force people into skills that moves nowhere--kind of like what "they" are trying to do to me, but I have a ton of education and I come from a loving family.

What damage one does when constant nitpicking, antagonistic, or harping. I remember growing up a girl told me that I aggravated her. I know that sometimes I can be annoying, but what does that do to people? Human beings often take one another for granted. Life is so short, every life is precious and we have NO RIGHT to denigrate it. Do we make the Kreb's Cycle continue in the inner mitochondrial space? Or Oxidative Phosphorylation, Electron Transport or Succinate Dehydrongenase? Do we power our hearts through the AV node? No one else does that, but the individual person after being born.

People are so concerned for life before birth, but discard lives already here. WHY?

So the next time anyone antagonizes me or nitpicks me, the person will have a lesson of mindful silence, a "talking fast" done on them. My silence does not condone the behavior, what it means, is I will unfurl and unless a fury that I will go to the Dark Side.

Ugly people...

Friday, November 13, 2009

When times are hardest for a #bipolar #BlackWoman #WOC

Last night, I should have been thrilled to pick up my husband from the airport, but after him being gone on a business trip for a week and having the bed to myself, I started to fear going back to my "wifely duties" role.

It is hard for me to get go! When my husband left, I didn't eat for 2 days--in fact I starved. This was this past week!!! Then I got a hold of myself, and slowly got use to sleeping alone, eating for a few times per day, and I enjoyed picking of loose pieces of life once remembered. Just when I got comfortable, my husband came home.

As usual, his teen like commentary on every step I make is one of my pet peeves. So, I lost it on him today. My bipolar was acting up heavily today. In a tirade of tears, I explained to my husband how I don't trust me with handling household expenses. To say the least he slowly began to understand. And then he asked me to focus. Part of the chronic illness of bipolar--I am on a depressive side, which means I am unable to fully concentrate. I would have to develop many stopgap measures and implement action plans that I have a 7 or higher confidence in working. Right now all my confidences are lower than 6.

I no longer fee attractive when I am around my husband. I feel unimportant, not special and we both feel unappreciated by one another. He has all his work, and I am trying to make something from nothing.

While I dislike complaining, but I complain all the time. Well enough of this complaining! Fact is I don't know how my business will make money and I care, but not as much I enjoy doing what I am doing for my business. I have this strong feeling it will pick up and when it does, I will be in my sweet spot!

I keep this blog because it will be first parts of my written word. In my written word, I get tired of it being a textbook. Especially, exhausted seeing "practical wisdom" on positive talk about mental health, as it relates to bipolar. Then it misses day to day self-management. That is what I do! I help others increase their potential. Find the very best in themselves. Since my last client pretty much completed their time with me, I lack clients as for now. Soon, I will be over-wrought with clients and I will complain again about being too overworked. LOL!

I guess I need to find that balance.

I coach at GYMRight.com To find out more, start your PQ Interest Questionnaire

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The "What Ifs" & #whatwoulditbelike?

I have been accursed with the disease of "What ifs" that I manage in my mental health condition. People say, do not dwell on the "what ifs" because relishing in the past of lost dreams is no more than a "glass menagerie". You can be trapped in a life, dulling the tastes, boring the colors that life gifts to you.

But nonetheless, we humans do it. Once in awhile, it can be briefly reviewed versus dwelling on it. These are not to be regretted, just an interesting reflection upon life. Here's mine--or the one's I can remember:

At 8 years old, my father brought me to this guy who was a vocal coach. I actively decided not to do it. I had just finished a specialized kiddie drama class and I had a ball. But being reminded of piano practice was not my favorite thing when I wanted to play outside. What if...

At 10 years old, I actively decided to STOP taking Ballet. How I could make that decision is beyond me. I liked Ballet, but I felt alienated, like most of my little life at that time. It was after I performed in the Nutcracker Suite with the San Diego Ballet. Apparently, I liked ballet. So, what if I continued to take ballet? Because at that time, I started attending the School of Creative and Performing Arts, and I would have been a triple threat for performing...

At 14 years old, I switched from the School of Creative and Performing Arts to my local high school, Patrick Henry. Making friends was very hard for me. No one was ready for my odd-ball behavior. Then my mental health condition really kicked in. I was given the opportunity to transition into a powerhouse private school, like Bishop's Academy or to go to school in another city: What if...

At 17 years old, I was with my family for a family celebration, I think Father's Day. I had just gotten accepted to Spelman College. There was a buffet and I was a major pig. But some ladies kept looking at me. Then they asked my mother about me and that she represents young women into major pageants, something I was very much interested in and she asked me if I would like to run for pageants. My mother intervened and said I've been accepted to Spelman and I will be going to Atlanta... What if...

At 20 years old, I was harangue by a guy I did not like and he raped me. But I was immobilized to say anything. I wasn't going to say anymore. But I told my friend and she was talked out of kicking his natural behind and was told lies about me. I was more fearful of making a fool of myself and allowing myself to get in that predicament. So, I stayed silent. What if I spoke up...

At 20 years old, I had wanted to join this group in college and they rejected me again. I fought back because I wanted to know if there was a breach in confidentiality. Later I found out there wasn't a breach. What if I did nothing...

At 23 years old, I was told to show up to this casting call by this crazy guy who liked me. I was going to go after church. So here I was in my church dress, overweight, and tired and I take a bullisht picture, which I crumple up and the camera man had to act hard against me. That was when I decided to quit my dreams of making it into the big screen and pursue science. I hate being treated like I was dumb. What if I stayed...

There are plenty more, but every now and then I get into:
  • what if I didn't leave San Diego, CA after graduating from my Ph.D. program?

  • what if I hadn't fainted at UT Southwestern in 2003?

  • What if my boss in Dallas, TX stayed and chose not to relocate to Utah?

  • What if I refused to meet my husband who pointedly stated he did not want children?

  • What if I refused to marry my husband--let him go like the other men who I let play me?

  • What if I called my family in Daytona Beach, Florida from my husband's mother's house in Apopka, Florida after a huge disagreement with his mother, twice?

  • What if I stayed in a lunatic fringe job in 2007, to be called mentally unstable and incompetent and morbidly obese due to the stress?

  • What if I did not tell a huge group of women locally to go stick it where the sun doesn't shine because I was getting accused of silliness?

  • What if I didn't choose to get a serious surgery in the summer of 2008?

  • What if I was just compliant to be doormatted, stomped on by everyone, but considered sweet and loving by everyone?

  • What if I did not refrain from being played by some people I trusted?

What if, what if, what if?

Welp, I know I have actively made decisions, so without much thought put into it. I took a leap of faith and trusted. Many times I crapped out. But the recent choices I have made are adult choices and acts of faith. I surrendered all that I am. I have come to the conclusion that once I make a decision, I live that decision. I cannot say I don't think "What ifs", but I can say that I work hard to not dwell on the past, because I cannot change them.'

Ironically, no matter what direction my life would have taken, I think that some aspects of time in life are immutable and I will be exactly where I am, today. Maybe in parallel universes, my world could be different. But I am in the best of all possible worlds for me. And I am where I am today because of making these choices. I would not be Dr. Gina if I did not make these choices. It is me. Measuring my life as the totality of my experiences gives that muy caliente flavor of me.

These "what ifs" help me predict some aspects of my future, particularly, not dooming myself to repeat past heinous mistakes. But, these days, I see this as it could have happened this way, but I choose to do it another way... I am more egalitarian about it. Not everything will feel well when I am suffering though it. But I have a faith in God, and while grounded in Christianity, God gives me what I can handle. Right now, what I am going through is practice for something greater. And I need to have faith that what it is I am doing is for the greater common good, which is online mental health and wellness for diverse people.

This blog is only a smidgen of all that I am. So, I will be judged unfairly. But like someone on Twitter told me, I am NOT my diagnosis! I am so much more than mine. And I am ARIAFYA: Zeal, Enthusiasm, Eagerness, Initiative, Spirit, Keenness, Inventiveness, Health, Well-Being, Strength, Vigor, and Power!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Why I am very ANGRY @ Dr Hasan @ #FortHood LAME!

What makes me very angry with Dr. Hasan is that he was GIVEN all these opportunities by benevolent Caucasian men to be ranked the the level he was and he stabbed them in the back. He set American-Islam relations back 10 years by his actions. There are wingnuts ready to annihilate entire Muslim communities because his chosen course of action.

Had cooler heads prevailed, he would have NEVER become anyone's captain in anybody's military. He would barely have a job as a medical doctor, much less a psychiatrist.

I am JEALOUS! Because here I languish in the Pacific Northwest, knowingly suffering from bipolar disorder II, and having been stigmatized by asshats who could care less about my survivability than anything. My actions NEVER indicated I would hurt a flea, and me going off on anyone with any intention to hurt. I have NEVER perpetuated that, NEVER been arrested and NEVER been convicted of it. So, WHAT THE HELL! When the stigma of mental illness labeled me as "dangerous", I left. Why go to jail for dumbasses who lie? People here would have NEVER believed me, I have no allies, so what would be the point of me continuing to placate, becoming more depressed leading me to either kill myself or get arrested when the anger and injustice cannot be suppressed?

My problem was not just racist, it was sexist. It was not perpetuated by my co-workers, that I know about. It was perpetuated by a culture of misogyny manifested by my boss. He has a history of it--legally. So when I found he said some racist things about me and my training, rather than confront him directly, I attempted to calm down so as to not look like a raving lunatic, further turning him on, until I got the gumption to confront him. Meanwhile he promotes an idiot as a scientist as a acting assistant professor, while telling me to lambaste this other wonderful scientist who was overtly gay. I refused to do it--hence I got targeted.

I solved and advanced a major experimental process on genetically modified mice that languished for 2 years prior to my arrival, and I propelled it further than ever before. I researched the data, I developed the protocols, and I got the approvals to do the work. I make sure every "i" was dotted with every "t" crossed and I was told by my boss, that the only reason why I was here was because I was "Black" and the only way I got my "PhD" was because of "affirmative action"... So much for academic research at the University of Washington in Seattle... Anyone can see who they choose to promote at this institution!

I will NEVER forgive them for doing what they did to me. There isn't enough money in the world that can cover the loss in salary I have incurred. I could see if I stole data, like what done to me in that lab. I could see if I lied about my research, that was done in this lab. But, what I was accused of doing was not playing their rules to fuck me over in the end--I had ethics. They lacked it and I got penalized and the University of Washington rewards unethical research.

Now, while I can get busted for this too. I don't care. Because I have paperwork backing what I say. I followed the rules and I still got screwed over. NO MORE!

It's taken me nearly 2 years to work through this craziness and I have reinvented myself away from academic science. I do miss science. And the world will have lost my talents to help humanity. But I can better help people here with something I love, which is social media websites via blogs, social networking and microblogging.

And I am slowly getting traction from people. This is my story. While living in this gulag, I have come to the realization of myself. I have power through my life, my experiences, and my stories. This small aspect of a story cannot account for the totality of me. I am beyond that and that requires getting to know me better. People do not want to take the time to learn anyone anymore. Fine. But people yearn for in-kind connection. They hurt. Intrinsically. I have had to learn how to manage that in myself.

Then, what does this blog have to do with Dr. Hasan? I am jealous and angry with him because there may have been so much more that he could have done for Muslims once deployed. He could have been that bridge to cultural understanding. The ability to be better and support. He would have regained the trust between the people we are fighting for in these countries and the American people. I know that is a heavy role to play, but in the midst of your threats, there are also opportunities. And this dude totally missed it.

Comparatively, I know where Dr. Hasan was with his thinking. He may have suffered from a mental illness himself. But being a psychiatrist, how can one treat himself? But realizing this needs to bring one's strength. Unfortunately, he bought the stigma of mental illness. Rather than trying to overcome this disability, he allowed the disease to eat his mind and warp it so to killing people.

I decided to overcome my disability and reach recovery, and then not allow anyone to defile my temple by berating me. These days, anyone who berates me is no longer a part of my immediate circle. Unless this person is a relative and I know most of them have my interest at heart, NO ONE OUTSIDE OF THAT WILL EVER BERATE ME BASED ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS! That includes any potential bosses, co-workers, new friends, etc.

I will not yield. I do not need to have people who I don't really know making harsh judgments as to my choices in life.

Let me be clear: Criticism is different. Criticism takes practice to hear and incorporate. The statements made are in earnest. Learning to listen has also been a tactic I have had to incorporate. I am not talking about receiving criticism.

What I am talking about is outright berating, intentional demeaning when what I have done does not merit the harshness. I respond to tone. I know this. As a protection, I will NEVER take from anyone who is not a part of my inner circle. Sorry, too bad. These defense mechanisms are made to protect my psyche.

Dr. Hasan has killed people due to his inaction to treatment.

I have helped people to propel them toward their life's dreams.

Dr. Hasan consulted with people who's intent are questionable.

I have searched for people who bring me enlightenment.

I think what Dr. Hasan did has ZERO to do with being of Islamic faith. Him and media saying that is a lame excuse. Dr. Hasan killed people because he was sick in his head and was untreated. The equivalence is Dr. Hasan did what he did because he was in pain and decided to not take a pain pill because he erroneously thought the pain would cease. It never did. It is as simple as that. I am sorry for the families who lost loved ones. What I am saying does not diminish the heroic nature of the US Army. But what pisses me off more than anything else is that someone like Dr. Hasan gets prematurely promoted whereas, someone like me gets fired... LAME!!!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

How I met & fell in love with my Dr. Veterinarian Husband

I was working in Dallas, Texas and was truly unhappy at work. My work life was doing great, but my love life and social life were non-existent and missing. I remember walking to work one day, crying a loud cry to the Lord wondering "why me Lord! If I am to be alone, then let me accept your will, but if I am to be with someone, then grant me the patience that he will come."

Then, I went away for a work meeting at the Jackson Laboratories in Bar Harbor, Maine. I stayed in an old mansion with a "roommate" who was this tall blonde and had blue eyes and she was a veterinarian. My roommate and I started talking about "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness", I told her that I graduated from Spelman College! My roommate's eyes lit up because she had heard about Spelman College because her "friend" graduated from Morehouse College! And she excitedly exclaimed that "at least we can be friends!"

When I got back to work in Dallas, my friend emailed me and said her friend and I should connect. I told her to send her "friend" my email. Her "friend", that I shall call G- emailed me saying "Howdy"; and that he will keep the message short. the I replied. We kept it up for several emails, then we started to connect differently... Our conversations were varied and enjoyable. He was going through some difficulty, and I cheered him on, and then he told me "I was an 'A-N-G-L-E'". Being me, I asked him is he a "right angle" or "obtuse"--he wrote "LOL you know what I mean..."

We emailed so much, that I asked him to start calling me around the end of October. And we talked and talked for days on end. We talked about how we saw the world, and the revolutions of world. It was so intense, that I said "we need to meet".

I told him to visit me in Las Vegas for New Years 2003. At first, he said he couldn't because he was going to Arizona to watch the Miami Hurricane BCS Bowl. I asked him what dates did he have in mind, he told me and he also purchased his ticket. I don't know what I said to convince him, but he rearranged his schedule to spend New Year's with me.

And then, he thought that I abruptly stopped speaking to him. He called me some time on December 4, 2002. He left a voice message, stating "If I did not want to speak to him, just let him know rather than not talking to him anymore!"

What happened was my mother left me from my family's Thanksgiving in Dallas, TX on December 2, 2002. On December 4, 2002, I thought I was going to my desk at work, but I actually went to a colleagues desk and fainted. I have never fainted in my life!!! Since my boss is a cardiologist, he confirmed that I did not have a heart attack and 5 other cardiologists said I didn't have one either. I was unconscious for 90 seconds, too long to have been a heart attack--so they said. Then I heard the EMT's come in and say I was going to Parkland Hospital. My boss emphatically said I was going to St. Paul's Hospital and that is what happens.

I did not want to go to any hospital, but I could not say anything... I was groggy. Well, I took a trip to the hospital, then I got white coat syndrome and my blood pressure spiked. The ER doctors said in front of my boss, who was the attending, that I had a heart attack, when in fact, there was no evidence for that. He was angry. So, I had a CATSCAN that was inaccurate. I had blood tests, was not pregnant and HIV negative. Then I called my dad, he said it will be okay. Then I called my mom, and she was nowhere to be found. I was transferred to Zale Lipshy Hospital. And the next day, my mom was there... I stayed one more day, had an inconclusive MRI, then I was released with a Holter monitor which was inconclusive. In fact, the Neurology team did not know what was wrong with me...

When I got home, I checked my voice messages. I got 3 messages from G-, then the inflammatory one. There was a voice message I was hoping for from another fellow, but I never heard from him, ever. What was interesting, my mom made me rest, then my phone rang, it was G-. My mother answered, the passed it onto me. She looked at me like, here is somebody calling me! What was more interesting, was I was all prepared to tell G- to "go fly a kite" based on that dumb message he left me. Here is the conversation below:

G-: Hi! How are you?
Me: Fine (flatly)
G-: So, your mother answered the phone?
Me: Yes (flatly)
G-: So, she went back home?
Me: Yes (flatly)
G-: So, she came back?
Me: Yes (irritated now)
G-: Well, I haven't heard from you in awhile!
Me: (Racing through my thoughts to where I either tell him off or I tell him the truth. He was a nice guy, I shouldn't be so harsh. But if I tell him, he will be scared. Well here goes, if he doesn't want to speak to me after this, so be it, I have nothing to lose!)
Me: G-, I was in the hospital. I fainted at work.
George: (slight pause) So, how long were you out? (Doctor's voice mode)

What amazes me is I CONSCIOUSLY made a decision to just let G- into my life and tell him the unfettered truth.

G- had rearranged his New Year's Eve and Day plans to meet me in Las Vegas, NV for 2003. He was supposed to go to Tempe, Arizona for the BCS Fiesta Bowl for his team, the University of Miami Hurricanes. He made these arrangements long before he met me. I begged him to reconsider, he did. He would meet me in Las Vegas, then go to Arizona and go home.

My family usually goes to Vegas every New Years since 1995. I had been going since 1996, so I was going with my parents. My folks stayed in a timeshare condo by the Hilton Grand Vacations company. There was a sleeper sofa in the anteroom and a whirlpool bathtub. I really liked the whirlpool bathtub. In 2002, my parent's had a second timeshare for 2-3 days for NYE. They stated I could invite a friend. Well, I invited G- because I wanted to meet him. Moreover, I had to tell my mom about him since she answered the phone in Dallas when he called. My dad was clueless.

Anyhow, after my folks and I drove from San Diego to Vegas, we hooked up with my Aunt B- who is beautician extraordinaire. I asked her to touch up my hair and add highlights to it. She did and my mom was amazed. Moreover, I was a lot thinner than I am today, so I looked extra-specially attractive. That was a few days before I picked up G- from the Airport.

As the time came closer for "seeing each other face to face", G- was calling me hourly. On the day of our meeting, his flight was delayed and he was so nervous, I just let him call. He was worried that he would never meet me. Then, when I arrived at the airport, I stood near the baggage claim anxiously awaiting his arrival. His flight had been delayed further. As I waited, there were quite a few limousine drivers awaiting their arrivals with name card holders. One of the drivers exclaimed to me, "you can be Becky or Christina if you want to!" and then I laughed and started talking to all of them, they proceeded to tell me how they look for their clients and the let me borrow one of their papers and write George's name with a marker. I wrote, "Dr. G-, DVM". As more people were searching for their bags, an onslaught of them passed me by, then out of the blue, here came G- bewildered and wondering why he saw his name on a limousine card. Then he saw me, and he looked shocked! I gave him a hug, my ear was touching his, he did not know what to do.

As he proceeded to his baggage claim area, I could feel my hair on the back of neck standing up from him staring at me just amazed at how I looked. It was as if he had never seen a woman like me before or a woman like me never spoke to him seriously. But, I was real and serious, and I was finally glad to meet him.

We drove back to the Hilton Grand Vacations hotel, which was behind the Flamingo Hotel, and we got into the room reserved for me. G- was further amazed at the grandeur, no one--especially a woman he was interested in, ever treated him to this kind of location. Then I asked him if he would like to get something to eat? I had forgotten that I told my mom earlier what we were going to do and where we were going to go. He agreed to go to P.F. Changs Restaurant at Harrahs. Then we proceeded to walk over there.

As we got seated and water was served, I gave him a card saying thank you. Earlier, he had given me a "spa retreat package" in Dallas, it was incredible. Then, after we placed our orders, out of the corner of my eye, I see ALL my parent's Vegas friends walking towards us, saying hello to me. That was when I realized my mom had fooled me and got all her friends together to size up G-. By that time, G- stood up to meet the first person that stopped by our table, he stated that he was "one of Gina's fathers..." Then another of my parent's friend's, a man stopped by and G- started getting exasperated and confused as to who my folks were. Finally, my mom and dad stopped by and I exclaimed that these are my parents, sorry for the confusion!!!

Poor G-, but he handled it eloquently and I wanted this interaction to continue...

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Pros vs Cons of Going Where The Jobs Are--the physical location

In my area, we are losing jobs by the 100's of thousands. All types of businesses are losing jobs. From research sciences, which I was in, to all kinds of technical jobs. In fact, recently, the Pacific Northwest lost a huge Boeing contract to the State of South Carolina.

For every threat, there is an opportunity. While my State is writhing from the pain and grief of losing huge government contracted corporation, I see a massive opportunity for that area which will revitalize them beyond them--such as green jobs. We could be the center of major green jobs environments based on balance and tranquility. Ergonomics for even highly technical green jobs. What if we could work with Nature to harness copious amounts energy, provide improved water reclamation projects and air quality standards. The workers at Boeing just need a flip/script change, for a long lasting effects, as long as we humans are here.

But this about my mind and it's rumination. I need money now! Why wait to build my business and my efforts, when there are obligations of which are my responsibility? Such as, major bills--i.e. light bill. Then there are things I want to do, like go to the beauty salon and get my hair and nails done, even a massage. When you are unemployed, all of that has to be minimized. All your spending has to be accounted for. Sure, when you have steady paycheck coming to you, you can live fat on the land within limits. And you can live paycheck to paycheck if you want, not setting aside or setting aside. However, this discussion isn't about the lack of financial planning, because underneath all of that, I am doing quite well.

This discussion is about my business and its base. If I move, my business structure is required to be rearranged. I also am building the business contacts of supporters who would bolster me to where I desire to be. Where I want to be headed toward this time next year is at least 10 new coaching clients, at least 25 people signing on to my website and completing 2-3 workshops. Moreover, I will be classified as having at least 2 contracts to run the wellness coaching programs in 2 corporations with group coaching and 10 clients with 2-3 certified coaches or Wellcoach trainees.

That is what I want. What frustrates me is that no one understand this logic. No one cares. So I have to grapple, claw and battle loved ones to help them understand. When I make it, they'll be all sycophantically reaching toward me. I know I can and will make it because I have done it before with greater insurmountable things. What I am doing for my business is fun for me. I truly enjoy it. I love going to business workshops, crafting ideas for marketing and it would be nice to make a little money on the side. I think it is worth it to help people find ways to improve their health by either weight reduction, decrease stress, have healthier food choices--or a combination of all three. With all the gyms joined, all the meditative music played and new fad diets/cooking shows eaten and watched, most people have a 70% failure rate of attaining their health goals, further increasing their weight, overstressed leading to chronic diseases, and clogged arteries. People require motivation to reach their health goals. The smoking cessation is one level to start--and while I have applied to Quit Coaches and Free and Clear programs, they have chosen not to hire me.

So, I'd rather have my credentials, make my own business. Please read my pros vs cons list of going where the jobs are--the physical location. It seems to be my reality that I just do not have the energy anymore to tolerate demeaning people from work anymore.

This is my reality. And I have some decisions to make.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

#PMS, MS, Post-MS & #Bipolar & #Mindfulness

Every month, I PMS, MS, Post-MS and it really wrecks havoc on managing my bipolar: emotions and behavior. Yes, I have discussed this with every clinician I know, including the research scientists at the top of this field. Guess, what, ain't chit they can do! Also there's a quandary: the meds I take for the bipolar, while good, have the booterrific side effect to messing around with my thyroid, which makes bipolar management, specifically the depression worse. I was reinvigorated today when I read that the thyroid may be "balanced" with Vitamin D. I have not been taking my Vit. D. supplement. And what's worse is I live in Seattle, a place that has less than optimal weather, so yeah, I am shutdown.

But my huge bipolar mania symptoms are amplified before my menstrual cycle. I have been tracking my symptoms over 3 months and have found that the numbers of my symptoms increase ~18th day of the month and peak 28th day of the month, then I have my cycle. Mentally, I am so snap happy. I snap at my husband for just breathing! I pick fights, when there are none. I feel rushed, anxious, worried and angry. I lament, whine and I cry. Physiologically, I am now seeing hand/foot swelling, my diastolic number increases in my blood pressure.

My cycle keeps flipping scripts on me. Uber heavy, red, clots for 2-3 days. Then there is a 1 day drop off with a trickle, pantyliner days for 2-3 days. I usually feel sickly during those days. Headaches, aches and pains, nasal congestion, stomach aches, immobile in the morning. My mood is complete fatigue and exhaustion. My complaints are just that.

After my period--just 2-3 days I am relatively normal. Easy going. My mood is mostly balanced. There are some external stressors, but overall, I am fine. I also have no pain, but I feel sore.

Then I post-MS and it lasts ~1 week. Physically, I feel nausea. I am still rather tired. I get started on my day when I have appointments. Mentally, I worry, I cry, I am depressed, I cannot move myself away emotionally, I cannot concentrate. Physiologically, I am about to ovulate. I think it is evolution telling me I am fertile, so my body attempts to get ready--which invariably does not happen. So what happens is it flings chemical signals and ligands to piss off my pituitary-hypothalamus axis--which puts the dampers on my emotions into depression...All of this action causes a migraine--especially on my right-side hemisphere--like 2 rebars on the caudal and frontalis sides of the skull. My husband calls it my invisible alien implant and the aliens tune it, often! I agree to it because, I've had 2 MRI's and they found absolutely nothing in my head... (Yep, including my brain--it's missing! :))

For 1-2 weeks I am not crazy. Then the entire cycle starts again.

Between the Post-MS to the PMS part, I was having break-through bleeding. 1-2 days of having to wear a pantyliner. This was occurring 7 years ago before I left my hometown. Only last year did I find something that stopped the break through bleeding--MINDFULNESS! It was stress that brings this problem on! And having these hormones, ligands, chemical agents flinging around in my body, no matter how much exercise I do, no matter how much chocolate/caffeine I avoid, I the break through bleeding only became manageable until I got a hold of the stress.

Hopefully, I can manage this stress through mindfulness for my PMS-MS-Post-MS. But it is very hard when it is not a clear cut physical problem.

Do I think my bipolar is a result of my PMS-MS-Post-MS? No. I can still be manic during those 1-2 weeks when I am not crazy if I don't take my meds. That's why I take them. The depression is persistent, it is something I learned to accept, cope and deal with to live in recovery. I use mindfulness to reach a positive outlook, rather that the negative statements from those bad ass tapes I have. It mostly works 75% to 80% of the time.

What works is isometrics. Getting those muscle groups to let go of all that glucose and become more insulin sensitive. Also I minimize stress by writing my thoughts in this blog and elsewhere. Reaching a balance, even if temporary is important for me to do.

Welp, I wrote this so that any woman who suffers like I do knows that they are not alone and this issue can be worked out.