Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Why I am very ANGRY @ Dr Hasan @ #FortHood LAME!

What makes me very angry with Dr. Hasan is that he was GIVEN all these opportunities by benevolent Caucasian men to be ranked the the level he was and he stabbed them in the back. He set American-Islam relations back 10 years by his actions. There are wingnuts ready to annihilate entire Muslim communities because his chosen course of action.

Had cooler heads prevailed, he would have NEVER become anyone's captain in anybody's military. He would barely have a job as a medical doctor, much less a psychiatrist.

I am JEALOUS! Because here I languish in the Pacific Northwest, knowingly suffering from bipolar disorder II, and having been stigmatized by asshats who could care less about my survivability than anything. My actions NEVER indicated I would hurt a flea, and me going off on anyone with any intention to hurt. I have NEVER perpetuated that, NEVER been arrested and NEVER been convicted of it. So, WHAT THE HELL! When the stigma of mental illness labeled me as "dangerous", I left. Why go to jail for dumbasses who lie? People here would have NEVER believed me, I have no allies, so what would be the point of me continuing to placate, becoming more depressed leading me to either kill myself or get arrested when the anger and injustice cannot be suppressed?

My problem was not just racist, it was sexist. It was not perpetuated by my co-workers, that I know about. It was perpetuated by a culture of misogyny manifested by my boss. He has a history of it--legally. So when I found he said some racist things about me and my training, rather than confront him directly, I attempted to calm down so as to not look like a raving lunatic, further turning him on, until I got the gumption to confront him. Meanwhile he promotes an idiot as a scientist as a acting assistant professor, while telling me to lambaste this other wonderful scientist who was overtly gay. I refused to do it--hence I got targeted.

I solved and advanced a major experimental process on genetically modified mice that languished for 2 years prior to my arrival, and I propelled it further than ever before. I researched the data, I developed the protocols, and I got the approvals to do the work. I make sure every "i" was dotted with every "t" crossed and I was told by my boss, that the only reason why I was here was because I was "Black" and the only way I got my "PhD" was because of "affirmative action"... So much for academic research at the University of Washington in Seattle... Anyone can see who they choose to promote at this institution!

I will NEVER forgive them for doing what they did to me. There isn't enough money in the world that can cover the loss in salary I have incurred. I could see if I stole data, like what done to me in that lab. I could see if I lied about my research, that was done in this lab. But, what I was accused of doing was not playing their rules to fuck me over in the end--I had ethics. They lacked it and I got penalized and the University of Washington rewards unethical research.

Now, while I can get busted for this too. I don't care. Because I have paperwork backing what I say. I followed the rules and I still got screwed over. NO MORE!

It's taken me nearly 2 years to work through this craziness and I have reinvented myself away from academic science. I do miss science. And the world will have lost my talents to help humanity. But I can better help people here with something I love, which is social media websites via blogs, social networking and microblogging.

And I am slowly getting traction from people. This is my story. While living in this gulag, I have come to the realization of myself. I have power through my life, my experiences, and my stories. This small aspect of a story cannot account for the totality of me. I am beyond that and that requires getting to know me better. People do not want to take the time to learn anyone anymore. Fine. But people yearn for in-kind connection. They hurt. Intrinsically. I have had to learn how to manage that in myself.

Then, what does this blog have to do with Dr. Hasan? I am jealous and angry with him because there may have been so much more that he could have done for Muslims once deployed. He could have been that bridge to cultural understanding. The ability to be better and support. He would have regained the trust between the people we are fighting for in these countries and the American people. I know that is a heavy role to play, but in the midst of your threats, there are also opportunities. And this dude totally missed it.

Comparatively, I know where Dr. Hasan was with his thinking. He may have suffered from a mental illness himself. But being a psychiatrist, how can one treat himself? But realizing this needs to bring one's strength. Unfortunately, he bought the stigma of mental illness. Rather than trying to overcome this disability, he allowed the disease to eat his mind and warp it so to killing people.

I decided to overcome my disability and reach recovery, and then not allow anyone to defile my temple by berating me. These days, anyone who berates me is no longer a part of my immediate circle. Unless this person is a relative and I know most of them have my interest at heart, NO ONE OUTSIDE OF THAT WILL EVER BERATE ME BASED ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS! That includes any potential bosses, co-workers, new friends, etc.

I will not yield. I do not need to have people who I don't really know making harsh judgments as to my choices in life.

Let me be clear: Criticism is different. Criticism takes practice to hear and incorporate. The statements made are in earnest. Learning to listen has also been a tactic I have had to incorporate. I am not talking about receiving criticism.

What I am talking about is outright berating, intentional demeaning when what I have done does not merit the harshness. I respond to tone. I know this. As a protection, I will NEVER take from anyone who is not a part of my inner circle. Sorry, too bad. These defense mechanisms are made to protect my psyche.

Dr. Hasan has killed people due to his inaction to treatment.

I have helped people to propel them toward their life's dreams.

Dr. Hasan consulted with people who's intent are questionable.

I have searched for people who bring me enlightenment.

I think what Dr. Hasan did has ZERO to do with being of Islamic faith. Him and media saying that is a lame excuse. Dr. Hasan killed people because he was sick in his head and was untreated. The equivalence is Dr. Hasan did what he did because he was in pain and decided to not take a pain pill because he erroneously thought the pain would cease. It never did. It is as simple as that. I am sorry for the families who lost loved ones. What I am saying does not diminish the heroic nature of the US Army. But what pisses me off more than anything else is that someone like Dr. Hasan gets prematurely promoted whereas, someone like me gets fired... LAME!!!