Friday, November 13, 2009

When times are hardest for a #bipolar #BlackWoman #WOC

Last night, I should have been thrilled to pick up my husband from the airport, but after him being gone on a business trip for a week and having the bed to myself, I started to fear going back to my "wifely duties" role.

It is hard for me to get go! When my husband left, I didn't eat for 2 days--in fact I starved. This was this past week!!! Then I got a hold of myself, and slowly got use to sleeping alone, eating for a few times per day, and I enjoyed picking of loose pieces of life once remembered. Just when I got comfortable, my husband came home.

As usual, his teen like commentary on every step I make is one of my pet peeves. So, I lost it on him today. My bipolar was acting up heavily today. In a tirade of tears, I explained to my husband how I don't trust me with handling household expenses. To say the least he slowly began to understand. And then he asked me to focus. Part of the chronic illness of bipolar--I am on a depressive side, which means I am unable to fully concentrate. I would have to develop many stopgap measures and implement action plans that I have a 7 or higher confidence in working. Right now all my confidences are lower than 6.

I no longer fee attractive when I am around my husband. I feel unimportant, not special and we both feel unappreciated by one another. He has all his work, and I am trying to make something from nothing.

While I dislike complaining, but I complain all the time. Well enough of this complaining! Fact is I don't know how my business will make money and I care, but not as much I enjoy doing what I am doing for my business. I have this strong feeling it will pick up and when it does, I will be in my sweet spot!

I keep this blog because it will be first parts of my written word. In my written word, I get tired of it being a textbook. Especially, exhausted seeing "practical wisdom" on positive talk about mental health, as it relates to bipolar. Then it misses day to day self-management. That is what I do! I help others increase their potential. Find the very best in themselves. Since my last client pretty much completed their time with me, I lack clients as for now. Soon, I will be over-wrought with clients and I will complain again about being too overworked. LOL!

I guess I need to find that balance.

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