Today was worse than last night. I forgot what the trigger was. I think it was my sore spot that got triggered. I'm worried about not having a job, not finding a job and my unemployment benefits running out. I am frustrated and I felt naked and unprotected.
Yesterday, my husband came in about his business, ready to eat. He told me that a professor at my former employed university, University of Washington, to get back in touch with her about a grant. Now that set me off because I remember telling my husband to never speak to anyone about my current on-goings, ever. Doesn't matter who they are, they do not need to know since they FAILED to assist me and my progression in life for gainful employment. I have come to the belief that when you come into employment, the company needs to have your best interests for positive worklife balance. I never had that at the University of Washington. And I do not care how I might hurt anyone, one day when someone might read this, s/he needs to know how wrong and poorly this school and this city treats African American women.
I know I need to get over this "unfairness" mentality, but there has been a gross injustice levied against me. How can I come from a stunning laboratory bright-eyed and bushy tailed with a PhD. Join one of the preeminent institutions in Dallas, Texas at the University of Texas, Southwestern Medical Center. Then wind up unemployed, no future in science and zero prospects.
I have published 3 first authored papers! I have my name on 8 papers! I have not been afforded the opportunity to succeed here, when it is someone's job at the University of Washington to ensure that! Moreover, my husband, has been working at the UW for 15 years and conceptualized, organized and implement an entire aquatic animals and the veterinary work--is he a full professor at that school? NO! And they have FAILED to advance him. Now he is the LEADER in this niche. People come to him, and this sorry excuse of a school will not give him what he deserves! YES, this is my opinion, but still, is he paid commensurate of his work? NO! And the EXCUSES they give to him are the rule of the incompetent, the monuments to nothingness!
How they have treated most African Americans, is lame! One of the preeminent professors at the UW who is now retired, was treated like dirt 50 years ago--not much has changed. Which brings me to the lameness of civil rights in this city. And the people suffer because of this. Why keep silent when I have NOTHING TO LOSE! I've got my mind, I'm crazy enough to say it, and I am a woman with little lost!
So, from my perspective, I was angry because this professor thought she could ask my HUSBAND anything with my name in the same sentence. It is NONE OF THIS PERSON'S BUSINESS!!! And it is for a grant, why do I want to see UW succeed. They advance people who steal people's data. UW is a white supremacist institution and enslaves Asians to do the work. Look at who is working there, look at who is the post-doctorates, and graduate students. Then look at what is being paid to people? YOU DECIDE!
These are NOT my jealous rants. This is why the UW has NOT had significant strides in biomedical sciences with the exception of hard sciences (engineering, physics and math). Why? Because there is this disconnect between physicians who are wannabe scientists and PhD's who actively choose NOT to be physicians as scientists. Are folks going to medical school to be scientists or physicians? One does not know more than the other! Scientists know many laboratory maneuvers--like molarity and concentrations. Whereas, physicians know surgery.
I started off at the wrong foot at UW. I entered a laboratory that was not my area to get my foot in the door. I was going to transition out, but was told some lies about that researcher. Now, I can NEVER get a position in that lab again. When I re-entered my field, the professor was psychotic, little did I know his lab was faltering. And he trusted someone who is slimy. I had to leave because my personality was being attacked, there was work place hostility, mobbing and bullying. In fact I have ALL the emails showing how I was treated. My husband cavalierly says to "let it go"--does he know anything about abuse? I was abused!
The University of Washington ABUSED ME! And I don't have any other reason why other than I am a Black WOMAN scientist with a PhD. What Black women have succeeded in science there? NOT AT UW!
I did apply to many grants and was denied, repeatedly. That was when President Bush removed funds from NIH. Who do I know, network-wise? Don't get me sorry.
So, I decided, THANK GOD! I envision my business. Business could be better, yet, I am doing fine with all of it! It all RESTS on me. But the UW does NOT get my business anymore. They OWE me! No! They owe my husband! Until they do right by him, everything that this school stands for will fail! I hope NO successes for UW as much as they delivered to me!
Yes, this a hate-filled, angry, resentful blog and I am frustrated. But, where am I now? If I thought my net worth would be absent at 40, I would have NEVER left California. At least I have some net worth there and have a chance. But, here in Seattle, I have NOTHING! I AM NOTHING HERE! And now, I don't have the money to move out without a job that pays relocation expenses. Then, I love the West Coast. But I am NOT going back into research. I WANT FORWARD MOVEMENT ON MY BUSINESS! IF IT DOES NOT ADVANCE MY BUSINESS OBJECTIVES, THEN TELL ME, WHAT IS IN IT FOR ME?
Taking on any old job just for money does NOT give me life-satisfaction. And in the end of my life, when I am discussing the dash, what will I say about MY LIFE? That, I did a dead-end job to pay for my business' goals that did not get off the ground because I had the dead-end job--whose fault is that? Mine!
Well, I will NOT discount myself, lower my expectation--I've tried that and look at me today! I will NOT settle for less because some ASSES tell me I can't. I don't have to deal with them anymore! I've been letting people out of my life when they fail to deliver or anger toward me rather than my usual kicking and screaming. Talk is cheap. SHOW ME! If you have anything to offer, STOP TALKING TO ME AND SHOW ME! I tire of lip service and rhetoric.
This is how I have to be. And I am coming out swinging!