Cheating is a form of spousal abuse! #NYPost #ESPN #Abuse

This is a story about an older 40-something man cheating on his wife with a 22-year old woman.The 40ish man broke up with the 22 year old woman, so the 22 year old woman wrote a letter to the man's wife. This is the letter to the wife.

When I read this letter, the first thing that came to mind is the letter is entirely too graphic, explicit and graphic to be sent to anyone. The presumptuousness this 22 year old mistress as if she is on equal footing to a legally married with a marriage licensed relationship is delusional. The wife can sue for "abandonment of affection" or "sending threatening mail" using the postal service. The wife has more rights than she can fathom, moreover, the couple has 4 sons, so that can be leveraged--people do that often.

Now, if the wife wanted to be devoid of heartache, she did not have to marry her husband. This little girl is definitely not the first dalliance with philandering. Maybe the wife does not care as long as she gets what she wants. But really, if he was in a loveless marriage, then he can bring divorce proceedings and let the wife deal with it. No matter what the wife will be painted in this "poor defenseless woman".

As a woman who knows a few things about a man cheating on her--albeit I was never married when that happened, I say, after the initial shock wears off, no matter how long that takes for you, maneuver your assets into your favor. Be informed of money sinks you have independently from your husband. There should always be no romance without finance is a nuisance in play. And you need a rapid exit strategy. If you do not have a suspicious of your nupital becoming decimated by philandering, rehearse a plan in your mind--keep that what if...

For men, it is the same. For LGBTQ couples it is the same. Remember, ALL relationships end at some time. Hopefully it is not due to divorce. But if it has to be, then have a plan for yourself: physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially.

You also do not need to be underhanded. When you originally married the philanderer, did you think that you would be at this spot. Is your meanness due to your anger to what the person did to you--or rather what you allowed the person to do--or is it because you truly are a mean character? When the guy I cared about cheated on me, I wanted to break him into pieces. I wanted to burn any memory of him from my life. But time does heal all wounds and I have grown that the experiences I cherished and condemned with him are a facet of my life. Now, do NOT do this if your S/O is physically abusing you. If that is happening you need law enforcement, not my little blog.

In this letter, there were too may claims made about the wife that were way off base and IMHO when anyone mentions someone's kids, I'm sorry, that is out of bounds. That to me is a threat and I feel threatened, mobbed and bullied. That will make me call my law enforcement and the FBI. IMHO all romantic relationships are between 2 consenting adults--basically people who do not live under anyone's household--especially marriage. That means 18 years old or older. Once the childrens' names have been brought into that picture by this letter, um yeah, that is a threat in my eyes. This conversation is between me and you, not my children (if I had any).

Secondly, that man is a punk. If he wants to philander, pay the fees for divorce, pay child support for your children, and pay spousal support. Whatever, be a man, walk out on the wife and mess around to your hearts content. But don't have any heifer come up to the wife with some psychotic letter discussing penis envy! If mistress wants him, she can have him. Maybe her puhnanny is tasty. But I serioussssly doubt it.

And don't gloat it is ghetto and unbecoming of a mistress. Mistresses keep quiet. They may be the 2nd "wife" or "concubine"--NOT the 1st wife with rights, roles and duties. If a mistress wants the love of the married man, she awaits his return. That is the position one places herself in when she allows herself to be engaged with men like that. I have not heard of any married man leaving his wife for another woman. It rarely happens. But, I have seen plenty of marriages decimated by infidelity and that is because women have enacted their desires of what is right in their relationship. No woman wants to be cheated upon. Nary a man either. But as a former woman who was cheated upon, it seems that it is all a matter of accepted behavior. If condoning cheating behavior is something allowable in the relationship, then it will progress. IMHO--it is cheating when husband pops off the phone with me to talk to a friend who is a girl... I guess that is the experience I have--I am a jealous woman, like God is jealous, there are no others before me.

Now with that said, turnabout is fair play... Men need to respect the marriage bed. Fools thought they could call me and see how I'm doing, just because. I typically have limited friendships with men who are unrelated to me. I speak to cousins and all. But men who are not my relatives, I have very few friends. I know alot of people. I speak on a civil level. But hanging out and all that visiting the house, etc. NEGATIVE! I know better because I know how I am. Not to say I don't falter and have the desires. But I married my husband because I love him, period! Most real men respect that. Players on the other hand have little respect for that. If a friend is not saying, hey can I respect your schedule and call you at such-in-such time, they are disrespect your relationship, your man, and you! Maybe that is why you are not with him anymore, you think? I actually find it pathetic. My husband says he loves me. I have issues with understanding love by others just because that's my issue, has nothing to do with him. Nonetheless, I LOVE MY HUSBAND and I MADE SOME PROMISES TO HIM THAT I AM KEEPING! So why are all the fools I use to day coming out trying to wreck my happiness? They didn't ask for my hand in marriage? WTH?

So, what is sad about this letter is that the young mistress was compelled to think this whole "thing fling" she had could override a marriage without cost. It is pretty much like a crazed stalker. As for the wife, I know that she will level this woman playing with the big girls. Is this young mistress dense? As for the husband, he needs an ass whooping, if he can't physically get one, he can get one monetarily.

Remember: in my professional opinion, cheating is a form of spouse abuse!

#Depression #Suicide #Health #WOC #Mentalillness: I knew s/he was crazy, but...

I often get asked what the Telltale Signs of Depression are and I usually say, Google or WebMD?

Since I deal with diverse populations, Google and WebMD are often NOT our BFF's. When explaining to diverse groups there are plenty of "yes, buts" or "what ifs" after even the listing all the Telltale Signs from the DSM-IV revised by a Nobel Laureate in Medicine!

In this written piece, I am relaying and translating the societal and cultural nuances so that mostly everyone can be on the same page for depression and suicide. While knowing the basis of the mental illness through listing the symptoms, it is just as important that these symptoms are understood fully even the variations in behavior that are witness, so that all have a positive mental health diagnosis and prognosis! Everyone deserves equity and parity in mental health care and everyone needs full understanding and education on what is known and treated in serious mental illnesses like depression and suicide.

First, below is the listed symptom of depression from WebMD that was obtained by the National Institutes of Mental Health:

What are symptoms of depression?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression
may include the following:

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
  
• fatigue and decreased energy
  
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
  
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  
• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  
• irritability, restlessness
  
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  
• overeating or appetite loss
  
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
  
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
  
• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
  

Are there warning signs of suicide with depression?

Depression carries a high risk of suicide. Anybody who expresses suicidal
thoughts or intentions should be taken very, very seriously. Do not hesitate to
call your local suicide hotline immediately. Call 1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) -- or the deaf hotline at
1-800-4889.

Warning signs of suicide with depression include:

• a sudden switch from being very sad to being very calm or appearing to be happy
  
• always talking or thinking about death
  
• clinical depression (deep sadness, loss of interest, trouble sleeping and eating) that gets worse
  
• having a "death wish," tempting fate by taking risks that could lead to death, like driving through red lights
  
• losing interest in things one used to care about
  
• making comments about being hopeless, helpless, or worthless
  
• putting affairs in order, tying up loose ends, changing a will
  
• saying things like "It would be better if I wasn't here" or "I want out"
  
• talking about suicide (killing one's self)
  
• visiting or calling people one cares about
  

Remember, if you or someone you know is demonstrating any of the above
warning signs of suicide with depression, either call your local suicide hot
line, contact a mental health professional right away, or go to the emergency
room for immediate treatment.

Suicide Warning Signs

by Kevin Caruso

If you or someone you know exhibits several of the suicide warning signs listed below, immediate action is required, so please read the information on the home page of this website and take action. Thank you.

Suicide Warning Signs:

• Appearing depressed or sad most of the time; (Untreated depression is the number one cause for suicide.)
  
• Talking or writing about death or suicide.
  
• Withdrawing from family and friends.
  
• Feeling hopeless.
  
• Feeling helpless.
  
• Feeling strong anger or rage.
  
• Feeling trapped -- like there is no way out of a situation.
  
• Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
  
• Abusing drugs or alcohol.
  
• Exhibiting a change in personality.
  
• Acting impulsively.
  
• Losing interest in most activities.
  
• Experiencing a change in sleeping habits.
  
• Experiencing a change in eating habits.
  
• Losing interest in most activities.
  
• Performing poorly at work or in school.
  
• Giving away prized possessions.
  
• Writing a will.
  
• Feeling excessive guilt or shame.
  
• Acting recklessly.
  

It should be noted that some people who die by suicide do not show any suicide warning signs.

But about 75 percent of those who die by suicide do exhibit some suicide warning signs, so we need to be aware of what the suicide warning signs are and try to spot them in people. If we do see someone exhibiting suicide warning signs, we need to do everything that we can to help them.

If you or someone you know exhibits several of the suicide warning signs listed above, immediate action is required, so please read the information on the home page of this website and take action.

Always take suicide warning signs seriously.

Thank you,

Kevin Caruso

I am translating these symptoms for the African American community because many people have come to me wondering if there is a way to identify or tell, or if there was anything thing they could do to stop any suicide. My cursory view of this list shows the lack of cultural competency in mental health, and thereby can cause burgeoning symptoms in African Americans. While it is clear that not ALL of these symptoms are manifested and there are variations between individuals, these are the main kinds of "cultural nuanced symptoms" that someone who is depressed often displays. It is NOT like someone who is depressed makes an "ACTIVE" choice to have display these symptoms, rather it is likely the wrong choice or inaccurate choice--it is like the person thought it was a good idea at the time or the thought never occur to him/her that the idea was illogical. At this time, I will not be listing what to do to manage these symptoms, but, one is more than welcome to visit one of The Ari | af | ya Universe's brands: Sistah Mental Health and Wellness or GYM Right-H/W Coaching and Events to learn self-managements.

The other issue is I organized this "Translation Navigator" so that we are all on the same page. I mean no disrespect to those who understand this information, but seriously, looking at the mental health disparities, something MUST be done for the lack of cultural incompetence described in my symptom review. I have chosen to do develop this written piece which I also will place on the Crazy Black Woman blog under a more marketable and racy title. This written piece needs to be used complementary to your professional health care provider and does not supplant or supersede your treatment plan with a licensed provider. Nor does it counteract against the written reference material.

Here it goes:

The inability to concentrate often resembles forgetfulness--but everyday forgetting important tasks, like missing due dates for bills, or forgetting to call key people like doctors. It is not the casual forgetfulness of losing keys or dementia like forgetting where you are--like Alzheimer's--that is very different! This forgetfulness is like after have a profound conversation with the depressed person (more like an argument) and they forget to pay the cable bill, still... Mainly forget to do important tasks.

Being fatigued or decreased energy means if the depressed person exercises every day at 12 PM, then they stop and do not do it for a month because they complain of fatigued or exhaustion or "I'm tired"--then it probably a depression. It is the dramatic shift in routine over a month that this symptom resembles.

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or helplessness are often not articulated or said and generally men do not state this. If men say anything it resembles blame of any perceivable target--often you! Generally, depressed women complain, then blame. Shortly, I will explain what that looks like because it is a manifestation of depression as a disorder.

Hopelessness and/or pessimism often looks like "commentary" that teenagers provide whenever you make comments. For example, when you say, "Let's go to the Beach, it is a nice sunny day!", a depressed individual would say rapidly, "Why to get burned by the sun!"

Insomnia or excessive sleeping: I have not been privy to insomnia due to depression, but I have slept all day for several days without being sick. Like I would choose to sleep vs choosing to exercise, or go to a fun social activity.

Irritability or restlessness: Irritability often looks like whining and snapping at whatever you say. You could just say "BOO" and the depressed person combined with the feeling of guilt would bite your head off for saying "BOO"... The restlessness is often combined with the forgetfulness. Watch when they cook. Tell the depressed person to make Koolaid/punch and s/he will get flustered by making a simple recipe... And remember, the behavior is not sporadic; it is consistent over a month or two.

Lost of interest in activities once pleasurable, includes sex: This particular symptom I have witnessed and experienced its combination with the forgetfulness, the fatigue, the guilt the pessimism and the excessive sleeping symptoms. It could be any activity that you know your loved one enjoys. One of mine was going to the movies. I was very much into science fiction and reading the latest trailers and previews. Then, my loved ones would ask, "Hey, let's go to the MOVIES" and I would say I did not want to go. I had no reason why and one would have to twist my arm to make me go. The other issue is when it is several activities once enjoyed as a tradition and the activities no longer want to be done for unknown reasons! Such as your depressed loved one and you enjoy having fries and shakes after a heavy workout, it is your ritual, and for no reason, the depressed individual refuses to go--not because s/he took a new nutrition class, but just s/he does not want it... Remember, the behavior must be consistent over a month and is not sporadic!

Changes in eating behavior: I have witnessed and experienced overeating. I may have done some forms of appetite loss, unrealized. But, I have overeating junk food more than not eaten at all... What a depressed individual does when s/he overeats is a lot of carbs: breads, cakes and sugar! Apparently, the medical aspects of depression feeds off of glucose in the brain, the full mechanism is unknown. Moreover, the meal is one time of day--all day and does not stop until sleep! Alternatively, what a depressed person looks like when his/her appetite loss is s/he has failed to go grocery shopping and all that is left is something indistinguishable, often the depressed person is living off of something bizarre like gum or rationalizes vitamin supplements have nutrition. Most of the symptoms mesh with each other, so this one is combined with forgetfulness, inability making decisions, helplessness and hopelessness. Moreover very little eating can cause the insomnia...

Persistent malaise: A depressed person complains all the time about physical issues and when s/he chooses to see a primary care physician, knowing that the ache and pain is in his/her mind is currently discouraged due to lawsuits. Laboratory tests and manifestations cannot convince the depressed person of his/her ailment. Remember this is another symptom that meshes itself with other symptoms, so if this one is see, the other ones are seen... I have experienced this one with the fatigue, guilt, hopelessness, irritability and lost of interest in activities symptoms.

Persistent negative thoughts: A depressed person complains about "nobody likes me" or any absolute statements: NEVER, ALWAYS, NOBODY, EVERYBODY. AND often you also see judgmental with accusations types of comments: "You should's" and "You must's". The empty feelings look like "listlessness" or lack of response--especially when you ask a simple question like "How are you going today". A depressed person will respond with a shrug or say "I don't know" on a consistent basis. Remember, this type of symptom is meshed with the other ones... The thing is this one is a trigger: meaning when you start hearing them frequently is when your antenna needs to be raised!!!

Thoughts of suicide: When the comment gets made, it needs to be taken seriously. Whether or not there is a plan, that will be discussed later, no games can be made or discounting it. By that time, depressed people have actually intensely rationalized and thought about it, so now they are beginning to vocalize it... It is the process of the disease of depression. Literally, the brain is damaging itself due to the aforementioned symptoms. It is thought that all the symptoms meshed together overload the system and crashes the brain--like a hard drive. But there are other organs attempting to save the body at the same time: i.e. the heart, the muscles, the stomach, the liver and the kidneys, plus many others to override the "self-destruct" button... Remember, this behavior is not night and day or sporadic, does not lessen the impact though, so watch this behavior closely.

So please permit me to use some creative license and combine some of the warning signs to suicide from WebMD and Suicide.org:

There are some key spots that MUST be watched and vigilant with someone suffering from depression, especially as it relates to suicide! I cannot stress this enough if you love this person, this is NOT about "Dr. Gina" being crazy, this is about me going into thoughts of suicide and generally these thoughts resemble the below discussion. Also, these are the telltale signs. This IS what you look for so that you can do "if you could have done anything differently..." The way to think about this is the splinter in the tiger. The tiger by itself is a lethal fighting animal, but when there is a splinter, they writhe in pain and while you might think "it is not a big deal", it is to the tiger and usually it will kill itself or gnaw off its paw to minimize the pain... However, if you do notice key suicide warning signs, you need to include a professionally licensed provider for any intervention. But laws vary from state to state, and no one can be hospitalized against his/her consent. I am only pointing out the suicide symptoms, as usual my disclaimer is this is completely complementary and suggestive of any professional statements, it cannot be used to diagnose, supplant or used contrary to any professionally licensed provider's treatment or medical orders. In fact the information presented here has not been verifiable so you must use it at your own risk and it is for casual informational purposes only!

Sudden switch from very sad (depressed) to calm/appearing happy: While obviously stated, often this looks like the depressed person has found "resolution" to his/her problem--usually it is committing suicide--like the game show buzzer--EHHHN--inaccurate conclusion here. So, if you notice this behavior with your loved one, ASK what his/her wants are? Asking this question is also called a question of autonomy. The point of this question is had they made a definitive decision--you will get an answer to this question no matter what the answer is... If s/he flies off the handle or shuts you out, that answers your question. If s/he actually tells you what is going on, then you may have to make your own decisions, which does NOT include yelling at him/her.

Always talking and writing about death. Generally, we think of this "Gothic paraphernalia", like always wearing black like a vampire... But really, making this culturally relevant for African Americans, this symptom looks like wanting to be that "gangster" or "thug", with the guns, listening to "gangsta rap" or "thuggish" music and actually believing it is real. And the discussion looks like dark and dreary kind of lifestyle, such as robbing people, misogyny, prostitution, etc. This symptom meshes with another symptom as described later.

Clinical depression as described in the above section.

Having a "death wish"--taking unnecessary risks: In the African American community, these symptoms appear to resemble anything! Running red lights is unsafe for any African American in the United States, so that would not be something we would manifest. But carrying a gun into a club saying we are protecting ourselves is an "unnecessary risk"... The death wishes we have is getting involved in very dangerous activities known to ruin our lives and are self-destructive--which leads us to our next symptom

Substance abuse: Alcohol is a depressant, and some illegal substances, like marijuana and methamphetamine make irrational thoughts worse. Many people in our community abuse substances to self-medicate from their depression. It is a self-destructive habit. This is probably one of the single elements that is seen more in the African American community than others. The symptom looks over and above the normal consumption of substance abuse--a functional alcoholic or smoker, etc. And substance abuse treatment differs from depression treatment, while the two are intertwined inexplicably, first the addiction is treated then the mental health issue...

Acting impulsively: One of my signature ones! Usually I would run to go somewhere or act like I was running away when I was younger, living with my parents. My folks were not astute enough to pick up that was a suicidal symptom, so, without treatment, this one can precipitate to a worse outcome, like a suicide attempt--which I did. Since this discussion is about depression, acting impulsively is doing something without thinking about it and letting the chips fall where they land--meaning if the depressed person dies, that will be where the chips land... The depression symptoms you often see meshed with this suicide warning sign are guilt and hopelessness.

Poor performance in school and work: Young people often have failing grades and it is known they are able to do the work. For adults, it accounts for missed days of work, lack of follow through and missed deadlines. The depression symptoms you often see meshed with this suicide warning sign are lack of concentration, fatigue and excessive sleeping.

Putting affairs in order, tying up loose ends, writing/changing a will, giving away prized possessions: So many depressed African Americans feel they do not have anything, so changing wills is infrequent occurrence. Moreover, I have not seen or experienced giving away prized possessions freely. I gather this suicide warning sign resembles vandalism or destruction of property. The depressed person's thinking is "Since I have nothing to lose (hopelessness) and everyone thinks I am worthless (guilt, worthlessness), I will vandalize this property by graffiti or I will destroy this property by stealing/thievery of key items". What makes this illogical thinking occur in a depressed person is putting the affairs in order or tying up loose ends... What makes this a suicidal warning sign is the risk of arrest involved along with the depression symptoms and other suicidal warning signs like substance abuse or a death wish.

Feeling strong anger or rage: It has been told to me that depression is anger turned in on myself. The anger I have had and still have is due to unresolved hurts and pains done to me or experiencing what I perceive as a traumatic event. Some people casually say, "This is what is called life, deal with it"--is a destructive comment to make to clinically depressed individual, it is what will tip them over to just thinking about suicide to actually committing suicide. The heartless comment often is misconstrued to a depressed person who is already having inaccurate gross conclusions in thought and the comment causes the person who is incapable to articulate his/her feelings to only verify his/her self-worth with the depression symptoms. What you see is either the first suicidal warning sign of "listlessness" or "empty" feelings or you see an anger/rage unloading, often with crying. What causes this anger? I have a blog on anger as it is written from my bipolar POV. When I realized I was very anger or enraged, I had to develop an action plan to remove myself from the event so that my brain was not damaged by my negative thoughts. I also include several other activities and if you would like to know more, you would have to join Sistah Mental Health and Wellness -- the premier online social media site for diverse women: SistahMentalHealth.com!

Remember, it should be noted that some people who commit suicide do not show ANY warning signs. So, loved ones may still feel, "I knew s/he was crazy, but..." And if you actively see these symptoms and want to help him/her, judgment does not help them, professionally licensed provider can! A few pastors have qualifications for professional mental health care and it does not only include prayer or telling one to just be saved! Many professionally licensed providers lack cultural sensitivity and could look "crazy" to you! Finding the what works for you, navigating the mental health care system, implementing mental health and wellness goals for you and your loved ones is very important! If that is something that interests you and you are a diverse woman, please feel free to join us at Sistah Mental Health and Wellness! We await your presence, today!

Spelman graduate & I married a #Morehouse Man--the deal

To keep this particular blog short, I will briefly say that Spelman College, an all female HBCU, is not a horrendous school to attend. For many women it is a wonderful experience and knowledge is vast. RARELY will any African American woman have the kind of college education that she could have a Spelman. But as for me, I was not suited to attend Spelman during the time I attended. Spelman lacked mental health resources and support that I suffered when I was in school and the members of the administration broke confidentiality that I unwittingly thought I could keep in confidence. If any lesson can be learned is that if you are a Bipolar African American woman, do not go to Spelman in the 1980's... LOL!

Invariably, since Morehouse College, an all male HBCU, was highly interactive with Spelman. The Spelman-Morehouse connection was close. We got a Morehouse brother in Freshman year. Spelman-Morehouse students often dated each other. Spelman women were in all the Morehouse fashion shows and often won Miss Morehouse, etc. We did have our battle of the sexes and as with all relationships, we had our fights. While I attended Spelman in the mid-late 1980's a lot of couples either got married before graduation or right after graduation. I so much wanted to be one of those women because it is what my parents did while they attended Fisk. Here I was, this hopeless romantic on a dateless night. As I reflect back, bad things were being said about me brought about by my untreated mania and poor behavior. Nevertheless, I lacked self-esteem, I was naive and I allowed myself to be abused, short of domestic violence. In fact, without going into too much detail for this blog, I allowed a boy to rape me and I did nothing because I so fearful of speaking up--I was ignorant. It caused me so much trauma that I needed to go to a psychiatric hospital in Atlanta, alone without familial understanding or support...

Do you blame me that after graduation I decided to swear off all Morehouse men. It was a Morehouse man that diverted my attention from my studies. Yes, I made that decision, but I was also ignorant and believed what this man said versus what I thought. It was a Morehouse man that passed on a sexually transmitted infection right before the day of AIDS in the African American community. It was a Morehouse man that date-raped me causing me to be hospitalized. It was a Morehouse man who dumped me. Oh no, no more Morehouse men living in the Morehouse mystique. For a good two years after graduation, I did not date, period...

I gathered my humiliation, distrust and hate of what I went through and built upon my knowledge. It was the reason I fabricated in my own mind as to why I only applied to one graduate school in my hometown and the school choose not to accept me after heavily networking with them. It was the reason I decided to seek professional mental health providers to assist me in my condition. Because if I did not, I would be dead by my own hand.

I refrained from attending any Spelman function outside my city. I refrained from interacting with anyone who was not a part of immediate local sphere of friends. I could not speak to them, I was too ashamed. Not even my linesisters of my Sorority knew what happened to me, that is how tight lipped I had to become. I was too scared to tell them. While I was pledging, one linesister totally cursed me out for being weak and I had to apologize for my weakness because really, I did not even begin to understand group dynamics. I was such an oddball overall that square pegs in round holes while bashing heads of bipolar disorder is just not worth the explanation. Not to make anyone reading this who sees him/herself as a friend feel bad, the reality is during those 2-3 years of a dry-season desert I had to forgive myself and seek my mind. I suffered from what some trained therapists would call Post Traumatic Stress Disorder--I literally had nightmares/night terrors after I GRADUATED FROM SPELMAN. In fact, I think my ability to rapid cycle due to bipolar helped me going back and forth to my hometown.

Needless to say, while the education was commensurate, the professors at Spelman and Morehouse could care less of a psychiatric problem of their students, EXCEPT for 3: my 1st semester biology professor; Dr. Jann Primus who died from cancer and Dr. Han from Morehouse for Organic Chemistry. They all took a liking to me & kept me interested in the sciences, specifically molecular genetics. Without out them, I would have not completed Spelman nor moved forward into anybody's graduate program.

After I graduated, I meandered. Upgraded by dating scene to high places. Lost weight, and learned some new life's lessons for a different blog. I completed my PhD program, relocated to Dallas, Texas. And I found myself working very hard in science. Long story short, I married the kind of man I detested--a Morehouse man. But at the time, I had learned to forgive myself and while leery, I gave this type of man who also graduated Morehouse a chance. I was ready. Fortunately, he was ready. And I fell in love with him.

Something to be said about Morehouse men: when they go to school they learn how to go hardcore to gain their dreams. These men are very hard workers. They will do the job they have been tasked to do and they are very intelligent going about it. Next thing is the Morehouse men that good heads on their shoulders are the nerdy geeky ones. Not the uber-religious ones or the players or the rabble-rousers or the pimps, but the one's that have their heads completely stuck in their books, who read an array of extra material on top of excelling in their grades and the one's who have plans for their lives. These men are the epitome that Morehouse upholds. A Morehouse man has internships or coursework during the summer & beyond. They have an exchange program or study abroad program, possibly a Fulbright Scholar. There are decent family connections--i.e. he doesn't disrespect any of his elders or siblings. That is the kind of Morehouse man who exists with some faults and there are pros and cons--i.e. arrogance. But if you can tolerate that great!

The amazing this is my Morehouse man tolerates me! Moreover, he has built me up, bolstered by self-esteem even when I am at my lowest and this is far beyond my graduate date from Spelman. It may be the character of the man, but assuredly, Morehouse education help mold that character. Maybe that is what attracted me to him the most, which I had forgotten existed after all the non-Morehouse men I dated.

I also see plenty of bashing of Black men by many people, including Black Women. And while I have dated my share of losers, and have seen the backlash by Morehouse professors who are also Alumni, the thing is that these men are willing to take a look at themselves introspectively. Whether they keep that new look is another issue, but at least they either look at it or try it. And that is how I learned to love my Morehouse man, at his lowest point, I gave him some options, he chose one and he is happy I assist him in a new behavior.

I think the relationship between Spelmanites and Morehouse men is a torrid one, but once a critical connection is made, it is built to last!

#KO Olbermann on #countdown 4 #HCR #p2 #publicoption #msnbc

Thank you Mr. Keith Olbermann and your impassioned plea for Health Care Reform with the public option.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Sistah Mental Health & Wellness

Youth violence and Sistah #Mental #Health and #Wellness

Today, I saw in CNN that often reports violence images on their news reports, how violence must be stopped by these young men who killed Derrion Albert, a 16 year old student who had no criminal record. The savage killing with tire irons and planks that killed this young man by gangs is reprehensible. The youth who are suspected in killing this young man have not been found or turned in due to the concept of "stop snitching"--no one will "tattletale" to the police about the suspects.

Not even the cell phone filmer who brought this beating to attention right before the bid of the Chicago Olympics in 2016, has not been arrested for uploading smut on to the internet and bring it to the attention of major cable media news outlets...

Then, on CNN when they discussed this topic, I must say it took courage and an emotional plea to change, but it still sounded like BLAME THE VICTIM! The young people if found, proven (by what jury of their peers) guilty & sent to prison for all their lives ruining families already destroyed, will show what for the improvement of the whose community?

No discussion about the INJUSTICE done to these kids over all. Jane Velez-Mitchell keeps saying no one is talking about PEACE--that PEACE is the way to stop violence from a rather violent network, sounds sanctimoniously & self-righteously, lumping on the responsibility to find solutions to this problem that has been growing for over 30 years when President Reagan stole the money & introduced crack into these communities... No, there will be no peace because there is no justice. NO JUSTICE! NO PEACE!

Violence is NOT stopping because someone starts talking about PEACE... Peace occurs because of love. This is a place that is bereft of love. And love is a JUSTICE action... So is forgiveness as well as relaxation...

When pundits say let's do this one idea to solve a chronic condition such as poverty both monetarily and morality and psychologically, they miss the point toward a holistic living or lifestyle changes required for sustainability. WHOLE LIFE LIVING requires some level of JUSTICE BEING SERVED! The Chicago community hurt by this 1 of many young men murdered are ignorant! Justice has not been serve to let them make any informed decision. THIRTY YEARS! That's roughly 2-3 generations growing under a belittling, impoverished conditions who don't even know that a better world exists anywhere! It is easy to live in a rut and as a young person who still is neurologically developing, how can any of us adults who did not grow up similarly ask differently of them without providing them justice or showing an alternative?

MINDFULNESS BREATH
INTROSPECTIVE MEDITATIVE REFLECTION
MARTIAL ARTS
USE OF COMPLEMENTARY ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE
SOCIAL ENTREPRENEURSHIP
APPROPRIATE HONORED SPEECH

These are concepts that the CHURCH has lacked in teaching in these communities. I should know, I use to attend these kinds of churches. Catching the holy spirit, sitting in Bible studies, prayer vigils and making up fasts are all good things, but they are practiced haphazardly without knowledge by the participants where mythology develops and misnomers are perpetuated--especially when it comes to help.

The gateway to the Black community is no longer the church, otherwise how are drugs getting in, then? The Black community was assaulted 30 years ago--it is absent from the discussion of multicultural heritage because we lack ties to a land. And Black people destroy one another--I have incurred that wrath in my current community, which I share no parts into it.

We need a re-envisioning and JUSTICE is the way through love. The Church can assist us with the epistemology of the understanding of LOVE--especially love of oneself--not a selfish love, but a balance, well-being, holistic love--Beloved-God is Love--Love... That would help, a lot. Then translating that action into deeds, because see it is not enough that one LOVES him/herself, that love is translated in words, actions, deeds--mainly community service--where JUSTICE is needed.

Then I would come in with Warrior Training: Mindfulness, Healthy Living, Martial Arts, Nutrition that when one loves one's temple and the body is one's temple, it must be honored... Through non violent communications, motivational interviewing, physical fitness, watering, serving the community--daily, be it community gardens, assisting the younger children to cleaning up the streets of dereliction.

Then the teachers, educators, coaches, artisans (vocational, military, construction, technical) can finally have access to the group to broaden these young people's minds.

I am not the first person to craft this. But knowing molecular genetic systems to keep cells to animals alive, they must be bathed in a good nutritive mix. Never have I seen cells or animals die because of good nutritive enriching environment. NEVER! Cells to animals THRIVE in this kind environment--the expand, the animals are more eager to participant in trials. It is when I remove several nutrients and enrichment at once that I see massive die offs in waves.

My family did not rear me to idly watch this ugliness grow.

But the barrier to success in this Chicago community is INJUSTICE, then Love and forgiveness. Violence is only a symptom the disease of poverty... One can expect that outcome. It's amazing that it's gone on for 30 years...

Sistahs if you need to find toward self-LOVE and want to learn more, please join us at Sistah Mental Health & Wellness and you can fill out your PQ Interest Questionnaire today to seriously have a talk!

MEDICATION discussion & then some #bipolar #mentalillness

I do not like discussing medications because of several reasons, the main one is I do not want to give any sufferer any ideas of self-medications because that is inappropriate. And then, I do not want to be told by someone who is NOT a clinician or my physicians the delicate balance I am in while taking these serious medications. Moreover, I see these type of medications just like other chronic disease medications, i.e. diabetes, hypertension, heart problems, etc--psychotropic medications work for me because I have found what works and I will need them for the rest of my life. I was born with the misfortune of having this biochemical imbalance in my head and I am struggling to regain that balance. Off medications, and the imbalance immediately comes back and hits me like a ton of bricks.

So, my diagnosis is bipolar. Initially, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, no medications were available at the time. Then by the time I saw a psychiatrist, I was in a major depressive episode where I had attempted suicide. So I was put on anti-depressants that did zero for me except sending my moods to mania. Over time, I taught myself the science of bipolar. I have a PhD in molecular genetics so I pretty much am very familiar of the biochemistry, protein chemistry, molecular interactions, genetic influences, to make an informed decision. Like I said before, it was an very astute psychiatrist that diagnoses me with having bipolar and when I looked at all the symptoms in total, I agreed. The drug I was prescribed was Lithium. The symptoms of mania subsided in 3 weeks. My mind did not race, I didn't spend money like I had some, and I did not pick fights with the one's I love.

Mood disorder drugs do that. Then, the side effects hit me: dry scaly skin, shakiness in the morning and my favorite: my menstrual cycle dictates my moods a lot, so, close to my menstruation and right after my menstrual cycle, my mood drops to depression. Because of that issue, I have to take a small amount of anti-depressant to keep the mood safe. This drug is lamotragine. Well with most anti-depressants suddenly have a side effect on me--it makes me dizzy, so I must be slow to stand up, watch for my peaked manic moods, and eat a normal diet. But one side effect that just cropped up is I cannot remember simple things, until I exercise.

I am confused more than usual. I am forgetful that usual. I think is all the foul moods I sustained caused me brain damage that cannot be measured by normal methods, like X-ray. My problem may need fMRI or PET imaging. But my insurance will not give that to me because I've had 2-3 MRI's also with no complicating factors. Then I am not sitting in the MRI again, I cannot stand it!

When I'm not on my anti-depressants, I remember all the bad memories, as well as the great ones... But with bipolar, the bad is that old cobweb easy stinkin' thinkin' vs. unable to remember any memory. I don't know which is better.

I am NOT going to run down the street rather cuckoo. Neither, do I want forget the great memories. Exercise sort of helps, but I am not there.

When we do crazy things in public...

I have been known to do some crazy stuff in public. Sometimes it is done so spontaneously without any thought to it. It's not dangerous, it is just, well, crazy.

I bring this up because this new young singer, "Lady Gaga", was on SNL and sang "Dancing On Your Disco Stick" within a gyroscope type suit... Here is a typical look for her freaking out the rap artist "Eminem"



Anyhow, she's famous and probably is doing it for the notoriety, the crazier she is, the better off. She also does have talent in singing. So to make a difference, Lady Gaga needs that schtick to be different. It's all cool when your a performer...

But for the most of us who are not famous, doing inane things in public, we are seen as crazy. I have done some crazy, silly things: like buying dog from the pound for someone, preparing food dishes without recipes, giving extravagant gifts that are unreasonable... One time, I was treated so poorly by an airline, I purchased a one way ticket to the location of my desire, at the time it was $200--but I had a credit card.

Wow, I did some bizarre crazy things. I hope I never hurt anyone. But, I have hurt myself. Because when I do oddball things, it is a manifestation of my mania.

These days, I have matured. But I have not ever physically or mentally harmed anyone. Even though I recover from bipolar disorder, ignoramuses often misjudge me as "dangerous" because I sometimes say and do crazy things. Most people have not wanted to get to know me and I really do not care anymore to know why. When I was young, I wanted people to like me, so I would compromise all who I am. I couldn't define myself for myself and function. And oneday, suddenly, I just said the HAYLE about dealing with folks not like me or lacking inclusion of me or my ideas. I have been toiling alone before, I am use to it by now.

Those people who are over enjoyed to spend time with me, work with me will do wonderful things together. To this day, I have done crazy things, and I still have a few friends. The thing is, when others who have misjudged me find out I am actually pretty cool, then they begin to realize there is a unique spot in me--so, why should I change to make people like me? I like me and I think I am just fine the way I am. I don't like lies being told about me, but people with small minds must do that.

My oddball behavior has been a badge of honor for me to wear. Who else is doing what I am doing? So if folks have a problem with that, basically, they can...

MIMI NI NILIGENDUA!

Look, I've been seeing a bunch of kneegrows bitching and moaning about what they're called: Black vs. African American. That is a DUMB argument to have! Why? Does someone else define who you are? Do you blindly agree to something, just because some one tells you? Do you believe everything your read, hear or see? Are your perceptions, what make you what you are?

As a scientist who studies molecular biological systems under evolutionary control on planet Earth, the observations I have made with gene-interactions and environment has indicated to me that this kind of question is superfluous to the understanding of the Universal nature of life. Regardless of what I believe or theorize who/what started life on this planet, the reality is that is planet is here now, so what are we going to do with it and how can we leave this planet better than we found it without corrupting, contaminating or killing life?

Bottomline, you are born into this planet, through no choice of your own, you live your life on this planet for the most part, and you will die on this planet. The Spiritual matters cannot be voir dired like that in scientist, which makes it a personal belief and subjective choice decision. But if you are living, you will die, maybe not now, but more than likely later, hopefully when you are old!

What is the point to engage in a dumbass fucktardery comments like I'm Black, no I'm African American? I hear it day in and day out in my social networks. The reasons for getting involved is range from personal beliefs in God, Jesus Christ, Biblical proportions, or you deny your heritage, smite your ancestors who died for you to say that, etc. It is like the folks who make these arguments actually think they have choices in what they can be called! In fact, a name given to you FROM someone else to DEFINE YOU!!! YOUR POSITION!!! YOUR STATISTICS!!! YOUR GOD!!!

Who in the HAYLE says THEY can define you? Someone who chooses to control you, subjugate you, minimizes your power over you. You can say God and Jesus Christ, but who is that god you worship--the god you think you are worshiping, praising, sanctifying, witnessing, or the ONE TRUE GOD that allows you the transcend into wisdom to help those less fortunate? Christ asked us to give up all your belonging--obviously, if you are reading this, you are on a computer, possibly your own, so what is up? Oh right, you further justify your corrupted mentality TOLD TO YOU by those who wish to control you... LOL!

What about the opposite? All those who have power, want to keep it... An Afrocentric ideology causes one to sacrifice integrity for "groupthink" and "collusion". It is an tip of a huge unstable iceberg that often leads to erroneous perverted conclusions. It is confrontational by nature to set people on edge and fails to bring humanity to a peaceful, contemplative, wise nature. Being Afrocentric does not mean you fail to clean yourself to be more down by some one who you thought TOLD YOU to do it--who wish to control you...

What is worse between these antagonistic groups is both are lucky to even be called Black OR African American--because really, racists and bigots can call you something else--often giving you your name, making you say it by beating you, leaving you destitute with nothing, but yourself. Your whole entire definition during the MAAFA killed your understanding to DEFINE the every essence of your being. So having this discussion is like 2 dogs fighting for spoiled scraps not even sufficient enough for nutrition to survive!

There is a better way to think about if you have definition problem of yourself and it is Afrikan-Centered, discovered by Dr. Marimba Ani. The Cultural Asili that starts the understanding of the utammaroho and utammawazo to develop a higher being, to become the Godheads to our rightful birthright. Not even I am at this myself. It is NOT a Buddhahood, because Ankh Shakti Imhoteps (Dr. Wade Nobles) showed that we share dualities in the Spirit and the Body. And it is the balance to achieve with 7 Chakras in ying/yang that we must maintain for a transcendent life (Dr. Llaila O. Afrika). I CHOOSE to call myself, African American--not because someone has TOLD ME to Control me through an unscrupulous untrained clergy--I rolled in those circles, so I know! No, I choose to call myself African because my genetic ancestry mandates it! I also choose to call myself American because my sociopolitical realizes it! But I choose to be HUMAN and WOMAN because the watoto, the future of Earth, The Asili--the Universe as called me into it!

The Universe will always remember, it never forgets. What you throw out into the Universe is what will come back to you, severalfold. If that is the God you INVOKE, then be responsible for your incantations and accept ANY outcome and consequence for your INVOCATION! Be careful what you ask for, though... LOL!

No... I refuse to be defined... I AM UNDEFINABLE BY YOUR STANDARDS! If you must find a way to define me for your small mind, THEN DEFINE ME AS ROYALLY DIVINE--FOR THAT IS WHAT I AM! I am indescribable with your little mind, undefinable, there is no dictionary definition of who I am. And once you think you have a definition of me, I metamorphose into something your mere cursory education cannot begin to comprehend!

I am your MUSE! And if anything I invoke all God's of great Earths.

Woye Hoye? Akeerah, Ashe.

#BlackWomen #Research #Scientists while #Bipolar

I have decided that entrepreneurship is my last bastion of control I have for self-determination in selling a product and service I trust. My business: The Ariafya Universe is dedicated to healing diverse people with the intersection of science and mental health and wellness. I want this business because it all rests on me.

I am a former bench research scientist. I discovered a way to reduce cholesterol in the blood genetically through stem cells. I developed a way to keep heart function during congestive heart failure. I learned that the reason for type 2 diabetes by high fat, high sugar diet when on ages possibly has to do with signal transduction dysregulation from post-transcriptional levels. Lastly, I created a successful repeated test to determine blood pressure in genetically modified mice who were found to have decreased blood pressure. With all those studies and project all except for 1 were grossly depressing for me, costing me years of my life from stress.

In research, science is truly an enlightening and enthralling experience! It is one that unlocks those doors and secrets to an infinite natural wisdom and mechanism, which I truly found fascinating! Doing science for science sake... It was the system that decimated me. As evidenced by my research articles, it wasn't that I could not think, act, do science, because I made significant strides. It was the bureaucracy, the white male domination and machismo, politics and the fact I myself got seriously ill, which exacerbated my bipolar disorder--when I asked myself, after been accused of workplace hostilities inappropriate outbursts, but what I actually had was my boss said some racist things about me and I found out about it and when I confronted him--he lied, I asked what is the point? What is the point living life in destitution where I am questioned for my legitimate presence there. Then, when I was berated, ridiculed and demeaned in the laboratory from the Principal Investigators to the lab personnel because I was a Black Woman Scientist, I had no scientific answer!

No, in fact the inappropriate often ignorant, racist questions asked of me has ZERO to do with SCIENCE! Then hearing the confabulation of the heinous crime of scientific misconduct, drawing an ill conceived conclusion about a large swath of people through my low self-esteem bipolar answers without a shred of evidence is warped! At the time, I thought I was a personal attack and while I was naive, every bone in my body was set to prove these vile people called scientists wrong!

The greatest blow to my psyche and budding scientist career I have found is that I am a Black Woman asking intriguing scientific questions about the Universal natural order and forces, devoid of human definitions. What I bashed, crashed and smashed my head into disrupted the delicate, fragile imbalances that racism fabricated and distorted mired into scientific thought and theory about the reason for my existence--a Black Woman asking profound scientific questions, discovering novel scientific pathways as show repeatedly.

While insurmountable obstacles were set in my way, some I could not control--such as electricity dying during an experiment. And some others I could control--such as my response to ignorant and insensitive comments, that mentality kept me in the pursuit of science for science's sake for a long time. At the height of my progress in science, with the greatest support, in an excellent academic institution, my bipolar disorder literally knocked me down on the floor. I also saw the inconsistencies of the practice of science in the United States as irrelevant. Moreover, I found business people, venture capitalists and artisans more intrigued by my presentations than the scientist who destroyed all my being.

So now no more. I shall miss the free-loving viewpoint in science. The joy and thrill of solving a deeply puzzle or game like Tetris--graduate student fare. The transition to post-doctoral fellow who is told how worthless they are to the scientist, when better business practices could be implemented, such as marketing strategy for scientists. My strength is science is:

Taking complex health information and translating it into organic cosmic niches so that clients can choose to make their own informed health choices.

What is healthy eating? Why is it important? What is the importance of fitness? What does relaxation mean? What is the molecular genetic nature for that? Is it important or relevant? What would be the mechanisms? How come? How much of an impact does environment play on the molecular genetic factors? Is there an evolutionary reason for these factors?

So, I rather than lament my long lost life rather than on all my blogs, I decided to re-write that script. Become a CREATOR rather than a scientist. A scientist observes and waits for something to happen for discovery, then tests it. A CREATOR brings forth the created from scrapes and pieces of raw materials into a microcosm of an envisioned Universe. I make the rules, standards and spaces. I now know how biological systems work in concert in health and disease, so I think I can recreate a biological system of beauty in cyberspace and social media.

Quick #Mentalillness #Bipolar Episode: I hate Seattle 3

So I was thinking, the hub loves the BeJeezus of Seattle. The reason, he built his own life. I can empathized because he started here with very little, and through his tireless effort with some minor assistance with his family. He has reaped what he has sown and now he benefits!

Whereas, I moved here because of my husband and I thought our love in our relationship would sustain my loneliness here. But I would probably would feel that way if I was in a relationship or not or live anywhere in the Universe, I'd prolly feel lonely anyway!

So, I did this quick mental illness bipolar episode to see the ranges of my mood disorder.

I thought of this while walking back from the grocery story where the checkout people treat me shitty except for one. The bagger is mentally retarded so I should not be so hard. The checker is an asshole. Overall, it still makes me depressed to live in Seattle.

Then I don't feel passionately lonely like I did before. The other drug, Lamictal, has become effective. Meaning, the moods don't fluctuate as much as the one drug, Lithium, where I always felt extraordinarily depressed. Moreover, check out the time, so I might be rather manic. Lamictal side effect.

Such is the life of recovery...

Relationships & my Bipolar

I am married and I love my husband. But this is a story about when I was young & single & pretty & cute & not confident & naive & ignorant & stupid.

In my early adult years: I was totally in love with this boy in college. He was my moon & stars. But he could care less about me. He treated me like a joke and I in return treated him back harshly. Then, when we graduated, he wanted nothing to do with me. I only saw him once or twice. Let's just say that I was unstable with my bipolar at the time.

After that debacle I put myself through, I was chased after in the club by this guy... He was 6'5" & 305 lbs! I looked up. I was to tiny back then. He was a sweetheart. But, I had called him one evening to ask when he was coming to pick me up & he was having a party with laughter & cajoling! I had just about finished my Master's Degree and I was sick of it. So two can play that game.

At the next "party" I attended, I met a guy. Now this one was handsome, personable, & so I thought, more my "speed". Something told me NOT to respond to this guy, not to answer his phone calls, but I suppressed it and I relished in the lifestyle!

This was another 4 year debacle. I was young, pretty, cute, smart, outgoing, had a lot going for myself if I concentrated on it, but I always felt something missing, like a relationship. But I did not have a clue how to have one. My bipolar often kicked in, while more stable than before, the haunts of my sordid past would arise. It wasn't the past failed relationships, it was the "free expression caught up whirl" - the "merry go-round" I got myself into and I didn't know how to get out. That hurt me worse than a bad relationship. Later, I found out, that a part of bipolar is inconsistent relationships with degenerate sexual partners--a part of mania--that's another story.

Anyhow, I shall call this person "Bart": hindsight is always 20/20. But somethings I only found out until much later. Such as, I found out he had beaten his previous girlfriend within an inch of her life. Bart had always been verbally abusive and a drunkard, but I was not fearful of him physically abusing me. That is not saying he would have not had done that to me, but that is one of the protective devices about having Bipolar, the anger and rage that sets in through the mania, which can cause a psychosis, is dangerous, too... Ignorant people label bipolar as criminal, that would be inaccurate, Bipolar is protective especially in psychologically and physically harmful or dangerous situations. A bipolar person may be crying after you pushed her or him down on the floor, beating her or him up, but you had better be careful about going to sleep at night...

I LET Bart say some of the craziness that was said to me, i.e. "I don't give a fuck about how you are doing..." or "What you are saying about your work is your fault and that's some bullshit!" I respond to harsh tones, it is the least of my enjoyment among other human beings. I strongly detest it when people verbally use harsh tones with me in their voice. It activates a fear cascade in my mind, wrapped in anxiety, that goes to an automatic routing system I am unable to control to this date. And that routing system is unpredictable. Sometimes, harsh comments roll off my back. Most of the times, harsh comments make me cry--not because I am weak, but because the next thing I might pick up is some scissors and I might just jam them into the offending person's head... THAT scares me, because I have a strong sense of moral obligation and following the rules. That is important to me and I don't want to hurt "God's Creatures". My compassion kicks in and overrides those grossly negative, enraged, resentful thoughts, suppresses them, then turns that anger onto myself, because I can take it, I have been doing it for 40 odd years and it works... But the bad side effects of doing that is my whole psychological balance is disrupted, pieces of myself shatter like glass. And I hit the other end of bipolar, depression, which is worse.

It is the motivation to not hurt people like I want to and the inability to evenly defend myself that causes my prolific crying. The crying is my moral compass, it says I am not an animal, I am a human being that loves, feels, cares and counts for something and for somebody. And when an asshole, like a "Bart", VIOLATES that space, all I can do is look defenseless and weak. Let's just say, it took me 15 years to figure this one out...

Nevertheless, Bart verbally abused me. He did it. I allowed this person into my life to verbally abuse me. An abuser and a bipolar--what a combination! While not unusual, because I know other women in similar situations, mine situation has a tinge of California Fast Lane Stardom: see Bart was "relatively famous"--he WAS a professional athlete and he played for the local team with stardom. His name was in the papers, he can be found on the internet. With that fame came the dazzling parties, the cajoling, the carousing, the talk of the town, the paparazzi, the social stratosphere, the VIP rooms. And as a young adult, to me that was worth all the verbal abuse.

The flip side to that is the cheating... Recent studies have shown that abusers often cheat or have multi-variate superfluous relationships. Bart thought he could cheat. What was ironic about that is who he cheated with was zero competition to me. But see, that's why our "relationship" was NEVER formalized as "boyfriend/girlfriend" or anything other than. I LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME! Something I have a very hard time forgiving about myself. Why? 3 years of "investing" into a friendship that I fantasized to advancing and I get nothing out it? What was I thinking? What I wanted was a meaningful relationship, but I did NOT know how to do that, so I had to make it up along the way. Bart was an dumbfucktarded pawn in all of this, he could care less about human relationships, he didn't love himself. I recall one time as a PhD student, I had called him and he said, "Well, if you respected me, then..." and I exclaimed, "RESPECT, RESPECT--YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL RESPECT!" and then he hung up on me.

Moreover, the cheating has upgraded to solicitous relationships these days. I hear of girls sleeping with girls--and they are not avowed lesbians nor support the lesbian cause--it is pornographic. Then they allow these young girls to be filmed and they wind up in some tabloid or youtube video. While in my younger days, some of that could have happened to me as my "almost famous" trials of "groupieism" started, I consciously squelched that possibility--because, having a PhD was more important to me than infamously obtaining my wealth through humiliation. And like I said, I have a strong moral compass, my family would have not gone for that. But wow, the times I could have chosen the "Big Time" through vicarious acts? That "Big Time" was short lived if I had selected that route... That is why I left it.

Nevertheless, Bart wound up cheating himself! There was this woman who was divorced from another very famous professional athlete that messed around with Bart. This woman was a gold-digger and she definitely did not mess around with no broke... And she chose the dumbest man on the team to play around with. Bart was it. Bart wound up getting this gold digger pregnant--let's just say this after the 1st OJ verdict--home girl was like, Nicole Simpson.

What got me is the way I found out. I told you in that day, I was so naive, ignorant and stupid. I could not see the telltale signs. The uptick in verbal abuse, the alienation, the "whatevers" and lack of communication, the only hanging out on weeknights vs. weekends, can only see you for 3-4 hours, etc., etc., etc. Moreover, I had also learned how to incorporate other avenues to my relationship happiness--I had learned how to cheat, so I was pre-occupied. And I still really cared for Bart. I would talk endlessly to him about my friends and some of them knew what had happened. But they also knew I had to learn for myself... Then oneday, Bart invited me to a game and I wondered why gold-digger was there--then saw she was 9 months pregnant--and dayum this PhD training: I put 2-and-2 together...

It took me year of constant crying myself to sleep at night--I was grieving the loss of the "fabulous life", my own selfish concocted greed, and how I alienated everything to be with this luser I had invested 5 years and my youth into my life. Oh, was I an idiot! Was I an ass!

Then, I proceeded to transform myself. I got my hair colored--I lightened by 5 levels, turned more red than the golden blonde I wanted. I started visiting a beloved aunt in Las Vegas more. I developed a closer relationship with my parents, oddly enough--they screened all my potential boyfriends. I finished up working on my degrees. I visited Paris, France! I'd take trips to nice places. I consciously invent reasons to be alone and not try to make relationships work. In fact, I had learned how to sabotage them. I invoked a 3 strikes and a 1 strike rules. 3 strikes if a guy failed to follow-through with me. 1 strike if a woman was involved. I did not date men who had small children--irregardless. Actually, I got angry emails about that, because a lot of Black men, who I preferred had children from previous situations. I did not care! I did not have children, so why do I need to deal with your inadequacies, really?

I learned how to not run up under any man by calling all the time or talking to him other than to set up another date. In fact, I went on a phone call fast, often. I wasn't interested in speaking to man, unless he has something interesting to tell me. Nor was I excited about any of his accomplishments--actually, if you are playing for keeps, you don't want to do this... It was all about me.com at this point! If he wasn't bearing gifts, he doesn't get to see me. End of discussion.

Then there was the intimacy part. When I was young, what did I know? But one day, I was reading a magazine at the hair salon and it talked about this concept called "The Tantra" and "erotica". So, hey, I read it... It was the advent of the internet, and pre-Google, so I looked it up, and as usual, the sex sites were there! But the Tantra was a bold new concept for me and the site was not as pornographic as it is today, and I read: John & Caroline Muir (no longer together) and Margot Anand books. I read how Spiritually cleansing and uplifting it can be to be intimate with one's partner. So, if one of the symptoms of bipolar is sexual degenerate relationships, and there is not medication to break that cycle, how does one break it? Under Westernized Medicine, one cannot, but I was also strongly into Complementary Alternative Medicine and had converted to a vegetarian after my "fall" that I was seeking a higher Spiritual plane, the Tantra taught me--but it cannot be it's acts, it has to be it's thoughts and compassionate faith--well, I am a very compassionate person just by virtue of having bipolar... Let's just let these energies flow together...

I was healed through the Tantra of my sexual indiscretions. I see it as giving my energy to the one I have invoked my compassionate love upon or shall I say Aloha Tantra Asante.

How does this help me surpass the Bart? Well, that person is a painful demon in my life, but now I see beyond all of that. If I were to meet him again, the conversation will be brief because really, he incapable of having a significant intellectual conversation at any level. And if I am with my husband? My husband's emboldened manliness will be asserted--my husband is so "happy go lucky" it would be like "whatever dude", "hang loose"!

And then after all the discovery & re-invention I have done... After all this soul-work I have made... WHY ARE THESE PAST LIFE MEN CHASING ME NOW??? I don't have any money! I'm married to a man who loves me and I love him, implicitly and completely. So, I don't get it? When I wanted a man to be in my life, none were to be found. When I least expected it and one of my lowest points, I found the greatest gem in my life. So why would I want to ruin it?

This ISHT Ain't KEWL!

Look, it's fine to disagree with healthcare reform and it can be done respectfully. But to have an "astroturfer", someone who seems like a disgruntled crazed protester--and he actually works for Prudential Insurance, there is no more debate. I don't want to discuss anything with this person. Why should I? Obviously, they are NOT operating on all cylinders. They are in serious need of psychiatric care. And I bet this person has a mental illness stigma his insurance, Prudential Insurance, would give him a "Cadillac Plan" before he becomes a felon.

Well, it wouldn't be unusual. The guy who shot President Reagan was long gone. And the power elite wanted to send him home now that he is medication stable. Well, the fact is someone who is mentally ill often leaves clues! Such as statements like these. The mentally ill are different from the serial killers/rapist. Mentally ill cannot logically explain their plans with a calm even keel voice. Most healthy people will see their glitches in their "master plans". Moreover, the thoughts that are verbalized or written in social media like, Twitter, are discordant--i.e. racing mind, all over that place with no focus and incoherent.

I've seen threats on social media before. It is either harming oneself or harming other people. In fact the kid who shot people at Virginia Tech in 2007 did exactly that. The young man who killed himself live on a video cam stated so on several of his pages. In fact, I have the screen shots somewhere.

Above is the screen shot of this man's one comment. I want him prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. It's time to get tough on crime! I want him to go to a psychiatric facility maybe.

But I also want to see if Prudential Insurance will drop him for psychiatric hospitalization like they did to me, many moons ago when I only wanted to harm myself? I want him to experience what NOT having healthcare means for those of us who support healthcare reform--especially for mental health care. I know the long arduous journey I have taken to regain my health and recover from this chronic condition. And I still struggle to keep my sanity, every day is a battle for meaning.

So I took all the energy of that struggle and flipped it into my entrepreneurial hopes. I'm moving slow and slowly making strides. Making differences in people's lives one by one. And solidarity among those of us who support all people who suffer from mental illness.

So what is up.

The boy's name is Eric Luke unsure of the realness of this person, but it's wrong either way.

When the Mania Sets In--Cyberbullying--the Deal

So, I'm having mania symptoms. Random thoughts, lack of focus, spotty sight and inability to concentrate. I also use quite a few curse words than necessary to express myself.

Anyhow, I strongly support President Barack Obama, and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in that I want health care reform with the public option and no trigger! I'm for that!

As a health care "purveyor" (rather than direct provider), I want Americans to have access to health care: reduced costs, quality of care and affordability. I fully support that. I'm not worried about how to pay for this because people are suffering. When the house is burning, you don't way to ask how much the water costs to put douse the fire? The fact is, just like those wild fires in California, if it fails to be contained, the entire state, with every structure can be burned down, including the nerve centers, like nuclear power plants!

As a sufferer of bipolar disorder II, I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE OFF MY PSYCHOTROPIC MEDS! I've done it before. I set myself up for failure. My thoughts immediately become manic--within 1 week. I'm superhuman, I can do everything! I cannot be told how illogical my thoughts are, I don't listen to anyone. People who love me attempt rationalize with me, but when we are in "Dr. Gina Logic"--there is no logic to "Dr. Gina Logic". I set my expectations so high, that I will ultimately fail and the fall is so hard... I want to fight people, I want to do battle, I want curse everyone out. Then I have a propensity to cycle like a roller coaster, one minute I'm high, next I'm low, then high-low-high-low, et al.

That is NOT living. I cannot breathe through it in mindfulness. There is no yoga to concentrate through it. I cannot process why my illogical plan failed, which was of course FLAWLESS! HOW DID IT FAIL!!!! Then I look at my "intention" to help people--then someone asks, "how does it help"--I mow people over who are trying to just help me!

Today, I use my blogs and tweets. I actually enjoy it. I get good scientific articles and thoughts I could pursue and teach myself. I have conversations with some people I can learn new things. I'm vocal about my bipolar because I want others, like me, who silently suffer know they are not alone.

Being a crazy Black woman is not easy. I can't fake my symptoms, these are NOT symptoms one wants. There are other Black women who are crazier than me. I'm mild in comparison. But, I am one of the more educated Black women who is certifiably crazy and I had to embrace that about myself. Family says why would ANYONE say that? I'm sure someone would bash me, but they cannot hurt me for being honest and willing to help some young Black girl who didn't know how to find her way when she hurts so much--a pain that is inexplicably but easily can arrive to suicide... That's why I use social media.

As a result, there are people who disagree with my tweets. I appreciate someone who says, "I disagree" then says here's what I believe and why. I like that. What I do not like is outright cyberbullying without backing up comments. That nullifies any possibility of having a dialogue or desiring of having a dialogue. I don't want to speak to you anymore when I have been exposed to hatred for no other reason than I exist on this planet and that person hates me for that. That to me is psychotic and for another blog. Nevertheless, I get Tweets by people who outright make hateful comments to me in a form of cyberbullying to say mean and hurtful things to discredit me for little or no reason. One can ignore it and let people think what they want. If one chooses to ignore it in social media that gives others license to continue the hateful comments. That is the mature method and one who is mature can take these things as they come.

Well guess what, being bipolar sometimes doesn't make you mature and mania makes the anger worse... Moreover, there are no conversations--pretty much a yelling match laced with profanity.

The other way to handle it in social media is to pounce upon the disparaging comments with force. One can choose to outsmart her opponent--meaning argue on the opponent's terms... One can choose to concede to her opponent--meaning cowtowing to the opponents beliefs... One can choose to behave crazily to her opponent--meaning saying wild statements to where the public chooses to believe what they want. The point is to make a ruckus, so much so, that no one has a dialogue. Kind of like a civil rights protesting... The point is to make a scene and to run out people.

Social media cyberbullies will run the honest people out. The good people who enjoy debate and enjoy kind discussions. Does not happen with cyberbullies. The cyberbullies' goals are to overtake, overpower and dominate the discussion toward their selfish ideas. An egomaniacal agenda to advance their selfishness--aggrandizement.

Take for instance health care, some of the most sweeping changes ever made in 40 years. We are long due for a major upgrade. A lot of medical advances have been discovered in 40 years! We MUST do this upgrade or the United States cannot be competitive in this global economy. A sick soldier cannot inherently fight. A unhealthy person cannot do commerce, employment or contribute to the financial success of this country. People need to be healthy!

Attacks made upon President Obama like that of Steven Anderson, a pastor in Arizona, who says he hates the president and wants First Lady Michelle and daughters to be widowed. A religious person using the word hate... Hmmmm.... Then his parishioners carry guns with only an earshot of the President--his 2nd Amendment right--not a bright thing to do, but his 2nd Amendment right.

Then, mothers in some states refusing to allow her children to listen to the President's message about school--because they so-called disagree and think the President is indoctrinating her children. With children dropping out of school, in a free society, to learn concepts freely to advance the knowledge of Americans, is irresponsible!

I get cyberbullied by Tweets to point on this information is out of order. I can say my opinion, some of it professional, and folks are free to disagree. But calling me a "progressive weasel" without having a dialogue with me is ignorant. This person, named "Dear Citizen" on Twitter, has not met me and pointed me out in the "#" hashtags--hence painting me without me having a chance to defend myself.

Well, okay, I am mentally ill. I take medications to manage my pre-existing condition. My insurance cannot pay for anything I do to myself in managing my mental illness. So, if I commit suicide, Dear Citizen, blood will be on your hands. Because it takes me to have costly medications and therapist meetings to handle this illness, and I am going to go off my medication to show you what it is like to suffer the bigotry, racism and stigma you purport promulgating if you attempt to cause Health Care Reform with Public Option to fail! MY BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS! DEAL WITH IT, THE PRICE IS ON YOUR HEAD! AND IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE IT, YOU PICKED THIS FIGHT AND YOU WILL LIVE WITH MY DEATH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

See, because I have nothing to live for. I've lost my job, I'm unemployed and losing unemployment. I'm highly educated with a PhD in molecular biology and I'm told my degree with worthless because I got it due to affirmative action. That being said to me who fights depression daily to only be felt worse. So, I am a mentally ill desperate woman with NOTHING to lose! You chose this fight! That means you will have to explain yourself to all the people who actually do love me, just because I exist! My death will be on your head! So you better hope, I survive.

The flip side: GLOBALLY, OUR COUNTRY IS BEING WATCHED! "TERRORISTS" ARE WATCHING! AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO AIM ONE MISSILE OR FLY ANY PLANE INTO A BUILDING OR EXPLODE ANY PHYSICAL BOMB!

HURT ONE HAIR ON PRESIDENT OBAMA OR HIS FAMILY'S HEAD, THE WORLD WILL NOT TOLERATE IT! MARK MY WORDS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THE U.N. IS FOR? THE EUROPEAN UNION HAS MORE MONEY THAN THE UNITED STATES. RIGHT NOW, RUSSIA HAS MORE MONEY THAN THE U.S., CHINA DOES, TOO. THE WORLD IS WATCHING! DON'T SLEEP!

THINK ABOUT HURTING OBAMA... THINK CAREFULLY... SERIOUSLY... DON'T CARE ABOUT THE SECRET SERVICE, DON'T CARE ABOUT THE U.S. MILITARY, IT AIN'T ABOUT US BEING UNABLE TO PHYSICALLY FIGHT. IT'S ABOUT WE THE PEOPLE NOT COMING TOGETHER WHEN WE CALL OURSELVES A DEMOCRACY! WHY PROMOTE SOMETHING FOR A SELECT GROUP OF PEOPLE!

Yes, I'm off my meds and my lunacy is in effect. Deal with it!

YES, I am calling these fools out on this list. I expect it to get longer. The names are from Twitter

• @DearCitizen
  
• @YOU_LIE
  
• @southtexgopher

If anything were to happen to me due to lack of reform and cyberbullying that impacts me psychologically, when my friends and family look for causes, you are named as the cause for my mental health decline. Deal with it!

Running on empty! Having Less Than 4 hrs of Sleep

When I don't sleep and I am severely sleep deprived and fail to fall asleep, I have mania to a paranoia and conspiracy delusions. Sometimes I incite arguments or discuss random incoherent stream of consciousness thinking. Why, as I write this blog, it is exactly what is going on with me.

So, for my readers, you are in for something special! Means I am in rare form! You don't get Dr. G- in bizarre behavior mode with scattered thinking/racing thoughts out there. I also do multi-tasking. So I'm watching re-runs of Adult Swim's Robot Chicken, while typing and speaking to my loved ones!

I have a slight headache underneath my eyebrows. It's a dull headache. Then, I have my menstrual cycle--I know TMI--but it plays a HUGE role in the manifestation of mental health issues. So, this mania is interesting.

Anyhow, I have this conspiracy theory hunch that the reason why President Obama is squelching the public option deal for health care reform is because during his vacation, his family was threatened by psychotic wingnuts. I say that because something was odd about how the Secret Services said that they have never seen so many threats against a sitting POTUS and that the threats against President Obama has gone up 400%--that is significant!!! So beside the usual deranged "I'm gonna kill you" dumbfucktarded letters, something psychotically worse must have gotten to them. I mean it's sad that assholes feel they have to maim a duly elected individual and his family. How is a POTUS suppose to protect his family when the SS says it's never seen any thing like this and it's increased 400%--WTF! That's just crazy!

Welp that's just my manic paranoid delusion with less than 4 hours of sleep in 36 hours while menstruating.

But to those Wingnuts who can only say dumbshit to us progressives on Twitter to get your rocks off! If you fuck this health care reform for us, I will personally find out where you live, curse your ass out, make sure you lose reproductive organs with the recombinant viruses I will hack on you. Then I will convince some harden convicts who ain't got nothing to lose to evict all the items from your house and your vehicle, what's left of it to be lifted, then burned.

Then, I will call every government agency audit your absent funds, and report all your movements, just to be the asshole you turned out to be. If you follow me, I will call 9-11 and lie! I will take out a cease/desist order with a restraining order. I will do whatever it takes to make you suffer the pain that million who work hard and go into bankruptcy due to a health concern they did not ask for!

That is why hateful twitters have to pay me $100 for my response. And I'm a Crazy Black Woman enough to demand them to pay me!

Well, end of my rants. As I laugh to Aqua Teen Hunger Force with MC Pee Pants going to Hayle again as Sir Loin.

The day after--To the random "concerned motorist"

I just had another birthday! Whoo hoo. I appreciate all my well-wishers! They were truly loving. Actually, this birthday was not as "introspective" as the one previously because this one was not a milestone birthday. And I had a wonderful time! No worries! My femaleness rebelled against me though, but it was all good. Thankfully, the body can be cleaned!

I convinced my loved ones to take me to the casino. I, like my mother, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the casino--especially, the penny slots. The thing about penny slots is it takes money to make money. Playing a penny at a time... LOL! Not going to happen if you want to win. To win, you got pay $1 of pennies (100 pennies) to win something.

Now if you believe NO ONE wins on any of these things... While I was at the casino, old crotchety lady in a walker won $47,000 (pre tax) at one of those machines!!!

I think the "eyes in the sky" were helping her out! (I know sour grapes).

Okey, I'm s'pose to write on something related to me being a "crazy black woman" and mental illness. What you, the reader may find that as many people who exclaim I'm crazy are the one's who are probably nuts themselves.

I got some lunacy sent to me from my state's transportation department, saying I got an infraction for driving in the HOV lane, per the report from a "concerned motorist".

The backstory: Look, in 1991, my identity was stolen by someone who impersonated me in a personalized licensed plated car that ran a red light without a license, insurance an no seat belt. The person gave my same first name & last name, same month and birth year--different day! When the person failed to appear in court, they ran the metrics through their database and my name came up and I got the notice. In 1991, NOTHING like that happened to me. When I called about the resolution of my case, the judicial system failed me and they told me there is a warrant out for my arrest. That was when I lost my composure and became fearful of going to jail for something I did not do!!! Provable by documents I held, not ever owning or driving that make of the car with a personalized vehicle license plate, nor the insurance covering that lunacy! Needless to say, all my identification material had to be changed from that time and I had to clean it up.

So I am VIGILANT when it comes to any report by any office of authority, especially that related to law enforcement.

My state has a "report a car" system. I think that is a violation of my privacy. The ONLY person who is to read anything on my car is a law enforcement officer who I pay taxes to support. I am not into this "Big Brother" tattling without specific training or ability to enforce the law anyhow? Then, there is so much road rage these days, some people report because they have a "score to settle" or a vendetta against various people. And do is stop the behavior? And who are they to stop it?

Here is this issue for me: THE ONLY PERSON THAT NEEDS TO READ ANY OF MY REQUIRED LEGAL DOCUMENTATION AS IT RELATES TO MY MOTORIZED VEHICLE IS A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER! I ONLY WANT INFORMATION FROM THE STATE THAT IS A DIRECT REPORT FROM THAT LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER! UNLESS I SPECIFICALLY REQUEST BY CERTIFIED RETURN RECEIPT AND NOTARIZED DOCUMENTATION, OR A LEGAL COURT SUBPOENAS IT, I DO NOT WANT SOME RANDOM "CONCERNED MOTORIST" VIOLATING MY PRIVACY OF MY VEHICLE INFORMATION! IT HAS BEEN REPEATEDLY SHOWN THAT EYE-WITNESSES ARE OFTEN BEREFT OF ACCURACIES OF THE REALITIES OBSERVED!!!

I don't know who has accused me? I deserve to look that person in the eye! To know my accuser! I don't know the times, dates, locations, etc. regarding how and when I committed this infraction? I do not drive that often, so I am not on the freeway daily and I would know if I was in the HOV lane or not--I have been driving for over 25 years! I have only driven in the HOV lanes when I had the required number of people in my car! So, when someone tattles on me to the State about what I do in the privacy of my own vehicle--and that means, s/he made a report to the transportation department, giving my vehicle license plate information, given my backstory, I worry that my identity has been compromised.

Now, if someone wants to wear the big shoes that I fill online, good luck! I'd like to meet that hacker, because that would be what it would take. And other online information stolen from me would be a crime ring which is probably on the FBI list. But, for some random "concerned motorist" is probably NOT a hacker/crime ring/etc. It is more likely someone who is selfish, egotistical, self-righteous, angry, vengeful, bigoted, and probably bashes others to get a leg up into the world. Usually these kinds of people get cancers, the spiritual people say that they have not let go or forgiven the sins of the past. It is worth it to report people who you think slighted you on the road, especially when you don't know them from a can of paint?

Which brings me to my female issues: Last year I had major woman's looksee surgery. Fortunately, I was healthy! And my female health is painful every month and it goes in waves, 2 apexes. Anywho, I could take several medications to regulate this process, but I just don't want to fight the side effects anymore. And what works is simple: physical exercise with a strong cardiovascular and isometric component, lots of water till thirst quenching, and mindfulness... It works better than any muscle relaxer or real pain pill given to me or whatever... When the migraines hit me 2-3 days after my femaleness, I do need powerhouse pills, but I have found that strong caffeinated beverages work better--in moderation.

So, now when I drive in traffic, I practice my mindfulness. I play my environmental music--also called "goat music" by the hub--and I respond to all angered driving from a place of peace. WOW! It works for me!!!

So, how am I making gross violations in the HOV lanes noticed by some "concern motorist" when I am driving my vehicle from that perspective? It does not make sense? I am unemployed, I have no benefits left, I don't have a job that would take me around an HOV lane, so, I just do not understand and I think it is foul to "rat out" your fellow motorists who drive when you are not a law enforcement officer. I can understand reporting an accident, or what happened to me, when someone got out of his car to beat up the driver in front of him. But, if someone who you feel ought not drive in the HOV lane, if the police officer pulls them over, hey, that's his/her ticket... Not yours! If you feel its your life's purpose to tattle on other drivers on what you think is an infraction, random "concerned motorist"--WOW! Dude you really need to get a life!