Sunday, August 16, 2015

#SHE: An Ode to The Black Woman

I think this is cute cos that’s all young men for you. We all feel the need for pairbonds and for love. Don’t miss your chance for it when you see it. And go into it with a positive outlook, even though it might become less than desired. No one is perfect. An intimate relationship in the bonds of marriage does take work. 

The criticism I have is as a Black woman, I don’t want to be diminished by my skin color. I’m not beautiful because I have melanin. Melanin accentuates my outwardly appearance that I have come to appreciate after my 47 years of life on this planet. I am beautiful because I’ve done lots of soul work shaped by my experiences in life, some based on racism and negativity, but also some based on love, compassion and care given to those I least thought cared that did not look like me. So to eliminate that is to be ungrateful and devalue me as a person. And when I see men say that to me, I cringe, because I know it’s not true. 

And then now I have a different perspective, because my husband who I married at a later age than most and we do not have children and he is a Black man, are incessantly mushy mushy goofy geeky silly in love. We don’t have a fantabulous life. I’m not doing my own thing like I was 15 years ago. He is the breadwinner of the home. There are reasons for that and ACTIVE choices I made and agreed to. Yes, I knew I was making these choices without knowing the end-game. But that’s life and nothing is promised. So you just move on and say, let’s make the best of what we’ve got and new memories. 

What can I say? Early in our marriage, my husband was learning how to handle my mood issues which is a very hard thing to do. He asked me, "What can I do to make you happy?"

I was in a breakdown pity party mood, tearful and my conscious woke up. I said, "Nothing." I could see his head drop, hurt, befuddled and confused. It was because he felt he had done everything he knew he could do to make me happy with him and my life happy. It was then I realized he did not understand the meaning behind my answer. I interjected. "You cannot make me happy, but you can contribute to my happiness and do things that make you happy. That in turn makes me happy for you. Because I like to see you happy, too."

He lifts he head and held me tight in his arms. That made me happy, and I think then, he realized my happiness was beyond purchasing items, but moments and experiences. My husband found my key to the "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. You may disagree with the author, but still is a good starting workbook for long-lasting love.