Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Near episodes: Frustration in "saving face" in #MentalIllness #Bipolar

Well can't say I did not know this day was NOT coming, because I knew it was. And I feel let down because I thought I could do something, achieve something, make something happen and I feel I have failed...

Wah wah wah!

Poor me...Some would say. But to say that to someone like me pushes me over the edge, it pushes someone like me with a bipolar diagnosis makes a difference in my life. I know I treat others as best as I can with as much fairness and kindness as possible. I also do not take a bunch of crap. There is a reason for that. After PhD grad school Hell, I will not or cannot take it again. It cuts years off my life.

Then again, I am in a cycle here and what I feel is going to pass...

I have lost too much for my decision to "save face", humbling myself = selling myself out. Devaluing myself. Opening myself toward abuse by less than sanctimonious people. No. I cannot do it anymore. I cannot prove who I am to people anymore. All I can be is me. All I can do is be the BEST me I can be.

Reality check: I am a pretty good person! I love my husband who loves me. I have a nice home. My physical health is excellent. I lost 25 lbs. I am just enthusiastic for my future!

All I have to do is make my business move. Keep it moving forward...

Stay blessed.