HOW am I going to reign in this anger when I am enraged? I have just incurred an unbelievable onslaught vicious attacks from out of nowhere and I must say I vehemently defended myself but I tell you my body CANNOT take this anymore.
First, in the initial stages of my anger, my blood pressure immediately spikes up. ALL the mindfulness in the world has left the building. Part of that has been the lack of fitness due to scheduling circumstances from my teacher and other activities I do. Even if I just walk on a treadmill is not sufficient enough for me, I need more training which my Karate class provides within structure. I cannot go missing more than a month.
Second, during my anger, in the midst of my rage--my battle, I think my hypertension increased by fight or flight response to a massive bolus of cortisol and other corticosteroids that immediately hits my mania in the form of anxiety and insomnia. I get SO ANGRY that I will fight to the END!!! What happens to me, though is my intense attack become irrational, illogical that I push EVERYONE away because I am that angry.
Third, the bad after taste and lingering effects of my anger, then these neuro-chemicals, hormones, exhaustion, fatigue all causes my body to collapse and the massive negative ruminating thoughts are harbingers from my battle. I know that this has occurred but I am clueless as to how I got there or why I let it happen. Because I am addicted to being in the midst of my rage, my battle, I thrilled through there without listening for my massive competitiveness that I want to annihilate my opponent, which is proper battle technique, anyway. I know that it is not proper technique, but I do not get what the alternative is? I think that this way because it is VERY DESTRUCTIVE to everyone involved. And that is when the remorse sets in when the battle has ended.
What makes links this anger issue link to diabetes. Classic type 2 diabetes are quick to be enraged. The body's misuse of sugars in the blood to organs, especially the brain may lead to the psychotropic enacting of rage. Most early prediabetics, which is possibly my line based on family history, have issues in modulating their moods, specifically that of bipolar, possibly the a 60%/40% split of MANIA to Depression. It is the mismanagement of the MANIA side that has a direct influence on diabetes in my professional opinion. My data from published papers show that in aging, the diet induced diabetic mice often were agitated, difficult to handle no matter the amount of entrainment done to them. The molecular biological effects may have to do with signal transduction mechanisms and phosphorylation of key components, including Sirtuins.
Then once the onslaught is done, the "buyer's remorse, genuflection" or sadness/depression that sets in is not just negative comments to one self, but what I am doing is the minute I eat something my body immediately rebels and massively sends out insulin that my body absorbs ALL the blood sugar post-prandially, causing immediate fatigue. When I was younger, I did not have this issue. But as I have aged, this issue is becoming apparent. The easiest way to explain it is I am still producing insulin, but my muscles cannot take the food from the blood sugar, so it sits there, then my body thinks I my blood has no sugar, so it makes more insulin, causing me to have blood glucose levels of 70 g/dl - HOW I AM FUNCTIONAL is beyond me!!! And I have been caught by physician-scientists. My other physicians write it off. Health Insurance! YAAY! Why I fought for reform.
When I talk to my friends and family about how I feel, I say uplifting things, but deep down inside my insecurity for the viciousness of my attack regardless of who is right or wrong is what causes me great shame. And I am vicious. I do not stop. It is such a thrill ride--a wave. It is my "dark side"...Consumed me it has... LOL!
Humor I have started to use more effectively as I have reached my 4th decade of life. Humor deflects many odd thoughts, good and bad. So I do not get back into that rote thinking--remembering words, phrases, scenes--the rumination that the brain does, that Dr. Jonn Kabat-Zinn says "just notice it and let it go..." in mindfulness exercises. Karate helps me.
But my diet, specifically times I eat are piss poor. I do not eat chips all day, but I literally did not eat one day out of my last rage episode. What worried me is after a tiny bit of eating I immediately fell asleep out of nowhere!!! THAT worries me!
Do I have diabetes now? Due to my mismanagement of bipolar issues?