It is killing us! It is killing me!!! I apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply for all sorts of jobs, everywhere, in other countries and because I don't know anyone, my entire network is MIA or never was one--guess what! I'm jacked. Thought my business would take off, it hasn't. I failed my coaching written exam & have to retake it now.
Then... My husband dumped on me again. What got me is he has NEVER used profane language towards me. He said, "Will you shut the fuck up..." I, walked away... Of course yelling, of course cursing back... But that is when communication is done. Sure, I've been on some mania. But it was not off kilter, I was not spending money like I have some! I have not going out all night. I may have stayed up to the wee hours in the morning doing redirecting my focus I have found quite enjoyable, BTW, but nothing dangerous, evading and harmful!
I could see if I screwed up my life, by having a bunch of out-of-wedlock kids, a crack addict and slammed my educational world and intellect into the ground. I chose to change my path. But it wasn't 2007 when I physically did it. I changed it when I married my husband in 2003.
I wanted to be married to this wonderfully nice man. My dating paradigm shifted, I loved thugs--at least you know where you stand. They torture your soul in love, but when craziness goes down, these fools are either involved or they getting out of it. You have to be a hard woman not to be loved by these men. You have not love yourself. You have to disrespect yourself, your understanding about the world and your trust must be absent. For someone like me, that is not hard to do--it has never been there.
A nice guy is a strange beast to us. They come into our lives filled with love and damaged women, like myself, drain them. Well, I have not been as bad as other women--so I have heard--hurting property, spending all the money on shoes, getting the men they love busted... I have principles to myself. I think I deserve love, I have worked hard on my educational pursuits, I have accomplished a charmed life, and I have several important people who say they love me.
What my husband did to me was devalue all that I am to him. Just an ability to make a funding source to pay off bills in the household so he can have all the fun. When I did have a job, we had nothing. It would be one thing if I asked for trips to Paris, with fur coats and diamonds. But those things are nice, but temporary. A woman that wants those things often has to pay that back in sexual favors. I did not want that for myself... So, I based my life off my education...
What has my education brought me? Joblessness! Years cut from my lifespan! Tears! Possible seizure disorder! Hypertension! Female problems! And for what? A formal education with titles? That's bullshit!
Now, I love science, but it is the people who practice science that I am not a fan of. I am learning to love writing again. I'm not a prolific writer, but I have something to say and what I say here is important if only to me...
I am learning something about Karate-do. Something I had NEVER thought I would do. But I did.
Then, I have seen a world I had never thought I would see or enjoy, which reconnects me with my childhood. And I think it also taps me into a what is missing in this world--the human love connection and its meaning...
Finally, I started a business that needs a business plan and I don't how to create a financial plan because I have zero idea how this business thing is suppose to work. But I do know it MUST work because so many Black Women--diverse women need it. I am uniquely positioned to deliver high quality consumables in mental health and wellness.