Look, I've been seeing a bunch of kneegrows bitching and moaning about what they're called: Black vs. African American. That is a DUMB argument to have! Why? Does someone else define who you are? Do you blindly agree to something, just because some one tells you? Do you believe everything your read, hear or see? Are your perceptions, what make you what you are?
As a scientist who studies molecular biological systems under evolutionary control on planet Earth, the observations I have made with gene-interactions and environment has indicated to me that this kind of question is superfluous to the understanding of the Universal nature of life. Regardless of what I believe or theorize who/what started life on this planet, the reality is that is planet is here now, so what are we going to do with it and how can we leave this planet better than we found it without corrupting, contaminating or killing life?
Bottomline, you are born into this planet, through no choice of your own, you live your life on this planet for the most part, and you will die on this planet. The Spiritual matters cannot be voir dired like that in scientist, which makes it a personal belief and subjective choice decision. But if you are living, you will die, maybe not now, but more than likely later, hopefully when you are old!
What is the point to engage in a dumbass fucktardery comments like I'm Black, no I'm African American? I hear it day in and day out in my social networks. The reasons for getting involved is range from personal beliefs in God, Jesus Christ, Biblical proportions, or you deny your heritage, smite your ancestors who died for you to say that, etc. It is like the folks who make these arguments actually think they have choices in what they can be called! In fact, a name given to you FROM someone else to DEFINE YOU!!! YOUR POSITION!!! YOUR STATISTICS!!! YOUR GOD!!!
Who in the HAYLE says THEY can define you? Someone who chooses to control you, subjugate you, minimizes your power over you. You can say God and Jesus Christ, but who is that god you worship--the god you think you are worshiping, praising, sanctifying, witnessing, or the ONE TRUE GOD that allows you the transcend into wisdom to help those less fortunate? Christ asked us to give up all your belonging--obviously, if you are reading this, you are on a computer, possibly your own, so what is up? Oh right, you further justify your corrupted mentality TOLD TO YOU by those who wish to control you... LOL!
What about the opposite? All those who have power, want to keep it... An Afrocentric ideology causes one to sacrifice integrity for "groupthink" and "collusion". It is an tip of a huge unstable iceberg that often leads to erroneous perverted conclusions. It is confrontational by nature to set people on edge and fails to bring humanity to a peaceful, contemplative, wise nature. Being Afrocentric does not mean you fail to clean yourself to be more down by some one who you thought TOLD YOU to do it--who wish to control you...
What is worse between these antagonistic groups is both are lucky to even be called Black OR African American--because really, racists and bigots can call you something else--often giving you your name, making you say it by beating you, leaving you destitute with nothing, but yourself. Your whole entire definition during the MAAFA killed your understanding to DEFINE the every essence of your being. So having this discussion is like 2 dogs fighting for spoiled scraps not even sufficient enough for nutrition to survive!
There is a better way to think about if you have definition problem of yourself and it is Afrikan-Centered, discovered by Dr. Marimba Ani. The Cultural Asili that starts the understanding of the utammaroho and utammawazo to develop a higher being, to become the Godheads to our rightful birthright. Not even I am at this myself. It is NOT a Buddhahood, because Ankh Shakti Imhoteps (Dr. Wade Nobles) showed that we share dualities in the Spirit and the Body. And it is the balance to achieve with 7 Chakras in ying/yang that we must maintain for a transcendent life (Dr. Llaila O. Afrika). I CHOOSE to call myself, African American--not because someone has TOLD ME to Control me through an unscrupulous untrained clergy--I rolled in those circles, so I know! No, I choose to call myself African because my genetic ancestry mandates it! I also choose to call myself American because my sociopolitical realizes it! But I choose to be HUMAN and WOMAN because the watoto, the future of Earth, The Asili--the Universe as called me into it!
The Universe will always remember, it never forgets. What you throw out into the Universe is what will come back to you, severalfold. If that is the God you INVOKE, then be responsible for your incantations and accept ANY outcome and consequence for your INVOCATION! Be careful what you ask for, though... LOL!
No... I refuse to be defined... I AM UNDEFINABLE BY YOUR STANDARDS! If you must find a way to define me for your small mind, THEN DEFINE ME AS ROYALLY DIVINE--FOR THAT IS WHAT I AM! I am indescribable with your little mind, undefinable, there is no dictionary definition of who I am. And once you think you have a definition of me, I metamorphose into something your mere cursory education cannot begin to comprehend!
I am your MUSE! And if anything I invoke all God's of great Earths.
Woye Hoye? Akeerah, Ashe.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
#BlackWomen #Research #Scientists while #Bipolar
I have decided that entrepreneurship is my last bastion of control I have for self-determination in selling a product and service I trust. My business: The Ariafya Universe is dedicated to healing diverse people with the intersection of science and mental health and wellness. I want this business because it all rests on me.
I am a former bench research scientist. I discovered a way to reduce cholesterol in the blood genetically through stem cells. I developed a way to keep heart function during congestive heart failure. I learned that the reason for type 2 diabetes by high fat, high sugar diet when on ages possibly has to do with signal transduction dysregulation from post-transcriptional levels. Lastly, I created a successful repeated test to determine blood pressure in genetically modified mice who were found to have decreased blood pressure. With all those studies and project all except for 1 were grossly depressing for me, costing me years of my life from stress.
In research, science is truly an enlightening and enthralling experience! It is one that unlocks those doors and secrets to an infinite natural wisdom and mechanism, which I truly found fascinating! Doing science for science sake... It was the system that decimated me. As evidenced by my research articles, it wasn't that I could not think, act, do science, because I made significant strides. It was the bureaucracy, the white male domination and machismo, politics and the fact I myself got seriously ill, which exacerbated my bipolar disorder--when I asked myself, after been accused of workplace hostilities inappropriate outbursts, but what I actually had was my boss said some racist things about me and I found out about it and when I confronted him--he lied, I asked what is the point? What is the point living life in destitution where I am questioned for my legitimate presence there. Then, when I was berated, ridiculed and demeaned in the laboratory from the Principal Investigators to the lab personnel because I was a Black Woman Scientist, I had no scientific answer!
No, in fact the inappropriate often ignorant, racist questions asked of me has ZERO to do with SCIENCE! Then hearing the confabulation of the heinous crime of scientific misconduct, drawing an ill conceived conclusion about a large swath of people through my low self-esteem bipolar answers without a shred of evidence is warped! At the time, I thought I was a personal attack and while I was naive, every bone in my body was set to prove these vile people called scientists wrong!
The greatest blow to my psyche and budding scientist career I have found is that I am a Black Woman asking intriguing scientific questions about the Universal natural order and forces, devoid of human definitions. What I bashed, crashed and smashed my head into disrupted the delicate, fragile imbalances that racism fabricated and distorted mired into scientific thought and theory about the reason for my existence--a Black Woman asking profound scientific questions, discovering novel scientific pathways as show repeatedly.
While insurmountable obstacles were set in my way, some I could not control--such as electricity dying during an experiment. And some others I could control--such as my response to ignorant and insensitive comments, that mentality kept me in the pursuit of science for science's sake for a long time. At the height of my progress in science, with the greatest support, in an excellent academic institution, my bipolar disorder literally knocked me down on the floor. I also saw the inconsistencies of the practice of science in the United States as irrelevant. Moreover, I found business people, venture capitalists and artisans more intrigued by my presentations than the scientist who destroyed all my being.
So now no more. I shall miss the free-loving viewpoint in science. The joy and thrill of solving a deeply puzzle or game like Tetris--graduate student fare. The transition to post-doctoral fellow who is told how worthless they are to the scientist, when better business practices could be implemented, such as marketing strategy for scientists. My strength is science is:
Taking complex health information and translating it into organic cosmic niches so that clients can choose to make their own informed health choices.
What is healthy eating? Why is it important? What is the importance of fitness? What does relaxation mean? What is the molecular genetic nature for that? Is it important or relevant? What would be the mechanisms? How come? How much of an impact does environment play on the molecular genetic factors? Is there an evolutionary reason for these factors?
So, I rather than lament my long lost life rather than on all my blogs, I decided to re-write that script. Become a CREATOR rather than a scientist. A scientist observes and waits for something to happen for discovery, then tests it. A CREATOR brings forth the created from scrapes and pieces of raw materials into a microcosm of an envisioned Universe. I make the rules, standards and spaces. I now know how biological systems work in concert in health and disease, so I think I can recreate a biological system of beauty in cyberspace and social media.
I am a former bench research scientist. I discovered a way to reduce cholesterol in the blood genetically through stem cells. I developed a way to keep heart function during congestive heart failure. I learned that the reason for type 2 diabetes by high fat, high sugar diet when on ages possibly has to do with signal transduction dysregulation from post-transcriptional levels. Lastly, I created a successful repeated test to determine blood pressure in genetically modified mice who were found to have decreased blood pressure. With all those studies and project all except for 1 were grossly depressing for me, costing me years of my life from stress.
In research, science is truly an enlightening and enthralling experience! It is one that unlocks those doors and secrets to an infinite natural wisdom and mechanism, which I truly found fascinating! Doing science for science sake... It was the system that decimated me. As evidenced by my research articles, it wasn't that I could not think, act, do science, because I made significant strides. It was the bureaucracy, the white male domination and machismo, politics and the fact I myself got seriously ill, which exacerbated my bipolar disorder--when I asked myself, after been accused of workplace hostilities inappropriate outbursts, but what I actually had was my boss said some racist things about me and I found out about it and when I confronted him--he lied, I asked what is the point? What is the point living life in destitution where I am questioned for my legitimate presence there. Then, when I was berated, ridiculed and demeaned in the laboratory from the Principal Investigators to the lab personnel because I was a Black Woman Scientist, I had no scientific answer!
No, in fact the inappropriate often ignorant, racist questions asked of me has ZERO to do with SCIENCE! Then hearing the confabulation of the heinous crime of scientific misconduct, drawing an ill conceived conclusion about a large swath of people through my low self-esteem bipolar answers without a shred of evidence is warped! At the time, I thought I was a personal attack and while I was naive, every bone in my body was set to prove these vile people called scientists wrong!
The greatest blow to my psyche and budding scientist career I have found is that I am a Black Woman asking intriguing scientific questions about the Universal natural order and forces, devoid of human definitions. What I bashed, crashed and smashed my head into disrupted the delicate, fragile imbalances that racism fabricated and distorted mired into scientific thought and theory about the reason for my existence--a Black Woman asking profound scientific questions, discovering novel scientific pathways as show repeatedly.
While insurmountable obstacles were set in my way, some I could not control--such as electricity dying during an experiment. And some others I could control--such as my response to ignorant and insensitive comments, that mentality kept me in the pursuit of science for science's sake for a long time. At the height of my progress in science, with the greatest support, in an excellent academic institution, my bipolar disorder literally knocked me down on the floor. I also saw the inconsistencies of the practice of science in the United States as irrelevant. Moreover, I found business people, venture capitalists and artisans more intrigued by my presentations than the scientist who destroyed all my being.
So now no more. I shall miss the free-loving viewpoint in science. The joy and thrill of solving a deeply puzzle or game like Tetris--graduate student fare. The transition to post-doctoral fellow who is told how worthless they are to the scientist, when better business practices could be implemented, such as marketing strategy for scientists. My strength is science is:
Taking complex health information and translating it into organic cosmic niches so that clients can choose to make their own informed health choices.
What is healthy eating? Why is it important? What is the importance of fitness? What does relaxation mean? What is the molecular genetic nature for that? Is it important or relevant? What would be the mechanisms? How come? How much of an impact does environment play on the molecular genetic factors? Is there an evolutionary reason for these factors?
So, I rather than lament my long lost life rather than on all my blogs, I decided to re-write that script. Become a CREATOR rather than a scientist. A scientist observes and waits for something to happen for discovery, then tests it. A CREATOR brings forth the created from scrapes and pieces of raw materials into a microcosm of an envisioned Universe. I make the rules, standards and spaces. I now know how biological systems work in concert in health and disease, so I think I can recreate a biological system of beauty in cyberspace and social media.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Quick #Mentalillness #Bipolar Episode: I hate Seattle 3
So I was thinking, the hub loves the BeJeezus of Seattle. The reason, he built his own life. I can empathized because he started here with very little, and through his tireless effort with some minor assistance with his family. He has reaped what he has sown and now he benefits!
Whereas, I moved here because of my husband and I thought our love in our relationship would sustain my loneliness here. But I would probably would feel that way if I was in a relationship or not or live anywhere in the Universe, I'd prolly feel lonely anyway!
So, I did this quick mental illness bipolar episode to see the ranges of my mood disorder.
I thought of this while walking back from the grocery story where the checkout people treat me shitty except for one. The bagger is mentally retarded so I should not be so hard. The checker is an asshole. Overall, it still makes me depressed to live in Seattle.
Then I don't feel passionately lonely like I did before. The other drug, Lamictal, has become effective. Meaning, the moods don't fluctuate as much as the one drug, Lithium, where I always felt extraordinarily depressed. Moreover, check out the time, so I might be rather manic. Lamictal side effect.
Such is the life of recovery...
Whereas, I moved here because of my husband and I thought our love in our relationship would sustain my loneliness here. But I would probably would feel that way if I was in a relationship or not or live anywhere in the Universe, I'd prolly feel lonely anyway!
So, I did this quick mental illness bipolar episode to see the ranges of my mood disorder.
I thought of this while walking back from the grocery story where the checkout people treat me shitty except for one. The bagger is mentally retarded so I should not be so hard. The checker is an asshole. Overall, it still makes me depressed to live in Seattle.
Then I don't feel passionately lonely like I did before. The other drug, Lamictal, has become effective. Meaning, the moods don't fluctuate as much as the one drug, Lithium, where I always felt extraordinarily depressed. Moreover, check out the time, so I might be rather manic. Lamictal side effect.
Such is the life of recovery...
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Relationships & my Bipolar
I am married and I love my husband. But this is a story about when I was young & single & pretty & cute & not confident & naive & ignorant & stupid.
In my early adult years: I was totally in love with this boy in college. He was my moon & stars. But he could care less about me. He treated me like a joke and I in return treated him back harshly. Then, when we graduated, he wanted nothing to do with me. I only saw him once or twice. Let's just say that I was unstable with my bipolar at the time.
After that debacle I put myself through, I was chased after in the club by this guy... He was 6'5" & 305 lbs! I looked up. I was to tiny back then. He was a sweetheart. But, I had called him one evening to ask when he was coming to pick me up & he was having a party with laughter & cajoling! I had just about finished my Master's Degree and I was sick of it. So two can play that game.
At the next "party" I attended, I met a guy. Now this one was handsome, personable, & so I thought, more my "speed". Something told me NOT to respond to this guy, not to answer his phone calls, but I suppressed it and I relished in the lifestyle!
This was another 4 year debacle. I was young, pretty, cute, smart, outgoing, had a lot going for myself if I concentrated on it, but I always felt something missing, like a relationship. But I did not have a clue how to have one. My bipolar often kicked in, while more stable than before, the haunts of my sordid past would arise. It wasn't the past failed relationships, it was the "free expression caught up whirl" - the "merry go-round" I got myself into and I didn't know how to get out. That hurt me worse than a bad relationship. Later, I found out, that a part of bipolar is inconsistent relationships with degenerate sexual partners--a part of mania--that's another story.
Anyhow, I shall call this person "Bart": hindsight is always 20/20. But somethings I only found out until much later. Such as, I found out he had beaten his previous girlfriend within an inch of her life. Bart had always been verbally abusive and a drunkard, but I was not fearful of him physically abusing me. That is not saying he would have not had done that to me, but that is one of the protective devices about having Bipolar, the anger and rage that sets in through the mania, which can cause a psychosis, is dangerous, too... Ignorant people label bipolar as criminal, that would be inaccurate, Bipolar is protective especially in psychologically and physically harmful or dangerous situations. A bipolar person may be crying after you pushed her or him down on the floor, beating her or him up, but you had better be careful about going to sleep at night...
I LET Bart say some of the craziness that was said to me, i.e. "I don't give a fuck about how you are doing..." or "What you are saying about your work is your fault and that's some bullshit!" I respond to harsh tones, it is the least of my enjoyment among other human beings. I strongly detest it when people verbally use harsh tones with me in their voice. It activates a fear cascade in my mind, wrapped in anxiety, that goes to an automatic routing system I am unable to control to this date. And that routing system is unpredictable. Sometimes, harsh comments roll off my back. Most of the times, harsh comments make me cry--not because I am weak, but because the next thing I might pick up is some scissors and I might just jam them into the offending person's head... THAT scares me, because I have a strong sense of moral obligation and following the rules. That is important to me and I don't want to hurt "God's Creatures". My compassion kicks in and overrides those grossly negative, enraged, resentful thoughts, suppresses them, then turns that anger onto myself, because I can take it, I have been doing it for 40 odd years and it works... But the bad side effects of doing that is my whole psychological balance is disrupted, pieces of myself shatter like glass. And I hit the other end of bipolar, depression, which is worse.
It is the motivation to not hurt people like I want to and the inability to evenly defend myself that causes my prolific crying. The crying is my moral compass, it says I am not an animal, I am a human being that loves, feels, cares and counts for something and for somebody. And when an asshole, like a "Bart", VIOLATES that space, all I can do is look defenseless and weak. Let's just say, it took me 15 years to figure this one out...
Nevertheless, Bart verbally abused me. He did it. I allowed this person into my life to verbally abuse me. An abuser and a bipolar--what a combination! While not unusual, because I know other women in similar situations, mine situation has a tinge of California Fast Lane Stardom: see Bart was "relatively famous"--he WAS a professional athlete and he played for the local team with stardom. His name was in the papers, he can be found on the internet. With that fame came the dazzling parties, the cajoling, the carousing, the talk of the town, the paparazzi, the social stratosphere, the VIP rooms. And as a young adult, to me that was worth all the verbal abuse.
The flip side to that is the cheating... Recent studies have shown that abusers often cheat or have multi-variate superfluous relationships. Bart thought he could cheat. What was ironic about that is who he cheated with was zero competition to me. But see, that's why our "relationship" was NEVER formalized as "boyfriend/girlfriend" or anything other than. I LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME! Something I have a very hard time forgiving about myself. Why? 3 years of "investing" into a friendship that I fantasized to advancing and I get nothing out it? What was I thinking? What I wanted was a meaningful relationship, but I did NOT know how to do that, so I had to make it up along the way. Bart was an dumbfucktarded pawn in all of this, he could care less about human relationships, he didn't love himself. I recall one time as a PhD student, I had called him and he said, "Well, if you respected me, then..." and I exclaimed, "RESPECT, RESPECT--YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL RESPECT!" and then he hung up on me.
Moreover, the cheating has upgraded to solicitous relationships these days. I hear of girls sleeping with girls--and they are not avowed lesbians nor support the lesbian cause--it is pornographic. Then they allow these young girls to be filmed and they wind up in some tabloid or youtube video. While in my younger days, some of that could have happened to me as my "almost famous" trials of "groupieism" started, I consciously squelched that possibility--because, having a PhD was more important to me than infamously obtaining my wealth through humiliation. And like I said, I have a strong moral compass, my family would have not gone for that. But wow, the times I could have chosen the "Big Time" through vicarious acts? That "Big Time" was short lived if I had selected that route... That is why I left it.
Nevertheless, Bart wound up cheating himself! There was this woman who was divorced from another very famous professional athlete that messed around with Bart. This woman was a gold-digger and she definitely did not mess around with no broke... And she chose the dumbest man on the team to play around with. Bart was it. Bart wound up getting this gold digger pregnant--let's just say this after the 1st OJ verdict--home girl was like, Nicole Simpson.
What got me is the way I found out. I told you in that day, I was so naive, ignorant and stupid. I could not see the telltale signs. The uptick in verbal abuse, the alienation, the "whatevers" and lack of communication, the only hanging out on weeknights vs. weekends, can only see you for 3-4 hours, etc., etc., etc. Moreover, I had also learned how to incorporate other avenues to my relationship happiness--I had learned how to cheat, so I was pre-occupied. And I still really cared for Bart. I would talk endlessly to him about my friends and some of them knew what had happened. But they also knew I had to learn for myself... Then oneday, Bart invited me to a game and I wondered why gold-digger was there--then saw she was 9 months pregnant--and dayum this PhD training: I put 2-and-2 together...
It took me year of constant crying myself to sleep at night--I was grieving the loss of the "fabulous life", my own selfish concocted greed, and how I alienated everything to be with this luser I had invested 5 years and my youth into my life. Oh, was I an idiot! Was I an ass!
Then, I proceeded to transform myself. I got my hair colored--I lightened by 5 levels, turned more red than the golden blonde I wanted. I started visiting a beloved aunt in Las Vegas more. I developed a closer relationship with my parents, oddly enough--they screened all my potential boyfriends. I finished up working on my degrees. I visited Paris, France! I'd take trips to nice places. I consciously invent reasons to be alone and not try to make relationships work. In fact, I had learned how to sabotage them. I invoked a 3 strikes and a 1 strike rules. 3 strikes if a guy failed to follow-through with me. 1 strike if a woman was involved. I did not date men who had small children--irregardless. Actually, I got angry emails about that, because a lot of Black men, who I preferred had children from previous situations. I did not care! I did not have children, so why do I need to deal with your inadequacies, really?
I learned how to not run up under any man by calling all the time or talking to him other than to set up another date. In fact, I went on a phone call fast, often. I wasn't interested in speaking to man, unless he has something interesting to tell me. Nor was I excited about any of his accomplishments--actually, if you are playing for keeps, you don't want to do this... It was all about me.com at this point! If he wasn't bearing gifts, he doesn't get to see me. End of discussion.
Then there was the intimacy part. When I was young, what did I know? But one day, I was reading a magazine at the hair salon and it talked about this concept called "The Tantra" and "erotica". So, hey, I read it... It was the advent of the internet, and pre-Google, so I looked it up, and as usual, the sex sites were there! But the Tantra was a bold new concept for me and the site was not as pornographic as it is today, and I read: John & Caroline Muir (no longer together) and Margot Anand books. I read how Spiritually cleansing and uplifting it can be to be intimate with one's partner. So, if one of the symptoms of bipolar is sexual degenerate relationships, and there is not medication to break that cycle, how does one break it? Under Westernized Medicine, one cannot, but I was also strongly into Complementary Alternative Medicine and had converted to a vegetarian after my "fall" that I was seeking a higher Spiritual plane, the Tantra taught me--but it cannot be it's acts, it has to be it's thoughts and compassionate faith--well, I am a very compassionate person just by virtue of having bipolar... Let's just let these energies flow together...
I was healed through the Tantra of my sexual indiscretions. I see it as giving my energy to the one I have invoked my compassionate love upon or shall I say Aloha Tantra Asante.
How does this help me surpass the Bart? Well, that person is a painful demon in my life, but now I see beyond all of that. If I were to meet him again, the conversation will be brief because really, he incapable of having a significant intellectual conversation at any level. And if I am with my husband? My husband's emboldened manliness will be asserted--my husband is so "happy go lucky" it would be like "whatever dude", "hang loose"!
And then after all the discovery & re-invention I have done... After all this soul-work I have made... WHY ARE THESE PAST LIFE MEN CHASING ME NOW??? I don't have any money! I'm married to a man who loves me and I love him, implicitly and completely. So, I don't get it? When I wanted a man to be in my life, none were to be found. When I least expected it and one of my lowest points, I found the greatest gem in my life. So why would I want to ruin it?
In my early adult years: I was totally in love with this boy in college. He was my moon & stars. But he could care less about me. He treated me like a joke and I in return treated him back harshly. Then, when we graduated, he wanted nothing to do with me. I only saw him once or twice. Let's just say that I was unstable with my bipolar at the time.
After that debacle I put myself through, I was chased after in the club by this guy... He was 6'5" & 305 lbs! I looked up. I was to tiny back then. He was a sweetheart. But, I had called him one evening to ask when he was coming to pick me up & he was having a party with laughter & cajoling! I had just about finished my Master's Degree and I was sick of it. So two can play that game.
At the next "party" I attended, I met a guy. Now this one was handsome, personable, & so I thought, more my "speed". Something told me NOT to respond to this guy, not to answer his phone calls, but I suppressed it and I relished in the lifestyle!
This was another 4 year debacle. I was young, pretty, cute, smart, outgoing, had a lot going for myself if I concentrated on it, but I always felt something missing, like a relationship. But I did not have a clue how to have one. My bipolar often kicked in, while more stable than before, the haunts of my sordid past would arise. It wasn't the past failed relationships, it was the "free expression caught up whirl" - the "merry go-round" I got myself into and I didn't know how to get out. That hurt me worse than a bad relationship. Later, I found out, that a part of bipolar is inconsistent relationships with degenerate sexual partners--a part of mania--that's another story.
Anyhow, I shall call this person "Bart": hindsight is always 20/20. But somethings I only found out until much later. Such as, I found out he had beaten his previous girlfriend within an inch of her life. Bart had always been verbally abusive and a drunkard, but I was not fearful of him physically abusing me. That is not saying he would have not had done that to me, but that is one of the protective devices about having Bipolar, the anger and rage that sets in through the mania, which can cause a psychosis, is dangerous, too... Ignorant people label bipolar as criminal, that would be inaccurate, Bipolar is protective especially in psychologically and physically harmful or dangerous situations. A bipolar person may be crying after you pushed her or him down on the floor, beating her or him up, but you had better be careful about going to sleep at night...
I LET Bart say some of the craziness that was said to me, i.e. "I don't give a fuck about how you are doing..." or "What you are saying about your work is your fault and that's some bullshit!" I respond to harsh tones, it is the least of my enjoyment among other human beings. I strongly detest it when people verbally use harsh tones with me in their voice. It activates a fear cascade in my mind, wrapped in anxiety, that goes to an automatic routing system I am unable to control to this date. And that routing system is unpredictable. Sometimes, harsh comments roll off my back. Most of the times, harsh comments make me cry--not because I am weak, but because the next thing I might pick up is some scissors and I might just jam them into the offending person's head... THAT scares me, because I have a strong sense of moral obligation and following the rules. That is important to me and I don't want to hurt "God's Creatures". My compassion kicks in and overrides those grossly negative, enraged, resentful thoughts, suppresses them, then turns that anger onto myself, because I can take it, I have been doing it for 40 odd years and it works... But the bad side effects of doing that is my whole psychological balance is disrupted, pieces of myself shatter like glass. And I hit the other end of bipolar, depression, which is worse.
It is the motivation to not hurt people like I want to and the inability to evenly defend myself that causes my prolific crying. The crying is my moral compass, it says I am not an animal, I am a human being that loves, feels, cares and counts for something and for somebody. And when an asshole, like a "Bart", VIOLATES that space, all I can do is look defenseless and weak. Let's just say, it took me 15 years to figure this one out...
Nevertheless, Bart verbally abused me. He did it. I allowed this person into my life to verbally abuse me. An abuser and a bipolar--what a combination! While not unusual, because I know other women in similar situations, mine situation has a tinge of California Fast Lane Stardom: see Bart was "relatively famous"--he WAS a professional athlete and he played for the local team with stardom. His name was in the papers, he can be found on the internet. With that fame came the dazzling parties, the cajoling, the carousing, the talk of the town, the paparazzi, the social stratosphere, the VIP rooms. And as a young adult, to me that was worth all the verbal abuse.
The flip side to that is the cheating... Recent studies have shown that abusers often cheat or have multi-variate superfluous relationships. Bart thought he could cheat. What was ironic about that is who he cheated with was zero competition to me. But see, that's why our "relationship" was NEVER formalized as "boyfriend/girlfriend" or anything other than. I LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME! Something I have a very hard time forgiving about myself. Why? 3 years of "investing" into a friendship that I fantasized to advancing and I get nothing out it? What was I thinking? What I wanted was a meaningful relationship, but I did NOT know how to do that, so I had to make it up along the way. Bart was an dumbfucktarded pawn in all of this, he could care less about human relationships, he didn't love himself. I recall one time as a PhD student, I had called him and he said, "Well, if you respected me, then..." and I exclaimed, "RESPECT, RESPECT--YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL RESPECT!" and then he hung up on me.
Moreover, the cheating has upgraded to solicitous relationships these days. I hear of girls sleeping with girls--and they are not avowed lesbians nor support the lesbian cause--it is pornographic. Then they allow these young girls to be filmed and they wind up in some tabloid or youtube video. While in my younger days, some of that could have happened to me as my "almost famous" trials of "groupieism" started, I consciously squelched that possibility--because, having a PhD was more important to me than infamously obtaining my wealth through humiliation. And like I said, I have a strong moral compass, my family would have not gone for that. But wow, the times I could have chosen the "Big Time" through vicarious acts? That "Big Time" was short lived if I had selected that route... That is why I left it.
Nevertheless, Bart wound up cheating himself! There was this woman who was divorced from another very famous professional athlete that messed around with Bart. This woman was a gold-digger and she definitely did not mess around with no broke... And she chose the dumbest man on the team to play around with. Bart was it. Bart wound up getting this gold digger pregnant--let's just say this after the 1st OJ verdict--home girl was like, Nicole Simpson.
What got me is the way I found out. I told you in that day, I was so naive, ignorant and stupid. I could not see the telltale signs. The uptick in verbal abuse, the alienation, the "whatevers" and lack of communication, the only hanging out on weeknights vs. weekends, can only see you for 3-4 hours, etc., etc., etc. Moreover, I had also learned how to incorporate other avenues to my relationship happiness--I had learned how to cheat, so I was pre-occupied. And I still really cared for Bart. I would talk endlessly to him about my friends and some of them knew what had happened. But they also knew I had to learn for myself... Then oneday, Bart invited me to a game and I wondered why gold-digger was there--then saw she was 9 months pregnant--and dayum this PhD training: I put 2-and-2 together...
It took me year of constant crying myself to sleep at night--I was grieving the loss of the "fabulous life", my own selfish concocted greed, and how I alienated everything to be with this luser I had invested 5 years and my youth into my life. Oh, was I an idiot! Was I an ass!
Then, I proceeded to transform myself. I got my hair colored--I lightened by 5 levels, turned more red than the golden blonde I wanted. I started visiting a beloved aunt in Las Vegas more. I developed a closer relationship with my parents, oddly enough--they screened all my potential boyfriends. I finished up working on my degrees. I visited Paris, France! I'd take trips to nice places. I consciously invent reasons to be alone and not try to make relationships work. In fact, I had learned how to sabotage them. I invoked a 3 strikes and a 1 strike rules. 3 strikes if a guy failed to follow-through with me. 1 strike if a woman was involved. I did not date men who had small children--irregardless. Actually, I got angry emails about that, because a lot of Black men, who I preferred had children from previous situations. I did not care! I did not have children, so why do I need to deal with your inadequacies, really?
I learned how to not run up under any man by calling all the time or talking to him other than to set up another date. In fact, I went on a phone call fast, often. I wasn't interested in speaking to man, unless he has something interesting to tell me. Nor was I excited about any of his accomplishments--actually, if you are playing for keeps, you don't want to do this... It was all about me.com at this point! If he wasn't bearing gifts, he doesn't get to see me. End of discussion.
Then there was the intimacy part. When I was young, what did I know? But one day, I was reading a magazine at the hair salon and it talked about this concept called "The Tantra" and "erotica". So, hey, I read it... It was the advent of the internet, and pre-Google, so I looked it up, and as usual, the sex sites were there! But the Tantra was a bold new concept for me and the site was not as pornographic as it is today, and I read: John & Caroline Muir (no longer together) and Margot Anand books. I read how Spiritually cleansing and uplifting it can be to be intimate with one's partner. So, if one of the symptoms of bipolar is sexual degenerate relationships, and there is not medication to break that cycle, how does one break it? Under Westernized Medicine, one cannot, but I was also strongly into Complementary Alternative Medicine and had converted to a vegetarian after my "fall" that I was seeking a higher Spiritual plane, the Tantra taught me--but it cannot be it's acts, it has to be it's thoughts and compassionate faith--well, I am a very compassionate person just by virtue of having bipolar... Let's just let these energies flow together...
I was healed through the Tantra of my sexual indiscretions. I see it as giving my energy to the one I have invoked my compassionate love upon or shall I say Aloha Tantra Asante.
How does this help me surpass the Bart? Well, that person is a painful demon in my life, but now I see beyond all of that. If I were to meet him again, the conversation will be brief because really, he incapable of having a significant intellectual conversation at any level. And if I am with my husband? My husband's emboldened manliness will be asserted--my husband is so "happy go lucky" it would be like "whatever dude", "hang loose"!
And then after all the discovery & re-invention I have done... After all this soul-work I have made... WHY ARE THESE PAST LIFE MEN CHASING ME NOW??? I don't have any money! I'm married to a man who loves me and I love him, implicitly and completely. So, I don't get it? When I wanted a man to be in my life, none were to be found. When I least expected it and one of my lowest points, I found the greatest gem in my life. So why would I want to ruin it?
Saturday, September 12, 2009
This ISHT Ain't KEWL!
Look, it's fine to disagree with healthcare reform and it can be done respectfully. But to have an "astroturfer", someone who seems like a disgruntled crazed protester--and he actually works for Prudential Insurance, there is no more debate. I don't want to discuss anything with this person. Why should I? Obviously, they are NOT operating on all cylinders. They are in serious need of psychiatric care. And I bet this person has a mental illness stigma his insurance, Prudential Insurance, would give him a "Cadillac Plan" before he becomes a felon.
Well, it wouldn't be unusual. The guy who shot President Reagan was long gone. And the power elite wanted to send him home now that he is medication stable. Well, the fact is someone who is mentally ill often leaves clues! Such as statements like these. The mentally ill are different from the serial killers/rapist. Mentally ill cannot logically explain their plans with a calm even keel voice. Most healthy people will see their glitches in their "master plans". Moreover, the thoughts that are verbalized or written in social media like, Twitter, are discordant--i.e. racing mind, all over that place with no focus and incoherent.
I've seen threats on social media before. It is either harming oneself or harming other people. In fact the kid who shot people at Virginia Tech in 2007 did exactly that. The young man who killed himself live on a video cam stated so on several of his pages. In fact, I have the screen shots somewhere.
Above is the screen shot of this man's one comment. I want him prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. It's time to get tough on crime! I want him to go to a psychiatric facility maybe.
But I also want to see if Prudential Insurance will drop him for psychiatric hospitalization like they did to me, many moons ago when I only wanted to harm myself? I want him to experience what NOT having healthcare means for those of us who support healthcare reform--especially for mental health care. I know the long arduous journey I have taken to regain my health and recover from this chronic condition. And I still struggle to keep my sanity, every day is a battle for meaning.
So I took all the energy of that struggle and flipped it into my entrepreneurial hopes. I'm moving slow and slowly making strides. Making differences in people's lives one by one. And solidarity among those of us who support all people who suffer from mental illness.
So what is up.
The boy's name is Eric Luke unsure of the realness of this person, but it's wrong either way.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
When the Mania Sets In--Cyberbullying--the Deal
So, I'm having mania symptoms. Random thoughts, lack of focus, spotty sight and inability to concentrate. I also use quite a few curse words than necessary to express myself.
Anyhow, I strongly support President Barack Obama, and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in that I want health care reform with the public option and no trigger! I'm for that!
As a health care "purveyor" (rather than direct provider), I want Americans to have access to health care: reduced costs, quality of care and affordability. I fully support that. I'm not worried about how to pay for this because people are suffering. When the house is burning, you don't way to ask how much the water costs to put douse the fire? The fact is, just like those wild fires in California, if it fails to be contained, the entire state, with every structure can be burned down, including the nerve centers, like nuclear power plants!
As a sufferer of bipolar disorder II, I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE OFF MY PSYCHOTROPIC MEDS! I've done it before. I set myself up for failure. My thoughts immediately become manic--within 1 week. I'm superhuman, I can do everything! I cannot be told how illogical my thoughts are, I don't listen to anyone. People who love me attempt rationalize with me, but when we are in "Dr. Gina Logic"--there is no logic to "Dr. Gina Logic". I set my expectations so high, that I will ultimately fail and the fall is so hard... I want to fight people, I want to do battle, I want curse everyone out. Then I have a propensity to cycle like a roller coaster, one minute I'm high, next I'm low, then high-low-high-low, et al.
That is NOT living. I cannot breathe through it in mindfulness. There is no yoga to concentrate through it. I cannot process why my illogical plan failed, which was of course FLAWLESS! HOW DID IT FAIL!!!! Then I look at my "intention" to help people--then someone asks, "how does it help"--I mow people over who are trying to just help me!
Today, I use my blogs and tweets. I actually enjoy it. I get good scientific articles and thoughts I could pursue and teach myself. I have conversations with some people I can learn new things. I'm vocal about my bipolar because I want others, like me, who silently suffer know they are not alone.
Being a crazy Black woman is not easy. I can't fake my symptoms, these are NOT symptoms one wants. There are other Black women who are crazier than me. I'm mild in comparison. But, I am one of the more educated Black women who is certifiably crazy and I had to embrace that about myself. Family says why would ANYONE say that? I'm sure someone would bash me, but they cannot hurt me for being honest and willing to help some young Black girl who didn't know how to find her way when she hurts so much--a pain that is inexplicably but easily can arrive to suicide... That's why I use social media.
As a result, there are people who disagree with my tweets. I appreciate someone who says, "I disagree" then says here's what I believe and why. I like that. What I do not like is outright cyberbullying without backing up comments. That nullifies any possibility of having a dialogue or desiring of having a dialogue. I don't want to speak to you anymore when I have been exposed to hatred for no other reason than I exist on this planet and that person hates me for that. That to me is psychotic and for another blog. Nevertheless, I get Tweets by people who outright make hateful comments to me in a form of cyberbullying to say mean and hurtful things to discredit me for little or no reason. One can ignore it and let people think what they want. If one chooses to ignore it in social media that gives others license to continue the hateful comments. That is the mature method and one who is mature can take these things as they come.
Well guess what, being bipolar sometimes doesn't make you mature and mania makes the anger worse... Moreover, there are no conversations--pretty much a yelling match laced with profanity.
The other way to handle it in social media is to pounce upon the disparaging comments with force. One can choose to outsmart her opponent--meaning argue on the opponent's terms... One can choose to concede to her opponent--meaning cowtowing to the opponents beliefs... One can choose to behave crazily to her opponent--meaning saying wild statements to where the public chooses to believe what they want. The point is to make a ruckus, so much so, that no one has a dialogue. Kind of like a civil rights protesting... The point is to make a scene and to run out people.
Social media cyberbullies will run the honest people out. The good people who enjoy debate and enjoy kind discussions. Does not happen with cyberbullies. The cyberbullies' goals are to overtake, overpower and dominate the discussion toward their selfish ideas. An egomaniacal agenda to advance their selfishness--aggrandizement.
Take for instance health care, some of the most sweeping changes ever made in 40 years. We are long due for a major upgrade. A lot of medical advances have been discovered in 40 years! We MUST do this upgrade or the United States cannot be competitive in this global economy. A sick soldier cannot inherently fight. A unhealthy person cannot do commerce, employment or contribute to the financial success of this country. People need to be healthy!
Attacks made upon President Obama like that of Steven Anderson, a pastor in Arizona, who says he hates the president and wants First Lady Michelle and daughters to be widowed. A religious person using the word hate... Hmmmm.... Then his parishioners carry guns with only an earshot of the President--his 2nd Amendment right--not a bright thing to do, but his 2nd Amendment right.
Then, mothers in some states refusing to allow her children to listen to the President's message about school--because they so-called disagree and think the President is indoctrinating her children. With children dropping out of school, in a free society, to learn concepts freely to advance the knowledge of Americans, is irresponsible!
I get cyberbullied by Tweets to point on this information is out of order. I can say my opinion, some of it professional, and folks are free to disagree. But calling me a "progressive weasel" without having a dialogue with me is ignorant. This person, named "Dear Citizen" on Twitter, has not met me and pointed me out in the "#" hashtags--hence painting me without me having a chance to defend myself.
Well, okay, I am mentally ill. I take medications to manage my pre-existing condition. My insurance cannot pay for anything I do to myself in managing my mental illness. So, if I commit suicide, Dear Citizen, blood will be on your hands. Because it takes me to have costly medications and therapist meetings to handle this illness, and I am going to go off my medication to show you what it is like to suffer the bigotry, racism and stigma you purport promulgating if you attempt to cause Health Care Reform with Public Option to fail! MY BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS! DEAL WITH IT, THE PRICE IS ON YOUR HEAD! AND IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE IT, YOU PICKED THIS FIGHT AND YOU WILL LIVE WITH MY DEATH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
See, because I have nothing to live for. I've lost my job, I'm unemployed and losing unemployment. I'm highly educated with a PhD in molecular biology and I'm told my degree with worthless because I got it due to affirmative action. That being said to me who fights depression daily to only be felt worse. So, I am a mentally ill desperate woman with NOTHING to lose! You chose this fight! That means you will have to explain yourself to all the people who actually do love me, just because I exist! My death will be on your head! So you better hope, I survive.
The flip side: GLOBALLY, OUR COUNTRY IS BEING WATCHED! "TERRORISTS" ARE WATCHING! AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO AIM ONE MISSILE OR FLY ANY PLANE INTO A BUILDING OR EXPLODE ANY PHYSICAL BOMB!
HURT ONE HAIR ON PRESIDENT OBAMA OR HIS FAMILY'S HEAD, THE WORLD WILL NOT TOLERATE IT! MARK MY WORDS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THE U.N. IS FOR? THE EUROPEAN UNION HAS MORE MONEY THAN THE UNITED STATES. RIGHT NOW, RUSSIA HAS MORE MONEY THAN THE U.S., CHINA DOES, TOO. THE WORLD IS WATCHING! DON'T SLEEP!
THINK ABOUT HURTING OBAMA... THINK CAREFULLY... SERIOUSLY... DON'T CARE ABOUT THE SECRET SERVICE, DON'T CARE ABOUT THE U.S. MILITARY, IT AIN'T ABOUT US BEING UNABLE TO PHYSICALLY FIGHT. IT'S ABOUT WE THE PEOPLE NOT COMING TOGETHER WHEN WE CALL OURSELVES A DEMOCRACY! WHY PROMOTE SOMETHING FOR A SELECT GROUP OF PEOPLE!
Yes, I'm off my meds and my lunacy is in effect. Deal with it!
YES, I am calling these fools out on this list. I expect it to get longer. The names are from Twitter
If anything were to happen to me due to lack of reform and cyberbullying that impacts me psychologically, when my friends and family look for causes, you are named as the cause for my mental health decline. Deal with it!
Anyhow, I strongly support President Barack Obama, and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in that I want health care reform with the public option and no trigger! I'm for that!
As a health care "purveyor" (rather than direct provider), I want Americans to have access to health care: reduced costs, quality of care and affordability. I fully support that. I'm not worried about how to pay for this because people are suffering. When the house is burning, you don't way to ask how much the water costs to put douse the fire? The fact is, just like those wild fires in California, if it fails to be contained, the entire state, with every structure can be burned down, including the nerve centers, like nuclear power plants!
As a sufferer of bipolar disorder II, I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE OFF MY PSYCHOTROPIC MEDS! I've done it before. I set myself up for failure. My thoughts immediately become manic--within 1 week. I'm superhuman, I can do everything! I cannot be told how illogical my thoughts are, I don't listen to anyone. People who love me attempt rationalize with me, but when we are in "Dr. Gina Logic"--there is no logic to "Dr. Gina Logic". I set my expectations so high, that I will ultimately fail and the fall is so hard... I want to fight people, I want to do battle, I want curse everyone out. Then I have a propensity to cycle like a roller coaster, one minute I'm high, next I'm low, then high-low-high-low, et al.
That is NOT living. I cannot breathe through it in mindfulness. There is no yoga to concentrate through it. I cannot process why my illogical plan failed, which was of course FLAWLESS! HOW DID IT FAIL!!!! Then I look at my "intention" to help people--then someone asks, "how does it help"--I mow people over who are trying to just help me!
Today, I use my blogs and tweets. I actually enjoy it. I get good scientific articles and thoughts I could pursue and teach myself. I have conversations with some people I can learn new things. I'm vocal about my bipolar because I want others, like me, who silently suffer know they are not alone.
Being a crazy Black woman is not easy. I can't fake my symptoms, these are NOT symptoms one wants. There are other Black women who are crazier than me. I'm mild in comparison. But, I am one of the more educated Black women who is certifiably crazy and I had to embrace that about myself. Family says why would ANYONE say that? I'm sure someone would bash me, but they cannot hurt me for being honest and willing to help some young Black girl who didn't know how to find her way when she hurts so much--a pain that is inexplicably but easily can arrive to suicide... That's why I use social media.
As a result, there are people who disagree with my tweets. I appreciate someone who says, "I disagree" then says here's what I believe and why. I like that. What I do not like is outright cyberbullying without backing up comments. That nullifies any possibility of having a dialogue or desiring of having a dialogue. I don't want to speak to you anymore when I have been exposed to hatred for no other reason than I exist on this planet and that person hates me for that. That to me is psychotic and for another blog. Nevertheless, I get Tweets by people who outright make hateful comments to me in a form of cyberbullying to say mean and hurtful things to discredit me for little or no reason. One can ignore it and let people think what they want. If one chooses to ignore it in social media that gives others license to continue the hateful comments. That is the mature method and one who is mature can take these things as they come.
Well guess what, being bipolar sometimes doesn't make you mature and mania makes the anger worse... Moreover, there are no conversations--pretty much a yelling match laced with profanity.
The other way to handle it in social media is to pounce upon the disparaging comments with force. One can choose to outsmart her opponent--meaning argue on the opponent's terms... One can choose to concede to her opponent--meaning cowtowing to the opponents beliefs... One can choose to behave crazily to her opponent--meaning saying wild statements to where the public chooses to believe what they want. The point is to make a ruckus, so much so, that no one has a dialogue. Kind of like a civil rights protesting... The point is to make a scene and to run out people.
Social media cyberbullies will run the honest people out. The good people who enjoy debate and enjoy kind discussions. Does not happen with cyberbullies. The cyberbullies' goals are to overtake, overpower and dominate the discussion toward their selfish ideas. An egomaniacal agenda to advance their selfishness--aggrandizement.
Take for instance health care, some of the most sweeping changes ever made in 40 years. We are long due for a major upgrade. A lot of medical advances have been discovered in 40 years! We MUST do this upgrade or the United States cannot be competitive in this global economy. A sick soldier cannot inherently fight. A unhealthy person cannot do commerce, employment or contribute to the financial success of this country. People need to be healthy!
Attacks made upon President Obama like that of Steven Anderson, a pastor in Arizona, who says he hates the president and wants First Lady Michelle and daughters to be widowed. A religious person using the word hate... Hmmmm.... Then his parishioners carry guns with only an earshot of the President--his 2nd Amendment right--not a bright thing to do, but his 2nd Amendment right.
Then, mothers in some states refusing to allow her children to listen to the President's message about school--because they so-called disagree and think the President is indoctrinating her children. With children dropping out of school, in a free society, to learn concepts freely to advance the knowledge of Americans, is irresponsible!
I get cyberbullied by Tweets to point on this information is out of order. I can say my opinion, some of it professional, and folks are free to disagree. But calling me a "progressive weasel" without having a dialogue with me is ignorant. This person, named "Dear Citizen" on Twitter, has not met me and pointed me out in the "#" hashtags--hence painting me without me having a chance to defend myself.
Well, okay, I am mentally ill. I take medications to manage my pre-existing condition. My insurance cannot pay for anything I do to myself in managing my mental illness. So, if I commit suicide, Dear Citizen, blood will be on your hands. Because it takes me to have costly medications and therapist meetings to handle this illness, and I am going to go off my medication to show you what it is like to suffer the bigotry, racism and stigma you purport promulgating if you attempt to cause Health Care Reform with Public Option to fail! MY BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS! DEAL WITH IT, THE PRICE IS ON YOUR HEAD! AND IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE IT, YOU PICKED THIS FIGHT AND YOU WILL LIVE WITH MY DEATH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
See, because I have nothing to live for. I've lost my job, I'm unemployed and losing unemployment. I'm highly educated with a PhD in molecular biology and I'm told my degree with worthless because I got it due to affirmative action. That being said to me who fights depression daily to only be felt worse. So, I am a mentally ill desperate woman with NOTHING to lose! You chose this fight! That means you will have to explain yourself to all the people who actually do love me, just because I exist! My death will be on your head! So you better hope, I survive.
The flip side: GLOBALLY, OUR COUNTRY IS BEING WATCHED! "TERRORISTS" ARE WATCHING! AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO AIM ONE MISSILE OR FLY ANY PLANE INTO A BUILDING OR EXPLODE ANY PHYSICAL BOMB!
HURT ONE HAIR ON PRESIDENT OBAMA OR HIS FAMILY'S HEAD, THE WORLD WILL NOT TOLERATE IT! MARK MY WORDS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THE U.N. IS FOR? THE EUROPEAN UNION HAS MORE MONEY THAN THE UNITED STATES. RIGHT NOW, RUSSIA HAS MORE MONEY THAN THE U.S., CHINA DOES, TOO. THE WORLD IS WATCHING! DON'T SLEEP!
THINK ABOUT HURTING OBAMA... THINK CAREFULLY... SERIOUSLY... DON'T CARE ABOUT THE SECRET SERVICE, DON'T CARE ABOUT THE U.S. MILITARY, IT AIN'T ABOUT US BEING UNABLE TO PHYSICALLY FIGHT. IT'S ABOUT WE THE PEOPLE NOT COMING TOGETHER WHEN WE CALL OURSELVES A DEMOCRACY! WHY PROMOTE SOMETHING FOR A SELECT GROUP OF PEOPLE!
Yes, I'm off my meds and my lunacy is in effect. Deal with it!
YES, I am calling these fools out on this list. I expect it to get longer. The names are from Twitter
If anything were to happen to me due to lack of reform and cyberbullying that impacts me psychologically, when my friends and family look for causes, you are named as the cause for my mental health decline. Deal with it!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Running on empty! Having Less Than 4 hrs of Sleep
When I don't sleep and I am severely sleep deprived and fail to fall asleep, I have mania to a paranoia and conspiracy delusions. Sometimes I incite arguments or discuss random incoherent stream of consciousness thinking. Why, as I write this blog, it is exactly what is going on with me.
So, for my readers, you are in for something special! Means I am in rare form! You don't get Dr. G- in bizarre behavior mode with scattered thinking/racing thoughts out there. I also do multi-tasking. So I'm watching re-runs of Adult Swim's Robot Chicken, while typing and speaking to my loved ones!
I have a slight headache underneath my eyebrows. It's a dull headache. Then, I have my menstrual cycle--I know TMI--but it plays a HUGE role in the manifestation of mental health issues. So, this mania is interesting.
Anyhow, I have this conspiracy theory hunch that the reason why President Obama is squelching the public option deal for health care reform is because during his vacation, his family was threatened by psychotic wingnuts. I say that because something was odd about how the Secret Services said that they have never seen so many threats against a sitting POTUS and that the threats against President Obama has gone up 400%--that is significant!!! So beside the usual deranged "I'm gonna kill you" dumbfucktarded letters, something psychotically worse must have gotten to them. I mean it's sad that assholes feel they have to maim a duly elected individual and his family. How is a POTUS suppose to protect his family when the SS says it's never seen any thing like this and it's increased 400%--WTF! That's just crazy!
Welp that's just my manic paranoid delusion with less than 4 hours of sleep in 36 hours while menstruating.
But to those Wingnuts who can only say dumbshit to us progressives on Twitter to get your rocks off! If you fuck this health care reform for us, I will personally find out where you live, curse your ass out, make sure you lose reproductive organs with the recombinant viruses I will hack on you. Then I will convince some harden convicts who ain't got nothing to lose to evict all the items from your house and your vehicle, what's left of it to be lifted, then burned.
Then, I will call every government agency audit your absent funds, and report all your movements, just to be the asshole you turned out to be. If you follow me, I will call 9-11 and lie! I will take out a cease/desist order with a restraining order. I will do whatever it takes to make you suffer the pain that million who work hard and go into bankruptcy due to a health concern they did not ask for!
That is why hateful twitters have to pay me $100 for my response. And I'm a Crazy Black Woman enough to demand them to pay me!
Well, end of my rants. As I laugh to Aqua Teen Hunger Force with MC Pee Pants going to Hayle again as Sir Loin.
So, for my readers, you are in for something special! Means I am in rare form! You don't get Dr. G- in bizarre behavior mode with scattered thinking/racing thoughts out there. I also do multi-tasking. So I'm watching re-runs of Adult Swim's Robot Chicken, while typing and speaking to my loved ones!
I have a slight headache underneath my eyebrows. It's a dull headache. Then, I have my menstrual cycle--I know TMI--but it plays a HUGE role in the manifestation of mental health issues. So, this mania is interesting.
Anyhow, I have this conspiracy theory hunch that the reason why President Obama is squelching the public option deal for health care reform is because during his vacation, his family was threatened by psychotic wingnuts. I say that because something was odd about how the Secret Services said that they have never seen so many threats against a sitting POTUS and that the threats against President Obama has gone up 400%--that is significant!!! So beside the usual deranged "I'm gonna kill you" dumbfucktarded letters, something psychotically worse must have gotten to them. I mean it's sad that assholes feel they have to maim a duly elected individual and his family. How is a POTUS suppose to protect his family when the SS says it's never seen any thing like this and it's increased 400%--WTF! That's just crazy!
Welp that's just my manic paranoid delusion with less than 4 hours of sleep in 36 hours while menstruating.
But to those Wingnuts who can only say dumbshit to us progressives on Twitter to get your rocks off! If you fuck this health care reform for us, I will personally find out where you live, curse your ass out, make sure you lose reproductive organs with the recombinant viruses I will hack on you. Then I will convince some harden convicts who ain't got nothing to lose to evict all the items from your house and your vehicle, what's left of it to be lifted, then burned.
Then, I will call every government agency audit your absent funds, and report all your movements, just to be the asshole you turned out to be. If you follow me, I will call 9-11 and lie! I will take out a cease/desist order with a restraining order. I will do whatever it takes to make you suffer the pain that million who work hard and go into bankruptcy due to a health concern they did not ask for!
That is why hateful twitters have to pay me $100 for my response. And I'm a Crazy Black Woman enough to demand them to pay me!
Well, end of my rants. As I laugh to Aqua Teen Hunger Force with MC Pee Pants going to Hayle again as Sir Loin.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The day after--To the random "concerned motorist"
I just had another birthday! Whoo hoo. I appreciate all my well-wishers! They were truly loving. Actually, this birthday was not as "introspective" as the one previously because this one was not a milestone birthday. And I had a wonderful time! No worries! My femaleness rebelled against me though, but it was all good. Thankfully, the body can be cleaned!
I convinced my loved ones to take me to the casino. I, like my mother, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the casino--especially, the penny slots. The thing about penny slots is it takes money to make money. Playing a penny at a time... LOL! Not going to happen if you want to win. To win, you got pay $1 of pennies (100 pennies) to win something.
Now if you believe NO ONE wins on any of these things... While I was at the casino, old crotchety lady in a walker won $47,000 (pre tax) at one of those machines!!!
I think the "eyes in the sky" were helping her out! (I know sour grapes).
Okey, I'm s'pose to write on something related to me being a "crazy black woman" and mental illness. What you, the reader may find that as many people who exclaim I'm crazy are the one's who are probably nuts themselves.
I got some lunacy sent to me from my state's transportation department, saying I got an infraction for driving in the HOV lane, per the report from a "concerned motorist".
The backstory: Look, in 1991, my identity was stolen by someone who impersonated me in a personalized licensed plated car that ran a red light without a license, insurance an no seat belt. The person gave my same first name & last name, same month and birth year--different day! When the person failed to appear in court, they ran the metrics through their database and my name came up and I got the notice. In 1991, NOTHING like that happened to me. When I called about the resolution of my case, the judicial system failed me and they told me there is a warrant out for my arrest. That was when I lost my composure and became fearful of going to jail for something I did not do!!! Provable by documents I held, not ever owning or driving that make of the car with a personalized vehicle license plate, nor the insurance covering that lunacy! Needless to say, all my identification material had to be changed from that time and I had to clean it up.
So I am VIGILANT when it comes to any report by any office of authority, especially that related to law enforcement.
My state has a "report a car" system. I think that is a violation of my privacy. The ONLY person who is to read anything on my car is a law enforcement officer who I pay taxes to support. I am not into this "Big Brother" tattling without specific training or ability to enforce the law anyhow? Then, there is so much road rage these days, some people report because they have a "score to settle" or a vendetta against various people. And do is stop the behavior? And who are they to stop it?
Here is this issue for me: THE ONLY PERSON THAT NEEDS TO READ ANY OF MY REQUIRED LEGAL DOCUMENTATION AS IT RELATES TO MY MOTORIZED VEHICLE IS A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER! I ONLY WANT INFORMATION FROM THE STATE THAT IS A DIRECT REPORT FROM THAT LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER! UNLESS I SPECIFICALLY REQUEST BY CERTIFIED RETURN RECEIPT AND NOTARIZED DOCUMENTATION, OR A LEGAL COURT SUBPOENAS IT, I DO NOT WANT SOME RANDOM "CONCERNED MOTORIST" VIOLATING MY PRIVACY OF MY VEHICLE INFORMATION! IT HAS BEEN REPEATEDLY SHOWN THAT EYE-WITNESSES ARE OFTEN BEREFT OF ACCURACIES OF THE REALITIES OBSERVED!!!
I don't know who has accused me? I deserve to look that person in the eye! To know my accuser! I don't know the times, dates, locations, etc. regarding how and when I committed this infraction? I do not drive that often, so I am not on the freeway daily and I would know if I was in the HOV lane or not--I have been driving for over 25 years! I have only driven in the HOV lanes when I had the required number of people in my car! So, when someone tattles on me to the State about what I do in the privacy of my own vehicle--and that means, s/he made a report to the transportation department, giving my vehicle license plate information, given my backstory, I worry that my identity has been compromised.
Now, if someone wants to wear the big shoes that I fill online, good luck! I'd like to meet that hacker, because that would be what it would take. And other online information stolen from me would be a crime ring which is probably on the FBI list. But, for some random "concerned motorist" is probably NOT a hacker/crime ring/etc. It is more likely someone who is selfish, egotistical, self-righteous, angry, vengeful, bigoted, and probably bashes others to get a leg up into the world. Usually these kinds of people get cancers, the spiritual people say that they have not let go or forgiven the sins of the past. It is worth it to report people who you think slighted you on the road, especially when you don't know them from a can of paint?
Which brings me to my female issues: Last year I had major woman's looksee surgery. Fortunately, I was healthy! And my female health is painful every month and it goes in waves, 2 apexes. Anywho, I could take several medications to regulate this process, but I just don't want to fight the side effects anymore. And what works is simple: physical exercise with a strong cardiovascular and isometric component, lots of water till thirst quenching, and mindfulness... It works better than any muscle relaxer or real pain pill given to me or whatever... When the migraines hit me 2-3 days after my femaleness, I do need powerhouse pills, but I have found that strong caffeinated beverages work better--in moderation.
So, now when I drive in traffic, I practice my mindfulness. I play my environmental music--also called "goat music" by the hub--and I respond to all angered driving from a place of peace. WOW! It works for me!!!
So, how am I making gross violations in the HOV lanes noticed by some "concern motorist" when I am driving my vehicle from that perspective? It does not make sense? I am unemployed, I have no benefits left, I don't have a job that would take me around an HOV lane, so, I just do not understand and I think it is foul to "rat out" your fellow motorists who drive when you are not a law enforcement officer. I can understand reporting an accident, or what happened to me, when someone got out of his car to beat up the driver in front of him. But, if someone who you feel ought not drive in the HOV lane, if the police officer pulls them over, hey, that's his/her ticket... Not yours! If you feel its your life's purpose to tattle on other drivers on what you think is an infraction, random "concerned motorist"--WOW! Dude you really need to get a life!
I convinced my loved ones to take me to the casino. I, like my mother, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the casino--especially, the penny slots. The thing about penny slots is it takes money to make money. Playing a penny at a time... LOL! Not going to happen if you want to win. To win, you got pay $1 of pennies (100 pennies) to win something.
Now if you believe NO ONE wins on any of these things... While I was at the casino, old crotchety lady in a walker won $47,000 (pre tax) at one of those machines!!!
I think the "eyes in the sky" were helping her out! (I know sour grapes).
Okey, I'm s'pose to write on something related to me being a "crazy black woman" and mental illness. What you, the reader may find that as many people who exclaim I'm crazy are the one's who are probably nuts themselves.
I got some lunacy sent to me from my state's transportation department, saying I got an infraction for driving in the HOV lane, per the report from a "concerned motorist".
The backstory: Look, in 1991, my identity was stolen by someone who impersonated me in a personalized licensed plated car that ran a red light without a license, insurance an no seat belt. The person gave my same first name & last name, same month and birth year--different day! When the person failed to appear in court, they ran the metrics through their database and my name came up and I got the notice. In 1991, NOTHING like that happened to me. When I called about the resolution of my case, the judicial system failed me and they told me there is a warrant out for my arrest. That was when I lost my composure and became fearful of going to jail for something I did not do!!! Provable by documents I held, not ever owning or driving that make of the car with a personalized vehicle license plate, nor the insurance covering that lunacy! Needless to say, all my identification material had to be changed from that time and I had to clean it up.
So I am VIGILANT when it comes to any report by any office of authority, especially that related to law enforcement.
My state has a "report a car" system. I think that is a violation of my privacy. The ONLY person who is to read anything on my car is a law enforcement officer who I pay taxes to support. I am not into this "Big Brother" tattling without specific training or ability to enforce the law anyhow? Then, there is so much road rage these days, some people report because they have a "score to settle" or a vendetta against various people. And do is stop the behavior? And who are they to stop it?
Here is this issue for me: THE ONLY PERSON THAT NEEDS TO READ ANY OF MY REQUIRED LEGAL DOCUMENTATION AS IT RELATES TO MY MOTORIZED VEHICLE IS A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER! I ONLY WANT INFORMATION FROM THE STATE THAT IS A DIRECT REPORT FROM THAT LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER! UNLESS I SPECIFICALLY REQUEST BY CERTIFIED RETURN RECEIPT AND NOTARIZED DOCUMENTATION, OR A LEGAL COURT SUBPOENAS IT, I DO NOT WANT SOME RANDOM "CONCERNED MOTORIST" VIOLATING MY PRIVACY OF MY VEHICLE INFORMATION! IT HAS BEEN REPEATEDLY SHOWN THAT EYE-WITNESSES ARE OFTEN BEREFT OF ACCURACIES OF THE REALITIES OBSERVED!!!
I don't know who has accused me? I deserve to look that person in the eye! To know my accuser! I don't know the times, dates, locations, etc. regarding how and when I committed this infraction? I do not drive that often, so I am not on the freeway daily and I would know if I was in the HOV lane or not--I have been driving for over 25 years! I have only driven in the HOV lanes when I had the required number of people in my car! So, when someone tattles on me to the State about what I do in the privacy of my own vehicle--and that means, s/he made a report to the transportation department, giving my vehicle license plate information, given my backstory, I worry that my identity has been compromised.
Now, if someone wants to wear the big shoes that I fill online, good luck! I'd like to meet that hacker, because that would be what it would take. And other online information stolen from me would be a crime ring which is probably on the FBI list. But, for some random "concerned motorist" is probably NOT a hacker/crime ring/etc. It is more likely someone who is selfish, egotistical, self-righteous, angry, vengeful, bigoted, and probably bashes others to get a leg up into the world. Usually these kinds of people get cancers, the spiritual people say that they have not let go or forgiven the sins of the past. It is worth it to report people who you think slighted you on the road, especially when you don't know them from a can of paint?
Which brings me to my female issues: Last year I had major woman's looksee surgery. Fortunately, I was healthy! And my female health is painful every month and it goes in waves, 2 apexes. Anywho, I could take several medications to regulate this process, but I just don't want to fight the side effects anymore. And what works is simple: physical exercise with a strong cardiovascular and isometric component, lots of water till thirst quenching, and mindfulness... It works better than any muscle relaxer or real pain pill given to me or whatever... When the migraines hit me 2-3 days after my femaleness, I do need powerhouse pills, but I have found that strong caffeinated beverages work better--in moderation.
So, now when I drive in traffic, I practice my mindfulness. I play my environmental music--also called "goat music" by the hub--and I respond to all angered driving from a place of peace. WOW! It works for me!!!
So, how am I making gross violations in the HOV lanes noticed by some "concern motorist" when I am driving my vehicle from that perspective? It does not make sense? I am unemployed, I have no benefits left, I don't have a job that would take me around an HOV lane, so, I just do not understand and I think it is foul to "rat out" your fellow motorists who drive when you are not a law enforcement officer. I can understand reporting an accident, or what happened to me, when someone got out of his car to beat up the driver in front of him. But, if someone who you feel ought not drive in the HOV lane, if the police officer pulls them over, hey, that's his/her ticket... Not yours! If you feel its your life's purpose to tattle on other drivers on what you think is an infraction, random "concerned motorist"--WOW! Dude you really need to get a life!
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