Right now, I do not have a job. Therefore, I have no income from someone else, like a boss, paying me to do a job. I was laid off in October, 2008. I have not worked since that time. I have repeatedly looked for a variety of positions that I thought I would like, give me forward movement, change my perception, etc. I dislike my job in 2008 because of several reasons. First, it was tedious and lack intellectual challenges that I needed to keep me engaged. Second, I think I got tired of expending some much thought energy to something I got little happiness or satisfaction out of. You know how the pundits say, do something you love, even if you do not get paid--you still enjoy it? Well, that job I had, I hated every day of it. Hence the reason I got laid off after wasting ~5 months of my life.
Another issue is you know how at a certain age, you feel you should be somewhere in your life after hard work and effort? I have been in school since being school-aged. My entire life has been devoted to learning. I have gotten some rewards to attaining my educational degrees. I have small experiences related to career-worklife. But where I lack those concepts, I make up for the wonderment of my ideas. I don't know how I get them, whether I ponder ideas or they just pop into my head, the fact remains, that I think many of my thoughts are marketable and can make money given a chance.
The other issue is I hit my intellectual peak. There are so many sp1 orbitals I want to remember. I do not want to know if the Kreb's cycle intermediates generate the correct isotopemers. Nor do I care for the specific activity of C-14 intermediates in catheterized human cells to estimate turnover. I cannot remember if F=ma or the current = voltage X resistance. I just do not want to think that way anymore. I cannot do it anymore, so when I have to read the scientific articles, I have become illiterate. Not by choice. But, by some sort of stroke induced mental block. If I think about it, I become stressed and stroke out and that part of my brain is wasted... It doesn't mean I cannot go back to it, but lately within the last 2-3 years, I cannot read, study, understand and discuss these hard core scientific studies anymore. I cannot, and I will not. I am in a state of rebellious pre-contemplation...
I KNOW there are some things I can do. I can organize people well! I love planning events related to learning and find sponsors and supporters. I know how to connect people up and network with them. I are really good at listening and I am getting better every day. I can use motivational interviewing techniques with appreciative inquiry to propel people forward to become their best mental health and wellness self.
I love coaching my practice clients. I could do it even if I do not get paid to do it. I like seeing others happy through the work I have done. I love making others joyful and happy. That makes me happy and joyful.
And while, what gives me my gratitude is often underappreciated, I keep helping those who want and need my help. I keep doing it in the midst of my own pain. I might look like a doormat, but I see it as soul-work for myself. Spirit work for a higher cause. I see this as my penitence for the damages I incurred through my mental health disorder and the utmost desire for self-hurt and suicide. I never thought God would lead me to my "peace", but God surprises me again! Just like I never thought He would lead me to a husband, but in His own time, he did.
So that is how I know I am doing what I am suppose to be doing. Living the life as He has asked me to. If God chooses to remove me from my situation, I just pray it will not be in utter suffering and pain. I ask to tiny joys. I am not asking to be rich beyond all my dreams, I just ask for wisdom to help others who suffer. And while I am not a direct healer, like a clinician, I feel I am becoming a "guru healer" "wise woman", that when all else has not worked, I am the one who can find a way to heal through the power within.
I do not really want to be all that famous, however, I want to touch the lives of all I engage. I just want to help... And that is where I am now...
