#HCR Let the NICKELING & DIMEING begin!

I got some BS from my Health Insurance "company" of possible charge my physician ordered. One of the pollution destructive non eco-friendly terms sent by paper said the following dysfunction:

Thank you for your e-mail.

Due to the state's budget shortfall, the Health Care Authority (HCA) increased the costs of certain benefits, deductibles, and out-of-pocket maximums for enrollees.

The HCA mailed plan change notices with the open enrollment plan offerings to all state eligible employees during the months of September, and October 2009. Open Enrollment ended November 30, 2009. You may refer to the Web site [redacted] for additional information and frequently asked questions.

At its July 8, 2009 meeting, the HCA and [redacted: employees] approved several changes to premiums, members' costs for benefits, and eligibility to take effect January 1, 2010.

One of the changes is the newly added $250 annual deductible to your Group Health PEBB Classic[redacted] plan. The deductible applies to most services, including diagnostic laboratory services which are not covered in full until the deductible is satisfied. Services provided are processed under your coverage, with the appropriate cost share applying for the service. In your case, your laboratory services were applied to your deductible.

You may reference the complete PEBB Classic plan Certificate of Coverage (COC) on our Web site http://www.ghc.org/health_plans/pdf/ClassicActiveCOC10.pdf, listed under Health Plans, and then selecting State Employees (PEBB). To access the COC, select the Rates and Benefits link. You can select to view a summary of benefits or the complete COC, both documents are Portable Document Format (PDF) files.[redacted]

Surgery, with outpatient hospital charges listed on your Explanation of Benefit (EOB) is due to the category of medical billing codes are classified under. There are physician based, and surgery among theses categories. For example, coding for services which break the skin, including a blood draw, instrumentation used for probing, or removal of skin lesions are listed under the surgery category. This is due Group Health's[redacted] "compliance" with the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) of 1996. HIPAA is a Federal statute designed to improve the efficiency and effectiveness of healthcare data usage by setting national standards for communicating data, protecting patient privacy, and for assuring the security of electronic patient information. It does not imply you had a surgical procedure; however, Group Health cannot provide a detailed explanation of the service you received on your EOB's or Patient Financial Services (PFS) statements.

Outpatient laboratory charges are listed as the place of service where your laboratory analysis was provided, specifically our Group Health Central Specialty Outpatient Laboratory, located at our Capitol Hill Campus in Seattle. Our Central Specialty Outpatient Laboratory is a hospital based facility.[redacted]

We thank you for your patience while we are completing implementation of our new computer software system, and we anticipate all the Group Health medical center locations will be able to collect payments at the time of service by the end of May 2010 with many locations now being able to process payments now.

Since your date of service was at the end of March, claims may take four to six weeks to process under your PEBB Classic health plan. Once the claim is completed it may take up to 14 business days to have your PFS account updated to indicate your final patient responsibility. Our records indicate you receive your PFS statements on or around the last or first week of each month.

I apologize for any confusion this matter may have caused, please let me know if I can provide any further assistance or explanation.

Mkay...When is a blood draw a surgical procedure? And how am I getting charged for standard laboratory procedures after some bizarre deductible is reached that are required for diagnosis that my physician ordered? If I don't get these standard laboratory procedures done, I cannot get my medication to manage my chronic condition because the physician cannot make an accurate diagnoses without the required laboratory work. I know THAT much!!! So, this insurance MAKES people get the laboratory work by withholding their medication prescriptions...Good thing, because it is important to track the patient progress.

My problem is with billing. Fair remuneration for the expense. I went from not paying anything for necessary laboratory work, to having to PAY EVERYTHING UNDER MY HUSBAND'S INSURANCE DUE TO MY UNEMPLOYMENT DUE TO BEING LAID OFF BY ASSHOLES WHO JACK THEIR WORKERS to now being hurt by the very institution I have asked to keep me sane from the drama I incurred!!!

That information is CRAP! And they KNOW it. They are NICKELING and DIMEING the American people on Health Care Reform. AND THEY KNOW IT!!! Resistant to the end. They're not even TRYING to help people. What they are doing, it saying FUCK IT and go FUCK YOURSELF Dick Cheney style. Money-grubbers!

My husband works HARD to pay for Health Insurance for both of us. In fact he works for the same ASSHATS that I worked for and attempts to try to help find cures and treatments for major diseases and chronic conditions. As professionals with doctorates, this place has done a GROSS DISSERVICE to supporting US citizens holding advanced degrees. A GROSS DISSERVICE!!!

So, what can I do?

1. BROADCAST THIS--RETWEET...LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT THIS IS THE KINNA BULLSHIT THESE HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES ARE PULLING!!!



2. I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS THIS I WANTED FIXED! YES I WANT TO BE SPECIAL AGAIN! YES I WANT TO BE TREATED AND WORSHIPED LIKE A GODDESS BECAUSE DAMMIT I'M A GOOD PERSON!!! I DO TRY!!!



3. THIS IS ABOUT INJUSTICE! I DID NOT RUIN MY 2009 SUMMER FOR HEALTH CARE REFORM FOR SOME DUMBTARDED ASSHAT TO GIVE ME THIS RUN-AROUND CRAP THAT I GOT ABOVE!



4. LASTLY, I WANT THESE PEOPLE TO KNOW THEY HAVE VIOLATED THE CULTURAL DETERMINANTS OF HEALTH, STIGMATIZED MENTAL HEALTH CARE AND WELLNESS AND HAVE FAILED TO SUPPORT PATIENTS RIGHTS!

Meet my lists of demands!!! C'mon, I dare you! Don't meet them, every chance I get I will develop Tourette's Syndrome and will announce your laziness in public and lambaste you on Twitter and every social media outlet I have access to. Pay me off and I will still do it... That is NOT how you treat a volunteer for your "Living Well With Chronic Disease" classes...That's just wrong!!! I don't care about how woefully discrediting your efforts are, you have DONE ME WRONG AND I AM SICK OF IT!!!

I am sick of these teabaggers dictating policy when they haven't suffered day 1 of ill health!

#Bullying: Cultural Competency A PPT presentation...

Parents you're in luck. I made a presentation in January, 2010 this year to young people at a college fair on cyberbullying and what to do about it, located HERE

So with that in mind as a freebie service, please download my actual presentation made and give me feedback here! I appreciate it.

Psycho-Tweet: What they don't tell you in school, Health and Wellness by Dr. Gina

Enjoy

Addiction... How many of us are them? #MentalHealth

The definition of Addiction is:

The state of being addicted; devotion; inclination; A habit or practice that damages, jeopardizes or shortens one's life but when ceased causes trauma; A pathological relationship to mood altering experience that has life damaging consequences
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/addiction

Who knows, there may be a Twitter addiction here. Nary to I write in my Real Life Twitter account. Have too much reality to consider. There are things I am adjusting in my real life that has motivated me enough to go back to school, which I find more interesting.

OR

Maybe I'm just having a very long manic episode, which is could be true, but for 3 months?

I must apologize for my lack of presence here. But I have some proof of how a little cyberbully drives me to show people that they are wrong about me... And now what do I have to show for it?

It was the same in grad school in molecular genetics. Some dumbfucktarded, asshats said I couldn't do science. I went to the ends of the Earth and beyond to prove them wrong and what heinously tortured both mentally and physically for it. By the time I graduated, which was too long for anyone in a Ph.D. program, I was in that which is similar to PTSD shock... Everything was slow moving...

When I finally got a position, I again worked my butt off, spending the night in the lab to make sure an experiment worked with radioactivity--dayum specific activity--ask to calculate it now, I couldn't give a shit. Then I fainted--which begged the question, why am I donating myself to science when science has no love for me???

So I got married THAT is about the ONLY thing that is working in my life. It was a bumpy rode to start, but we're OK...That's because I lost my job. And while I do my duty for unemployment, the brunt of the economy just sucks MR. PRESIDENT!!!

Research funds at the major institution I work for go to scientific misconduct allegations! I have yet to find complete embracing from a professor except for 1--and he ran out of money. Most of his colleagues are idiots!!! And I am into cardiovascular disease.

If I tried to get a job with anyone in Cardiovascular disease...I could, but I would be unhappy. I'm tired of research science and it is tired of me...

The niche...Science Fiction and I'm not the only displaced research scientist that feels this way!

There needs to be more fundamental scientific underpinnings with all the new SciFi movies being made. It's like the asshat creationists took over the industry to prove that H2O is not made of 2 hydrogens and an oxygen...Um??? Huh??? Because God made it that way...Right...Okay...

The fact that God doesn't care about science, nor maybe vice versa, ought to suggest something to the asshat morons to science.

The minute you suggest science, they clam up--saying it is the Debil...Well let me tell you, I've seent he Debil in science during my research and s/he's a bitch! Fucking up all your data in one false swoop. Where one has to consider publishing in the "Journal of Irreproducible Results".

Well, I did all this BI (Before the Internet), before blogs, before twitter, before all that other stuff on the web. I was web 0.0... Like EI Galaxy... So really, I just don't know anymore, but I think I have something to contribute in making movies have some plausibility with science. If you're going to make a sci fi film, why not speak to the scientist???

And I know one who needs to be hired!!! I charge $100 per hour... *smiles*

Bringin' to you live! EPISODE ALERT! #bipolar #depression #WOC

I am still dealing with a lack of a job. I have little money. I need a job. But I can run up under every single lead to see them all fail. Moreover, I am not the only one! My husband wants me to find something, anything--even part-time. I would if it was commensurate to my education level.

I tell you what makes me happy: RP, the organization of it, setting it up in a positive manner. And this is evolving rapidly! Think I might be ready to ask for SBA loans to purchase a site license, get on specialized writing courses with professional review with graphic novel script writers. I am excited about this and it came very easy to me. I did not struggle. In fact other criticize me and I am excited to get feedback!

I am upset, disheartened and angry at my husband because I just got back to live with him in PacNW after 3 weeks in SoCal with my folks. I was just about to get a professional position at a major university, but I favored my husband over a job. Now that I am back, I am a financial burden for my husband.

When my husband says I need a job, I feel angry and frustrated because I want to contribute my fair share but the economy is horrific.

I love what I am doing with this RP though, I wish I can share this excitement with you all.

If you like to know more, follow us on Twitter: @GoddessAST_Lah

It is related to Star Wars

I. AM. #LIVID & I HATE #SEATTLE 4 & WHY I WON'T DO BIOTECH ANYMORE!!!

1st let me start off, I wrote the I HATE SEATTLE series as a vent-release-humor piece for myself--YES, I AM BEING SELFISH!!! If you chose not to read & want to criticize, the support my efforts by paying me to leave!!! Minimum bid is $100!!!

2nd I WILL NOT GO BACK TO WORKING FOR ACADEMIC RESEARCH AFTER THE TORTURE THEY PUT MY LOVED ONE IN TODAY!!! At a major university for which I got fired from for lack of money and that my partner currently works for that shall remain nameless, a high-level professor had cheap post-doc slaves to totally botch a major rat experiment losing more than half their animals to poor post-op surgical procedures. My guess as speculation--no pre-opt was in place, the surgeon is an M.D. and the post-doc slaves really did not know what the fuck they were doing...What is worse is a secondary surgical procedure was done without the approval of the Institutional Animal Care and Use Committee (IACUC) as Federally Mandated for all academic institutions that use NIH (i.e. taxpayers) funds...The people my partner works for and with "discovered" these illegalities and reported it to the Office of Laboratory Animal Welfare (OLAW)...Then had to clean up the mess that asshats make!

What pisses me off is that this is the kind of researchers that this major academic institution wants to promote rather than someone like me who knows that animal research always needs to be optimized for maximum benefit in science! But I guess this major academic research institutions FAILS to think that. Hmmm maybe that's why the eco-terrorist animal rights PETA psychos go off their medications, then--huh?

(((REDACTED))) {REMINDER MANTRA: NO BLAME, NO BLAME, NO BLAME...WHAT WILL BLAMING SOLVE???}

Needless to say I. AM. LIVID

I HATE SEATTLE 3 #AfricanAmericaWomen are TRASH!!!

Watch this first on the savage beating of young teens fighting in the Seattle Bus Depot in the presence of lazy security guards who failed to call police for assistance...



Now I know many people who were born here, grew up here and love it here. And while this activity is viewed as ghetto and unbecoming of any lady the fact remains that the insolence and mistreatment of the assualt victim whether she instigated it or not, still does not mandate the trashing and inhumane treatment by authorities responsible for the civil conduct under the bus depot as manifested by the security guards. EFF policies in place--KIDS DO NOT NEED TO FIGHT IN ANYONE'S BUS DEPOT!!! Fighting ruining the safe experience for ALL bus riders. The rules are bogus!

Looking at the security video it is obvious that the young ladies are women of color--based on the way their hair is styled--I can tell they are African American girls. With such low self-esteem of African American Women in the Greater Seattle Area in general, where there are a handful of positive African American women succeeding in the space, these kinds of acts show that denigration mentality that this place stereotypes against ALL women of color! Moreover , there is NOTHING in place to bolster these young ladies or support them. There is ZERO activities in the school when the superindent is an African American woman. So much for education in the Seattle School District! YAAY!!!

We have all 4 major African American Sororities present and they barely have functional programs in the schools to basic things as etiquette and protocol. Then there is a program done by the Boys and Girls Club--but because it is not basketball court then it is poorly attended. There is zero consistency with the level of expectation. And rites of passage programs fail to uplift young Black women and become rote and the response rate is poor comparable to traditional meccas: Atlanta, Washington DC, Chicago, Dallas and Los Angeles.

When are we, as Black people going to get over ourselves in the Greater City of Seattle? Should we get over it and why? It all makes it another reason why I HATE SEATTLE 3!!!

From the mouths of babes #Mentalhealth #Stigma

I just got home from a college fair for teens. I was asked to serve on the Health Forum to discuss health issues while in college. My talk was on social media and college. I talk about the good things social media provides and the less than desirable things in social media like cyberbullying.

Anyhow, I ran a discussion on suicidal threats. As expected, from the mouths of babes, roughly 18 years old, stated that:

"Suicide is a selfish act that people do..."

Aside from this statement being very judgmental by a bunch of ranting teenagers, I listened to them state all kinds of reasons why the the threat or act of suicide is the most "selfish" thing to do to oneself...

Then is dawned on me that they had not clue that the brain is sick, and it requires treatment...Then I said:

"When someone posts or threatens suicide, it is a medical problem and it requires a healthcare provider to treat the problem physically..."

Their eyes widened when I said "medical" and it "required treatment". They were blown away that depression, anxiety, bipolar, PTSD, etc. causes physical brain damage.

Now, I know they learned this mode of thinking from Family, but it was the age of these young people that I heard these statement...So young, so much misinformation...

I was saddened by that...

EPISODE ALERT WARNING TRIGGER: Job applications...

NO ONE PAY ME!!! All the money I make is through my business. I am fine building my business. But I've been building for almost 2 years and while I am more than thankful to have the few members I do have, women and women of color...

Mental health and wellness is owed to everyone who seeks professionally licensed care.

My business is online, social media all formats: Ning, Twitter, Linked In, etc.

I am getting huge pressure from family and friends who think it is okay for a boss to PAY you for a job. I am NOT EVER having my life decided by market conditions of someone else's privy. Then I am not going to go back to school for anything else. I hate tests! I get a severe anxiety and I cannot do this anymore!

I think some of my time is productive. More of my time can be productive. But where life is going is right where it needs to be. Blessings and praises.

When I survey my job prospected globally, there is just nothing when you know few people who can make any decisions. I made a choice to shift careers, I know that, but I didn't think it would take me 2 years for my dream to become realized. I feel like a sorry welfare queen with little money and 4 kids by 5 different men...

But what I have here is zero kids, 1 hard working husband who complains about me not having any money ever, but allows me to write, fight and try to do my dream.

Did I say I was a massive Star Wars Fan...Yepper since 1979 when I wrote that letter to Mr. Lucas and I got one back from his team. One day, I will scan that letter and show the image. It's totally haute!!! Why I deferred that dream, who knows. I probably bought into the bullsith I am bought before now!

I can apply and apply for jobs, online, offline and in person. But nothing makes me happier than to write these crazy non canon Star Wars tales. I crank them out within 2 weeks. I have written 2 now: well, 1 full story currently under review by professionals, then another 1 in script form--for later on Twittering to see if the dialogue works...Thing is I cannot do this by myself, I need fellow Role Playing Tweeple who can act a role to participate, alas, I seem to piss off the kids who do this sort of thing.

Which is actually kinna funny, because I really do not like too many kids around me--when I say kids they are younger they say they are 18 to 25 years old and guess what, they think they KNOW EVERYTHING!!! TEENAGERS!!!

AND they change the rules! It's like that one cartoon that my husband and I got frustrated by--Yugioh, with cards...

Oh well...That's my lowly life. I am a Cougar who interacts with young people and I don't like this life unless it's my own rules, my own way...I feel that I am old enough to do this...I have the experience. I have done the right thing my entire life and what did it bring me? No job, barely a functional marriage, and joy in my life. And writing stories in a Universe I grew up loving and enjoying, why can't I find it here? What's wrong with social media...

My Guide to Parents on #StarWars #Roleplayer Accts on #Twitter #Cyberbullying & Precedent

Seriously, parents need to know this and what better way to bring it to you that for me to explain how I got cyberbullied as an adult. Now while I can use introspection and reflection based on my skill set, experiences and education, I FEEL for the awkward young person who had not had positive enriching experiences and desire it through this form of social media.

As a research scientist, I explore, discover and analyze molecular relationships. That is my training for my PhD. What my doctorate gave me is not only the intricate understanding of cholesterol flux to the outside of the plasma membrane in reverse cholesterol transport to HDL and ABCA1 and ABCG1, or the concretizing genetically modified mouse systems to understand the development of cardiovascular disease in the heart, diabetics, aging and vessel walls--no--I gave me a way to take a new discovery and develop the framework of elaborating on a whole new Universe in science. It is what we scientists do on the edge of discovery! It gives us our reason for living. It is the driving force for pursuance to gain a foothold into the evolution of the Universe.

However, barriers would put up from out any consideration of evolution. Unlike laws changing or taking in new data to supplant the old, Roleplaying organizational structure remains unchanged because IMHO the psychological insecurities to expands one's powers into a new understanding of the Universe. I am somewhat like a Galileo, who proposed the Earth revolves around the Sun and the Earth is round!

I am a fan of Star Wars, I have not hidden that fact since I presented it months ago. And strongly, I feel that the marketing of Star Wars is missing vast swaths of Fans who value justice, diversity and femininity. The women are too stylized, they are not diverse and they are "damsals in distress" who are unable to find liberation and defend themselves. Moreover, the only liberating factor they have is the use of their bodies to combat the atrocities beset upon them. Is is not about fighting back physically, it is about the audacity of self-preservation! A woman has a right to control her own destiny, her body and her livelihood! But if you hang out with a few of the current Roleplayers--you would quickly learn how untrue it is...

I have been called an idiot, moron and dumbass in the same sentence without any knowledge or acquisition of my heritage, background and experiences. It is like these RP'ers have failed to do their homework... Okay, like the collegiate professor I have been, I educate to give them the critical framework to make an informed choice, to come back to with peer-reviewed reference material and present a proposed changes... Oh, I guess I am taking away from their fun... Only a handful of people are decent enough to have a genteel interaction with me. I wish I was God-Modding or RetConning or Deus Ex Machina... Did I say HANDFUL?

What if I was 16 years old, trying something new, attempting to fit in to something I loved only to be mobbed?

Well, I pick the pieces of people's shattered pain after the loss of a loved one to suicide almost daily and I tell these people I am NOT qualified to help--they need real-time professionally licensed assistance. Sadly, that does not occur... DeeAnna Merz Nagel is a social worker and president of the American Counseling Association runs the largest online mental health therapy. Her work is unprecedented and clearly shows how people are incorporating social media into understanding their mental health. It is beyond WebMD that does have a social media component but is top heavy with loads of consumer information. DailyStrength is another good online mental health resource. And my online mental health resource is geared to women of color, at this point and I am expanding to men...

But when I hear the heart-wrenching stories of NOT KNOWING about someone's son or daughter who committed suicide because of the mobbing, hostility and cyberbullying online and the child internalizes it and cannot move forward with daily living--cavalierly saying get off the computer is not enough--their psychosociology is already intricately tied to social media. People tend to do that. It is NOT gambling proclivity, I doubt that dopamine incursion is increase to a point of addiction, what it is a personality issue that required a more robust examination. IF I decided to stay in research, I would develop a strategy, clinical trial and rubric to understand the molecular nature... Otherwise, right now I can only speculate.

If it was done to me and I am old...I can be done to your child without any protections in place...

Let me be honest, there are places I must hold respect to running and organizing their Star Wars roleplayer boards: The Force.Net, BioWare's Knights of the Old Republic (KOTOR) and (KOTORMMO), and BioWare's Star Wars The Old Republic (SWTOR). Their roleplaying requires detailed knowledge of a character as a requirement to play based on the "Dungeons and Dragons Roleplaying Guide" a decent framework on how to roleplay, but has little academic investigation as to why it works. I think if your child wants to do this, ask them to show you in writing what his/her character is, explain to you in ways you understand so as to provide to the safety on social media sites.

I do not participate in Force.net, KOTOR or SWTOR because my characters are extremely sexually explicit. Their stories CANNOT be told without that fact. It is not to override their rules for the gross explicit nature of graphic novelizations, it is to answer a question about the sexual relationships in the Star Wars Universe and how come they are overlooked with there are several key characters who obviously have children... It is to provide solace to those women who have been sexually traumatize and give them a way back to love, back to a some semblance of normality and it is a way for a young girl to avoid the pitfalls of falling into a sexual trap of domineering men. When I see how I was cyberbullied and the devaluation of my "sentience" it is no difference that my experiences with workplace hostility, violence, conflicts and mobbing. It was no positive forward communication within all my attempts to deescalate the conversation: using positive framing, reflective listening and compassionate presence. I was unable to determine what the underlying comments were other than "do what I say, or else"--or else what? And due to the domineering nature of 1 particular member, I was ridiculed and shunned. Now see, that hurts even at 40-something--what gets me is a child... It could be YOUR child and you will not know why...

Here is why: Twitter does not limit the number accounts one person can have. That is an easy fix these days. It is not in their policies to do so. Twitter also has had problems with cyberstalking that can turn into physical stalking. Trusting people dole out information to others they feel they have a rapport and that person turns out to be not the mentality expected. Currently, all users can have a block on their accounts.

For my roleplayer accounts, I have to certify you to accept your follow, but there is not user-defined pre-screen--maybe, "why do you want to follow me?" or what ever the user defines. But currently locked accounts is the way anyone can limit who follows your words.

Direct messaging is often used, if there is a direct message and what must be said is greater than the 140 character limit, often one sends an email account. PLEASE have your child to create a character specific user account and NOT the personal email account. If need be, purchase a new domain name through services that support it and have emails forwarded. BUT do not have your child give out their own personal email account to their own Facebook, Myspace, etc until YOU verify it.

And as always, MONITOR your child's use of social media. Young people are so wired that often adults cannot keep up with the latest technology--now it is the iPhone, Droid applications. They get on the internet and use that technology. Do not ask me how they pay for it because seriously, I do not know... But please, MONITOR it! Ask them how it works. I have asked young people who I have encountered to leave due to the subject-matter content I discuss. I have informed them what my limitations are. But I am the few. I have said to young people under 18 years old, that they do not need to follow my accounts and to inform their parents of their activities. These kids have reassured me it is cool, but I stop them! Those are my ethics.

I have been working with young people for my entire adult professional life, I have "grown up with them" as my life changed and now, as an older adult, with the young people I have seen born and are growing and I want the best for them, I will protect them viciously as much as their parents. Not to be a second parent, but because I know the injustice and harm out there and I have personally experienced it, and I just do not think anyone needs to go through what I have suffered and the rebuilding efforts I had to do.

I hate when I am right... On this one, I pray I am wrong...

Dr. G-

#Bipolar 2nd Episode...I gotta sleep!

I AM TIRED!!! I can't sleep & I am excited! I have to go into Hospice this morning. I may need a computer fast...LOL!

Well, drama unfolds in the strangest of place. Never expected it. I'm doing bad things on the computer again, but it is so fun and I've been told by pros not to do it. But, I like it and it's fun. But it may be too all-consuming.

I don't like when other people assess their judgment on me. I HATE IT in fact. Because, who are you to say there is a problem when you're unaffected by my actions? Whatever dudes! I could see if I was hurting you, but I'm only hurting myself and it ain't like you give a flying fuck! So, what's up?

I am just tired of the dumbshit! Yeah...DAYUM SKIPPY I'M HAVING AN EPISODE!!!

Bashing Women & My Guide to Role-Playing on Twitter

Within the last 2 months, I have taught myself how to "roleplay" or makebelieve characters in fictional genres. My characters are invariably strong women, who have undergone such strife and are battling to remove themselves from their strife to lead more meaningful lives.

The historical background of my characters resonates from my life, the feminine side of my family--ancestors who made a way out of no way--who endured, suffered, humiliated, demeaned and oppressed so much, that I FEEL their stories must be heard! Moreover, my characters have the names of Goddesses because that is how I see my characters and the composite feminine energies they rightfully deserve.

In 2009 I read so much on domestic violence against women and heard extraordinary triumphs overcoming tough situations from women that I decided to create my characters that emulated that. I used names that MEN worshiped and died for--Goddesses!!!

NEVER thought men would be intimidated by that notion--the very presence of a self-assured, highly accomplished and powerful woman. Men attempted to dominate, even on Twitter over women, subjugating them to profanity, spreading gossip and rumors to beholding a strong woman into their will! Another name is cyberbullying.

What shocks me it is thought that the Goddesses would women who once existed and overtime they became legendary and transcended to the rightful Deities that humans around the world still worship!

Here are the Goddesses names I have chosen as my characters:

AST = Au Set = Isis: the Goddess of motherhood, magic and fertility. She recreated a humanity in such a way out of no way, in honor of her husband, Osiris. Through her love she immaculately conceived Heru = Horus. Today she is the framework of Mary the Mother of Jesus based on the alters that were spread throughout the Greco-Roman empire...

Yemaja: is an orisha, originally of the Yoruba religion, the ocean, the essence of motherhood, and a protector of children.

Osun'oya: is the combination of 2 Orishas, Osun: a spirit-goddess (Orisha) who reigns over love, intimacy, beauty, wealth and diplomacy; and Oya: the warrior-goddess of wind, lightning, fertility, fire, and magic. She creates hurricanes and tornadoes and guards the underworld.

In the Star Wars Universe:

AST (the spelling I use): The creation of my character fits the following description She is bringing about stability to the Yuuzhan Vong loss of their Warrior Caste Creches as a Concubine to the Commander Zhat Lah who loves her deeply. At first she does not love him, but as she gets older it is through her love that she brings forth his heir to the Lah Domain Worldship...

I think that is fair to do with this character because as Black women have been denigrated, it has been through us our communities do survive and thrive. It is through us that our sons live for some time. It is through us that once enslaved Africans will find our solace and freedom and resiliency. The Star Wars Universe does not have ANY Black women except Adi Galli who dies in the Jedi Purge. A Black female character is deserved and she deserves to be classy. Rather than asking permission, I made it happen.

The other issue is that it is nice to have a "Black Princess" like the princess and the frog, but the reception has been cool. Reason is that of the historical struggle, the images of Black women as to what is beautiful in womanhood, and how ignored we have been until First Lady Michelle Obama... Goddesses represent Black Women well, they always have.

Yemaja character can be read here. The thing about Yemaja when she is home, she is well-grounded and can thrive to her success. But when she is elsewhere, she is humiliated, harmed, demeaned and oppressed. To take control of her life she uses the only strengths she perceives she has: sex and pregnancy. She succumbs to the rigors of perversion and fallen prey to repeated pregnancies without male support. She does it because she thinks she has found "love", not realizing that she has an impassioned biological need that she can overcome through wisdom and guidance by a someone besides her mother to assist her.

First let me say, women are intimately tied to their biology. When feminists say that we are not, that is a denial of our Goddess. Our biology plays such a huge role in our lives that without it, it is not to be indoctrinated into womanhood. ALL women know what a menstrual cycle is. ALL women will know what menopause is. A billion dollar industry is devoted to observing these biological systems at play here. Finding control over these so intimately tied to our sexuality--meaning the expression our sexual self with our partners is about touching our Divinity rightfully owned by us... The pleasure of having a daughter is to see our Divinity. SOME cultures get that... NOT American culture, though as shown through the media and most Christian churches.

The Star Wars Brand was the first movie to show an empowered women handling villainous men. And then all the other women became super-sexualized and stylized in such was that quite frankly are weakened by their inappropriate use of their sexual nature to basically rule the Universe. A Goddess would have NEVER allowed her man to kill her...

The Age of the Goddess is upon us. There will be a shift in the balance of power. It is thought to occur in 2012. A new understanding of life. Women will have their rightful place in the Universe, demolishing old perceptions of "out of wedlock, illegitimate children", the only way to be a powerful woman is by being highly sexualized dominatrix, or become an ugly rebellious feminist with real same-sex preference... Look at Rachel Maddow! Homegirl has a PhD from Oxford and still Bill O'Reilly is intimidated by her... Ass!

Yes, I think it is time. And I'm taking numbers to board this change of the wave of novel women to come forth into this brand than diminutive weaklings I have read and seen so far.

Bringin' to you live! EPISODE ALERT! #bipolar #depression #WOC

I use to LOVE the holidays! I would get into the spirit, dancing, singing, ready, willing and able to go to church! I went to Christmas Eve services, the following morning, I prepared meals for the homeless for Christmas Day breakfast. This is in my hometown San Diego. My mother would prepare a huge Christmas Day breakfast, then we could traverse to East County San Diego for dinner at a close friend's house, who has now since passed due to breast cancer...

SINCE I was married, my holidays SUCK! Let me be honest. I do not get along with my In Laws--much less my MIL! I have completely lost the Holiday Spirit. I'm on pins and needles half the time when I am around this person. And I know this person is being "honest with me", "A mother who just loves her son", and at some level I am culpable.

But 2009 totally is asinine! No jobs! No opportunities! No money! I have been scraping by to a productive citizen. Meanwhile, asshats in my state are cop hurting fiends who are out of jail. Funds were cut from the State budget for police officers and incarceration. Now we have 8 cops shot, 5 killed because alleged perpetrators were not ever to be released from prison...

If I was such a horrible being, I could see why things are said to me. But dayummit I am PhD in molecular genetics, I have helped well over 50 young people achieve educational goals, I volunteer, volunteer, volunteer! And I have my own business, I have re-created myself, several times over, then again!

I have vacillated from saying there is outright bigotry again me being an African American woman that got short changed to blaming my mental illness. But the reality is the economy is that bad! And when it gets better, when the job market improves, I will be attempting to catch that way and ride it. I refuse to ever rely on somebody else to pay me under an employer type background. I will be under a contract with well designed benchmarks for a desired goals.

There are good things that have happened since I failed my coach written test: some institutions are calling me back... Things are looking up in that department. But none of them in Seattle. I have stopped looking here. I would rather go either home or a more West Coast tropical climate.

This is hard, because my mood will change tomorrow. I know where I am in my cycle. And now I have had some female related complications. I need to slow my roll...

Oh, I have zero tree, have not sent any personal Christmas cards. But I'm find with that. I did get my business cards out. And the bounce backs I have gotten is ~5-6 returns.

I Promised When I Had An Episode I'd Post: Well Here It Is: DAYUM RECESSION!

DAYUM RECESSION!

It is killing us! It is killing me!!! I apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply and apply for all sorts of jobs, everywhere, in other countries and because I don't know anyone, my entire network is MIA or never was one--guess what! I'm jacked. Thought my business would take off, it hasn't. I failed my coaching written exam & have to retake it now.

Then... My husband dumped on me again. What got me is he has NEVER used profane language towards me. He said, "Will you shut the fuck up..." I, walked away... Of course yelling, of course cursing back... But that is when communication is done. Sure, I've been on some mania. But it was not off kilter, I was not spending money like I have some! I have not going out all night. I may have stayed up to the wee hours in the morning doing redirecting my focus I have found quite enjoyable, BTW, but nothing dangerous, evading and harmful!

I could see if I screwed up my life, by having a bunch of out-of-wedlock kids, a crack addict and slammed my educational world and intellect into the ground. I chose to change my path. But it wasn't 2007 when I physically did it. I changed it when I married my husband in 2003.

I wanted to be married to this wonderfully nice man. My dating paradigm shifted, I loved thugs--at least you know where you stand. They torture your soul in love, but when craziness goes down, these fools are either involved or they getting out of it. You have to be a hard woman not to be loved by these men. You have not love yourself. You have to disrespect yourself, your understanding about the world and your trust must be absent. For someone like me, that is not hard to do--it has never been there.

A nice guy is a strange beast to us. They come into our lives filled with love and damaged women, like myself, drain them. Well, I have not been as bad as other women--so I have heard--hurting property, spending all the money on shoes, getting the men they love busted... I have principles to myself. I think I deserve love, I have worked hard on my educational pursuits, I have accomplished a charmed life, and I have several important people who say they love me.

What my husband did to me was devalue all that I am to him. Just an ability to make a funding source to pay off bills in the household so he can have all the fun. When I did have a job, we had nothing. It would be one thing if I asked for trips to Paris, with fur coats and diamonds. But those things are nice, but temporary. A woman that wants those things often has to pay that back in sexual favors. I did not want that for myself... So, I based my life off my education...

What has my education brought me? Joblessness! Years cut from my lifespan! Tears! Possible seizure disorder! Hypertension! Female problems! And for what? A formal education with titles? That's bullshit!

Now, I love science, but it is the people who practice science that I am not a fan of. I am learning to love writing again. I'm not a prolific writer, but I have something to say and what I say here is important if only to me...

I am learning something about Karate-do. Something I had NEVER thought I would do. But I did.

Then, I have seen a world I had never thought I would see or enjoy, which reconnects me with my childhood. And I think it also taps me into a what is missing in this world--the human love connection and its meaning...

Finally, I started a business that needs a business plan and I don't how to create a financial plan because I have zero idea how this business thing is suppose to work. But I do know it MUST work because so many Black Women--diverse women need it. I am uniquely positioned to deliver high quality consumables in mental health and wellness.

The Sexual Predation on #Black #Women #dating

Seriously, other than been there, done that it is VERY hard for a Black Woman to date "commensurate" Black Men. Suggesting to her to "Cross the Street" and date different men, adjust her mentality/attitude, quote chapter and verse statistics about as a Black Woman gets older the harder it is to find partners.

This discussion on heterosexual couples. No disrespect to other types of couples, but I can't say much about those.

After reading lunacy like this: Relationships: Why Do We Limit Ourselves? **Updated** I have come to the conclusion that this discussion is moot!

Here's a song by Blaque that accurately represents what I think is going on!

The previous blog is misogynistic. It take s Black Women who are doing something in their lives beyond poverty and bashes them based on stereotypes perpetuated either by Black people these days. The bigots and racists do not have to bash us, we bash ourselves... There are many of us who worked very hard and spent a significant portion of our lives to obtain our advanced degrees. We have faced exorbitant about of pains due to ignorance, superfluous, mentally taxing at our careers, jobs, and academic locations.

I am sorry that I have no pity or patience for Black Men who make this lame claim to bash us then turn around and date Buffy, Trixie, Lin-ling and Marquez or even Sheneneneah when my name is Dr. Gina M.-S. or like many of my compatriots giving and dedicating ourselves to community service projects, maintaining our families and caregivers for elders. It is frustrating!!!

I have been married for ~7 years. And a year before I got married, I was partying it up as a new single woman with a doctorate in molecular genetics. It was drilled into my head to DEPEND ON MYSELF! NEVER TO RELY ON ANY MAN FOR MY SUBSISTENCE! And I was well on my way to achieving that end. I relocated to Dallas, Texas. And I did not date... I liked a guy, named "Sexual Chocolate", but the return on him was absent... The only somebody I knew until in the most unlikely place, I met the person who would introduce me to my husband.

My husband is a goof ball geeky nerd. Women liked him, but his communication skills were absent related to romantic relationships. But he was a sweetheart and I knew he was a good man--a good Black Man... The way I see it, there are many good Black Men, they hide--it is a coping mechanism for them to do their jobs, careers and other activities. If they behave a particular way, it could get them arrested or killed while DWB! Whereas, Black Women have to be some other man's perverted exotic sex toy fantasy--or we just don't have the brain wavelength to handle those kind of sick thoughts and do our professional positions...

It is frustrating in the least that most successful Black Women come from decent, churchgoing families with great promise in their lives. They have been succeeding literally since their births and have had love showered upon them. Then as usual as any good daughter wants to do is make family her family proud of her by excelling in school. Then puberty hits, the girl looks like a young woman and she is ambushed predated by sexual perverts! She is immediately pumped into a system of pre-defined and constrained stereotype. Some girls buy it lock, stock and barrel. But many do not and they suppress their inner beauty and develop illnesses that Black girls who do not grow up in this environment never manifest...

• Depression


• Bipolar


• Anxiety


• Eating Disorders: Bulimia


• Absence of Self-Esteem

There are more. This are the Black Women who are suppose to make it. Yes! I said it! The come from good, stable homes (single parent or not), have a religious/spiritual tradition, highly intelligent. FAMILY!

The women on TV come from nothing! Drug-addicted crack whores--according to the rap artists, music videos and now social media.

I would think things have improved, they have not. I just had to leave Essence Community because the foul-mouthed behavior of its members who enjoyed cyberbullying me! When are we going to get it? We only have this ONE CHANCE to succeed! THAT'S IT! There isn't any other! If we fail as Black People we will be judged for the REST OF OUR EXISTENCE for being lazy, shiftless, ignorant, prostitutes, whores.

Now I cannot demand respect from others, in fact I want REVERENCE! Even with model examples of President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama, what scares me is that when their daughters get old enough to date, that NONE of the Black young men will be suitable to date them. NONE! Because I have seen the mentality on social media and while there is much bravado and vitriol, the fact is it has passed their lips, and their hands so the thoughts are already there... Might I suggest that it is pedophiles who say this...

I don't have to prove the wonderment of Dr. Gina to anyone. Why? If someone cannot see it, what do I need them in my presence for? Really? What bills do they pay for me? Moreover, they called me snobby, arrogant--BITCH! AND CUNT! And this is not just ONE social media site I have been on!

It is a totally breakdown on respectable, genteel conversation! GONE! The United States of America does NOT know how to argue in the dissenting position. If it is any indication what I have encountered and seen manifested by young people, then no... We will be losing a lot of arguments for invaders to take over... The Tea Parties are a manifestation of that... Shouting at Health Care people?

What does this have to do with dating? Men suppressing women and guess what, Black Women are on the front lines... So when, we want to discuss dating, we need to realize that we are upon the Age of the Goddess, where there will be a more nurturing environment for humankind. We are going to be there whether we like it or not. Those old bashing behaviors will not continue--they cannot--they are no longer sustainable. And so for the people who believe in "keeping it real" better move, borrow or get outta the way... Because I am a Black Woman--Phenomenally...

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Maya Angelou



Ego Tripping (there may be a reason why)

I was born in the congo
I walked to the fertile crescent and built
the sphinx
I designed a pyramid so tough that a star
that only glows every one hundred years falls
into the center giving divine perfect light
I am bad

I sat on the throne
drinking nectar with allah
I got hot and sent an ice age to europe
to cool my thirst
My oldest daughter is nefertiti
the tears from my birth pains
created the nile
I am a beautiful woman

I gazed on the forest and burned
out the sahara desert
with a packet of goat's meat
and a change of clothes
I crossed it in two hours
I am a gazelle so swift
so swift you can't catch me

For a birthday present when he was three
I gave my son hannibal an elephant
He gave me rome for mother's day
My strength flows ever on

My son noah built new/ark and
I stood proudly at the helm
as we sailed on a soft summer day
I turned myself into myself and was
jesus
men intone my loving name
All praises All praises
I am the one who would save

I sowed diamonds in my back yard
My bowels deliver uranium
the filings from my fingernails are
semi-precious jewels
On a trip north
I caught a cold and blew
My nose giving oil to the arab world
I am so hip even my errors are correct
I sailed west to reach east and had to round off
the earth as I went
The hair from my head thinned and gold was laid
across three continents

I am so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal
I cannot be comprehended except by my permission

I mean...I...can fly
like a bird in the sky...

Nikki Giovanni



Poem about My Rights

by June Jordan


Even tonight and I need to take a walk and clear
my head about this poem about why I can’t
go out without changing my clothes my shoes
my body posture my gender identity my age
my status as a woman alone in the evening/
alone on the streets/alone not being the point/
the point being that I can’t do what I want
to do with my own body because I am the wrong
sex the wrong age the wrong skin and
suppose it was not here in the city but down on the beach/
or far into the woods and I wanted to go
there by myself thinking about God/or thinking
about children or thinking about the world/all of it
disclosed by the stars and the silence:
I could not go and I could not think and I could not
stay there
alone
as I need to be
alone because I can’t do what I want to do with my own
body and
who in the hell set things up
like this
and in France they say if the guy penetrates
but does not ejaculate then he did not rape me
and if after stabbing him if after screams if
after begging the bastard and if even after smashing
a hammer to his head if even after that if he
and his buddies fuck me after that
then I consented and there was
no rape because finally you understand finally
they fucked me over because I was wrong I was
wrong again to be me being me where I was/wrong
to be who I am
which is exactly like South Africa
penetrating into Namibia penetrating into
Angola and does that mean I mean how do you know if
Pretoria ejaculates what will the evidence look like the
proof of the monster jackboot ejaculation on Blackland
and if
after Namibia and if after Angola and if after Zimbabwe
and if after all of my kinsmen and women resist even to
self-immolation of the villages and if after that
we lose nevertheless what will the big boys say will they
claim my consent:
Do You Follow Me: We are the wrong people of
the wrong skin on the wrong continent and what
in the hell is everybody being reasonable about
and according to the Times this week
back in 1966 the C.I.A. decided that they had this problem
and the problem was a man named Nkrumah so they
killed him and before that it was Patrice Lumumba
and before that it was my father on the campus
of my Ivy League school and my father afraid
to walk into the cafeteria because he said he
was wrong the wrong age the wrong skin the wrong
gender identity and he was paying my tuition and
before that
it was my father saying I was wrong saying that
I should have been a boy because he wanted one/a
boy and that I should have been lighter skinned and
that I should have had straighter hair and that
I should not be so boy crazy but instead I should
just be one/a boy and before that
it was my mother pleading plastic surgery for
my nose and braces for my teeth and telling me
to let the books loose to let them loose in other
words
I am very familiar with the problems of the C.I.A.
and the problems of South Africa and the problems
of Exxon Corporation and the problems of white
America in general and the problems of the teachers
and the preachers and the F.B.I. and the social
workers and my particular Mom and Dad/I am very
familiar with the problems because the problems
turn out to be
me
I am the history of rape
I am the history of the rejection of who I am
I am the history of the terrorized incarceration of
myself
I am the history of battery assault and limitless
armies against whatever I want to do with my mind
and my body and my soul and
whether it’s about walking out at night
or whether it’s about the love that I feel or
whether it’s about the sanctity of my vagina or
the sanctity of my national boundaries
or the sanctity of my leaders or the sanctity
of each and every desire
that I know from my personal and idiosyncratic
and indisputably single and singular heart
I have been raped
be-
cause I have been wrong the wrong sex the wrong age
the wrong skin the wrong nose the wrong hair the
wrong need the wrong dream the wrong geographic
the wrong sartorial I
I have been the meaning of rape
I have been the problem everyone seeks to
eliminate by forced
penetration with or without the evidence of slime and/
but let this be unmistakable this poem
is not consent I do not consent
to my mother to my father to the teachers to
the F.B.I. to South Africa to Bedford-Stuy
to Park Avenue to American Airlines to the hardon
idlers on the corners to the sneaky creeps in
cars
I am not wrong: Wrong is not my name
My name is my own my own my own
and I can’t tell you who the hell set things up like this
but I can tell you that from now on my resistance
my simple and daily and nightly self-determination
may very well cost you your life

Essence Community: #WOC #CNN #Cyberbullying @FBI #Social #Media

I have been a part of Essence Community, a NING board for Essence Magazine, since its inception. But when I get messages such as this below, I need to pull my assets off:



I am sorry but social interaction of African American social media site are degenerate sites. I have been harassed and dehumanized more on these kinds of sites than on more diverse sites. It makes me wonder, what would be the point in starting a social media group geared to help African American women when people speak with more profane language and derogatory terms.

But, here, I receive this threat to my person and that is inexcusable in any spirited debate or discussion. No matter what I have said, I would not merit the use of this kind of language.

Essence Magazine and Essence Community once had excellent discussions. Civil, respectable, intelligent and open. But, in the last 3 months, the site has degenerated to the uttering dregs angry, violent and bitter perpatrators who have very little aspiration in life, so they ridicule others to bolster their severally emotionally disturbed and clinically depressed self-esteem and insecurities.

As far as the conversation, I admit that I got involved in the vitriol, but I never suspected anyone would have imbalanced thoughts, such as those in the above picture, who could behave like a "lone-wolf" and attack unsuspecting individuals.

This behavior is unacceptable and CANNOT be tolerated, especially as African Americans. WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS!!! STEP UP OUR GAME and not flail for the lackadaisical and complacency. When we fail to stand up and take on our responsibilities, we collectively lose our gains made as a positive contributing group to a healthy society. We do our best because that propels humanity. When we fail to communicate to one another civilly and ethically so that we can have consensus, and respectable debate.

If Essence Community is a small microcosm of the African American peak in intelligence, based on the cyberbullying I encountered, then we are further behind as a positive enriching group to humanity than other groups and I find that pathetic. We do not deserve to keep our privileges that our fore-bearers fought and died.

I will be pulling my assets from Essence Community as of this date...

The strength of "Precious Jones"

I just saw "Precious"



This movie is good, but it is ugly in human emotions and everyone in the movie are ugly people except for the children. The adults in this movie are ugly, the words are ugly, the images are disturbing. And no one wanted to take the blame for what was done to Clarice Precious Jones. No one wanted to step up and help this young lady to be better until a Teacher, who happened to be a "lesbian" (OMG! LOL!) took an interest in helping her. And a Nurse who was attempting to teach her something about a healthier lifestyle.

If Mo'Nique doesn't get a nomination for her ugly person role, my GAWD...

SPOILER ALERT!!!

The thing that bothered me about this picture is when an entire system that thinks people are disposable and can be cast aside. They cannot help this young lady be more that what they think she ought to be... This denigration of women, this misogyny must stop! MUST STOP! The man who sexually abused precious was her father who only had pictures in the house. He was never there. Then it was told he died of HIV/AIDS! By the time Precious was told by her mother, she stopped caring.

Precious' voice came through education in the simplest form - writing in a Journal, that her teacher would read and reply. Then, she was able to read at the 7-8th grade level within weeks of moving forward. Her mother and grandmother were foul people. Same is as the welfare agency that was trying to force people into skills that moves nowhere--kind of like what "they" are trying to do to me, but I have a ton of education and I come from a loving family.

What damage one does when constant nitpicking, antagonistic, or harping. I remember growing up a girl told me that I aggravated her. I know that sometimes I can be annoying, but what does that do to people? Human beings often take one another for granted. Life is so short, every life is precious and we have NO RIGHT to denigrate it. Do we make the Kreb's Cycle continue in the inner mitochondrial space? Or Oxidative Phosphorylation, Electron Transport or Succinate Dehydrongenase? Do we power our hearts through the AV node? No one else does that, but the individual person after being born.

People are so concerned for life before birth, but discard lives already here. WHY?

So the next time anyone antagonizes me or nitpicks me, the person will have a lesson of mindful silence, a "talking fast" done on them. My silence does not condone the behavior, what it means, is I will unfurl and unless a fury that I will go to the Dark Side.

Ugly people...

When times are hardest for a #bipolar #BlackWoman #WOC

Last night, I should have been thrilled to pick up my husband from the airport, but after him being gone on a business trip for a week and having the bed to myself, I started to fear going back to my "wifely duties" role.

It is hard for me to get go! When my husband left, I didn't eat for 2 days--in fact I starved. This was this past week!!! Then I got a hold of myself, and slowly got use to sleeping alone, eating for a few times per day, and I enjoyed picking of loose pieces of life once remembered. Just when I got comfortable, my husband came home.

As usual, his teen like commentary on every step I make is one of my pet peeves. So, I lost it on him today. My bipolar was acting up heavily today. In a tirade of tears, I explained to my husband how I don't trust me with handling household expenses. To say the least he slowly began to understand. And then he asked me to focus. Part of the chronic illness of bipolar--I am on a depressive side, which means I am unable to fully concentrate. I would have to develop many stopgap measures and implement action plans that I have a 7 or higher confidence in working. Right now all my confidences are lower than 6.

I no longer fee attractive when I am around my husband. I feel unimportant, not special and we both feel unappreciated by one another. He has all his work, and I am trying to make something from nothing.

While I dislike complaining, but I complain all the time. Well enough of this complaining! Fact is I don't know how my business will make money and I care, but not as much I enjoy doing what I am doing for my business. I have this strong feeling it will pick up and when it does, I will be in my sweet spot!

I keep this blog because it will be first parts of my written word. In my written word, I get tired of it being a textbook. Especially, exhausted seeing "practical wisdom" on positive talk about mental health, as it relates to bipolar. Then it misses day to day self-management. That is what I do! I help others increase their potential. Find the very best in themselves. Since my last client pretty much completed their time with me, I lack clients as for now. Soon, I will be over-wrought with clients and I will complain again about being too overworked. LOL!

I guess I need to find that balance.

I coach at GYMRight.com To find out more, start your PQ Interest Questionnaire

The "What Ifs" & #whatwoulditbelike?

I have been accursed with the disease of "What ifs" that I manage in my mental health condition. People say, do not dwell on the "what ifs" because relishing in the past of lost dreams is no more than a "glass menagerie". You can be trapped in a life, dulling the tastes, boring the colors that life gifts to you.

But nonetheless, we humans do it. Once in awhile, it can be briefly reviewed versus dwelling on it. These are not to be regretted, just an interesting reflection upon life. Here's mine--or the one's I can remember:

At 8 years old, my father brought me to this guy who was a vocal coach. I actively decided not to do it. I had just finished a specialized kiddie drama class and I had a ball. But being reminded of piano practice was not my favorite thing when I wanted to play outside. What if...

At 10 years old, I actively decided to STOP taking Ballet. How I could make that decision is beyond me. I liked Ballet, but I felt alienated, like most of my little life at that time. It was after I performed in the Nutcracker Suite with the San Diego Ballet. Apparently, I liked ballet. So, what if I continued to take ballet? Because at that time, I started attending the School of Creative and Performing Arts, and I would have been a triple threat for performing...

At 14 years old, I switched from the School of Creative and Performing Arts to my local high school, Patrick Henry. Making friends was very hard for me. No one was ready for my odd-ball behavior. Then my mental health condition really kicked in. I was given the opportunity to transition into a powerhouse private school, like Bishop's Academy or to go to school in another city: What if...

At 17 years old, I was with my family for a family celebration, I think Father's Day. I had just gotten accepted to Spelman College. There was a buffet and I was a major pig. But some ladies kept looking at me. Then they asked my mother about me and that she represents young women into major pageants, something I was very much interested in and she asked me if I would like to run for pageants. My mother intervened and said I've been accepted to Spelman and I will be going to Atlanta... What if...

At 20 years old, I was harangue by a guy I did not like and he raped me. But I was immobilized to say anything. I wasn't going to say anymore. But I told my friend and she was talked out of kicking his natural behind and was told lies about me. I was more fearful of making a fool of myself and allowing myself to get in that predicament. So, I stayed silent. What if I spoke up...

At 20 years old, I had wanted to join this group in college and they rejected me again. I fought back because I wanted to know if there was a breach in confidentiality. Later I found out there wasn't a breach. What if I did nothing...

At 23 years old, I was told to show up to this casting call by this crazy guy who liked me. I was going to go after church. So here I was in my church dress, overweight, and tired and I take a bullisht picture, which I crumple up and the camera man had to act hard against me. That was when I decided to quit my dreams of making it into the big screen and pursue science. I hate being treated like I was dumb. What if I stayed...

There are plenty more, but every now and then I get into:

• what if I didn't leave San Diego, CA after graduating from my Ph.D. program?


• what if I hadn't fainted at UT Southwestern in 2003?


• What if my boss in Dallas, TX stayed and chose not to relocate to Utah?


• What if I refused to meet my husband who pointedly stated he did not want children?


• What if I refused to marry my husband--let him go like the other men who I let play me?


• What if I called my family in Daytona Beach, Florida from my husband's mother's house in Apopka, Florida after a huge disagreement with his mother, twice?


• What if I stayed in a lunatic fringe job in 2007, to be called mentally unstable and incompetent and morbidly obese due to the stress?


• What if I did not tell a huge group of women locally to go stick it where the sun doesn't shine because I was getting accused of silliness?


• What if I didn't choose to get a serious surgery in the summer of 2008?


• What if I was just compliant to be doormatted, stomped on by everyone, but considered sweet and loving by everyone?


• What if I did not refrain from being played by some people I trusted?

What if, what if, what if?

Welp, I know I have actively made decisions, so without much thought put into it. I took a leap of faith and trusted. Many times I crapped out. But the recent choices I have made are adult choices and acts of faith. I surrendered all that I am. I have come to the conclusion that once I make a decision, I live that decision. I cannot say I don't think "What ifs", but I can say that I work hard to not dwell on the past, because I cannot change them.'

Ironically, no matter what direction my life would have taken, I think that some aspects of time in life are immutable and I will be exactly where I am, today. Maybe in parallel universes, my world could be different. But I am in the best of all possible worlds for me. And I am where I am today because of making these choices. I would not be Dr. Gina if I did not make these choices. It is me. Measuring my life as the totality of my experiences gives that muy caliente flavor of me.

These "what ifs" help me predict some aspects of my future, particularly, not dooming myself to repeat past heinous mistakes. But, these days, I see this as it could have happened this way, but I choose to do it another way... I am more egalitarian about it. Not everything will feel well when I am suffering though it. But I have a faith in God, and while grounded in Christianity, God gives me what I can handle. Right now, what I am going through is practice for something greater. And I need to have faith that what it is I am doing is for the greater common good, which is online mental health and wellness for diverse people.

This blog is only a smidgen of all that I am. So, I will be judged unfairly. But like someone on Twitter told me, I am NOT my diagnosis! I am so much more than mine. And I am ARIAFYA: Zeal, Enthusiasm, Eagerness, Initiative, Spirit, Keenness, Inventiveness, Health, Well-Being, Strength, Vigor, and Power!

Why I am very ANGRY @ Dr Hasan @ #FortHood LAME!

What makes me very angry with Dr. Hasan is that he was GIVEN all these opportunities by benevolent Caucasian men to be ranked the the level he was and he stabbed them in the back. He set American-Islam relations back 10 years by his actions. There are wingnuts ready to annihilate entire Muslim communities because his chosen course of action.

Had cooler heads prevailed, he would have NEVER become anyone's captain in anybody's military. He would barely have a job as a medical doctor, much less a psychiatrist.

I am JEALOUS! Because here I languish in the Pacific Northwest, knowingly suffering from bipolar disorder II, and having been stigmatized by asshats who could care less about my survivability than anything. My actions NEVER indicated I would hurt a flea, and me going off on anyone with any intention to hurt. I have NEVER perpetuated that, NEVER been arrested and NEVER been convicted of it. So, WHAT THE HELL! When the stigma of mental illness labeled me as "dangerous", I left. Why go to jail for dumbasses who lie? People here would have NEVER believed me, I have no allies, so what would be the point of me continuing to placate, becoming more depressed leading me to either kill myself or get arrested when the anger and injustice cannot be suppressed?

My problem was not just racist, it was sexist. It was not perpetuated by my co-workers, that I know about. It was perpetuated by a culture of misogyny manifested by my boss. He has a history of it--legally. So when I found he said some racist things about me and my training, rather than confront him directly, I attempted to calm down so as to not look like a raving lunatic, further turning him on, until I got the gumption to confront him. Meanwhile he promotes an idiot as a scientist as a acting assistant professor, while telling me to lambaste this other wonderful scientist who was overtly gay. I refused to do it--hence I got targeted.

I solved and advanced a major experimental process on genetically modified mice that languished for 2 years prior to my arrival, and I propelled it further than ever before. I researched the data, I developed the protocols, and I got the approvals to do the work. I make sure every "i" was dotted with every "t" crossed and I was told by my boss, that the only reason why I was here was because I was "Black" and the only way I got my "PhD" was because of "affirmative action"... So much for academic research at the University of Washington in Seattle... Anyone can see who they choose to promote at this institution!

I will NEVER forgive them for doing what they did to me. There isn't enough money in the world that can cover the loss in salary I have incurred. I could see if I stole data, like what done to me in that lab. I could see if I lied about my research, that was done in this lab. But, what I was accused of doing was not playing their rules to fuck me over in the end--I had ethics. They lacked it and I got penalized and the University of Washington rewards unethical research.

Now, while I can get busted for this too. I don't care. Because I have paperwork backing what I say. I followed the rules and I still got screwed over. NO MORE!

It's taken me nearly 2 years to work through this craziness and I have reinvented myself away from academic science. I do miss science. And the world will have lost my talents to help humanity. But I can better help people here with something I love, which is social media websites via blogs, social networking and microblogging.

And I am slowly getting traction from people. This is my story. While living in this gulag, I have come to the realization of myself. I have power through my life, my experiences, and my stories. This small aspect of a story cannot account for the totality of me. I am beyond that and that requires getting to know me better. People do not want to take the time to learn anyone anymore. Fine. But people yearn for in-kind connection. They hurt. Intrinsically. I have had to learn how to manage that in myself.

Then, what does this blog have to do with Dr. Hasan? I am jealous and angry with him because there may have been so much more that he could have done for Muslims once deployed. He could have been that bridge to cultural understanding. The ability to be better and support. He would have regained the trust between the people we are fighting for in these countries and the American people. I know that is a heavy role to play, but in the midst of your threats, there are also opportunities. And this dude totally missed it.

Comparatively, I know where Dr. Hasan was with his thinking. He may have suffered from a mental illness himself. But being a psychiatrist, how can one treat himself? But realizing this needs to bring one's strength. Unfortunately, he bought the stigma of mental illness. Rather than trying to overcome this disability, he allowed the disease to eat his mind and warp it so to killing people.

I decided to overcome my disability and reach recovery, and then not allow anyone to defile my temple by berating me. These days, anyone who berates me is no longer a part of my immediate circle. Unless this person is a relative and I know most of them have my interest at heart, NO ONE OUTSIDE OF THAT WILL EVER BERATE ME BASED ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS! That includes any potential bosses, co-workers, new friends, etc.

I will not yield. I do not need to have people who I don't really know making harsh judgments as to my choices in life.

Let me be clear: Criticism is different. Criticism takes practice to hear and incorporate. The statements made are in earnest. Learning to listen has also been a tactic I have had to incorporate. I am not talking about receiving criticism.

What I am talking about is outright berating, intentional demeaning when what I have done does not merit the harshness. I respond to tone. I know this. As a protection, I will NEVER take from anyone who is not a part of my inner circle. Sorry, too bad. These defense mechanisms are made to protect my psyche.

Dr. Hasan has killed people due to his inaction to treatment.

I have helped people to propel them toward their life's dreams.

Dr. Hasan consulted with people who's intent are questionable.

I have searched for people who bring me enlightenment.

I think what Dr. Hasan did has ZERO to do with being of Islamic faith. Him and media saying that is a lame excuse. Dr. Hasan killed people because he was sick in his head and was untreated. The equivalence is Dr. Hasan did what he did because he was in pain and decided to not take a pain pill because he erroneously thought the pain would cease. It never did. It is as simple as that. I am sorry for the families who lost loved ones. What I am saying does not diminish the heroic nature of the US Army. But what pisses me off more than anything else is that someone like Dr. Hasan gets prematurely promoted whereas, someone like me gets fired... LAME!!!

How I met & fell in love with my Dr. Veterinarian Husband

I was working in Dallas, Texas and was truly unhappy at work. My work life was doing great, but my love life and social life were non-existent and missing. I remember walking to work one day, crying a loud cry to the Lord wondering "why me Lord! If I am to be alone, then let me accept your will, but if I am to be with someone, then grant me the patience that he will come."

Then, I went away for a work meeting at the Jackson Laboratories in Bar Harbor, Maine. I stayed in an old mansion with a "roommate" who was this tall blonde and had blue eyes and she was a veterinarian. My roommate and I started talking about "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness", I told her that I graduated from Spelman College! My roommate's eyes lit up because she had heard about Spelman College because her "friend" graduated from Morehouse College! And she excitedly exclaimed that "at least we can be friends!"

---

When I got back to work in Dallas, my friend emailed me and said her friend and I should connect. I told her to send her "friend" my email. Her "friend", that I shall call G- emailed me saying "Howdy"; and that he will keep the message short. the I replied. We kept it up for several emails, then we started to connect differently... Our conversations were varied and enjoyable. He was going through some difficulty, and I cheered him on, and then he told me "I was an 'A-N-G-L-E'". Being me, I asked him is he a "right angle" or "obtuse"--he wrote "LOL you know what I mean..."

We emailed so much, that I asked him to start calling me around the end of October. And we talked and talked for days on end. We talked about how we saw the world, and the revolutions of world. It was so intense, that I said "we need to meet".

I told him to visit me in Las Vegas for New Years 2003. At first, he said he couldn't because he was going to Arizona to watch the Miami Hurricane BCS Bowl. I asked him what dates did he have in mind, he told me and he also purchased his ticket. I don't know what I said to convince him, but he rearranged his schedule to spend New Year's with me.

And then, he thought that I abruptly stopped speaking to him. He called me some time on December 4, 2002. He left a voice message, stating "If I did not want to speak to him, just let him know rather than not talking to him anymore!"

What happened was my mother left me from my family's Thanksgiving in Dallas, TX on December 2, 2002. On December 4, 2002, I thought I was going to my desk at work, but I actually went to a colleagues desk and fainted. I have never fainted in my life!!! Since my boss is a cardiologist, he confirmed that I did not have a heart attack and 5 other cardiologists said I didn't have one either. I was unconscious for 90 seconds, too long to have been a heart attack--so they said. Then I heard the EMT's come in and say I was going to Parkland Hospital. My boss emphatically said I was going to St. Paul's Hospital and that is what happens.

I did not want to go to any hospital, but I could not say anything... I was groggy. Well, I took a trip to the hospital, then I got white coat syndrome and my blood pressure spiked. The ER doctors said in front of my boss, who was the attending, that I had a heart attack, when in fact, there was no evidence for that. He was angry. So, I had a CATSCAN that was inaccurate. I had blood tests, was not pregnant and HIV negative. Then I called my dad, he said it will be okay. Then I called my mom, and she was nowhere to be found. I was transferred to Zale Lipshy Hospital. And the next day, my mom was there... I stayed one more day, had an inconclusive MRI, then I was released with a Holter monitor which was inconclusive. In fact, the Neurology team did not know what was wrong with me...

When I got home, I checked my voice messages. I got 3 messages from G-, then the inflammatory one. There was a voice message I was hoping for from another fellow, but I never heard from him, ever. What was interesting, my mom made me rest, then my phone rang, it was G-. My mother answered, the passed it onto me. She looked at me like, here is somebody calling me! What was more interesting, was I was all prepared to tell G- to "go fly a kite" based on that dumb message he left me. Here is the conversation below:

G-: Hi! How are you?
Me: Fine (flatly)
G-: So, your mother answered the phone?
Me: Yes (flatly)
G-: So, she went back home?
Me: Yes (flatly)
G-: So, she came back?
Me: Yes (irritated now)
G-: Well, I haven't heard from you in awhile!
Me: (Racing through my thoughts to where I either tell him off or I tell him the truth. He was a nice guy, I shouldn't be so harsh. But if I tell him, he will be scared. Well here goes, if he doesn't want to speak to me after this, so be it, I have nothing to lose!)
Me: G-, I was in the hospital. I fainted at work.
George: (slight pause) So, how long were you out? (Doctor's voice mode)

What amazes me is I CONSCIOUSLY made a decision to just let G- into my life and tell him the unfettered truth.

---

G- had rearranged his New Year's Eve and Day plans to meet me in Las Vegas, NV for 2003. He was supposed to go to Tempe, Arizona for the BCS Fiesta Bowl for his team, the University of Miami Hurricanes. He made these arrangements long before he met me. I begged him to reconsider, he did. He would meet me in Las Vegas, then go to Arizona and go home.

My family usually goes to Vegas every New Years since 1995. I had been going since 1996, so I was going with my parents. My folks stayed in a timeshare condo by the Hilton Grand Vacations company. There was a sleeper sofa in the anteroom and a whirlpool bathtub. I really liked the whirlpool bathtub. In 2002, my parent's had a second timeshare for 2-3 days for NYE. They stated I could invite a friend. Well, I invited G- because I wanted to meet him. Moreover, I had to tell my mom about him since she answered the phone in Dallas when he called. My dad was clueless.

Anyhow, after my folks and I drove from San Diego to Vegas, we hooked up with my Aunt B- who is beautician extraordinaire. I asked her to touch up my hair and add highlights to it. She did and my mom was amazed. Moreover, I was a lot thinner than I am today, so I looked extra-specially attractive. That was a few days before I picked up G- from the Airport.

As the time came closer for "seeing each other face to face", G- was calling me hourly. On the day of our meeting, his flight was delayed and he was so nervous, I just let him call. He was worried that he would never meet me. Then, when I arrived at the airport, I stood near the baggage claim anxiously awaiting his arrival. His flight had been delayed further. As I waited, there were quite a few limousine drivers awaiting their arrivals with name card holders. One of the drivers exclaimed to me, "you can be Becky or Christina if you want to!" and then I laughed and started talking to all of them, they proceeded to tell me how they look for their clients and the let me borrow one of their papers and write George's name with a marker. I wrote, "Dr. G-, DVM". As more people were searching for their bags, an onslaught of them passed me by, then out of the blue, here came G- bewildered and wondering why he saw his name on a limousine card. Then he saw me, and he looked shocked! I gave him a hug, my ear was touching his, he did not know what to do.

As he proceeded to his baggage claim area, I could feel my hair on the back of neck standing up from him staring at me just amazed at how I looked. It was as if he had never seen a woman like me before or a woman like me never spoke to him seriously. But, I was real and serious, and I was finally glad to meet him.

We drove back to the Hilton Grand Vacations hotel, which was behind the Flamingo Hotel, and we got into the room reserved for me. G- was further amazed at the grandeur, no one--especially a woman he was interested in, ever treated him to this kind of location. Then I asked him if he would like to get something to eat? I had forgotten that I told my mom earlier what we were going to do and where we were going to go. He agreed to go to P.F. Changs Restaurant at Harrahs. Then we proceeded to walk over there.

As we got seated and water was served, I gave him a card saying thank you. Earlier, he had given me a "spa retreat package" in Dallas, it was incredible. Then, after we placed our orders, out of the corner of my eye, I see ALL my parent's Vegas friends walking towards us, saying hello to me. That was when I realized my mom had fooled me and got all her friends together to size up G-. By that time, G- stood up to meet the first person that stopped by our table, he stated that he was "one of Gina's fathers..." Then another of my parent's friend's, a man stopped by and G- started getting exasperated and confused as to who my folks were. Finally, my mom and dad stopped by and I exclaimed that these are my parents, sorry for the confusion!!!

Poor G-, but he handled it eloquently and I wanted this interaction to continue...