I don't care what some people think about health care reform. Especially by those uneducated on how poor American health actually is. All it takes is ONE major pestilence and people will be clamoring for better health care. We have pretty much guaranteed that with H1N1 Swine Flu. Recently the numbers came out that 90,000 people including the young and children will die from this virus when the flu season starts.
What some on the extreme right wing think is so reprehensible and ugly that they have perverted and subverted any logical discussion about how to improve American health. We cannot continue on like this! We will no longer be a world leader when our fellow Americans are so sick that wondrous lives are lost because of greed! I do not care what one's personal thoughts are on health care reform. But I do know that my health care is broken and I am receiving sub par care.
Now, roughly 2 months ago, images in my mind appeared about a Caucasian man with white hair having passed. Then as a passing thought went by with 2 names, one of them being Senator Edward Moore Kennedy. I thought he would have to die in order for Health Care Reform to pass through Congress--a bill President Obama would sign. Sadly, the "wingnuts" would probably call that the "sympathy vote". The feeling arose again on August 20, 2009 at 1:30 PM. I know because I "tweeted" my thoughts and got "teabagged" by a "wingnut". Someone would have to die to pass Health Care Reform. I knew it was Senator Kennedy, but I had no proof other than the clairvoyant images of him in my mind. I have NEVER met this wonderful human being. I have ONLY seen him on television and other media. But, why his image came up 2 months ago, I just felt it. And my clairvoyance only lasts a moment after the event. Then it quiets down until the next passionate issue arises or major disaster.
It is enough to drive one crazy... This gift of second sight. I never asked for it, it just would happen. My mother knows about it, but brushes it off. And only astute "in tune" people are the one's who often pick up I actually do have this minor ability. Moreover, when I focus, I really can "see" how my scientific experiments and mathematical equations are solved. But, when I'm stressed, I don't express this ability. I feel it in the middle of my brain and I think I get image projection with comments. Sometimes I chalk it up as "deja vu". But, more often than not, it is premonitory. Faces and events I know I've seen before but I've never done before...
I do know it takes peace, a calmness and mindfulness.
Well, now, Senator Ted Kennedy is gone. The family is mourning appropriately. And others are trying to be respectful, holding it together and not cry. It is amazing that this man loved helping people when he had so much and lost almost everything. The resolved he showed in the midst of great criticism, but overall, he touch all Americans. We can pay it forward with our service to mankind!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Balancing act
I have an odd neurological physiological response that might be a side effect from the medications I take. 7 years ago, I found myself waking up from the floor at work. They never found what was wrong with me. I have been quite vocal about that.
What I failed to add was my psychotropic meds were NOT being monitored because I got dumped by my licensed and trained mental health care professionals. I interviewed them, like I recommend all persons seeking mental health care need to do, but they convinced me that they could help me. What I did not know is the politics for that care. I came from a well-oiled machine type of care, an HMO, to relocating to a new city with poor coordinated care, and lackadaisical follow up by insurers. That means they will be happy to send you to collections before you have a diagnosis.
If you are not on top of your health care, you will mosey along and get trounced, like me... Back to the psychotropic drugs: I have come to the conclusion that without monitoring for ALL medications, I have had poor outcomes to health care. It comes to the question, do I need the drugs? I do. Now, 2 medications need complete monitoring because they are anti-hypertensives. But, if I do NOT take my psychotropics I get wild eyed, making poor and risky choices, spend money like I have some, and get into fights unnecessarily.
If I take one of my psychotropic medications, I get side effects, and they unfortunately have come back. On of my meds, suddenly became cheaper than what I was taking. The original one I'd swallow rather than chew. So it was possible I was not seeing the benefits of taking this med. Now that it had changed where I swallow it, I am feeling quite light-headed, like dizzy... Not dizzy yet, but light-headed and my optic nerve kinks exacerbating my field cuts (hemizygous). Even if I get up slowly, it is NOT an interaction with my HBP meds.
The other thing is I need to improve my diet/nutrition behavior. NOT SKIPPING MEALS! Especially, breakfast!!! And since I have a predisposition to diabetes, I really need to start being vigilant. Anyhow, I am exercising under a very good program that helps me with my weight loss. Who'd a thought it!
What I failed to add was my psychotropic meds were NOT being monitored because I got dumped by my licensed and trained mental health care professionals. I interviewed them, like I recommend all persons seeking mental health care need to do, but they convinced me that they could help me. What I did not know is the politics for that care. I came from a well-oiled machine type of care, an HMO, to relocating to a new city with poor coordinated care, and lackadaisical follow up by insurers. That means they will be happy to send you to collections before you have a diagnosis.
If you are not on top of your health care, you will mosey along and get trounced, like me... Back to the psychotropic drugs: I have come to the conclusion that without monitoring for ALL medications, I have had poor outcomes to health care. It comes to the question, do I need the drugs? I do. Now, 2 medications need complete monitoring because they are anti-hypertensives. But, if I do NOT take my psychotropics I get wild eyed, making poor and risky choices, spend money like I have some, and get into fights unnecessarily.
If I take one of my psychotropic medications, I get side effects, and they unfortunately have come back. On of my meds, suddenly became cheaper than what I was taking. The original one I'd swallow rather than chew. So it was possible I was not seeing the benefits of taking this med. Now that it had changed where I swallow it, I am feeling quite light-headed, like dizzy... Not dizzy yet, but light-headed and my optic nerve kinks exacerbating my field cuts (hemizygous). Even if I get up slowly, it is NOT an interaction with my HBP meds.
The other thing is I need to improve my diet/nutrition behavior. NOT SKIPPING MEALS! Especially, breakfast!!! And since I have a predisposition to diabetes, I really need to start being vigilant. Anyhow, I am exercising under a very good program that helps me with my weight loss. Who'd a thought it!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
What a week... Stress is high!
So, I am worried about my future and what I cannot change. My economic instability will worsen and as usual, I am one of many who is lost in the shuffle of the current job market. Unfortunately that has to rest on President Obama's administration, rather than the previous administration that fostered this poor job market.
I really don't want a JOB--I want a career and I think I am heading toward that goal through my business brand called GYM Right Health/Wellness Coaching Services. But, since everyone is calling themselves a coach with little or no training, and especially unrelated to health and wellness, people are attempting to not empower someone to reach their maximum healthy self.
Today, I was at the drug store looking for some "Bag Balm", and the aisle I needed to walk through, sat a morbidly obese woman with a dog. She was in a motorized chair and knocking over the products. Eventually, I found the items I was looking for, but I thought, that could be me in a few years if I don't take care of myself.
It is so DEMORALIZING to have lost a job. And while "they" say 99% has nothing to do with the person who lost the job, one NEVER feels that way, though. And all the unemployment folks can tell you is "get over it". That may be true. As an ADULT, it rests on me to get over it. But it reminds me that I lost my job and I did NOT have a back up plan--a side gig or more! Moreover, it exacerbates my depression. Mania is not as high in my hypomania. But my depression spirals.
What makes is worse is that I do not have a strong network of people or friends who can immediately assist me in stroking my ego. I will NOT be left behind when evil, vile people have job performing ineptly. That is why I started my business and recently expanded it to include 3 brands. Eventually, I will have everything I worked so hard to organize.
For those of you who come across and read my blog, I am going to transfer you to my business blog, entitled The Ariafya Universe where I would like to propose a possible business idea. Please feel free to comment on that blog!
Take care of yourself and if you find yourself in similar circumstances, remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! AND YOU WILL TRIUMPH OVER THIS BAD SPACE OF TIME! IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN CRISIS, PLEASE SEEK HELP. IF YOUR SITUATION IS STABLE AND YOU SEE A CHEERLEADERS AND FANS--BECOME A SISTAH THROUGH THE INTEREST MEETINGS AND MEMBERSHIP PROCESS @ SISTAH MENTAL HEALTH & WELLNESS!
I really don't want a JOB--I want a career and I think I am heading toward that goal through my business brand called GYM Right Health/Wellness Coaching Services. But, since everyone is calling themselves a coach with little or no training, and especially unrelated to health and wellness, people are attempting to not empower someone to reach their maximum healthy self.
Today, I was at the drug store looking for some "Bag Balm", and the aisle I needed to walk through, sat a morbidly obese woman with a dog. She was in a motorized chair and knocking over the products. Eventually, I found the items I was looking for, but I thought, that could be me in a few years if I don't take care of myself.
It is so DEMORALIZING to have lost a job. And while "they" say 99% has nothing to do with the person who lost the job, one NEVER feels that way, though. And all the unemployment folks can tell you is "get over it". That may be true. As an ADULT, it rests on me to get over it. But it reminds me that I lost my job and I did NOT have a back up plan--a side gig or more! Moreover, it exacerbates my depression. Mania is not as high in my hypomania. But my depression spirals.
What makes is worse is that I do not have a strong network of people or friends who can immediately assist me in stroking my ego. I will NOT be left behind when evil, vile people have job performing ineptly. That is why I started my business and recently expanded it to include 3 brands. Eventually, I will have everything I worked so hard to organize.
For those of you who come across and read my blog, I am going to transfer you to my business blog, entitled The Ariafya Universe where I would like to propose a possible business idea. Please feel free to comment on that blog!
Take care of yourself and if you find yourself in similar circumstances, remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! AND YOU WILL TRIUMPH OVER THIS BAD SPACE OF TIME! IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN CRISIS, PLEASE SEEK HELP. IF YOUR SITUATION IS STABLE AND YOU SEE A CHEERLEADERS AND FANS--BECOME A SISTAH THROUGH THE INTEREST MEETINGS AND MEMBERSHIP PROCESS @ SISTAH MENTAL HEALTH & WELLNESS!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
FINALLY!!!
Now it's time to flip off the neocons, tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine, and do the right thing by billions of people who need their health care reform. Leave it to 2 cable news channels to bash President Obama's leadership. Who cares what the GOP thinks? They have not helped!
We are nearing the end of the 3rd quarter into the 4th. And it's time to make our first TD to win the game. We need a "Flood The Zone" in the 3rd & 4th quarters, so that we the American workers & sufferers to exorbitant windfall profits from "robber barrons" corporations can live in the America for all citizens, rather than the tiny minority of screaming, lying, gun toting, teabagging, deranged astroturfers.
These people do not deserve to be called Americans, but Amerikkklans! They cling to their loaded weapons, disrespecting the position of our duly elected & sworn in president, who is trying to HELP you live! The brandish lies fabricated by the industrial medical complex who could care less if anyone lives or dies because they believe in slavery, abuse and violations against basic human rights, and they don't attempt to do anything for anyone but themselves. They are selfish, spineless and stupid. They is nothing more delusional that an astroturfer and his/her associations!
The Democrats have played ball long enough and this fight is not fair. They recently have made one too many concessions, they have placated, appeased, and compromised. That rarely brings parity and equality to any relationship. It leads to either aggression and passivity and passive aggression. It behooves all US Congress members to be assertive. We can disagree civilly and make inroads to a more collaborative type of legislation. But see, that is NOT what the health care reform opposition did back in May, 2009. They made a choice to dig in their heels, took the Conservadems or Blug dogs, and failed to have a health care reform proposal of their own. They acted like they were offended because President Obama's administration turned in their homework early. The anti-reform folks could have prepared, but their gameplan was to lie, cheat, steal, bite, lameness and scream people into submission for their behavior. The took 2 cable news channels and AM radio talk shows to spew their propaganda, so twisted and ugly that major pundits who need health care reform indicated their "word salad" to an incoherent utterances.
Well, thankfully, the Democrats today said no more! How neurotic they will be has to be seen. But, this is the 21st century Democrats who once anyone pushes them too far, they make up their minds and do what they've got to do!
Sure the lunatics will bad-mouth, bitch and cry, but who cares? They had their chance to help! They were bought off.
Democrats could risk everything and lose the fight. But I think if the American people back them up, like we have been with extra, we will triumph. When people watch the cable news, be like the rap group, Public Enemy, and "don't believe the hype!" Let President Obama, his team and congressional supporters say, "We got this" and we will make the difference for the American people!
We are nearing the end of the 3rd quarter into the 4th. And it's time to make our first TD to win the game. We need a "Flood The Zone" in the 3rd & 4th quarters, so that we the American workers & sufferers to exorbitant windfall profits from "robber barrons" corporations can live in the America for all citizens, rather than the tiny minority of screaming, lying, gun toting, teabagging, deranged astroturfers.
These people do not deserve to be called Americans, but Amerikkklans! They cling to their loaded weapons, disrespecting the position of our duly elected & sworn in president, who is trying to HELP you live! The brandish lies fabricated by the industrial medical complex who could care less if anyone lives or dies because they believe in slavery, abuse and violations against basic human rights, and they don't attempt to do anything for anyone but themselves. They are selfish, spineless and stupid. They is nothing more delusional that an astroturfer and his/her associations!
The Democrats have played ball long enough and this fight is not fair. They recently have made one too many concessions, they have placated, appeased, and compromised. That rarely brings parity and equality to any relationship. It leads to either aggression and passivity and passive aggression. It behooves all US Congress members to be assertive. We can disagree civilly and make inroads to a more collaborative type of legislation. But see, that is NOT what the health care reform opposition did back in May, 2009. They made a choice to dig in their heels, took the Conservadems or Blug dogs, and failed to have a health care reform proposal of their own. They acted like they were offended because President Obama's administration turned in their homework early. The anti-reform folks could have prepared, but their gameplan was to lie, cheat, steal, bite, lameness and scream people into submission for their behavior. The took 2 cable news channels and AM radio talk shows to spew their propaganda, so twisted and ugly that major pundits who need health care reform indicated their "word salad" to an incoherent utterances.
Well, thankfully, the Democrats today said no more! How neurotic they will be has to be seen. But, this is the 21st century Democrats who once anyone pushes them too far, they make up their minds and do what they've got to do!
Sure the lunatics will bad-mouth, bitch and cry, but who cares? They had their chance to help! They were bought off.
Democrats could risk everything and lose the fight. But I think if the American people back them up, like we have been with extra, we will triumph. When people watch the cable news, be like the rap group, Public Enemy, and "don't believe the hype!" Let President Obama, his team and congressional supporters say, "We got this" and we will make the difference for the American people!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
OH HAYLE NAW! PUBLIC OPTION NOW!!!
This hurts. I am physically ill--sickened by this news and I will need therapy to understand this logic:
CNN: No Public Health Option
LA Times: Secretary Kathleen Sebelius says PUBLIC HEALTH OPTION dispensable
The Hill: More explanation of dropping the Public Health Option
I am currently in the process of combating this by sending emails to all my congresspersons. I did not fight so long for the public health option to have it defeated by someone who is weakened by a few abusive and deranged individuals who will NEVER be a representation of the United States of America, which we ALL saw present in November 4, 2008!
Also, it only shows that these slime molds do not have the backbones to fight for our rights as the people who ELECTED these people into office! It is not right nor is it fair! There is no justice in fighting for health care. Basically, health care is what we can do, by scraping by.
I cannot stand politics, but I am immersed up to my butt into it! I could see if we took one plan off the Public Health Option to add another. I could see if we switched to Single Payer and go for gold! But NO PUBLIC HEALTH OPTION! WTF! OH HAYLE TA DA NAW!
Hopefully this inspires us further to push back of the likes no one has seen before. Doing the right thing overrides greed!
CNN: No Public Health Option
LA Times: Secretary Kathleen Sebelius says PUBLIC HEALTH OPTION dispensable
The Hill: More explanation of dropping the Public Health Option
I am currently in the process of combating this by sending emails to all my congresspersons. I did not fight so long for the public health option to have it defeated by someone who is weakened by a few abusive and deranged individuals who will NEVER be a representation of the United States of America, which we ALL saw present in November 4, 2008!
Also, it only shows that these slime molds do not have the backbones to fight for our rights as the people who ELECTED these people into office! It is not right nor is it fair! There is no justice in fighting for health care. Basically, health care is what we can do, by scraping by.
I cannot stand politics, but I am immersed up to my butt into it! I could see if we took one plan off the Public Health Option to add another. I could see if we switched to Single Payer and go for gold! But NO PUBLIC HEALTH OPTION! WTF! OH HAYLE TA DA NAW!
Hopefully this inspires us further to push back of the likes no one has seen before. Doing the right thing overrides greed!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
I'm still falling--a drop--BASHING The University of Washington
Today was worse than last night. I forgot what the trigger was. I think it was my sore spot that got triggered. I'm worried about not having a job, not finding a job and my unemployment benefits running out. I am frustrated and I felt naked and unprotected.
The incident:
Yesterday, my husband came in about his business, ready to eat. He told me that a professor at my former employed university, University of Washington, to get back in touch with her about a grant. Now that set me off because I remember telling my husband to never speak to anyone about my current on-goings, ever. Doesn't matter who they are, they do not need to know since they FAILED to assist me and my progression in life for gainful employment. I have come to the belief that when you come into employment, the company needs to have your best interests for positive worklife balance. I never had that at the University of Washington. And I do not care how I might hurt anyone, one day when someone might read this, s/he needs to know how wrong and poorly this school and this city treats African American women.
I know I need to get over this "unfairness" mentality, but there has been a gross injustice levied against me. How can I come from a stunning laboratory bright-eyed and bushy tailed with a PhD. Join one of the preeminent institutions in Dallas, Texas at the University of Texas, Southwestern Medical Center. Then wind up unemployed, no future in science and zero prospects.
I have published 3 first authored papers! I have my name on 8 papers! I have not been afforded the opportunity to succeed here, when it is someone's job at the University of Washington to ensure that! Moreover, my husband, has been working at the UW for 15 years and conceptualized, organized and implement an entire aquatic animals and the veterinary work--is he a full professor at that school? NO! And they have FAILED to advance him. Now he is the LEADER in this niche. People come to him, and this sorry excuse of a school will not give him what he deserves! YES, this is my opinion, but still, is he paid commensurate of his work? NO! And the EXCUSES they give to him are the rule of the incompetent, the monuments to nothingness!
How they have treated most African Americans, is lame! One of the preeminent professors at the UW who is now retired, was treated like dirt 50 years ago--not much has changed. Which brings me to the lameness of civil rights in this city. And the people suffer because of this. Why keep silent when I have NOTHING TO LOSE! I've got my mind, I'm crazy enough to say it, and I am a woman with little lost!
So, from my perspective, I was angry because this professor thought she could ask my HUSBAND anything with my name in the same sentence. It is NONE OF THIS PERSON'S BUSINESS!!! And it is for a grant, why do I want to see UW succeed. They advance people who steal people's data. UW is a white supremacist institution and enslaves Asians to do the work. Look at who is working there, look at who is the post-doctorates, and graduate students. Then look at what is being paid to people? YOU DECIDE!
These are NOT my jealous rants. This is why the UW has NOT had significant strides in biomedical sciences with the exception of hard sciences (engineering, physics and math). Why? Because there is this disconnect between physicians who are wannabe scientists and PhD's who actively choose NOT to be physicians as scientists. Are folks going to medical school to be scientists or physicians? One does not know more than the other! Scientists know many laboratory maneuvers--like molarity and concentrations. Whereas, physicians know surgery.
I started off at the wrong foot at UW. I entered a laboratory that was not my area to get my foot in the door. I was going to transition out, but was told some lies about that researcher. Now, I can NEVER get a position in that lab again. When I re-entered my field, the professor was psychotic, little did I know his lab was faltering. And he trusted someone who is slimy. I had to leave because my personality was being attacked, there was work place hostility, mobbing and bullying. In fact I have ALL the emails showing how I was treated. My husband cavalierly says to "let it go"--does he know anything about abuse? I was abused!
The University of Washington ABUSED ME! And I don't have any other reason why other than I am a Black WOMAN scientist with a PhD. What Black women have succeeded in science there? NOT AT UW!
I did apply to many grants and was denied, repeatedly. That was when President Bush removed funds from NIH. Who do I know, network-wise? Don't get me sorry.
So, I decided, THANK GOD! I envision my business. Business could be better, yet, I am doing fine with all of it! It all RESTS on me. But the UW does NOT get my business anymore. They OWE me! No! They owe my husband! Until they do right by him, everything that this school stands for will fail! I hope NO successes for UW as much as they delivered to me!
Yes, this a hate-filled, angry, resentful blog and I am frustrated. But, where am I now? If I thought my net worth would be absent at 40, I would have NEVER left California. At least I have some net worth there and have a chance. But, here in Seattle, I have NOTHING! I AM NOTHING HERE! And now, I don't have the money to move out without a job that pays relocation expenses. Then, I love the West Coast. But I am NOT going back into research. I WANT FORWARD MOVEMENT ON MY BUSINESS! IF IT DOES NOT ADVANCE MY BUSINESS OBJECTIVES, THEN TELL ME, WHAT IS IN IT FOR ME?
Taking on any old job just for money does NOT give me life-satisfaction. And in the end of my life, when I am discussing the dash, what will I say about MY LIFE? That, I did a dead-end job to pay for my business' goals that did not get off the ground because I had the dead-end job--whose fault is that? Mine!
Well, I will NOT discount myself, lower my expectation--I've tried that and look at me today! I will NOT settle for less because some ASSES tell me I can't. I don't have to deal with them anymore! I've been letting people out of my life when they fail to deliver or anger toward me rather than my usual kicking and screaming. Talk is cheap. SHOW ME! If you have anything to offer, STOP TALKING TO ME AND SHOW ME! I tire of lip service and rhetoric.
This is how I have to be. And I am coming out swinging!
The incident:
Yesterday, my husband came in about his business, ready to eat. He told me that a professor at my former employed university, University of Washington, to get back in touch with her about a grant. Now that set me off because I remember telling my husband to never speak to anyone about my current on-goings, ever. Doesn't matter who they are, they do not need to know since they FAILED to assist me and my progression in life for gainful employment. I have come to the belief that when you come into employment, the company needs to have your best interests for positive worklife balance. I never had that at the University of Washington. And I do not care how I might hurt anyone, one day when someone might read this, s/he needs to know how wrong and poorly this school and this city treats African American women.
I know I need to get over this "unfairness" mentality, but there has been a gross injustice levied against me. How can I come from a stunning laboratory bright-eyed and bushy tailed with a PhD. Join one of the preeminent institutions in Dallas, Texas at the University of Texas, Southwestern Medical Center. Then wind up unemployed, no future in science and zero prospects.
I have published 3 first authored papers! I have my name on 8 papers! I have not been afforded the opportunity to succeed here, when it is someone's job at the University of Washington to ensure that! Moreover, my husband, has been working at the UW for 15 years and conceptualized, organized and implement an entire aquatic animals and the veterinary work--is he a full professor at that school? NO! And they have FAILED to advance him. Now he is the LEADER in this niche. People come to him, and this sorry excuse of a school will not give him what he deserves! YES, this is my opinion, but still, is he paid commensurate of his work? NO! And the EXCUSES they give to him are the rule of the incompetent, the monuments to nothingness!
How they have treated most African Americans, is lame! One of the preeminent professors at the UW who is now retired, was treated like dirt 50 years ago--not much has changed. Which brings me to the lameness of civil rights in this city. And the people suffer because of this. Why keep silent when I have NOTHING TO LOSE! I've got my mind, I'm crazy enough to say it, and I am a woman with little lost!
So, from my perspective, I was angry because this professor thought she could ask my HUSBAND anything with my name in the same sentence. It is NONE OF THIS PERSON'S BUSINESS!!! And it is for a grant, why do I want to see UW succeed. They advance people who steal people's data. UW is a white supremacist institution and enslaves Asians to do the work. Look at who is working there, look at who is the post-doctorates, and graduate students. Then look at what is being paid to people? YOU DECIDE!
These are NOT my jealous rants. This is why the UW has NOT had significant strides in biomedical sciences with the exception of hard sciences (engineering, physics and math). Why? Because there is this disconnect between physicians who are wannabe scientists and PhD's who actively choose NOT to be physicians as scientists. Are folks going to medical school to be scientists or physicians? One does not know more than the other! Scientists know many laboratory maneuvers--like molarity and concentrations. Whereas, physicians know surgery.
I started off at the wrong foot at UW. I entered a laboratory that was not my area to get my foot in the door. I was going to transition out, but was told some lies about that researcher. Now, I can NEVER get a position in that lab again. When I re-entered my field, the professor was psychotic, little did I know his lab was faltering. And he trusted someone who is slimy. I had to leave because my personality was being attacked, there was work place hostility, mobbing and bullying. In fact I have ALL the emails showing how I was treated. My husband cavalierly says to "let it go"--does he know anything about abuse? I was abused!
The University of Washington ABUSED ME! And I don't have any other reason why other than I am a Black WOMAN scientist with a PhD. What Black women have succeeded in science there? NOT AT UW!
I did apply to many grants and was denied, repeatedly. That was when President Bush removed funds from NIH. Who do I know, network-wise? Don't get me sorry.
So, I decided, THANK GOD! I envision my business. Business could be better, yet, I am doing fine with all of it! It all RESTS on me. But the UW does NOT get my business anymore. They OWE me! No! They owe my husband! Until they do right by him, everything that this school stands for will fail! I hope NO successes for UW as much as they delivered to me!
Yes, this a hate-filled, angry, resentful blog and I am frustrated. But, where am I now? If I thought my net worth would be absent at 40, I would have NEVER left California. At least I have some net worth there and have a chance. But, here in Seattle, I have NOTHING! I AM NOTHING HERE! And now, I don't have the money to move out without a job that pays relocation expenses. Then, I love the West Coast. But I am NOT going back into research. I WANT FORWARD MOVEMENT ON MY BUSINESS! IF IT DOES NOT ADVANCE MY BUSINESS OBJECTIVES, THEN TELL ME, WHAT IS IN IT FOR ME?
Taking on any old job just for money does NOT give me life-satisfaction. And in the end of my life, when I am discussing the dash, what will I say about MY LIFE? That, I did a dead-end job to pay for my business' goals that did not get off the ground because I had the dead-end job--whose fault is that? Mine!
Well, I will NOT discount myself, lower my expectation--I've tried that and look at me today! I will NOT settle for less because some ASSES tell me I can't. I don't have to deal with them anymore! I've been letting people out of my life when they fail to deliver or anger toward me rather than my usual kicking and screaming. Talk is cheap. SHOW ME! If you have anything to offer, STOP TALKING TO ME AND SHOW ME! I tire of lip service and rhetoric.
This is how I have to be. And I am coming out swinging!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
When mania peaks & the depression comes crashing
So, now I have peaked mania. I mainly had levels of grandiosity. However, my levels are not grand. Then I drop & I crash, hard.
Without going into detail, someone asked my loved one a personal question about me and that is what pissed me off about it. My loved one called me a racial epithet, "angry Black woman"--this person is my same racial make up--it cheapened my voice & my feeling. No matter how I share my feelings with that person, this person will not understand my pain.
I was angry, but not as much as I am hurt and my anger escalated. I also, left the discussion
start rant/
My local TV news just described Sydney Poitier as a "man who came to dinner" Another reason why I hate Seattle, because this is that bullisht they say on TV thinking it's okay.
/end rant
OMG, my husband just farted & it stinks! WOW!
What I have to deal with is amazing. Now folks know why there is a health disparity for Black women. Who deals with this bullisht? I don't know any other woman that faces this much crapola!
Back to the depression: As I get older, the crash is not as bad, but for today, this crash reminded me when I was younger & crashed, harder! I was glad I left the conversation. I was one of those astroturf screamers. Now my throat hurts.
How do I feel now?
I am ruminating. So, I may need to enact a mindfulness breath technique to regain my balance. I still feel sadden by what I feel as loss. I feel isolated & rejected. My life:
sucks
is gone
is sad
is depressing
NOW.
Good think I'm going to my psychiatrist tomorrow. Re-adjust my meds, maybe. This issue may have to do with my menstrual cycle-as usual-and is a pain.
Without going into detail, someone asked my loved one a personal question about me and that is what pissed me off about it. My loved one called me a racial epithet, "angry Black woman"--this person is my same racial make up--it cheapened my voice & my feeling. No matter how I share my feelings with that person, this person will not understand my pain.
I was angry, but not as much as I am hurt and my anger escalated. I also, left the discussion
start rant/
My local TV news just described Sydney Poitier as a "man who came to dinner" Another reason why I hate Seattle, because this is that bullisht they say on TV thinking it's okay.
/end rant
OMG, my husband just farted & it stinks! WOW!
What I have to deal with is amazing. Now folks know why there is a health disparity for Black women. Who deals with this bullisht? I don't know any other woman that faces this much crapola!
Back to the depression: As I get older, the crash is not as bad, but for today, this crash reminded me when I was younger & crashed, harder! I was glad I left the conversation. I was one of those astroturf screamers. Now my throat hurts.
How do I feel now?
I am ruminating. So, I may need to enact a mindfulness breath technique to regain my balance. I still feel sadden by what I feel as loss. I feel isolated & rejected. My life:
sucks
is gone
is sad
is depressing
NOW.
Good think I'm going to my psychiatrist tomorrow. Re-adjust my meds, maybe. This issue may have to do with my menstrual cycle-as usual-and is a pain.
Monday, August 10, 2009
The right to NOT go back to my original career 2!
There is a large metropolitan university where I use to work in one of the laboratories. I must say that the first laboratory, which I worked for 3 years, was great, however, I ran out of funds and could not secure further funds. It was during a time that National Institutes of Health was divested and I was one of the people affected by that divestment. But the issue with this very friendly laboratory is that this research program is slow. Unfortunately, I chose a project that was not fortuitous. Sometimes, that happens. And I got lost in the system. Now while I can blame my principle investigator for my loss, the reality in the research game is what I am suppose to crank out. I have been trained to develop studies. So the blame is on me. Besides, I already had a post doctoral position in a top university in the US. RARELY is anyone given that chance and I freely gave that opportunity up because my health, ironically, was affected.
So in 2007, I joined a high powered laboratory at this major metro university. NEVER in a million years did I think that by October, 2007 I would be judged on something so insignificant... The last time that crap was said to me, I wasted an extra 3 years of my life attempting to prove the value of my being present. I did not say anything when that last judgment was made. I told myself if it happened again, I am not wasting my time!
I was told that "The only reason why I was here was because I am Black and the Only way I got my PhD is through affirmative action."
Look when you are someone's mentor, you can think what you want, but to utter those words, especially to a professional is NOT commensurate of the values that this metro university upholds.
Henceforth, mark my words, I WILL NEVER EVER WORK FOR THIS UNIVERSITY IN THIS CITY AGAIN!
Attempting legal proceedings would cause more harm that good for me. And this city has hurled its worse toward me, but STILL I RISE! What did they think? That I would go down forever being humiliated?
I decided to lay myself off from this position because NO ONE deserves to be mobbed and bullied in a hostile environment as mine! NO ONE deserves this BS that I suffered. NO ONE! I decided move forward from this stress filled situation and find my innerpeace. I found it by starting my business, The Ariafya Universe and my support is NOT in the city, which I reside... Oh, the irony!
Anywho, the right to NOT go back to my original career 2, MERITS the BS I have suffered for nearly 15 years. If scientific research is based in this, there is injustice. A students who is earnest in their understanding, works hard and repeatedly shows that she can do the work, just because she is a Black woman, judgment of her work needs to ONLY be the work & not the poor communication and bad behavior encountered in academia. Especially in this major metropolitan university in the city I reside.
So in 2007, I joined a high powered laboratory at this major metro university. NEVER in a million years did I think that by October, 2007 I would be judged on something so insignificant... The last time that crap was said to me, I wasted an extra 3 years of my life attempting to prove the value of my being present. I did not say anything when that last judgment was made. I told myself if it happened again, I am not wasting my time!
I was told that "The only reason why I was here was because I am Black and the Only way I got my PhD is through affirmative action."
Look when you are someone's mentor, you can think what you want, but to utter those words, especially to a professional is NOT commensurate of the values that this metro university upholds.
Henceforth, mark my words, I WILL NEVER EVER WORK FOR THIS UNIVERSITY IN THIS CITY AGAIN!
Attempting legal proceedings would cause more harm that good for me. And this city has hurled its worse toward me, but STILL I RISE! What did they think? That I would go down forever being humiliated?
I decided to lay myself off from this position because NO ONE deserves to be mobbed and bullied in a hostile environment as mine! NO ONE deserves this BS that I suffered. NO ONE! I decided move forward from this stress filled situation and find my innerpeace. I found it by starting my business, The Ariafya Universe and my support is NOT in the city, which I reside... Oh, the irony!
Anywho, the right to NOT go back to my original career 2, MERITS the BS I have suffered for nearly 15 years. If scientific research is based in this, there is injustice. A students who is earnest in their understanding, works hard and repeatedly shows that she can do the work, just because she is a Black woman, judgment of her work needs to ONLY be the work & not the poor communication and bad behavior encountered in academia. Especially in this major metropolitan university in the city I reside.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Pain - the good kind?
I am in utter pain. Every muscle group in my body hurts utterly. But it is a good pain - I guess because yesterday, I exercised. I took my first course in Karate-do. The exercises are one's I have not done in years. And they were good exercises. Moreover, I learned how to count up to 10 in Japanese during that time. However, I forgot it all now.
Man, am I stiff! That is what happens when you are 40-something. The stiffness is stronger. But, the workout was NEEDED! Karate-do is about mind than about the moves--btw I need to practice plenty! I am unable to simply run back and forth!
Ironically, my husband decided to join me. I never thought he would. The first time he ran in bare feet and got huge blisters. The same happened to me, too. But my blisters healed quickly due to my use of "Bag Balm", whereas, my husband refused to use the balm. We shall see about his healing feet.
I decided to start a martial arts regimen because I need the confidence, the structure and the discipline in my life. And I LOVE IT! It reminds me of my ballet years. Both are disciplined practices. The fact that my husband wanted take the course is something we can share together. His reasons for taking the Karate-do classes are different from mine. Mine are to lose weight. His, I do not know? But I am sure they are positive!
Either way, both our bodies are in a utter pain, but the good kind of accomplishing a sorely needed workout--pun intended...
Moreover, I am changing the impact on my bipolar disorder. My mental health condition physiologically cannot combat particular exercise regimen. In fact it has been shown that isometrics and resistance training increases insulin sensitivity in some patients. I know for my body, my training must be isometrics vs. weights because, while both help, I am more consistent with isometrics. Weights work, but I grossly dislike the discipline. I enjoy isometric exercises that both Karate-do and Ballet give me. I do not enjoy Yoga because of lack of directed and patient training that Karate-do and Ballet gives to me.
The fact is regardless of which fitness enterprise one pursues, one's brain has to readjust and certain poorly connected neural connection in a unhealthy lifestyle cannot be maintained when attempting an exercise regimen. It levels the playing field. And the small cost of the muscle stiffness is worth the payoff one receives in the health and happiness end. I am glad I have this kind of pain, the good kind.
Man, am I stiff! That is what happens when you are 40-something. The stiffness is stronger. But, the workout was NEEDED! Karate-do is about mind than about the moves--btw I need to practice plenty! I am unable to simply run back and forth!
Ironically, my husband decided to join me. I never thought he would. The first time he ran in bare feet and got huge blisters. The same happened to me, too. But my blisters healed quickly due to my use of "Bag Balm", whereas, my husband refused to use the balm. We shall see about his healing feet.
I decided to start a martial arts regimen because I need the confidence, the structure and the discipline in my life. And I LOVE IT! It reminds me of my ballet years. Both are disciplined practices. The fact that my husband wanted take the course is something we can share together. His reasons for taking the Karate-do classes are different from mine. Mine are to lose weight. His, I do not know? But I am sure they are positive!
Either way, both our bodies are in a utter pain, but the good kind of accomplishing a sorely needed workout--pun intended...
Moreover, I am changing the impact on my bipolar disorder. My mental health condition physiologically cannot combat particular exercise regimen. In fact it has been shown that isometrics and resistance training increases insulin sensitivity in some patients. I know for my body, my training must be isometrics vs. weights because, while both help, I am more consistent with isometrics. Weights work, but I grossly dislike the discipline. I enjoy isometric exercises that both Karate-do and Ballet give me. I do not enjoy Yoga because of lack of directed and patient training that Karate-do and Ballet gives to me.
The fact is regardless of which fitness enterprise one pursues, one's brain has to readjust and certain poorly connected neural connection in a unhealthy lifestyle cannot be maintained when attempting an exercise regimen. It levels the playing field. And the small cost of the muscle stiffness is worth the payoff one receives in the health and happiness end. I am glad I have this kind of pain, the good kind.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Guerrilla tactics to use on the mobbing bullies who are against Health Care Reform
This is from a blog I wrote June 8, 2009 after the Health Care Kickoff Meeting per Organizing for America with little direction.
On Saturday, June 6th, I took the lead for President Obama's Public Health Plan through the Organizing for America. President Obama says we need to fix health care this year. He walks a tight rope because if he goes too left, it looks like communist medicine. If the goes too right, it looks like business has bought him out. He wants Reduced Costs, Guaranteed Choice, and Quality Affordable Health Care for all. A base minimum plan where another plan would step in for extra costs of care. June 6th was the planning meeting for a June 27th community service activity. I chose to host a meeting because when I searched on the Organizing for America (OFA) meeting, there was NO meeting in my area! So, since I was unemployed, I need experiences to add to my resume, I also thought I could expand my business opportunities, and I had just completed this health facilitators volunteer course by a local coop hospital, I had the courage to step up and host a meeting. And I chose to host it at my local library, because my house is too small to hold a meeting with non-neighbors (strangers).
We had 32 people attended the meeting I hosted! I was amazed! Everyone bandwagoned at the last minute. And while I do not like that, whatever... My meeting was the first planned in my area because that is the way I roll... I operate in that manner! My feeling is not a matter of arrogance, it is a matter of fact, I successfully operate when I am ahead of the curve than when I wipe out!
When I finally got the "Host Guide", I printed it out and followed it as close as I could follow. I organized the materials in nice, neat piles to share with the attendees, I coordinated a time & location, I contacted the OFA to make sure I had the latest accurate information. I paid for the copies out of my own money, never to be reimbursed!!! I conceptualized, interpreted, developed and formalized the Powerpoint slide presentation--ME!!! MYSELF!!! NO ONE PAID ME!!!
So, after everyone arrived to my meeting, I get treated like "the messenger" of OFA because I support the President's Public Health Plan. Health care, in all forms, is important to me, personally. I have been involved in Health Care for ~30 years!!! It is my training as a research scientist in molecular genetics with a Ph.D. It is my business and I act on it. Health care MUST change and the POTUS has requested us to do activities. No one is forcing anyone to do these activities, it is a request! If people choose not support the POTUS, that is their choice. But Health Care Reform must happen this year, absolutely! The question is how?
This was May and June 2009! The anti-health care foes, the status quo, the belligerent changers had nearly 3 months to get themselves together, create a plan for reform and enact their policies forward. No, rather they CHOOSE to harangue the President Obama, label and people who support health care and create lame arguments against health care reform.
I know it reform is needed when I see a homeless encampment thinking they have no choices for their health care and downtrodden already when seeking what government waste pays to care for them. Then when this economy tanked, millions of unemployed Americans with chronic illness, infections, toothaches and battle scars cannot be seen by physicians who have given oaths to do no harm, but these insurance CEO collect billions! I am told this is NORMAL AND DOES NOT NEED TO CHANGE! WHAT!!!
During the Health Care Kickoff meeting, I was heckled. Organizing for America does NOT pay me to say anything I came under my own volition because that is how much I know health care must be reformed! Reform = justice! There has been gross injustice that has been going on for decades and the disenfranchised have been alienated for too long! For too long we have been operating on 40 year old rules, is it not time to reform these laws. Medical technology has advanced prolifically so. Why remain in the primitive stone-age and have a health care public option commensurate with the 21st century?
Yes, I chose to host this event under President Obama's Organizing for America. I was heckled by the few people who never organized any event in their lives! Due to the heckling, and my lack of preparation for it, I suffered from severe panic attack, deep depression and agoraphobia!!! Bipolar disorder can sometimes elicit a secondary symptom of high anxiety, leading to a panic attack. My depression occurred after, where all I could do afterward is cry, even after several supporters said I did a great job! And I fear going in public because I cannot handle being harassed. If I was educated about their tactics, I would have a better chance enact guerrilla tactics... There are quite a few devices to use to quite it. But only when you know it exist or can operate quickly on your feet--but that even requires training at some point. I had no training, and I was told I did a sufficient job handling ignoramuses. And I am not one to really enjoy trying to find fights!
I wanted to do community service because I know how beneficial it is. I love community service from my days as a church deacon and a member of my Sorority. During the Kickoff event, we were asked to brainstorm what kind of community service event the group of us would like to do. I actually received support from the co-op trainers on brainstorming! There is a method. The groups that did their brainstorms, presented several good ideas, i.e. educate people about health reform, why it is important, at a health group that supports homelessness, disabled and elderly, etc. The core group who liked to work thought of a "Pea Patch" efforts and healthy eating and getting more people to share their health stories and volunteer.
After the event, I cried profusely, slept for most of the day, couldn't motivate myself beyond the humilation of not knowing or at least the feeling that I looked like I did not know anything about healthcare. In May or June, 2009 the public did NOT have enough information on Health Care Reform. Well, now we know. My local Sunday newspaper only had articles that bashed President. There are several reasons why. This experience left me with a very bad taste in my mouth. And while I can see some rays of light, 9 people said they want to plan a community service event with me, it still says you get some crazies that actually DO need psychiatric evaluations.
What pisses me off is that I didn't see them PLAN a meeting... NO ONE told them to attend my meeting. I continuously emailed them that this meeting was "scripted", so that if they disagreed with the activity, they did not have to attend. I am a health care person NOT a policy person on healthcare. I just want something different from what we already have. I would prefer reduced costs, maintain choice, and quality affordable health care for all--what the President asked us to do. My community needed to be uplifted and I would be overjoyed to be a part of that, have my business a part of that and go down in history to make that difference!!! But, planning an COMMUNITY SERVICE event to be yelled at sucks, especially when I am unemployed!
Breathe... I did a formal practice mindfulness exercise during a heated moment of the Kickoff and I found that it shuts down the crazies. This practice is one of the guerrilla tactics that can be used. Other tactics are singing, chanting, dancing--which in fact, why are people having sit down townhall meetings on HEALTH CARE meetings when a part of health care is physical fitness! At the start of shouting, do jumping jacks or some heavy duty cardio or "EVERY BODY DANCE NOW"--have fun with it! Work it out! People can't be that angry after the rush of endorphins! Use the biology that humans were born with! The other issue is when one uses mindfulness or other meditative response, they are attempting to come from a place of peace, love and calm to educate with patient reserve. Responding from this place at least brings people willing to listen, and even if they disagree, it is respectful. Mobbing, bullying and hostility is a spectator sport, puerile and ignorant. Returning it in anger, shows lack of preparation, discombobulation, and inability to take seriously. Some worry about weakness when being mindful or meditative, no, "to whom the gods wish to destroy, they must first make them angry"... A true teacher, educator, mentor does not get frustrated and use anger to destroy someone, it disrespects the other person's right to exist. To evolve, we humans cannot resort to old primitive mentalities that fail to propel us beyond uncontrollable disgusting dung.
After all the mobbing, bullying and hostilities, I am proud that I was a part of Health Care Reform during this summer. I am glad I took the lead because: If not me, then who? If not now, then when? I just need to calm down with guided imagery, behavioral health appointments and find support from people who believe that have foresight and vision! All that is left is me and I have been harangued since birth!
On Saturday, June 6th, I took the lead for President Obama's Public Health Plan through the Organizing for America. President Obama says we need to fix health care this year. He walks a tight rope because if he goes too left, it looks like communist medicine. If the goes too right, it looks like business has bought him out. He wants Reduced Costs, Guaranteed Choice, and Quality Affordable Health Care for all. A base minimum plan where another plan would step in for extra costs of care. June 6th was the planning meeting for a June 27th community service activity. I chose to host a meeting because when I searched on the Organizing for America (OFA) meeting, there was NO meeting in my area! So, since I was unemployed, I need experiences to add to my resume, I also thought I could expand my business opportunities, and I had just completed this health facilitators volunteer course by a local coop hospital, I had the courage to step up and host a meeting. And I chose to host it at my local library, because my house is too small to hold a meeting with non-neighbors (strangers).
We had 32 people attended the meeting I hosted! I was amazed! Everyone bandwagoned at the last minute. And while I do not like that, whatever... My meeting was the first planned in my area because that is the way I roll... I operate in that manner! My feeling is not a matter of arrogance, it is a matter of fact, I successfully operate when I am ahead of the curve than when I wipe out!
When I finally got the "Host Guide", I printed it out and followed it as close as I could follow. I organized the materials in nice, neat piles to share with the attendees, I coordinated a time & location, I contacted the OFA to make sure I had the latest accurate information. I paid for the copies out of my own money, never to be reimbursed!!! I conceptualized, interpreted, developed and formalized the Powerpoint slide presentation--ME!!! MYSELF!!! NO ONE PAID ME!!!
So, after everyone arrived to my meeting, I get treated like "the messenger" of OFA because I support the President's Public Health Plan. Health care, in all forms, is important to me, personally. I have been involved in Health Care for ~30 years!!! It is my training as a research scientist in molecular genetics with a Ph.D. It is my business and I act on it. Health care MUST change and the POTUS has requested us to do activities. No one is forcing anyone to do these activities, it is a request! If people choose not support the POTUS, that is their choice. But Health Care Reform must happen this year, absolutely! The question is how?
This was May and June 2009! The anti-health care foes, the status quo, the belligerent changers had nearly 3 months to get themselves together, create a plan for reform and enact their policies forward. No, rather they CHOOSE to harangue the President Obama, label and people who support health care and create lame arguments against health care reform.
I know it reform is needed when I see a homeless encampment thinking they have no choices for their health care and downtrodden already when seeking what government waste pays to care for them. Then when this economy tanked, millions of unemployed Americans with chronic illness, infections, toothaches and battle scars cannot be seen by physicians who have given oaths to do no harm, but these insurance CEO collect billions! I am told this is NORMAL AND DOES NOT NEED TO CHANGE! WHAT!!!
During the Health Care Kickoff meeting, I was heckled. Organizing for America does NOT pay me to say anything I came under my own volition because that is how much I know health care must be reformed! Reform = justice! There has been gross injustice that has been going on for decades and the disenfranchised have been alienated for too long! For too long we have been operating on 40 year old rules, is it not time to reform these laws. Medical technology has advanced prolifically so. Why remain in the primitive stone-age and have a health care public option commensurate with the 21st century?
Yes, I chose to host this event under President Obama's Organizing for America. I was heckled by the few people who never organized any event in their lives! Due to the heckling, and my lack of preparation for it, I suffered from severe panic attack, deep depression and agoraphobia!!! Bipolar disorder can sometimes elicit a secondary symptom of high anxiety, leading to a panic attack. My depression occurred after, where all I could do afterward is cry, even after several supporters said I did a great job! And I fear going in public because I cannot handle being harassed. If I was educated about their tactics, I would have a better chance enact guerrilla tactics... There are quite a few devices to use to quite it. But only when you know it exist or can operate quickly on your feet--but that even requires training at some point. I had no training, and I was told I did a sufficient job handling ignoramuses. And I am not one to really enjoy trying to find fights!
I wanted to do community service because I know how beneficial it is. I love community service from my days as a church deacon and a member of my Sorority. During the Kickoff event, we were asked to brainstorm what kind of community service event the group of us would like to do. I actually received support from the co-op trainers on brainstorming! There is a method. The groups that did their brainstorms, presented several good ideas, i.e. educate people about health reform, why it is important, at a health group that supports homelessness, disabled and elderly, etc. The core group who liked to work thought of a "Pea Patch" efforts and healthy eating and getting more people to share their health stories and volunteer.
After the event, I cried profusely, slept for most of the day, couldn't motivate myself beyond the humilation of not knowing or at least the feeling that I looked like I did not know anything about healthcare. In May or June, 2009 the public did NOT have enough information on Health Care Reform. Well, now we know. My local Sunday newspaper only had articles that bashed President. There are several reasons why. This experience left me with a very bad taste in my mouth. And while I can see some rays of light, 9 people said they want to plan a community service event with me, it still says you get some crazies that actually DO need psychiatric evaluations.
What pisses me off is that I didn't see them PLAN a meeting... NO ONE told them to attend my meeting. I continuously emailed them that this meeting was "scripted", so that if they disagreed with the activity, they did not have to attend. I am a health care person NOT a policy person on healthcare. I just want something different from what we already have. I would prefer reduced costs, maintain choice, and quality affordable health care for all--what the President asked us to do. My community needed to be uplifted and I would be overjoyed to be a part of that, have my business a part of that and go down in history to make that difference!!! But, planning an COMMUNITY SERVICE event to be yelled at sucks, especially when I am unemployed!
Breathe... I did a formal practice mindfulness exercise during a heated moment of the Kickoff and I found that it shuts down the crazies. This practice is one of the guerrilla tactics that can be used. Other tactics are singing, chanting, dancing--which in fact, why are people having sit down townhall meetings on HEALTH CARE meetings when a part of health care is physical fitness! At the start of shouting, do jumping jacks or some heavy duty cardio or "EVERY BODY DANCE NOW"--have fun with it! Work it out! People can't be that angry after the rush of endorphins! Use the biology that humans were born with! The other issue is when one uses mindfulness or other meditative response, they are attempting to come from a place of peace, love and calm to educate with patient reserve. Responding from this place at least brings people willing to listen, and even if they disagree, it is respectful. Mobbing, bullying and hostility is a spectator sport, puerile and ignorant. Returning it in anger, shows lack of preparation, discombobulation, and inability to take seriously. Some worry about weakness when being mindful or meditative, no, "to whom the gods wish to destroy, they must first make them angry"... A true teacher, educator, mentor does not get frustrated and use anger to destroy someone, it disrespects the other person's right to exist. To evolve, we humans cannot resort to old primitive mentalities that fail to propel us beyond uncontrollable disgusting dung.
After all the mobbing, bullying and hostilities, I am proud that I was a part of Health Care Reform during this summer. I am glad I took the lead because: If not me, then who? If not now, then when? I just need to calm down with guided imagery, behavioral health appointments and find support from people who believe that have foresight and vision! All that is left is me and I have been harangued since birth!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Everything is about choice... (TRIGGER--READ AT YOUR OWN RISK)
Everything is about choice. As adults we make our own choices in life. We choose to live whatever life gives us and it is not always fair. I have had a very unfair life and I am currently attempting to find opportunities where none exist. With Bipolar, sometimes it is very hard to keep that in mind when life has me down. I have to be mindful of my body placement--somewhat like "a check in point". I use to do this when I took ballet. To maintain a stance, position or pose for a significant time, required concentration and the delicate balance of my own muscles to keep that pose. And, I also had to keep my eyes focused on a distant object, without taking them off to complete either a stance, position, pose or even a movement, such as pique turn, turn, turns, rapidly and not wind up dizzy with a low arabesque. At one point in my life, I was extremely proficient.
I chose to drop out of ballet at 9.5 years old. I got bored with it, I was lonely in class, but I really don't know why I was allowed to make that decision, I just know I did actively make that choice. Let's just chalk that up to one of my life decisions I regret...
What does a down episode feel like? To those who do not suffer from any mental illness and read this blog, at the peak of my unmedicated stupor in college when I was 20 years old, I was making POOR CHOICES, setting myself up for failure, specifically my coursework, then when I inevitably failed, I would wonder how I allowed myself to get into these horrendous situations, especially with "the boys" after I knowingly placed myself and acted on impulse. I was not detached from reality, I knew I was making a poor choice, but I also know, if I risk it (my heart, my gusto for grades, my popularity, whatever), the profit of return would be huge or predictably, I would crap out--which I usually did...
Now this was after my intentional suicide attempt, so knowing I had a problem was not the issue, it was about how to treat, which I did not know. Back then, there was no internet, no WebMD, no books in the library at the college I attended, and the way I had racing thoughts, I doubt I could read them anyway--and why read some bogus "self-help" books when I NEED to be reading my course material? That's dumb! Or so I thought.
And I wanted a fantasy island, romantic getaway, with the boys (yes, boys) I liked. While I was running up under them, they wanted nothing to do with me other than... And stupid me, yes, I played that role, which often included binge drinking and smoking cigarettes. No, I was not trying to "be a part of the crowd" or "one of the gang"--more like I intentionally wanted to be numb...
Back then, there were ZERO studies that if you failed to take your anti-depressants, and there were no such things as Selective-Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI), that it would cause you problems. I did not know that. In fact, that was NOT explained to me of the importance to take psychotropic drugs, and why it was important. And I could not comprehend medical texts at that time. So here I was, taking powerful psychotropics, non-adhering, running around binge drinking, making discordant choices before the explosion of HIV/AIDS as a 20 year old! WTH? EXACTLY THAT'S NUTS!!! These days, there would be so many adults on children like "white on rice"...
So here I was, in college, feeling destitute and alienated. No one to talk to all because I made a poor choice and a dumb decision. That's life right? Wrong! Because I can go from 0 to 80 of making that poor choice and dumb decision worse...
I do not remember the EXACT timing of when it happened now after 20-odd year, I can still feel the ratcheting raw emotions that lead me to the decision I made. I believe this was on a weekday where class was in session. I may have failed a test or felt like I was failing. One of the boys I was into played me like a fool, again. I hardly ever got along with any of my roommates, I was just a poor roommate, at that time, communication was not my strongest talents. I may have failed to eat anything that day. That day was becoming another crummy day. I don't know if I was menstruating or I finished (key to remember). In an outburst, I left my dorm room that day, it was Fall, and I rushed to an isolated spot on campus, I don't know how I found it, and I sobbed. For all the poor choices I made to all the bad decisions I made to the people that were effected that I felt I hurt. I was hopeless, I felt helpless and not even my crying stopped the rush of angst...
So nearby my college, there was an Interstate freeway. And on that freeway was an overpass or bridge. At that time, bridges were not covered... Here is my thought that suddenly popped into my head during all that angst: "I could go to that overpass and I could jump head first, then all this pain I feel would be gone and that will end it..."
{Yes, as I write this, the images haunt my memories.}
Something... Something... Something told me... Something, somewhere, somehow, from nowhere, told me... Something, somewhere, somehow from out of nowhere told me to get up and get psychiatric help. Call, visit, speak. Whatever that was, whoever that was, I know who it was and it was NOT me! That was NOT my voice in my head at that time that said that to me...
Somehow, I found my way to the counseling center--which at that time, was for course counseling--advising. But it was the place I saw the few advisors I had who could help me. See, at that time, there were no formal psychiatric psychological services on small college campuses, especially the one I attended. So, basically, I was left untreated, unmedicated-non-adherent, binge drinking, in a full rapid cycle episode, discording relationships, at 20 years old... (For my physician friends, what's your diagnosis?)
By the time I got to see the psychiatrist who did part-time work, the people recommended that I be hospitalized to get stabilized on my medications, which takes ~1 week (yes, at that time it was 1 week). Remember, I had not been adhering to my meds and moreover, pharmacies did NOT have major computer access until I completed college... The other issue is I had to willingly go to the hospital, so the psychiatrist asked me if I wanted to go. Interestingly I said YES because I could not bear these painful thoughts...
The thing is this hospital was for drug/alcohol rehab. Not psychiatric care. There is a difference. While people who are drug/alcohol abusers could have mental health problems, such as depression, their treatments are usually suppressing the addiction to the substance. Not intensive cognitive behavioral therapy, like I needed. Moreover, I had a roommate in the hospital that came from my college. I will never forget her, ever. But the one thing I can say is she was cycling, too and she had been sexually abused by an uncle. Here is my problem truly biochemical, hers traumatic childhood experience. And our treatment modalities were the same... Same group sessions, same activities, same... It was like a precursor to prison, but costs people more personally... What I did get is massive testing, such as blood tests, psychological tests and evaluations. Remember, back in that day, there were no differentials to young women having manic episodes...
Then, I was released. I know I gave an evaluation, don't know what happened to it. I went back home, and my folks asked me what they get for their money and all I could show them was an art project... I was hurt because I could not pay for the damage I inflicted and I did not want my parents to pay for me--because at that time, I felt I was not worth it. Nonetheless, how was I suppose to stop these pervading thoughts from entering my mind?
My father took me to a "health food store" and spoke to a few of the natural herbal remedy counter. They referred me to Skullcap and Valarian. It was my first exposure to complementary alternative medicine and healing. I took these herbs to allow me to sleep more peacefully, and they did do there job. As I found out more about these herbs, I had to find a place that sold them where my college was--I found one. And through talking to one of the herbal remedy people, they handed me books about well-being, wellness care. I read those books with great interest. Concurrently, I had started taking a class at my college that discussed natural healing cures and remedies through food, one of them being garlic for high blood pressure. Never sorted out how it worked, exactly. Later I determined that the drug companies, suppressed the results of the natural products industry...
Somehow, my college hired a social worker to health with the mental health issues. I started seeing her and with her therapy, I got better. Then I asked her what she knew about herbal remedies, she said she remembered that the supplement, Tryptophan, assists people to sleep. So, I got some and it worked! Then it was published that a "rare eosinophilia" is caused by Tryptophan usage and the FDA pulled it off the market... Within 2 weeks, Prozac was introduced...
But I wrote this blog to let people know that we all have to keep that power to make good choices in our lives. If I had not made the choice to go to be hospitalized, I would be dead due to suicide and could not share this story with you today. Also, I would have not learned ANYTHING about complementary healing arts and holistic, wellness and well-being. I would be nowhere need to the recovery levels I am today.
What I do know is this is NOT a path for the newly diagnosed. Work with your team, and remember the path along your recovery journey and find your space that will lead you to well-being or Ariafya!
If you need support, questions, or overall motivation by coaching, talk to me through my website at Ariafya.com
I chose to drop out of ballet at 9.5 years old. I got bored with it, I was lonely in class, but I really don't know why I was allowed to make that decision, I just know I did actively make that choice. Let's just chalk that up to one of my life decisions I regret...
What does a down episode feel like? To those who do not suffer from any mental illness and read this blog, at the peak of my unmedicated stupor in college when I was 20 years old, I was making POOR CHOICES, setting myself up for failure, specifically my coursework, then when I inevitably failed, I would wonder how I allowed myself to get into these horrendous situations, especially with "the boys" after I knowingly placed myself and acted on impulse. I was not detached from reality, I knew I was making a poor choice, but I also know, if I risk it (my heart, my gusto for grades, my popularity, whatever), the profit of return would be huge or predictably, I would crap out--which I usually did...
Now this was after my intentional suicide attempt, so knowing I had a problem was not the issue, it was about how to treat, which I did not know. Back then, there was no internet, no WebMD, no books in the library at the college I attended, and the way I had racing thoughts, I doubt I could read them anyway--and why read some bogus "self-help" books when I NEED to be reading my course material? That's dumb! Or so I thought.
And I wanted a fantasy island, romantic getaway, with the boys (yes, boys) I liked. While I was running up under them, they wanted nothing to do with me other than... And stupid me, yes, I played that role, which often included binge drinking and smoking cigarettes. No, I was not trying to "be a part of the crowd" or "one of the gang"--more like I intentionally wanted to be numb...
Back then, there were ZERO studies that if you failed to take your anti-depressants, and there were no such things as Selective-Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI), that it would cause you problems. I did not know that. In fact, that was NOT explained to me of the importance to take psychotropic drugs, and why it was important. And I could not comprehend medical texts at that time. So here I was, taking powerful psychotropics, non-adhering, running around binge drinking, making discordant choices before the explosion of HIV/AIDS as a 20 year old! WTH? EXACTLY THAT'S NUTS!!! These days, there would be so many adults on children like "white on rice"...
So here I was, in college, feeling destitute and alienated. No one to talk to all because I made a poor choice and a dumb decision. That's life right? Wrong! Because I can go from 0 to 80 of making that poor choice and dumb decision worse...
I do not remember the EXACT timing of when it happened now after 20-odd year, I can still feel the ratcheting raw emotions that lead me to the decision I made. I believe this was on a weekday where class was in session. I may have failed a test or felt like I was failing. One of the boys I was into played me like a fool, again. I hardly ever got along with any of my roommates, I was just a poor roommate, at that time, communication was not my strongest talents. I may have failed to eat anything that day. That day was becoming another crummy day. I don't know if I was menstruating or I finished (key to remember). In an outburst, I left my dorm room that day, it was Fall, and I rushed to an isolated spot on campus, I don't know how I found it, and I sobbed. For all the poor choices I made to all the bad decisions I made to the people that were effected that I felt I hurt. I was hopeless, I felt helpless and not even my crying stopped the rush of angst...
So nearby my college, there was an Interstate freeway. And on that freeway was an overpass or bridge. At that time, bridges were not covered... Here is my thought that suddenly popped into my head during all that angst: "I could go to that overpass and I could jump head first, then all this pain I feel would be gone and that will end it..."
{Yes, as I write this, the images haunt my memories.}
Something... Something... Something told me... Something, somewhere, somehow, from nowhere, told me... Something, somewhere, somehow from out of nowhere told me to get up and get psychiatric help. Call, visit, speak. Whatever that was, whoever that was, I know who it was and it was NOT me! That was NOT my voice in my head at that time that said that to me...
Somehow, I found my way to the counseling center--which at that time, was for course counseling--advising. But it was the place I saw the few advisors I had who could help me. See, at that time, there were no formal psychiatric psychological services on small college campuses, especially the one I attended. So, basically, I was left untreated, unmedicated-non-adherent, binge drinking, in a full rapid cycle episode, discording relationships, at 20 years old... (For my physician friends, what's your diagnosis?)
By the time I got to see the psychiatrist who did part-time work, the people recommended that I be hospitalized to get stabilized on my medications, which takes ~1 week (yes, at that time it was 1 week). Remember, I had not been adhering to my meds and moreover, pharmacies did NOT have major computer access until I completed college... The other issue is I had to willingly go to the hospital, so the psychiatrist asked me if I wanted to go. Interestingly I said YES because I could not bear these painful thoughts...
The thing is this hospital was for drug/alcohol rehab. Not psychiatric care. There is a difference. While people who are drug/alcohol abusers could have mental health problems, such as depression, their treatments are usually suppressing the addiction to the substance. Not intensive cognitive behavioral therapy, like I needed. Moreover, I had a roommate in the hospital that came from my college. I will never forget her, ever. But the one thing I can say is she was cycling, too and she had been sexually abused by an uncle. Here is my problem truly biochemical, hers traumatic childhood experience. And our treatment modalities were the same... Same group sessions, same activities, same... It was like a precursor to prison, but costs people more personally... What I did get is massive testing, such as blood tests, psychological tests and evaluations. Remember, back in that day, there were no differentials to young women having manic episodes...
Then, I was released. I know I gave an evaluation, don't know what happened to it. I went back home, and my folks asked me what they get for their money and all I could show them was an art project... I was hurt because I could not pay for the damage I inflicted and I did not want my parents to pay for me--because at that time, I felt I was not worth it. Nonetheless, how was I suppose to stop these pervading thoughts from entering my mind?
My father took me to a "health food store" and spoke to a few of the natural herbal remedy counter. They referred me to Skullcap and Valarian. It was my first exposure to complementary alternative medicine and healing. I took these herbs to allow me to sleep more peacefully, and they did do there job. As I found out more about these herbs, I had to find a place that sold them where my college was--I found one. And through talking to one of the herbal remedy people, they handed me books about well-being, wellness care. I read those books with great interest. Concurrently, I had started taking a class at my college that discussed natural healing cures and remedies through food, one of them being garlic for high blood pressure. Never sorted out how it worked, exactly. Later I determined that the drug companies, suppressed the results of the natural products industry...
Somehow, my college hired a social worker to health with the mental health issues. I started seeing her and with her therapy, I got better. Then I asked her what she knew about herbal remedies, she said she remembered that the supplement, Tryptophan, assists people to sleep. So, I got some and it worked! Then it was published that a "rare eosinophilia" is caused by Tryptophan usage and the FDA pulled it off the market... Within 2 weeks, Prozac was introduced...
But I wrote this blog to let people know that we all have to keep that power to make good choices in our lives. If I had not made the choice to go to be hospitalized, I would be dead due to suicide and could not share this story with you today. Also, I would have not learned ANYTHING about complementary healing arts and holistic, wellness and well-being. I would be nowhere need to the recovery levels I am today.
What I do know is this is NOT a path for the newly diagnosed. Work with your team, and remember the path along your recovery journey and find your space that will lead you to well-being or Ariafya!
If you need support, questions, or overall motivation by coaching, talk to me through my website at Ariafya.com
Friday, July 31, 2009
The right to NOT go back to my original career!
Right now, I do not have a job. Therefore, I have no income from someone else, like a boss, paying me to do a job. I was laid off in October, 2008. I have not worked since that time. I have repeatedly looked for a variety of positions that I thought I would like, give me forward movement, change my perception, etc. I dislike my job in 2008 because of several reasons. First, it was tedious and lack intellectual challenges that I needed to keep me engaged. Second, I think I got tired of expending some much thought energy to something I got little happiness or satisfaction out of. You know how the pundits say, do something you love, even if you do not get paid--you still enjoy it? Well, that job I had, I hated every day of it. Hence the reason I got laid off after wasting ~5 months of my life.
Another issue is you know how at a certain age, you feel you should be somewhere in your life after hard work and effort? I have been in school since being school-aged. My entire life has been devoted to learning. I have gotten some rewards to attaining my educational degrees. I have small experiences related to career-worklife. But where I lack those concepts, I make up for the wonderment of my ideas. I don't know how I get them, whether I ponder ideas or they just pop into my head, the fact remains, that I think many of my thoughts are marketable and can make money given a chance.
The other issue is I hit my intellectual peak. There are so many sp1 orbitals I want to remember. I do not want to know if the Kreb's cycle intermediates generate the correct isotopemers. Nor do I care for the specific activity of C-14 intermediates in catheterized human cells to estimate turnover. I cannot remember if F=ma or the current = voltage X resistance. I just do not want to think that way anymore. I cannot do it anymore, so when I have to read the scientific articles, I have become illiterate. Not by choice. But, by some sort of stroke induced mental block. If I think about it, I become stressed and stroke out and that part of my brain is wasted... It doesn't mean I cannot go back to it, but lately within the last 2-3 years, I cannot read, study, understand and discuss these hard core scientific studies anymore. I cannot, and I will not. I am in a state of rebellious pre-contemplation...
I KNOW there are some things I can do. I can organize people well! I love planning events related to learning and find sponsors and supporters. I know how to connect people up and network with them. I are really good at listening and I am getting better every day. I can use motivational interviewing techniques with appreciative inquiry to propel people forward to become their best mental health and wellness self.
I love coaching my practice clients. I could do it even if I do not get paid to do it. I like seeing others happy through the work I have done. I love making others joyful and happy. That makes me happy and joyful.
And while, what gives me my gratitude is often underappreciated, I keep helping those who want and need my help. I keep doing it in the midst of my own pain. I might look like a doormat, but I see it as soul-work for myself. Spirit work for a higher cause. I see this as my penitence for the damages I incurred through my mental health disorder and the utmost desire for self-hurt and suicide. I never thought God would lead me to my "peace", but God surprises me again! Just like I never thought He would lead me to a husband, but in His own time, he did.
So that is how I know I am doing what I am suppose to be doing. Living the life as He has asked me to. If God chooses to remove me from my situation, I just pray it will not be in utter suffering and pain. I ask to tiny joys. I am not asking to be rich beyond all my dreams, I just ask for wisdom to help others who suffer. And while I am not a direct healer, like a clinician, I feel I am becoming a "guru healer" "wise woman", that when all else has not worked, I am the one who can find a way to heal through the power within.
I do not really want to be all that famous, however, I want to touch the lives of all I engage. I just want to help... And that is where I am now...
Another issue is you know how at a certain age, you feel you should be somewhere in your life after hard work and effort? I have been in school since being school-aged. My entire life has been devoted to learning. I have gotten some rewards to attaining my educational degrees. I have small experiences related to career-worklife. But where I lack those concepts, I make up for the wonderment of my ideas. I don't know how I get them, whether I ponder ideas or they just pop into my head, the fact remains, that I think many of my thoughts are marketable and can make money given a chance.
The other issue is I hit my intellectual peak. There are so many sp1 orbitals I want to remember. I do not want to know if the Kreb's cycle intermediates generate the correct isotopemers. Nor do I care for the specific activity of C-14 intermediates in catheterized human cells to estimate turnover. I cannot remember if F=ma or the current = voltage X resistance. I just do not want to think that way anymore. I cannot do it anymore, so when I have to read the scientific articles, I have become illiterate. Not by choice. But, by some sort of stroke induced mental block. If I think about it, I become stressed and stroke out and that part of my brain is wasted... It doesn't mean I cannot go back to it, but lately within the last 2-3 years, I cannot read, study, understand and discuss these hard core scientific studies anymore. I cannot, and I will not. I am in a state of rebellious pre-contemplation...
I KNOW there are some things I can do. I can organize people well! I love planning events related to learning and find sponsors and supporters. I know how to connect people up and network with them. I are really good at listening and I am getting better every day. I can use motivational interviewing techniques with appreciative inquiry to propel people forward to become their best mental health and wellness self.
I love coaching my practice clients. I could do it even if I do not get paid to do it. I like seeing others happy through the work I have done. I love making others joyful and happy. That makes me happy and joyful.
And while, what gives me my gratitude is often underappreciated, I keep helping those who want and need my help. I keep doing it in the midst of my own pain. I might look like a doormat, but I see it as soul-work for myself. Spirit work for a higher cause. I see this as my penitence for the damages I incurred through my mental health disorder and the utmost desire for self-hurt and suicide. I never thought God would lead me to my "peace", but God surprises me again! Just like I never thought He would lead me to a husband, but in His own time, he did.
So that is how I know I am doing what I am suppose to be doing. Living the life as He has asked me to. If God chooses to remove me from my situation, I just pray it will not be in utter suffering and pain. I ask to tiny joys. I am not asking to be rich beyond all my dreams, I just ask for wisdom to help others who suffer. And while I am not a direct healer, like a clinician, I feel I am becoming a "guru healer" "wise woman", that when all else has not worked, I am the one who can find a way to heal through the power within.
I do not really want to be all that famous, however, I want to touch the lives of all I engage. I just want to help... And that is where I am now...
Wow! Real Housewives of the ATL
Okey, I'm a noobz to this reality show, Real Housewives of Atlanta, but I found that behavior disturbing to say the least. Now, I know that the producers of this show, or whoever greenlighted the show probably wanted crazy women, mostly African American, to fight like cats and dogs with constant high schoolishness, but seriously, folks are 30/40-something years old...
Then only 2 this new season are actually MARRIED as housewives. The other 2 are divorcees. Then there is a new one who is being indoctrinated.
I see this as a marketing ploy to bolsters one's market share because it may be all these women want is to be celebrities and this is how--no matter how infamous. But talent takes you a long way. As far as I can see the neophyte has the real talent and hopefully, I would like to see success in her endeavors.
But the behavior of all these women is selfishness. Me.com! All this Fantasy Island glitterati with little to no effort. Just because they married a "ball player"--that's why they are "Housewives"? Well, to each her own. I can watch Robot Chicken & be a Cylon...
A young lady, Sheree', who seems to want to make herself classy wanted to have an "independence party" due to her divorce being final. She wanted a helicopter to fly her in with Strange' kind of Queen of the Nile stuff to be worshiped! Why? Then why have that lunacy in the city you live? Go to Monaco or something? Nice, Marseilles or the Greek Isles where they would ACTUALLY worship the ground you walk on just because you exude glamor and glitz. If you want to be independent, independently go to a foreign country, like Dubai and rock it like that there if you have it. But dayum, game needs to be anted up. Why argue with Mr. Party Planner who obviously did not know between his butt and the hole in the ground. Going off showed all your veins pulsating in your neck and that was ugly. Doubt your character is a mark of that! He's the one that has a poor reflection on his business, not you!
Then only 2 this new season are actually MARRIED as housewives. The other 2 are divorcees. Then there is a new one who is being indoctrinated.
I see this as a marketing ploy to bolsters one's market share because it may be all these women want is to be celebrities and this is how--no matter how infamous. But talent takes you a long way. As far as I can see the neophyte has the real talent and hopefully, I would like to see success in her endeavors.
But the behavior of all these women is selfishness. Me.com! All this Fantasy Island glitterati with little to no effort. Just because they married a "ball player"--that's why they are "Housewives"? Well, to each her own. I can watch Robot Chicken & be a Cylon...
A young lady, Sheree', who seems to want to make herself classy wanted to have an "independence party" due to her divorce being final. She wanted a helicopter to fly her in with Strange' kind of Queen of the Nile stuff to be worshiped! Why? Then why have that lunacy in the city you live? Go to Monaco or something? Nice, Marseilles or the Greek Isles where they would ACTUALLY worship the ground you walk on just because you exude glamor and glitz. If you want to be independent, independently go to a foreign country, like Dubai and rock it like that there if you have it. But dayum, game needs to be anted up. Why argue with Mr. Party Planner who obviously did not know between his butt and the hole in the ground. Going off showed all your veins pulsating in your neck and that was ugly. Doubt your character is a mark of that! He's the one that has a poor reflection on his business, not you!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Acting stupidly!
How can we humans have a positive discussion about race? I don't want to talk about race. I don't care anymore! I am acting stupidly! I've lost my career I developed over 15 years because of race. I have lost my groups of friends because of race. Race is nothing more than acting stupidly. I am reminding of my race every time I go grocery shopping. Or it is when I fail to take my medications? I don't know anymore. This racialized culture in the United States is stupid-ly!
We are all acting stupidly dealing with this ignorance. As I am in recovery from my mental illness, bipolar disorder 2, how do I balance between the normal symptoms of my mental illness and the ignorant comments made by stupid people, including myself?
Well, like General Colin Powell said, you suck it up. Take a breath and try a teachable moment? When I feel my life, liberty and freedom is threatened--something that is insured by the United States government? Oh, wait, freedom isn't always free. That's right, I was acting stupidly.
Why should I have a chip on my shoulder? Not trusting anyone with my psychological assurance? That means, letting my guard down and being who I really am... Who am I? Really? I do not fit people's definitions other than the stereotype. And I refuse to live up to the stereotype and act crazy stupidly, so why trust anyone with my psychological assurance? Too hard to do the work that does not pay my rent.
It is easier to ignore the offense and stuff it in a box and try to come back to it later. But see, that causes stress, that stress is stuffed in bad places in the body and by the time it is gotten back to it, it is during medical catastrophes--cancer, heart disease, stroke, etc. That is the cost of acting stupidly... This abuse of assumptive stereotyping causes psychological trauma victimizing the target.
Sure, I can act stupidly, but my longevity is impacted, the amount of service I can do to the citizenry and community is minimized. The full expansive potential of who I really am, Divine Royalty, is like containing something meant to be in a box that cannot happen by physical means. All that is left is I can only call out, cry and yell...
There is more to life than this. I know, I've seen it. I will not just act, stupidly. I will not be someone who will accept this suggestion.
How I see it is that asking Dr. Gates to let it go is just like telling a rape victim to let it go after a henious rape or a combat veteran to get over those nightmarish traumas encountered. That is irresponsible. And racial psychological trauma is no different, as manifested by a government law enforcement officer.
Does every interaction with law enforcement contentious? Why? Are they not public servants? Is this a business design, rather than governing under laws by a democracy?
We are all acting stupidly dealing with this ignorance. As I am in recovery from my mental illness, bipolar disorder 2, how do I balance between the normal symptoms of my mental illness and the ignorant comments made by stupid people, including myself?
Well, like General Colin Powell said, you suck it up. Take a breath and try a teachable moment? When I feel my life, liberty and freedom is threatened--something that is insured by the United States government? Oh, wait, freedom isn't always free. That's right, I was acting stupidly.
Why should I have a chip on my shoulder? Not trusting anyone with my psychological assurance? That means, letting my guard down and being who I really am... Who am I? Really? I do not fit people's definitions other than the stereotype. And I refuse to live up to the stereotype and act crazy stupidly, so why trust anyone with my psychological assurance? Too hard to do the work that does not pay my rent.
It is easier to ignore the offense and stuff it in a box and try to come back to it later. But see, that causes stress, that stress is stuffed in bad places in the body and by the time it is gotten back to it, it is during medical catastrophes--cancer, heart disease, stroke, etc. That is the cost of acting stupidly... This abuse of assumptive stereotyping causes psychological trauma victimizing the target.
Sure, I can act stupidly, but my longevity is impacted, the amount of service I can do to the citizenry and community is minimized. The full expansive potential of who I really am, Divine Royalty, is like containing something meant to be in a box that cannot happen by physical means. All that is left is I can only call out, cry and yell...
There is more to life than this. I know, I've seen it. I will not just act, stupidly. I will not be someone who will accept this suggestion.
How I see it is that asking Dr. Gates to let it go is just like telling a rape victim to let it go after a henious rape or a combat veteran to get over those nightmarish traumas encountered. That is irresponsible. And racial psychological trauma is no different, as manifested by a government law enforcement officer.
Does every interaction with law enforcement contentious? Why? Are they not public servants? Is this a business design, rather than governing under laws by a democracy?
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friends? How many of us have them?
I'll admit, I know a lot of people. I travel in many circles and acquaintances abound. But the people that KNOW ME HAVE TO LOVE ME because of this crazy bipolar. One time I'm up, the next I'm down and it can be tough when I am in a new situation, or a new city.
Do you tell people you suffer from bipolar?
RARELY do I. Why? The stigma of having a mental illness. Facing the ridicule. The sly, glib and ignorant comments. I don't need that and I don't want it. I have worked so hard to maintain most of my balance and sometimes, I have off-kilter days. During those times, I avoid people-yes, I've read that it is not the best thing to do, but it is all I have got to control my rage when these same people piss me off. But, like a volcano, it is unpredictable...
When I deal with ignorant people and they say dumb stuff or treat me poorly, my body negatively responds to that. Depending on the comment made, like if it is about work, I will try to educate. If it has nothing to do about work, I choose not to educate. If it is anything personal, I shut it down immediately. I choose to leave and have nothing to do with these people because I do not know them well enough to maintain my sanity. And I will NOT let them disturb that about me. Actually, that is the latest development. Some would say, it is running away--I would call it "I have too much on my plate at this time and I do not need that..."
When does this issue arise? Well let me explain how it was before I incorporated that mentality. Prior to my medical accident in 2003, I would try to prove to people that I was smart enough, good enough, and I liked me (just like in the SNL skit by former actor, Senator Al Franken). After my medical accident and not really knowing what happened to me, while being in recovery, I asked what is the point "proving" anything to anyone? What do I have to prove? If these people do not appreciate all the attributes and qualities of who I am, what I am and what I stand for after what I have created for them, then they are at a loss, they choose to be stupid, they are unappreciative and they have the problem. I have ZERO to prove! I have not committed a crime, I have NOT intentionally hurt anyone with malice and I have NOT tried to go out of my way to subjugated anybody because it is well within my means to do so. Those are NOT the values I uphold as my guiding principles. I choose different principles and those are entrenched in my life's experience and I know I have something to share and say about them!
It took at least 5 years for me to get to that point. So, the dead weight that once burdened me with spiritual vampires sucking out my life's energy from me suddenly makes my circle of friends very small. And most of those friends live at a distance. What is ironic is I have one close male friend, my husband, but I can only share concepts that need can relate to, such as ESPN, cartoons, and technophile stuff. So our conversations are limited unless it is something serious, like the usual serious stuff marriages discuss. I have other friends who are men where I reside, but they truly act like boys sometimes, getting raunchy, discussing sexual conquests and proclivities, and gossiping maliciously. Men ironically tend to do that, rarely around women. And if a woman wants to "hang out" with the boys, she will not want to feministically question their logic on their discussions if she wants to learn more...
The female friends I have had since I was a child. Those friends will not change, EVER! I will have them for the rest of my life. Like sisters they will remain. Other social networks help, but the physical calling and contacting cannot replace what social media provides. And while I abundantly use social media, the full social dimensions of somebody poorly describes a person even with a picture. Sure one can tell some aspects of how someone thinks through the current web 2.0 platforms we currently use today. But, thoughts are NOT behaviors or mannerisms or appearances, or facial movements that allows the fullest flavor of having friends. So, while nice to connect with people on social media, it is only ONE aspect to the totality of that human being. And all of users, including myself, must NOT forget that!
One way to make friends is by joining groups. Especially when you are new to a city. In late 2003/2004 I was new the Seattle Area. My husband had to fortunate luck of not really caring about who his friends were. Men like him tend to be that way. So, in essence, his buddies were his drinking buddies who got into vicarious situations. That had to be cut because I was not going deal with that early in our marriage. He changed. Some of his buddies were married, and I tried to befriend these women, but they were vile toward me, like competitors. Why? I will never know and do I want to know? What made me write "I HATE SEATTLE" is this, "crabs in a barrel mentality" or competition when there is no competition. I may be bipolar crazy, but these women are NO competition against me. Just by my mere presence I outcompete them, if they are that insecure! So, I told my husband I am not being a part of his group of friends. I know that hurt him so, but after that vicarious situation, he began to understand that. Besides, I could have upgraded that game at that time with these women, if they wanted competition. Dumbasses! Those tactics I learned in Texas...
Ironically, the female friends I have had to cut from "Team Dr. Gina" are the ones that harmed and defiled my space so much that I could not possibly allow them into my life. It is not just that they constantly challenged every waking move I made, it was on the roughest, foggiest and harshest mind terrain these old biddies could conjure! What was going on in their minds about me was perverted and I do not really want to know. The values they were telling me where not the values I felt I was displaying and it was unfair, unrealistic and outright ugly. I would create wonders before their eyes and get ready for the emotional defeatism I felt due to the harsh, demeaning criticism I received. I cried in a corner for days and while I could talk to one of my closest friends of all, my mother, since she was not there, I was unable to fully explained to her accurately what happened on any forms of communication.
Last year, I thought I could successfully handle a very tough assignment for a group I hold dear into my heart. I did handle it, quite successfully and learned how to get a tough activity organized. But the way I was treated by my committee members and yelled at when I was the chairman of this committee, what inexcusable... At that time in my life, I had just made the toughest worklife decision I could ever make, my job caused me so much mental strife, I gained excessive weight, I was evil to people that had done nothing to me-like the grocery store clerk, and I felt accused of something I had not even started yet. The worse thing about this job was, the physical symptoms of my medical accident start reappearing: breakthough menstrual cycle bleeding and the scariest one, I would go to use the restroom and sit, then the walls spun, the dizziness had come back and I was told not to drive. Old mania habits that I had not controlled in a long time came back, ie misplaning experiments, disorganization, lack of focus, stress. I saw where I was going and what I would become if I had continued along that path and I did not like it. So I left. I simply packed my "bags" and left. Rarely have I looked back and be remorseful regarding that decision, because, it surely would have caused me a chronic illness.
But back to the group I held dear, after I encountered that, I took a one month break from all of that lunacy. While the outcome turned out to be more than stellar, I needed a break. Then one month became two, then three and then I decided hey, this feels pretty good! Well, they summarily kicked me out of the group! Of course, their rules. But I wrote a very harsh letter with emotional damaged and I let it go... I miss them from time to time, but I am FREE from the psychological torture to my soul!
There was another group I was a part of, and really, decisions could not be made in a timely manner. I had to leave that group.
There was another group of women that could not get organized, left that group.
See the pattern? I am leaving groups and I guess that is now incorporated in my psyche now since I had not done it before. I finish what I start, but I don't play the BS game. Don't should on me. DO IT! If you want to make something happen, bring it into being!
Now, I am embarking upon another group, and I am fearful because I do not know these women, they seem nice, and well-meaning, but... The difference is, they are not... No, I am in a different place and more receptive and open-minded.
I just had to leave another group because I don't need to be spoken harshy by anyone who is NOT paying me or NOT a customer. If we are collaborators they we speak to each other civilly, I deserve that much. I did what I was asked, but I cut that negativity from me because I am not playing with ignoramouses about me anymore. If they choose not to learn about me, fine. But don't be upset when I start to make my moves and you are not on the bandwagon, because you will get refused!
I have a long memory. Unfortunately, for the bad ways people treated me. I taught myself as a form of self-soothing, "if you can't beat them, join them. If you can't join them, leave..." I have joined plenty and not I am leaving. I can take my toys elsewhere and play in a different sandbox. I don't need to play with silliness anymore. It is now ALL about my business: The Ariafya Universe and if folks come to me with anything other than to propel my business to its peak...
Do you tell people you suffer from bipolar?
RARELY do I. Why? The stigma of having a mental illness. Facing the ridicule. The sly, glib and ignorant comments. I don't need that and I don't want it. I have worked so hard to maintain most of my balance and sometimes, I have off-kilter days. During those times, I avoid people-yes, I've read that it is not the best thing to do, but it is all I have got to control my rage when these same people piss me off. But, like a volcano, it is unpredictable...
When I deal with ignorant people and they say dumb stuff or treat me poorly, my body negatively responds to that. Depending on the comment made, like if it is about work, I will try to educate. If it has nothing to do about work, I choose not to educate. If it is anything personal, I shut it down immediately. I choose to leave and have nothing to do with these people because I do not know them well enough to maintain my sanity. And I will NOT let them disturb that about me. Actually, that is the latest development. Some would say, it is running away--I would call it "I have too much on my plate at this time and I do not need that..."
When does this issue arise? Well let me explain how it was before I incorporated that mentality. Prior to my medical accident in 2003, I would try to prove to people that I was smart enough, good enough, and I liked me (just like in the SNL skit by former actor, Senator Al Franken). After my medical accident and not really knowing what happened to me, while being in recovery, I asked what is the point "proving" anything to anyone? What do I have to prove? If these people do not appreciate all the attributes and qualities of who I am, what I am and what I stand for after what I have created for them, then they are at a loss, they choose to be stupid, they are unappreciative and they have the problem. I have ZERO to prove! I have not committed a crime, I have NOT intentionally hurt anyone with malice and I have NOT tried to go out of my way to subjugated anybody because it is well within my means to do so. Those are NOT the values I uphold as my guiding principles. I choose different principles and those are entrenched in my life's experience and I know I have something to share and say about them!
It took at least 5 years for me to get to that point. So, the dead weight that once burdened me with spiritual vampires sucking out my life's energy from me suddenly makes my circle of friends very small. And most of those friends live at a distance. What is ironic is I have one close male friend, my husband, but I can only share concepts that need can relate to, such as ESPN, cartoons, and technophile stuff. So our conversations are limited unless it is something serious, like the usual serious stuff marriages discuss. I have other friends who are men where I reside, but they truly act like boys sometimes, getting raunchy, discussing sexual conquests and proclivities, and gossiping maliciously. Men ironically tend to do that, rarely around women. And if a woman wants to "hang out" with the boys, she will not want to feministically question their logic on their discussions if she wants to learn more...
The female friends I have had since I was a child. Those friends will not change, EVER! I will have them for the rest of my life. Like sisters they will remain. Other social networks help, but the physical calling and contacting cannot replace what social media provides. And while I abundantly use social media, the full social dimensions of somebody poorly describes a person even with a picture. Sure one can tell some aspects of how someone thinks through the current web 2.0 platforms we currently use today. But, thoughts are NOT behaviors or mannerisms or appearances, or facial movements that allows the fullest flavor of having friends. So, while nice to connect with people on social media, it is only ONE aspect to the totality of that human being. And all of users, including myself, must NOT forget that!
One way to make friends is by joining groups. Especially when you are new to a city. In late 2003/2004 I was new the Seattle Area. My husband had to fortunate luck of not really caring about who his friends were. Men like him tend to be that way. So, in essence, his buddies were his drinking buddies who got into vicarious situations. That had to be cut because I was not going deal with that early in our marriage. He changed. Some of his buddies were married, and I tried to befriend these women, but they were vile toward me, like competitors. Why? I will never know and do I want to know? What made me write "I HATE SEATTLE" is this, "crabs in a barrel mentality" or competition when there is no competition. I may be bipolar crazy, but these women are NO competition against me. Just by my mere presence I outcompete them, if they are that insecure! So, I told my husband I am not being a part of his group of friends. I know that hurt him so, but after that vicarious situation, he began to understand that. Besides, I could have upgraded that game at that time with these women, if they wanted competition. Dumbasses! Those tactics I learned in Texas...
Ironically, the female friends I have had to cut from "Team Dr. Gina" are the ones that harmed and defiled my space so much that I could not possibly allow them into my life. It is not just that they constantly challenged every waking move I made, it was on the roughest, foggiest and harshest mind terrain these old biddies could conjure! What was going on in their minds about me was perverted and I do not really want to know. The values they were telling me where not the values I felt I was displaying and it was unfair, unrealistic and outright ugly. I would create wonders before their eyes and get ready for the emotional defeatism I felt due to the harsh, demeaning criticism I received. I cried in a corner for days and while I could talk to one of my closest friends of all, my mother, since she was not there, I was unable to fully explained to her accurately what happened on any forms of communication.
Last year, I thought I could successfully handle a very tough assignment for a group I hold dear into my heart. I did handle it, quite successfully and learned how to get a tough activity organized. But the way I was treated by my committee members and yelled at when I was the chairman of this committee, what inexcusable... At that time in my life, I had just made the toughest worklife decision I could ever make, my job caused me so much mental strife, I gained excessive weight, I was evil to people that had done nothing to me-like the grocery store clerk, and I felt accused of something I had not even started yet. The worse thing about this job was, the physical symptoms of my medical accident start reappearing: breakthough menstrual cycle bleeding and the scariest one, I would go to use the restroom and sit, then the walls spun, the dizziness had come back and I was told not to drive. Old mania habits that I had not controlled in a long time came back, ie misplaning experiments, disorganization, lack of focus, stress. I saw where I was going and what I would become if I had continued along that path and I did not like it. So I left. I simply packed my "bags" and left. Rarely have I looked back and be remorseful regarding that decision, because, it surely would have caused me a chronic illness.
But back to the group I held dear, after I encountered that, I took a one month break from all of that lunacy. While the outcome turned out to be more than stellar, I needed a break. Then one month became two, then three and then I decided hey, this feels pretty good! Well, they summarily kicked me out of the group! Of course, their rules. But I wrote a very harsh letter with emotional damaged and I let it go... I miss them from time to time, but I am FREE from the psychological torture to my soul!
There was another group I was a part of, and really, decisions could not be made in a timely manner. I had to leave that group.
There was another group of women that could not get organized, left that group.
See the pattern? I am leaving groups and I guess that is now incorporated in my psyche now since I had not done it before. I finish what I start, but I don't play the BS game. Don't should on me. DO IT! If you want to make something happen, bring it into being!
Now, I am embarking upon another group, and I am fearful because I do not know these women, they seem nice, and well-meaning, but... The difference is, they are not... No, I am in a different place and more receptive and open-minded.
I just had to leave another group because I don't need to be spoken harshy by anyone who is NOT paying me or NOT a customer. If we are collaborators they we speak to each other civilly, I deserve that much. I did what I was asked, but I cut that negativity from me because I am not playing with ignoramouses about me anymore. If they choose not to learn about me, fine. But don't be upset when I start to make my moves and you are not on the bandwagon, because you will get refused!
I have a long memory. Unfortunately, for the bad ways people treated me. I taught myself as a form of self-soothing, "if you can't beat them, join them. If you can't join them, leave..." I have joined plenty and not I am leaving. I can take my toys elsewhere and play in a different sandbox. I don't need to play with silliness anymore. It is now ALL about my business: The Ariafya Universe and if folks come to me with anything other than to propel my business to its peak...
Friday, July 24, 2009
We humans can do better
I hold a doctorate in molecular genetics and my viewpoint of this Universe is always one of curiosity, inquisitiveness and wonderment. I also view human beings as fellow caretakers on planet Earth along with all the other living organisms. As far as anyone else knows, we humans have impacted the Earth greatly-some might say greater than the Yucatan peninsula meteor that hit the Earth in the Jurassic that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.
Currently, within the last 100 years we have made and seen a vast acceleration of science, technology, engineering, manufacturing and industry (STEMI). We have defied our humanly possible biological speed through creation of cars. We have defied gravity with planes. We have defied the Heavens by outerspace travel. We have defied suffering from henious disease, such as polio, use of antibiotics and novel surgical procedures from open heart surgery, separation of conjoined twins connected by their brains, and the ability to add longevity to industrialized nation's lives. Moreover, we have defied our inability to see one another through increased communications, from telephones, televisions, satellites, radio to computers.
I wonder about our emotional social structure. Humans are social beings. Human babies born without a human touch, caress or coo, have a failure to thrive and often die. The cues are thought to be immediate after birth. And within 2 weeks, a human infant KNOWS its mother's voice and within 3 weeks, a human infant KNOWS its mother's face. The molecular biological mechansims at play here are vigorously being investigated. Why we humans do what we do to one another and how we interact interests me from an evolutionary, molecular genetic, mental health and biological perspective.
My point is: We humans can do better!
I was reared in a strong Christian household. My denomination is Presbyterian. I was taught the Bible at a young impressionable age. I do not lord it over anyone. This is about providing perspective to readers. Also, this is not faulting, because I cannot change my past. But, I am bringing this up because what has always intrigued me is this concept of "Love". Specifically in the New Testament's scriptures of "As I have loved you, so must you love one another", "God is Love", "Beloved". I know about the Greek definitions of Love: Agape, Eros and Philos. There are other forms of Love, from the Hindu, Tantra & Kama Sutra leading to Divine Love. And there are a few scientific studies attempting to understand the reason and concept about "Love".
Only a few animal species incorporate Love into their daily lives. Bonobos, Gorillas and Chimps. It is thought Dolphins and Orcas do too, but how, is unclear. How these animal species love has some investigations. Notice how the Large Apes even have that emotion. Separate one of these animals from their "clade" and it is possible the being will not survive without massive intervention.
But as humans, we need to feel love internally and externally. These days it appears more externally than internally. I know, because when I suffer from bipolar on the depression side, it is often when I love myself the least that I must feel love more externally. That external love for me looks differently depending on the circumstance. Externally, I get love from a large piece of chocolate cake. Externally, I can also get love from intimate expressions with my husband. Externally, I can get love when I whine and complain to my parents. But internally, I love myself more when I help others, when I provide service, when I breathe and dance. I love myself when I regain my emotional calmness. It is like when I swim along my back and hear the Sun on my face. Yes, I did write-HEAR the Sun's sounds... I don't know how I know, but I just do... Which confuses me as a scientist, because there is always a stimulus to an action based on the laws of thermodynamics.
When there human calimities: man fighting against man, war, poverty, illness, hatred, angers, frustrations, bigotry, racism, killing, genocide, all the vile evil things that man does to one another are hurled out into the Universe, the Universe will inevitably respond. Not out of revenge or Karma, but a matter of steady state rate kinetics. Equilibrium does not hold forever as a part of Thermodynamics. Rate order mandates how strong the substrate moves into the product--of course this is in a biological perspective. While current astronomy focuses only with physicist and mathematics, the Earth is filled with biological organisms that continually re-evolve into variegated species-based on Darwin's Origin of the Species. Unfortunately, I could not get a passing grade physics and mathematics in college and got better grades in my biology courses...
However, as a spiritual person, I know that humans are endowed with the inane ability to reach out emotionally. An emotionless person is not someone I want to meet. That person scares me. Something makes people feel and know. My mania religiosity would claim possession. My medicated balance would ask which neurotransmitters and areas in the brain that lights up when examined. My depressive drop would lament, "what's the point, nobody cares"... And the transcendent me asks, "Where is the love and how will the Universe respond".
Well, The Universe is in the process of its response to all this human frustration in the world. I think it does not pick a side, it affects all. Those opportunists will succeed, and those naysayers will become extinct. The Universe will respond because we humans are too wound up, stressed out, frustration, queuing up, lacking mindfulness, impatient, tearing down, alienating, angry, hateful, hurtful people! And asking oppressed people who hurt too much already to review the double-standard, introspection, rearing our children to be subjugated to authorities, lawlessness, yelling, screaming, crying, ad nauseum uncontrollable behavior causes violence. And some people take up residence in violence as a functionally biological emotional state that inherently cannot sustain life. Its a short lived life. And after I have published articles on the biology of aging, I have found that the deltaG = deltaH - T X deltaS and it must flow. Equilibrium will shift, dipole moment on small molecules will charge, is essentially what we humans do to evolve, to learn, both mentally and educationally. I should know, because of my bipolar, my education has been stifled. I can amass large swaths of information (education) like a computer, but when my processor (bipolar mental health) is ill, that information means nothing...
Now, I know that I am unable to process when I am stressed upon encountering and participating in violent behavior. Through mindfulness I can get back to that peaceful calm during a heated situation--often a harsh speech, tone, and yelling in my case. And when I am not in balance, it makes it very hard to regain the helio infrasonics in my mind.
I don't know how I can tell what will happen, but what is about to happen is a huge loss in the very near future, which will force our conversations to change based on what the Universe reflects back to us humans.
Let's put it like this, the bigotry we are seeing has peaked. It cannot get any worse. It will take someone to die for it to stop and change. The good thing is that person will NOT die because of violence of strife/hatred, this person will die due to poor health. It won't be expected because this person will speak to key leaders in a peaceful calm logical loving demeanor and this person will say, "So you must Love one another - We humans can do better".
After the mourning, we humans will advance closer to this new Age of where The Universe wants us to be. Yes, all your faith traditions are involved in this decision. Yes, all your belief systems are involved in this decision. Yes, all STEMI advancements are involved in this decision. What this is about is Humanity's embracement into the rest of The Universe to travel to other dimensions, spaces, rare earths, with curiosity, inquisitiveness and wonderment.
Currently, within the last 100 years we have made and seen a vast acceleration of science, technology, engineering, manufacturing and industry (STEMI). We have defied our humanly possible biological speed through creation of cars. We have defied gravity with planes. We have defied the Heavens by outerspace travel. We have defied suffering from henious disease, such as polio, use of antibiotics and novel surgical procedures from open heart surgery, separation of conjoined twins connected by their brains, and the ability to add longevity to industrialized nation's lives. Moreover, we have defied our inability to see one another through increased communications, from telephones, televisions, satellites, radio to computers.
I wonder about our emotional social structure. Humans are social beings. Human babies born without a human touch, caress or coo, have a failure to thrive and often die. The cues are thought to be immediate after birth. And within 2 weeks, a human infant KNOWS its mother's voice and within 3 weeks, a human infant KNOWS its mother's face. The molecular biological mechansims at play here are vigorously being investigated. Why we humans do what we do to one another and how we interact interests me from an evolutionary, molecular genetic, mental health and biological perspective.
My point is: We humans can do better!
I was reared in a strong Christian household. My denomination is Presbyterian. I was taught the Bible at a young impressionable age. I do not lord it over anyone. This is about providing perspective to readers. Also, this is not faulting, because I cannot change my past. But, I am bringing this up because what has always intrigued me is this concept of "Love". Specifically in the New Testament's scriptures of "As I have loved you, so must you love one another", "God is Love", "Beloved". I know about the Greek definitions of Love: Agape, Eros and Philos. There are other forms of Love, from the Hindu, Tantra & Kama Sutra leading to Divine Love. And there are a few scientific studies attempting to understand the reason and concept about "Love".
Only a few animal species incorporate Love into their daily lives. Bonobos, Gorillas and Chimps. It is thought Dolphins and Orcas do too, but how, is unclear. How these animal species love has some investigations. Notice how the Large Apes even have that emotion. Separate one of these animals from their "clade" and it is possible the being will not survive without massive intervention.
But as humans, we need to feel love internally and externally. These days it appears more externally than internally. I know, because when I suffer from bipolar on the depression side, it is often when I love myself the least that I must feel love more externally. That external love for me looks differently depending on the circumstance. Externally, I get love from a large piece of chocolate cake. Externally, I can also get love from intimate expressions with my husband. Externally, I can get love when I whine and complain to my parents. But internally, I love myself more when I help others, when I provide service, when I breathe and dance. I love myself when I regain my emotional calmness. It is like when I swim along my back and hear the Sun on my face. Yes, I did write-HEAR the Sun's sounds... I don't know how I know, but I just do... Which confuses me as a scientist, because there is always a stimulus to an action based on the laws of thermodynamics.
When there human calimities: man fighting against man, war, poverty, illness, hatred, angers, frustrations, bigotry, racism, killing, genocide, all the vile evil things that man does to one another are hurled out into the Universe, the Universe will inevitably respond. Not out of revenge or Karma, but a matter of steady state rate kinetics. Equilibrium does not hold forever as a part of Thermodynamics. Rate order mandates how strong the substrate moves into the product--of course this is in a biological perspective. While current astronomy focuses only with physicist and mathematics, the Earth is filled with biological organisms that continually re-evolve into variegated species-based on Darwin's Origin of the Species. Unfortunately, I could not get a passing grade physics and mathematics in college and got better grades in my biology courses...
However, as a spiritual person, I know that humans are endowed with the inane ability to reach out emotionally. An emotionless person is not someone I want to meet. That person scares me. Something makes people feel and know. My mania religiosity would claim possession. My medicated balance would ask which neurotransmitters and areas in the brain that lights up when examined. My depressive drop would lament, "what's the point, nobody cares"... And the transcendent me asks, "Where is the love and how will the Universe respond".
Well, The Universe is in the process of its response to all this human frustration in the world. I think it does not pick a side, it affects all. Those opportunists will succeed, and those naysayers will become extinct. The Universe will respond because we humans are too wound up, stressed out, frustration, queuing up, lacking mindfulness, impatient, tearing down, alienating, angry, hateful, hurtful people! And asking oppressed people who hurt too much already to review the double-standard, introspection, rearing our children to be subjugated to authorities, lawlessness, yelling, screaming, crying, ad nauseum uncontrollable behavior causes violence. And some people take up residence in violence as a functionally biological emotional state that inherently cannot sustain life. Its a short lived life. And after I have published articles on the biology of aging, I have found that the deltaG = deltaH - T X deltaS and it must flow. Equilibrium will shift, dipole moment on small molecules will charge, is essentially what we humans do to evolve, to learn, both mentally and educationally. I should know, because of my bipolar, my education has been stifled. I can amass large swaths of information (education) like a computer, but when my processor (bipolar mental health) is ill, that information means nothing...
Now, I know that I am unable to process when I am stressed upon encountering and participating in violent behavior. Through mindfulness I can get back to that peaceful calm during a heated situation--often a harsh speech, tone, and yelling in my case. And when I am not in balance, it makes it very hard to regain the helio infrasonics in my mind.
I don't know how I can tell what will happen, but what is about to happen is a huge loss in the very near future, which will force our conversations to change based on what the Universe reflects back to us humans.
Let's put it like this, the bigotry we are seeing has peaked. It cannot get any worse. It will take someone to die for it to stop and change. The good thing is that person will NOT die because of violence of strife/hatred, this person will die due to poor health. It won't be expected because this person will speak to key leaders in a peaceful calm logical loving demeanor and this person will say, "So you must Love one another - We humans can do better".
After the mourning, we humans will advance closer to this new Age of where The Universe wants us to be. Yes, all your faith traditions are involved in this decision. Yes, all your belief systems are involved in this decision. Yes, all STEMI advancements are involved in this decision. What this is about is Humanity's embracement into the rest of The Universe to travel to other dimensions, spaces, rare earths, with curiosity, inquisitiveness and wonderment.
Monday, July 20, 2009
What sets off the drop?
What sets off the drop? The spiral downturn to depression? The time from gleefully dancing to wailing in the corner? Mistakes? What?
About me: I am in recovery from bipolar disorder II (hypomania) or what used to be called manic-depressive disorder. That means, my manic episodes are not that high. I get a lot accomplished. I possibly finished my doctorate in molecular genetics, started my business, my marriage, my relocations due to my manic phase. People who have bipolar disorder I, some have their manic phases as psychotic, i.e. I can fly off that building... Whereas, my manic phase is irrationally starting things, and people that know me say I cannot finish them. Now there is some symptoms all manias of bipolar share: spending money like you have some and you don't...
Then there is my depression. My depression gets low. So low that I can easily spiral down to the conclusion of suicide. NO I AM NOT SUICIDAL ON THIS DATE NOW!!! Besides, I have a strong body agreement that if I get immobilized, I call, whoever I need to call to get help. That is my emergency action promise I made to myself. But for someone who has not been fighting this battle as long as I have, it takes a very long time to come to that rationalization. I will tell folks reading this later how I made the agreement.
This blog is about spirally down to depression, though and what I am attempting to convey is right now, I am have already spiraled down to a depression. Honestly, I may have been going down at least 1.5 weeks prior. After, July 4th I was riding high from my day trip staycation to the San Juan Islands--Friday Harbor, Washington. An extraordinary trip! My husband was rather cranky and we had tiffs. But, I made an edict and said I was going regardless of if he wanted too. Having to deal with his funky behavior for reasons I cannot get into right now, hurts my mental health function. I don't need a disparate behavior when having to deal with mine. But, c'est la vie. My mood took me for a down turn 1 week afterward, unfortunately during the same time of my ovulation menstrual cycle--yes, this has been checked by my HMO doctors. Yes, I have tracked it. Yes, the scoping showed nothing. Yes, the blood work showed nothing. So, my feeling of out of sorts-ness is all in my mind. So yes, what relief I get from the psychotropic medications helps with limiting the mania. Not so much with the drop. The drops occur, but right up into the point of hopelessness/helplessness.
I have had to end relationships with people because of the drop. It works better for me. I don't need to be interacting with people when I am all teary and sordid. What for? I get no where. It pisses people off who I am close to and it makes me look weak. But it also looks like a "tree in the forest and no one's around"-thing.
Today, I got an angry phone call to a close business confidante. I made an email faux pas-I emailed this person's list. Thinking back on it, I was riding high along my wave of mania. Of course, this person ought not to have to determine my cyclic bouts with bipolar. So, to spare this person, I have to pull away until my mood re-stabilizes.
And so, this is the delicate balance I must battle daily. I never know what mood will present itself. Will it present itself stable, where I can focus and put effort into it or will it present itself unstable where I fly off the handle or spiral down. Moreover, I am 40ish--meaning have I hit menopause? Another tortured existence I put myself into for another blog, because I don't have children.
So, I guess the "straw the broke the camel's back" was this angry call--and the sad part is I set myself up for that. Why didn't I think? What was it missing? Why did I disrespect the integrity of the group I was emailing. The flipside, so what? Who cares? Did I get my info I intended out? How come I have such a personal attachment? Is this a business decision or personal decision?
All these thoughts race through my head and what happens is I rapidly come to this irrational and unmerited conclusion that I am worthless... And for 24 hours, I will feel this way, because tomorrow, I will be stable. How do I know? Been there, done that and got a T-shirt. That is how my transcriptome works in my neurons responsive for my mood. LOL!
Blogging sometimes helps.
About me: I am in recovery from bipolar disorder II (hypomania) or what used to be called manic-depressive disorder. That means, my manic episodes are not that high. I get a lot accomplished. I possibly finished my doctorate in molecular genetics, started my business, my marriage, my relocations due to my manic phase. People who have bipolar disorder I, some have their manic phases as psychotic, i.e. I can fly off that building... Whereas, my manic phase is irrationally starting things, and people that know me say I cannot finish them. Now there is some symptoms all manias of bipolar share: spending money like you have some and you don't...
Then there is my depression. My depression gets low. So low that I can easily spiral down to the conclusion of suicide. NO I AM NOT SUICIDAL ON THIS DATE NOW!!! Besides, I have a strong body agreement that if I get immobilized, I call, whoever I need to call to get help. That is my emergency action promise I made to myself. But for someone who has not been fighting this battle as long as I have, it takes a very long time to come to that rationalization. I will tell folks reading this later how I made the agreement.
This blog is about spirally down to depression, though and what I am attempting to convey is right now, I am have already spiraled down to a depression. Honestly, I may have been going down at least 1.5 weeks prior. After, July 4th I was riding high from my day trip staycation to the San Juan Islands--Friday Harbor, Washington. An extraordinary trip! My husband was rather cranky and we had tiffs. But, I made an edict and said I was going regardless of if he wanted too. Having to deal with his funky behavior for reasons I cannot get into right now, hurts my mental health function. I don't need a disparate behavior when having to deal with mine. But, c'est la vie. My mood took me for a down turn 1 week afterward, unfortunately during the same time of my ovulation menstrual cycle--yes, this has been checked by my HMO doctors. Yes, I have tracked it. Yes, the scoping showed nothing. Yes, the blood work showed nothing. So, my feeling of out of sorts-ness is all in my mind. So yes, what relief I get from the psychotropic medications helps with limiting the mania. Not so much with the drop. The drops occur, but right up into the point of hopelessness/helplessness.
I have had to end relationships with people because of the drop. It works better for me. I don't need to be interacting with people when I am all teary and sordid. What for? I get no where. It pisses people off who I am close to and it makes me look weak. But it also looks like a "tree in the forest and no one's around"-thing.
Today, I got an angry phone call to a close business confidante. I made an email faux pas-I emailed this person's list. Thinking back on it, I was riding high along my wave of mania. Of course, this person ought not to have to determine my cyclic bouts with bipolar. So, to spare this person, I have to pull away until my mood re-stabilizes.
And so, this is the delicate balance I must battle daily. I never know what mood will present itself. Will it present itself stable, where I can focus and put effort into it or will it present itself unstable where I fly off the handle or spiral down. Moreover, I am 40ish--meaning have I hit menopause? Another tortured existence I put myself into for another blog, because I don't have children.
So, I guess the "straw the broke the camel's back" was this angry call--and the sad part is I set myself up for that. Why didn't I think? What was it missing? Why did I disrespect the integrity of the group I was emailing. The flipside, so what? Who cares? Did I get my info I intended out? How come I have such a personal attachment? Is this a business decision or personal decision?
All these thoughts race through my head and what happens is I rapidly come to this irrational and unmerited conclusion that I am worthless... And for 24 hours, I will feel this way, because tomorrow, I will be stable. How do I know? Been there, done that and got a T-shirt. That is how my transcriptome works in my neurons responsive for my mood. LOL!
Blogging sometimes helps.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Unemployment at the Job Fair
So here's the deal. I am an entrepreneur now. After leaving a bullishtassed job saying some bigoted stuff and then getting laid off from another job, I said I needed to be my own boss. Never thought the economy would tank and people would hold onto their money, tightly. Moreover, there is a lot of people who want something for nothing and how am I suppose to make a living, just paying simple bills, ie the light bill?
Anyhow, to get my little measly unemployment check that I need to be grateful for, I have to apply for a minimum of 3 positions per week. At anytime the unemployment Mommies can audit my reports and ask for the money back that I get in my check. Well, that would be great if there were plenty of jobs and people would be hiring, but another thing about why I HATE SEATTLE, is there are NOT any jobs and people are ONLY hiring who they know--so you need to NETWORK and NO ONE has an inside track these days. Which is nuts when you don't live on the inside. It's like an "inside joke".
So, I go to the "BioSpace Careers" job fair that is in cahoots--I mean cooperation with the University of Washington and it is downtown Seattle. I live on the Eastside. Everybody from Seattle knows what it is like to get from the Eastside of Seattle to the downtown. It is HAYLE! No wonder people are stressed here! So, I decided to take the bus. Now I do have to admit, that is the ONE thing I enjoy about the Greater Seattle Area--the bus service. Metro and Sound Transit are stellar compared to other cities. Many people take the bus and people are quite joyous in bus taking here. So, I took it to decrease stress while driving--mainly because I am very accident prone--and I did not need to go into the place with an all out attitdude due to poor parking. And I wanted to live my green life! (Another think I enjoy about the Greater Seattle Area--LOL!)
It was on Thursday, July 16, 2009 ~3:30 PM PDT that I arrived. There was a long line outside. Good thing it was a nice day. "No worries". There was a lack of identifying signs or nomeclature for the event, which took place at the Terry St. Naval Building. Then through a prying conversation, there were only 5 recruiting companies! WTH? All this way for only 5 companies? So, I knew to think of this event as a "marketing and advertising" event to discuss my business--It's a business opportunity! YEAH! But what about all the other people who really thought they'd find a job? That's the general sour mentality Seattle has--the "I got mine, you need to get yours". Well, it ain't all that to begin with. Up your game!
I could see if I was a contestant on American Idol about to win a major musical contract, but for less than $40K, really? Is standing in line for 5 recruiters all that? What perks do I get? None--just maybe Sundays off? LOL! If that? WTH? That is NOT what I am in the business for. I could see if I was in the laboratory business, but they need to do more team building exercises so that they don't get as much turnover that hurts the science. Their bottom line is being affected just because they treat workers like slave labor and that is why they outsource these jobs, because the workers don't mind... Now tell me, how is science getting done? When's the last time an illness been cured? And Swine Flu is picking up? Trust no one these days.
Many of the men were wearing professional clothing, like dress shirts, slacks and ties. Whereas, the women were in slacks, like casual Fridays. Very few women were in professional dresses/skirts/suits. I wore a dress.
The obtuse sign said "Biospace Career Fairs: Where Life Meets Science" This is NOT the life. They must be joking, seriously? Then, I saw it, FINALLY some diversity! More than 2 Black women! That is a large number for Seattle!
Back to the recruiters, apparently, there was a social and the description of the social was poor per the arrangement by Washington Biotechnology Business Association (WBBA) The social was to be "Hawaiian Luau" where everyone wears a Hawaiian themed clothing. For the men, Hawaiian T-shirts, for the women, whatever. So the women recruiters wore flip flops. Well, how are you going to have a job fair, where others are dressing professionally thinking they are going to get jobs, in this economy and start partying laisez-faire, lackadasical attitude, in a hothouse of the Naval Center? That is just insult to injury?
Then I recognized 1-2 people searching for jobs. Found out 1 has a job and is getting laid off. Another one, is lost in the rapture and shock that "hmmmm, having a PhD is worthless in Seattle, dayum why didn't I get a clinical degree?" Mind you NO other city in the US except loser cities treats their PhD's this way. We, PhD's decided NOT to be clinicians because we love science so much!
The other thing while standing in line, I asked a young lady about the line and she was unsure what the line was for? Peeking inside, found a lot of lookie-loos. Not a busy space for something well-attended. People really want JOBS!
Little direction as to the next steps. You wait in the long line for 1-2 recruiters without reason why? These are NOT the hiring scientists! These are HR people who know very little about science, and based on the poor perceptions of scientists of people to fill the position, it is just a screen. There was an unknown reason why there were long lines? Maybe because these people thought "D" and "G" had jobs? But they only listed 1-2 positions? 100-200 people for 1-2 positions? That bull! Made me wonder if there were really ANY jobs available?
If you knew anybody, okay. Remember a younger member of my sorority who is in her 3rd year as a graduate student.
So, I decided to stand in the "resume reviewers" line, just to see what it is was like. There were 6 reviewers for 200 people. Now that's interesting... LOL! Stood behind a person who was behind me in the OUTDOOR line and she ventured to ask me a question. I chuckled because this started getting amusing as how people run their businesses.
I could see the downstairs that looked like a basketball court, decorated looking like a senior prom. Juvenile! While I watched nervous twitches before speaking to recuriters, I still smelled the competitve air of superiority of people's one-upmanship over another. Why? No one was getting jobs here? Jobs are made by networking or strong statements... Everyone is in the same boat, a collaboration is the order of business in today's business climate.
I met "Dee" who worked HR and checked people into the resume reviewer clinic. She was very nice, so I respond well to when people are are civil. Then I met the resume reviewer, "Kay"-I presented her 3 forms of my resume. She stated that my resumes' are too academic still. HUH? Interestingly, she said it in a nice way that I listened to her. She said my resume needs to be more about a business marketing proposal. My professional snapshot needs to focus on business, remind acadmic expertise and know what I bring to the table. She said to list the number of years of the various topics of research I studied. How my passion needs to be presented well from the old academic track. Then for the 2008-2009 year I highlight back to how I am doing in my business development. Sell my business idea not my trade (research scientist). Well, afterward, I was very appreciative, but when I got home, I was like WTH? And now as I ponder it, from all my recent trainings I have had, I can give it a try and see how far I get.
Well, I attended the social and started sharing my business concept. I did not speak to any influentual people who can make a difference, but the goal of my networking is to practice, practice, practice! I might attend this function for Executive Non-Profits by JP Morgan Stanley in September. We shall see.
Then, I skipped off home, thinking I accomplished something! Still no job and my unemployment resources dwindling. Either I pray to God something happens or I practice my Buddhism that I can create opportunity or try to do both. Don't know how that works. But, something is going to change--it's either going to get worse or it's going to get better. Let's hope the latter because my mental health cannot take anymore hits.
The Ariafya Universe
Anyhow, to get my little measly unemployment check that I need to be grateful for, I have to apply for a minimum of 3 positions per week. At anytime the unemployment Mommies can audit my reports and ask for the money back that I get in my check. Well, that would be great if there were plenty of jobs and people would be hiring, but another thing about why I HATE SEATTLE, is there are NOT any jobs and people are ONLY hiring who they know--so you need to NETWORK and NO ONE has an inside track these days. Which is nuts when you don't live on the inside. It's like an "inside joke".
So, I go to the "BioSpace Careers" job fair that is in cahoots--I mean cooperation with the University of Washington and it is downtown Seattle. I live on the Eastside. Everybody from Seattle knows what it is like to get from the Eastside of Seattle to the downtown. It is HAYLE! No wonder people are stressed here! So, I decided to take the bus. Now I do have to admit, that is the ONE thing I enjoy about the Greater Seattle Area--the bus service. Metro and Sound Transit are stellar compared to other cities. Many people take the bus and people are quite joyous in bus taking here. So, I took it to decrease stress while driving--mainly because I am very accident prone--and I did not need to go into the place with an all out attitdude due to poor parking. And I wanted to live my green life! (Another think I enjoy about the Greater Seattle Area--LOL!)
It was on Thursday, July 16, 2009 ~3:30 PM PDT that I arrived. There was a long line outside. Good thing it was a nice day. "No worries". There was a lack of identifying signs or nomeclature for the event, which took place at the Terry St. Naval Building. Then through a prying conversation, there were only 5 recruiting companies! WTH? All this way for only 5 companies? So, I knew to think of this event as a "marketing and advertising" event to discuss my business--It's a business opportunity! YEAH! But what about all the other people who really thought they'd find a job? That's the general sour mentality Seattle has--the "I got mine, you need to get yours". Well, it ain't all that to begin with. Up your game!
I could see if I was a contestant on American Idol about to win a major musical contract, but for less than $40K, really? Is standing in line for 5 recruiters all that? What perks do I get? None--just maybe Sundays off? LOL! If that? WTH? That is NOT what I am in the business for. I could see if I was in the laboratory business, but they need to do more team building exercises so that they don't get as much turnover that hurts the science. Their bottom line is being affected just because they treat workers like slave labor and that is why they outsource these jobs, because the workers don't mind... Now tell me, how is science getting done? When's the last time an illness been cured? And Swine Flu is picking up? Trust no one these days.
Many of the men were wearing professional clothing, like dress shirts, slacks and ties. Whereas, the women were in slacks, like casual Fridays. Very few women were in professional dresses/skirts/suits. I wore a dress.
The obtuse sign said "Biospace Career Fairs: Where Life Meets Science" This is NOT the life. They must be joking, seriously? Then, I saw it, FINALLY some diversity! More than 2 Black women! That is a large number for Seattle!
Back to the recruiters, apparently, there was a social and the description of the social was poor per the arrangement by Washington Biotechnology Business Association (WBBA) The social was to be "Hawaiian Luau" where everyone wears a Hawaiian themed clothing. For the men, Hawaiian T-shirts, for the women, whatever. So the women recruiters wore flip flops. Well, how are you going to have a job fair, where others are dressing professionally thinking they are going to get jobs, in this economy and start partying laisez-faire, lackadasical attitude, in a hothouse of the Naval Center? That is just insult to injury?
Then I recognized 1-2 people searching for jobs. Found out 1 has a job and is getting laid off. Another one, is lost in the rapture and shock that "hmmmm, having a PhD is worthless in Seattle, dayum why didn't I get a clinical degree?" Mind you NO other city in the US except loser cities treats their PhD's this way. We, PhD's decided NOT to be clinicians because we love science so much!
The other thing while standing in line, I asked a young lady about the line and she was unsure what the line was for? Peeking inside, found a lot of lookie-loos. Not a busy space for something well-attended. People really want JOBS!
Little direction as to the next steps. You wait in the long line for 1-2 recruiters without reason why? These are NOT the hiring scientists! These are HR people who know very little about science, and based on the poor perceptions of scientists of people to fill the position, it is just a screen. There was an unknown reason why there were long lines? Maybe because these people thought "D" and "G" had jobs? But they only listed 1-2 positions? 100-200 people for 1-2 positions? That bull! Made me wonder if there were really ANY jobs available?
If you knew anybody, okay. Remember a younger member of my sorority who is in her 3rd year as a graduate student.
So, I decided to stand in the "resume reviewers" line, just to see what it is was like. There were 6 reviewers for 200 people. Now that's interesting... LOL! Stood behind a person who was behind me in the OUTDOOR line and she ventured to ask me a question. I chuckled because this started getting amusing as how people run their businesses.
I could see the downstairs that looked like a basketball court, decorated looking like a senior prom. Juvenile! While I watched nervous twitches before speaking to recuriters, I still smelled the competitve air of superiority of people's one-upmanship over another. Why? No one was getting jobs here? Jobs are made by networking or strong statements... Everyone is in the same boat, a collaboration is the order of business in today's business climate.
I met "Dee" who worked HR and checked people into the resume reviewer clinic. She was very nice, so I respond well to when people are are civil. Then I met the resume reviewer, "Kay"-I presented her 3 forms of my resume. She stated that my resumes' are too academic still. HUH? Interestingly, she said it in a nice way that I listened to her. She said my resume needs to be more about a business marketing proposal. My professional snapshot needs to focus on business, remind acadmic expertise and know what I bring to the table. She said to list the number of years of the various topics of research I studied. How my passion needs to be presented well from the old academic track. Then for the 2008-2009 year I highlight back to how I am doing in my business development. Sell my business idea not my trade (research scientist). Well, afterward, I was very appreciative, but when I got home, I was like WTH? And now as I ponder it, from all my recent trainings I have had, I can give it a try and see how far I get.
Well, I attended the social and started sharing my business concept. I did not speak to any influentual people who can make a difference, but the goal of my networking is to practice, practice, practice! I might attend this function for Executive Non-Profits by JP Morgan Stanley in September. We shall see.
Then, I skipped off home, thinking I accomplished something! Still no job and my unemployment resources dwindling. Either I pray to God something happens or I practice my Buddhism that I can create opportunity or try to do both. Don't know how that works. But, something is going to change--it's either going to get worse or it's going to get better. Let's hope the latter because my mental health cannot take anymore hits.
The Ariafya Universe
Saturday, July 18, 2009
I HATE SEATTLE--written July, 2009 BEFORE MJ's Death #mentalhealth #seattle
IMHO, Seattle SUCKS IN EVERY ASPECT--especially for a Black Woman like me! Now I am sure there are a few Black Women who absolutely love this place. But I come from SoCal, and attended Spelman College in Atlanta, Georgia, and recently lived in Dallas, Texas. I have NEVER been made out to be some "ghetto mama with 10 kids" who will NEVER amount to nothing until I moved to Seattle, Washington! How can people be so offensively presumptuous?
My grandfather was the President of Bethune-Cookman University! I was reared in the Civil Rights royalty. When I was 10/11 years old, I formally campaigned for Mayor Tom Bradley.
Because I lived in SoCal growing up, I thought I wanted to be an actress. Of the many performers I have met, one of the most influential was Ms. Ja'net DuBois (Willona on Good Times) who talked to me about acting and what it seriously involved. I was grateful to her because she taught me to never compromise my values to be myself. I had a chance to take voice lessons, but I since I did not understand the nature of the business and I had little support for it, I chose not to actively pursue it. I am rather glad I did not with all the deaths of celebrities these days.
I have met other famous politicians, such as Governor Pete Wilson, Mayor Maynard Jackon and Mayor Andrew Young. I have met numerous CEO of Fortune 500 Companies. And I have met many more celebrities in entertainment. And this is while I lived in SoCal and Atlanta. My life has been circuitous at best. It would be very easy to have bravado with all the acquaintances I have made over time, but I like to think I am still very down to Earth and I humble myself because I am in recovery from bipolar!
As someone who is in recovery from bipolar, I started having problems as a teenager. I started having suicidal thoughts at 14 years old when I lost my last "yelling contest" with my mother--who was just trying to love me in her special way. In the mid-1980's the crisis hotline did not think that teens could be bipolar so they told me that I sounded younger than my own age, so I hung up.
Through the years of seeking recovery by diet, exercise, nutrition, mediation, etc., I finally got a bipolar diagnosis in 2000 and found some relief. I say some relief, because in 2002, because I found myself waking up from my workplace's floor after allegely having a seizure in Dallas, Texas. It was thought what could have caused my seizure was one of the unmonitored psychotropic drugs I was taking for my bipolar. Taking psychotropic medications ALONE DO NOT WORK! There must be a talk-therapy used in combination with the drugs by a professionally licensed person.
Still, even with my mental health condition, I have a Bachelor's of Science in Biology, a Master's of Science in Molecular Biology and a Doctorate in Molecular Genetics. One would think that living the mental illness the way I have lived, I should be a complete loser who abuses drugs and is homeless. But, somehow I seem to make a way out of no way--by the grace of God.
I move up to Seattle, Washington to marry my husband, sometimes can be quite selfish for the years we have been married. There are many days that he fails to recognize the mental health tribulations I suffer to garner the gumption just to run simple ERRANDS!!!
For example: I go grocery store and check out stand asks for my food vouchers and WIC! I DON'T HAVE CHILDREN!!! I'VE NEVER BEEN PREGNANT AND I AM 40-something YEARS OLD!!!
In my community, I go to the beauty salon for services, and request a "touch up" and they say they have to find a "relaxing specialist"... So now there is no way to maintain my grooming habits.
For my career in 2007, I have had to leave a career it because my bottom-dweller of a professor at the Universe of Washington bluntly said, "the only reason what Dr. G is here is because she's Black, and the only way she got her PhD was through affirmative action"...
Well, the last time that this statement was said to me was before I got my PhD and I worked my ass off an extra 3 years to "prove" I was good enough for my doctorate program. After I got my PhD, I said to myself that I would NEVER go where I was not wanted or felt a strong passion. And if that lunacy happened to me again, I said I was going to leave that position... Because I could not tolerate the workplace violence, the mobbing and harassment, I have had to pay a hefty price in choosing to live in Seattle, Washington.
I have lost EVERYTHING I value and now on the eve of finally re-inventing myself into a new worldview, I am completely out of money. Realistically, no one cares about my laments and I do not know why someone of my stature incurs this kind of wrath from the world?
In Seattle, I see superfluous little white girls whine and complain about their improper treatment and they get all assistance they need, with coats laid down over mud puddles. Since, I refuse to do that and find a way to empower myself, I cannot do it because is subjugates my values. And even if I did, what would I get in return?
Across the country, many Black men treat Black women like a joke (I apologize the men who do not do that. The Black men born in Washington State are the most culpable, based on the laments I hear by many Black women who relocate to Seattle.
Here is my list of reasons why I HATE SEATTLE:
Do I want to change to like Seattle more? Yes! I do get some assistance for my problems and I am gaining new experiences, such as mindfulness meditation from a health/wellness organization and Karate-do from a master Sensei. I have met some interesting people but those are infrequent encounters. I tried going to Church, but became disenfranchised by the hypocritical double-speaking congregations. Being an Obama supporter, I made some things happen in healthcare reform. I have done plenty of volunteer work with the Puget Sound Susan G. Komen for the Cure race and my Sorority. When I did work for the University of Washington, I dedicated much of my time to community service due to workplace balance and life satisfaction. But the UW PUNISHED ME for serving the community...
Currently, I volunteer hoping that I gain new skills at Evergreen Hospice in Grief/Bereavement telephone follow up calls and Group Health Cooperative workshop facilitation for the "Living Well with Chronic Disease" courses. Alas, serving the community has not propelled me into a paying type of livelihood.
Right now, I am barely scraping by, lost in the wilderness of the South North Pole--also known as the greater Seattle area.
I feel my life sucks...
Dr. Gina M.-S.
Written in July 18, 2009
Postscript: There have been some changes. I have found a business group called Biznik and they are actively doing the kinds of networking events.
I have made a few more friends, just not in "high places" by people who can make hiring or monetary decisions, but that is an issue of the target market.
I have started on my business plans for 2010--after I pay my business taxes and have extended my reach to a wider audience.
I still do not have a boss who pays me, I do not do bench science anymore, but my writing has somewhat improved since I wrote this piece. :)
My grandfather was the President of Bethune-Cookman University! I was reared in the Civil Rights royalty. When I was 10/11 years old, I formally campaigned for Mayor Tom Bradley.
Because I lived in SoCal growing up, I thought I wanted to be an actress. Of the many performers I have met, one of the most influential was Ms. Ja'net DuBois (Willona on Good Times) who talked to me about acting and what it seriously involved. I was grateful to her because she taught me to never compromise my values to be myself. I had a chance to take voice lessons, but I since I did not understand the nature of the business and I had little support for it, I chose not to actively pursue it. I am rather glad I did not with all the deaths of celebrities these days.
I have met other famous politicians, such as Governor Pete Wilson, Mayor Maynard Jackon and Mayor Andrew Young. I have met numerous CEO of Fortune 500 Companies. And I have met many more celebrities in entertainment. And this is while I lived in SoCal and Atlanta. My life has been circuitous at best. It would be very easy to have bravado with all the acquaintances I have made over time, but I like to think I am still very down to Earth and I humble myself because I am in recovery from bipolar!
As someone who is in recovery from bipolar, I started having problems as a teenager. I started having suicidal thoughts at 14 years old when I lost my last "yelling contest" with my mother--who was just trying to love me in her special way. In the mid-1980's the crisis hotline did not think that teens could be bipolar so they told me that I sounded younger than my own age, so I hung up.
Through the years of seeking recovery by diet, exercise, nutrition, mediation, etc., I finally got a bipolar diagnosis in 2000 and found some relief. I say some relief, because in 2002, because I found myself waking up from my workplace's floor after allegely having a seizure in Dallas, Texas. It was thought what could have caused my seizure was one of the unmonitored psychotropic drugs I was taking for my bipolar. Taking psychotropic medications ALONE DO NOT WORK! There must be a talk-therapy used in combination with the drugs by a professionally licensed person.
Still, even with my mental health condition, I have a Bachelor's of Science in Biology, a Master's of Science in Molecular Biology and a Doctorate in Molecular Genetics. One would think that living the mental illness the way I have lived, I should be a complete loser who abuses drugs and is homeless. But, somehow I seem to make a way out of no way--by the grace of God.
I move up to Seattle, Washington to marry my husband, sometimes can be quite selfish for the years we have been married. There are many days that he fails to recognize the mental health tribulations I suffer to garner the gumption just to run simple ERRANDS!!!
For example: I go grocery store and check out stand asks for my food vouchers and WIC! I DON'T HAVE CHILDREN!!! I'VE NEVER BEEN PREGNANT AND I AM 40-something YEARS OLD!!!
In my community, I go to the beauty salon for services, and request a "touch up" and they say they have to find a "relaxing specialist"... So now there is no way to maintain my grooming habits.
For my career in 2007, I have had to leave a career it because my bottom-dweller of a professor at the Universe of Washington bluntly said, "the only reason what Dr. G is here is because she's Black, and the only way she got her PhD was through affirmative action"...
Well, the last time that this statement was said to me was before I got my PhD and I worked my ass off an extra 3 years to "prove" I was good enough for my doctorate program. After I got my PhD, I said to myself that I would NEVER go where I was not wanted or felt a strong passion. And if that lunacy happened to me again, I said I was going to leave that position... Because I could not tolerate the workplace violence, the mobbing and harassment, I have had to pay a hefty price in choosing to live in Seattle, Washington.
I have lost EVERYTHING I value and now on the eve of finally re-inventing myself into a new worldview, I am completely out of money. Realistically, no one cares about my laments and I do not know why someone of my stature incurs this kind of wrath from the world?
In Seattle, I see superfluous little white girls whine and complain about their improper treatment and they get all assistance they need, with coats laid down over mud puddles. Since, I refuse to do that and find a way to empower myself, I cannot do it because is subjugates my values. And even if I did, what would I get in return?
Across the country, many Black men treat Black women like a joke (I apologize the men who do not do that. The Black men born in Washington State are the most culpable, based on the laments I hear by many Black women who relocate to Seattle.
Here is my list of reasons why I HATE SEATTLE:
- I HATE SEATTLE because of the Seattle Freeze! The Freeze like the cold constant alienating rain here, except the Seattle Freeze is a statement of the Seattlites' personalities--they are very polite, but NOT friendly. I have yet to be invited by my contemporaries to any event. I have held several events on a string budget, but in return I barely get invited in reciprocation and it is less than 1 event per year to anyone's party. And the sad part is Freezing people out is not conducive or collaborative for business networking. People fail to talk communicate! During these hard economic times, talking, networking, and meeting people is what business is all about. The greater Seattle area's economy misses out on some potentially great business opportunities when they alienate, pidgeonhole and stereotype people.
- I HATE SEATTLE because the kneegrows here are 20 years behind on civil rights compared to the rest of the country, and then have the nerve to have a "crabs in a barrel" mentality!!! How can anyone be so arrogant and destructive when s/he have failed to win awards/grants/projects? The concept is beyond me. With all the business assets that the greater Seattle area has and the United States' demarcation in 2010 BC Winter Olympics, business is being lost due to kneegrows' stank behavior toward one another. This is not one of those reality television shows.
- I HATE SEATTLE because I attended this "job fair" that had only 5 major biotech businesses and they HR people said that none of the attendees will be hired at this function... While these people are not scientists, it says that their actual hiring process is an abysmal failure and a waste of time. To be fair, there were two people who were helpful at the event, but that was only for a resume review. I had 3 formats of my resume, and was told that my resume is too academic and I had no "work experience", so that is why I would not be able to get a scientist position... I was told my experience was too varied. What does that say about support? I was told that businesses did not like to hire me due to my being an entrepreneur (i.e. Sistah Mental Health and Wellness). And I wonder why most of my clients do NOT live in Seattle--what is the point in marketing to anyone here with that kind of mentality?
- I HATE SEATTLE but, I do not have the money to leave. This is my "lot in life". Sadly, I chose it. Best I can do is whine and complain on my blogs. I do not know how far it will get me...
Do I want to change to like Seattle more? Yes! I do get some assistance for my problems and I am gaining new experiences, such as mindfulness meditation from a health/wellness organization and Karate-do from a master Sensei. I have met some interesting people but those are infrequent encounters. I tried going to Church, but became disenfranchised by the hypocritical double-speaking congregations. Being an Obama supporter, I made some things happen in healthcare reform. I have done plenty of volunteer work with the Puget Sound Susan G. Komen for the Cure race and my Sorority. When I did work for the University of Washington, I dedicated much of my time to community service due to workplace balance and life satisfaction. But the UW PUNISHED ME for serving the community...
Currently, I volunteer hoping that I gain new skills at Evergreen Hospice in Grief/Bereavement telephone follow up calls and Group Health Cooperative workshop facilitation for the "Living Well with Chronic Disease" courses. Alas, serving the community has not propelled me into a paying type of livelihood.
Right now, I am barely scraping by, lost in the wilderness of the South North Pole--also known as the greater Seattle area.
I feel my life sucks...
Dr. Gina M.-S.
Written in July 18, 2009
Postscript: There have been some changes. I have found a business group called Biznik and they are actively doing the kinds of networking events.
I have made a few more friends, just not in "high places" by people who can make hiring or monetary decisions, but that is an issue of the target market.
I have started on my business plans for 2010--after I pay my business taxes and have extended my reach to a wider audience.
I still do not have a boss who pays me, I do not do bench science anymore, but my writing has somewhat improved since I wrote this piece. :)
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